April's Real Blog

Thursday, June 21, 2007


So, more on what happed this past Monday, when I was having lunch w/Shannon and her friends. Faith stopped having that grim look she usually has long enuf 2 say "We're going 2 the telethon, April! We're going 2 B there!" And Dylan was all, "Telethon!" And I went, "Cool!" Then Shannon was saying, "I've ... nev...er been ... 2 a tele...thon ... B...4 ... so .... I ...." But she didn't have a chance 2 finish cuz Jeremy showed up behind me, all, "U got a watch on, April? This story is gonna take a looong time!" As Jeremy walked off, laffing, I was all, "U'RE A JERK, JEREMY!!" Then I was like, "R U OK, Shannon?" And Shannon was like, "Yeah ... we ... get this ... all the ... time." And the girl with the short-ponytailed version of my old hairdo was all, "All the time." And I went, "But, it's against the rules!!" And Shannon sed, "...So ... is ... smoking." And it was only then that I noticed sum tall, skinny guy who was standing rite next 2 our table had lit a cigarette, and sum tall, skinny girl was reaching like she wanted 2 take it from him. This was the 1st time I ever noticed NE1 having the nerve 2 smoke inside the school!

BTW, there's a list of "Rules of Conduct for R. P. Boire Senior Secondary Students." It's posted in all of the hallways and classrooms, and it includes no smoking and no being mean to the special-needs kids.

Jeremy, yikes, I think yr "Converted 2 Good" cert from Corbeil is in peril! Also, Y were U outta uni on Monday?


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  • At 10:58 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    omg! jer, r u still smoking? u swore u were gonna quit! btw, it's sooper dumb 2 smoke inside the skool!

    sheesh. u can b so dum sumtimez. u will b lucky 2 live 2 age 30 as it is. if u keep smoking, i bet u croak b4 ur 22.


  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dearest formerly flowerlike April,

    It looks as though you have not yet succeeded in converting Mr. Jones from evil to good. He still makes fun of retards to their faces, and smokes. I am pretty sure both of these things are evil by Patterson standards.

    Do not worry, though. I am going to talk to Jeremy and remind him that one only makes fun of retards behind their backs.


  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    When I read your blog post I immediately called the principal of your high school and reported that there is a serious problem with making fun of the retarded and also with smoking in your school, I made sure to tell him that I got my information from you so that you can get a good citizenship award at the next pep rally, anyway, your principal was very interested in having more information about Jeremy Jones and his bad, nasty ways, so I think you can expect reprisals to begin soon, aren't you glad your big sis is a teacher, we always know just how to handle these little crises.


    P.S.--Don't worry, I will keep up with your principal to make sure that you get the public recognition for this "bust," I won't let it fall through the cracks!

  • At 5:45 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well i wish that “converted 2 good" cert from corbeil wuz just in peril. it’s gone & i am pretty sure it’s nevah comin’ back.

    i have been kinda tryin’ 2 avoid tellin’ u this story, april, but i guess i gotta. the othah day i came home frum work & there wuz a strange car @the house & wen i went in there wuz the witch of corbeil havin’ a convo w/my mom & they were signin’ sum paperz which looked all kinda legal-like. wen they saw me, the witch asked me 2 sit down so we could have a nice talk. i told her i wud rather stand, cuz it’s easier 2 start runnin’ that way if i hafta.

    then she told me how she & my mom have hadda nice convo & she thot they had come 2 a nice agreement & i shud prolly know my nice part in it. then mom kinda burst out it wuz cuz of the looks. she wuz tired of me looking like a 40-year-old man, like i have since november 28, 2005. she sed she wuz tired of peeps thinkin’ i wuz her husband & worryin’ ‘bout middle-aged women tryin’ 2 pick me up in bars & stuff like that. she wunted me to be slender & young-lookin’ like i usedta.

    then the witch of corbeil picked up a pic & asked me how i wud like 2 look like the pic. i told her w/that boot nose i wuz evn uglier than i am now, but mom wuz all like u know “but ur young in the pic, jeremy & thin.” i asked the witch if u cud b good-lookin’ like gerald forsythe-delaney, & she sed no, cuz only good people are good-lookin’. that pic wuz the best she cud offer 4 sum1 who wuz a villain. i kinda hadda tell her that the special needs kids were good, but they were not good-lookin’. she sed if the special needs kids were good-lookin’, no1 wud know they were special needs, so thass y they hafta look freaky. i didn’t argue, cuz well the whole idea seemed kinda st00pid 2 me.

    so i asked wut she wunted in xxchange & she told me i hadda give up my "converted 2 good" cert from corbeil, i hadda make fun of the special needs kids wenevah i saw u w/them, i hadda start smokin’ in public in fronta peeps, & she wuz gonna provide me w/a gf. mom wuz all xxcited i wud get a gf who had been blessed by the good witch.

    i asked her who the gf wuz gonna b & she told me she had found a girl who wuz a chain smoker who wuz v.v. innerested in b-ing my gf. it wuz zapata henderson. i told her there wuz no way i wuz gonna b crayzee zapata henderson’s bf, cuz she already had a gf named eldritch & she wuz crayzee & cuz i alreddy hadda gf w/honoria. i told her 2 get outa the house & go away & not bother me.

    but then mom started cryin’ & talked ‘bout how she had alreddy signed papers & how she wuz so tired of havin’ a son who looked oldah than she duz. mom looked rilly unhapp & u know i am wen women cry, particularly my mom. i have a weakness that way, az u know. so i sed i wud do it, but i wunted 2 know y. i mean, aftah u came 2 visit me in hospital back wen i got hit in traffic, & i told u who it wuz who trashed ur dad’s trains & i wuz listenin’ in 2u guyz rehearsin’ & i wuz all set up 2b like the sound guy 4 rebecca, i thot 4 sure u wud convert me 2 good & i wud stay good. so i asked the witch y she changed her mind. she sed the future & the present hafta match the past. i didn’t argue, cuz well the whole idea seemed kinda st00pid 2 me.

    neway, the witch left & made me look how i look now. it wuz kinda nice 2 look young & i actually felt young 2 nsteada havin’ 2 groan everytyme i stood up, like i did b4. the best part wuz mom wuz v.v. happ & wuz huggin’ me & cryin’ ‘bout she had her little boy back, which wuz kinda mbarrasin’. the hard part wuz i wuz havin’ a rilly hard tyme tryin’ 2 learn 2 smoke again. u know once u stop smokin’, the smell of smoke rilly duzn’t smell good nemore.

    also, i wuz rilly not lookin’ 4ward 2 havin’ zapata az a gf, cuz of that crayzee thing, wen mom got a call frum the johnston institute 4 better learning. 1 of the witch’s staff members (sum1 named laura) thot zapata’s gf eldritch looked so much like me, she got confused & decided eldritch wuz gonna b the 1 to do the public smokin’ & have zapata az a bf & like pass ciggies 2 zapata in the cafeteria. apparently lotsa peeps in the johnston institute were confuzed ‘bout the mattah. they sed if ic eldritch in the cafeteria, i hafta roll up my sleeves so peeps can tell us apart.

    this worked out gr8, cuz eldritch already smoked. i didn’t think he looked much like me, but then i realized that wuz the old 2005 me, & not the new skinny me.

    i still hadda make fun of the special needs peeps, which i rilly didn’t wanna do. i wuz in the cafeteria on monday, & i saw eldritch so i rolled up my sleeves 2 look diff. i wuz 2nd in line 4 the peeps who line up 2 go ovah 2 the special needs table durin' lunch. the line wuz pretty long, i think cuz u were there.

    wen shannon started on her story ‘bout wut she wuz gonna do @the telethon cuz she hadn’t been 2 one b4, it worked out gr8. wen shannon gets on that subject, she duz not stop. so i wuz able 2b rude 2 shannon & still save u frum havin’ 2 lissen 2 her rilly long story @the same time. i’ve heard it b4, & i can tell u wut she’z gonna say. “she hazn’t been 2 a telethon b4, so her mom wuz gonna take her shoppin’ & she wuz gonna buy sum new clothez.” thass it, xxcept she haz a lot more detailz ‘bout how she’z not gonna get lost in this store or that store & she lists them all by name.

    the girl u didn’t know, the 1 w/the short-ponytailed version of ur old hairdo wuz rilly happ i stopped her az u cud prolly tell frum wen she sed peeps innerrupt shannon tellin’ that story all the tyme. i guess she just sed, “all the tyme”, but thass wut she meant. fyi, her name iz grace, but sumtymez she tells peeps a diff name. she’z pretty nice, but her bf in the wheelchair iz a whacko az u know.

    aftah i did my bit insultin’ shannon, i noticed eldritch & zapata passing a lit ciggie & they were right by u guyz. i asked zapata & eldritch y there were doin’ that so close 2 the special needs kids & zapata sed the monitor nevah looks ovah @the special needs kids so u can do almost nethin’ u want, if u stand by them. gerald tried 2 tell me u “only make fun of retards behind their backs”, but i told him wut zapata & eldritch told me & he tried it out a couple of tymes, cuz he didn't believe me @1st.

    fyi, ur sis turned me in 4 smokin' & insultin' special needs peeps & the principal asked 2c my “converted 2 good" cert from corbeil. since the witch tore it up i don’t have it nemore. the principal wuz rilly happ 2 hear that 4 sum reasn. i believe i am takin’ all the rest of my xxamz in detention.

  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    Jeremy Jones is a big liar and you know it. You were there. He was really making fun of me for talking slow. All the special needs kids love to hear my story about the telethon. You are the nicest girl in Milborough, so I know you would listen to all of it and pay attention the whole time. The girl sitting next to you at lunch agreed with me when I said, “We get this all the time.” It wasn’t about people interrupting me when I talk too long. It was people who say mean things to people who have special needs. That’s what she was talking about. Not my story. It’s a good story. I wish you got to hear it. You were right when you called Jeremy a jerk.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:22 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    shannon, give me a break. the girl sitting next 2 april @lunch (named grace btw) had her eyez clozed & her head resting on her hand she wuz so bored listenin’ 2 that “i’ve never been 2 a telethon b4” story again. i’m not special needs & i’ve heard it, so i can’t imagine how many tymez she’z heard it. wenevah ur w/ur special needs friends, u do all the talkin’. i’ll bet wen faith & dylan were talkin’ 2 april, it wuz the 1st tyme she’d evah heard them talk b4.

  • At 6:27 PM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    You’re a jerk, just like April said at lunch. She’s the nicest girl in Milborough, and if she calls someone a jerk, then they are a jerk. I do not do all the talking for the Special Needs kids. April remembered when Jack cooked his egg from Home Economics class. She wouldn’t know that if I did all the talking. So, there! Jerk!

    Shannon Lake

  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    shannon, give me a break. the only reason april knows ‘bout jack cooking thoze eggz iz cuz she read his thot balloons. he didn’t say it out loud. if it wuzn’t 4 readin’ thot balloonz mosta the peeps wud figger the special needs kids r havin’ sum kinda nervous breakdown. & they wudn’t hafta read thot balloonz, if u were quiet long enuff 4 them 2 talk.

  • At 6:52 PM, Anonymous Shannon Lake said…


    You’re a jerk. I’m glad April made up that Germy, Wormy, Jeremy Jones song. I’m glad people sing it or hum it at you all the time. That’s what a jerk like you deserves. April would agree, since she wrote the song. Someone who makes fun of special needs people needs to be made fun of right back. All the time. That’s what someone nice like April would do.

    Besides, you weren’t there in Home Economics class, so you don’t know. My teaching assistant, Pat, could have told April about Jack’s eggs. I miss Pat. If Pat was still around, you wouldn’t get to make fun of me for speaking slow. Ever since she left, there aren’t any teachers who protect the Special Needs kids when we eat. The teachers just sit around, drinking their sodas, and ignore everything going on in the cafeteria.

    Pat would kick your butt, you jerk. Pat would make you let me finish my story. I miss Pat. I wish she was still around.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Since I have Gerald practically living in my house from his doing household chores (i.e. bending over a lot wearing tight pants) for the Newlyfoobs reality TV show, it was interesting to see the differing reactions between him and Becky over your news about Jeremy Jones at your lunch last Monday. Gerald seemed to be overjoyed about the matter and ecstatic. He is convinced that the loss of the "Converted to Good" certification from Corbeil means Jeremy is no longer eligible to be your childhood sweetheart. Since the two of you are no longer a couple, I didn’t know why he would care. I asked him why this makes him happy, and he says, “Oh! No reason!”

    Becky, on the other hand, seemed to be pretty upset about it and the idea that Jeremy has started smoking again and insulting people again. Since Becky hasn’t had anything to do with Jeremy after the Gym / Jam debacle, I didn’t know why she would care. I asked her why this makes her unhappy, and she says, “I’m not unhappy. Where did you get that idea?”

    It was confusing to me. However, I have a sudden urge to start lifting weights, even more than my regular routine.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, it's a shame the witch decided u hafta b a villain. when i came home from school 2day, diana artemis was w8ing 4 me, and she sed that things have been so hectic up in corbeil, she hasn't had a chance 2 inform me that the witch changed her mind and decided u're not a suitable childhood sweetheart 4 me after all. she told me also abt her revoking yr "changed 2 good" certification.

    i was, like, "doesn't the witch like redemption stories?" and dr. artemis responded, "not nemore. not since candace became friends with liz during university. now she's more in2 'once a villain always a villain' and 'bad ppl contrast w/patterson goodness.'" she went on w/"btw, u h8 jeremy now." and i sed, "i don't wanna h8 jeremy now." and dr. artemis sed, "ok, but u @ least have 2 publicly act as if u h8 him, or else it's black zits and shrinking 2 toddler size 4 u." and omg, i don't wanna go thru that again!

    becky and gerald, it is NOT cube 2 call mentally-challenged peeps "retards." i keep meaning 2 tell u that. it hurts their feelings AND it's against the rules.

    liz, thanx a lot, now ppl think i'm a rat fink.



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