Guest Blogger: Waabshki-Nika

Hello, April's readers. Liz here. As some of you might remember from my comments before, I was undecided about whether to let any of you know my spirit name, and I certainly wasn't going to reveal it here on April's blog. But then I thought about it for a while and changed my mind. This is a matter of justice, or trying to fix a terrible injustice perpetrated against me, by my sadistic brother Michael. Somehow, and I don't know how, he got to Jesse. I don't know if it was something direct, or if he somehow hacked into those spirit waves that noble natives get when they have important dreams that do things like reveal spirit names, but either way, he's found a way to infect my life! And I didn't want to take the chance of having April write about this and possibly louse it up with her teenspeak and loose approach to facts (at times).

You see, I had just loaded up my plate at that feast being held in my honour, and I was contemplating thinking really hard about my spirit name, Waabshki-Nika. I thought, "'White Goose.' It means, 'I'll always return.'" Then I sat down next to Jesse, who was already digging into his meal, and I said, "Thank you for my name, Jesse. It's beautiful." Jesse told me, "When Mr. Crane said you should have a spirit name, I hoped that I would be the one it would come to. Then, I had a dream... And I knew your name would either be 'Waabshki-Nika' ... Or ... 'Kaad-Gnebig Njnaamod'." When I asked him "What does that mean?" little did I expect the response that made my throat clench, my stomach drop down into my lap, and my blood turn icy: "Lizard Breath." You could have knocked me over with a feather, April! With a feather! Never did I expect to hear that dreaded taunt, devised by our heinous brother all those year ago, coming from the innocent voice of Jesse Mukwa! It nearly ruined my evening! All those miles away, Michael nearly ruined my night, somehow, and I really want to get to the bottom of this.

I am so angry just thinking about this, that I have to stop now and rebottle that anger again, like Mom taught me. I'm going to do some of my deep-breathing exercises and will comment again later after I calm down.

Take care,

Elizabeth/Waabshki-Nika

Wait a minute, what?

Liz sent me a v. v. short e-mail: "April, at the end of the naming ceremony, I realized, 'I don't remember my first baptism, but I'll never forget this one.' When/if I feel like it, I'll tell you my Spirit Name. Take care, Elizabeth."

OMG, can U believe this? Spill, Liz, we all sed we were sorry eh?

Apes

Naming

So, the big send-off feast was starting, and Jesse's Aunt Marg was all, "Just abtout every1 in the village is here, Miss Patterson: Chief Goulais, the band council and the elders. This is a gathering 2 say goodbye--but it will also B yr naming ceremony." When Liz was, like, "Naming ceremony?" Marg was all, "The ppl have decided 2 give U a spirit name, Elizabeth. This name was sent 2 Jesse in a deam--which made him very happy. He has been wanting 2 call U sumthing 4 a long time." Liz sez she cd hear Paul trying 2 suppress a laff behind her. And she sed, "April, that doesn't even make sense, B-cuz Jesse calls me sumthing all the time. He calls me 'Miss Patterson'. It's not as if he had 2 gesture mutely 2 get my attention all this time. And Y R they giving so much power 2 Jesse and his dreamz, esp the ones that made him v. happy? I think I remember Mom used 2 yell @ Michael abt dreamz that made him 2 happy ! Oh, well, I'd tell U what happened next, but I'm a bit pre-occupied @ the moment!" And then she hung up.

Oh, well, peeps, brace yrselves for a travelogue/docudrama/PSA/school-assembly film/After-School special.

Sorry I goofed abt yr favourite perfume when Susan asked abt it, Liz. Cda sworn it was Shalimar! Cherry Blossom, eh? Gd 2 know!

Hi, Luann! Glad U cd stop B an' comment last nite. I sympathize w/yr brother sitch. I think my bro'z spirit name wd B Bag of Wind.

Apes

"Give Away" an' stuff

So, like, Liz was nice enuf 2 post last nite abt what's been goin' on in Mtig. 4 those of U who mite not've C'n her post, here'z what she had 2 say:

I am sorry if my letter sounded paranoid before. I got all worked up and I probably shouldn't have. It is not nice to not trust someone. I try hard to trust everybody. Anthony says it's one of my best qualities and I don't want to disappoint people. See, right after the PDA stuff, Susan said she really did have to go. I guess Vivian told her she had to help make food for my big party. That made me feel reassured. I feel insignificant when people are talking about things that don't include me. It was nice to see Susan wasn't going to just talk about herself all night but was going to do some work on my party, which after all is the most important thing going on in the village right now. So everyone should be focused on it, right? That's what I thought too.

After Susan left I told Paul how Auntie Marg told me to make some gifts for the party. I was hoping Paul would explain that to me because where I come from down south it is rude to tell someone they have to bring someone a gift. I was pretty sure it must be a special native custom. But Paul didn't give me a good explanation. He just said there would be a "give away." So I was kind of annoyed because not only was he not telling me what I wanted to hear but he was just standing there and watching me while I lifted some heavy boxes.

So I decided to be assertive like you always want me to. I said, "Paul, why didn't you explain the custom to me? And why aren't you helping me with these boxes? Don't you care about my feelings? And men should have to do housework too!" I was really pleased with myself because I did what you always say ("be assertive") and also I said some of the things Mom says work to make men do what you want.

Well it worked because Paul helped me pick up a box and while we did that he explained that the party would be a traditional ceremony and that it meant I was accepted into the community and that it was quite an honor. I got so surprised by this that my eyes went really wide and I hopped on one foot. Let me tell you that is a bad idea when you are carrying a heavy box of books. The box fell down onto the floor.

That was actually ok with me because I had more important things to do. I wish someone had told me that people throwing a big party for me was a big honor that I should dress up for. It's just not fair to surprise a girl like that! But when you are living in a different culture you have to roll with the punches so I ran right over to a clothing box and started looking for a dress. I had been planning to wear my forest green pants with my yellow ochre t-shirt but for a traditional native ceremony I am thinking I should probably dress up more. I am really cursing that I gave my sexy red dress to you April. That would sure have made me stand out at my party and also helped remind Paul who is the center of his whole universe (wink wink)!

Well I totally didn't notice this but later Paul told me that when I dropped the box of books it fell on his foot. And it was really heavy so he couldn't pick it up again, he had to just scooch it across the floor while he asked me what I was doing. I guess that is why his voice sounded a little strained--his foot hurt. Well I feel kind of bad about that but he should not of surprised me by telling me a party in my honor is an honor, you know?

By the way April I have this one red tank top that is stiff as a board like it's made out of cardboard and not cotton or something. What do you think could cause that?

Liz

I dunno abt yr tank top, Liz, that'z nevr happed 2 NE of my clothes. MayB sum1 else who knowz more abt laundry issues will know an' post, eh?

Hope we get 2 hear U had a fun time @ yr feast!

Howard, hope everything went well w/yr second show and that Becks isn't upset NEmore abt whatevs she was upset abt!

Apes

Choke hold?

So, Liz told me more abt that day Susan an' Paul both showed up an' it turned out that they'd known ea other as kidz on the powwow circuit, all "Chipper!" "Suds!" Liz was all, "I've almost finished packing!" I think that was cuz she wanted 2 turn the subj of the convo back 2 herself after feeling all insignif. Paul was, like, "Seems strange 2 C this apartment looking so empty." And Susan was all, "It won't B in September! That's when I'll B moving in." Paul sed, "Right! So I'll C U around!" Liz was working her labelling gun just then an' feelin' taller than usual. Also quite Mike-like in the loox dept. Then Paul suddenly grabbed her fr. behind, in this weird choke-hold embrace of her neck, which made her drop her labelling gun, while he sed, "That is, until I get transferred. I want 2 B closer 2 Elizabeth." And then they turned 2 face ea other, like they were gonna kiss, an' Susan was, like, "If U 2 get NE closer, I'll leave." Liz told me she was ready 2 get a whole lot closer just so Susan wd leave. At least in theory. Liz wdn't really want 2 let Susan C NEthing like that!

Woooot! Summer vacation! Tho I'm already starting full-time @ Lilliput's 2day. Which kinda sux, but @ least it gets me outta the house an' away from "Retirement Elly". ::rolleyez::

Peace out!

Apes

HA-Ha, Dad!

Mom got in2 1 of thoze outdoor sweeping frenziez that sumtymez make Connie wonder if Mom mite have undiagnosed OCD, sweeping and resweeping the porch, the front path, the sidewalk. Dad after a while was all, "Heh, heh, heh.... a woman's work is never done", all whilst holding a cold beer. Then next thing U know? Dad was the one outside sweeping the porch, his face scrunched in indignation, and neighbourz report that it's not clear that he had a mouth NEmore @ that pt. LOL, Mom an' Dad so deserve ea other, eh?

Man, I M soooooo glad 2 B all dun w/school an' exams, there'z nuthin' like that 1st Sunday where U know U don't hafta go 2 school the next day!

So, Dunc an' Zandra, Howard an' Marjee, how was TO yesterday? Did NE1 run in2 Lawrence an' Nick @ the Pride stuff?

Apes

Insignificant in a Small World?

Liz told me abt how Paul was all, "Susan Dokis! Look @ U!" And how Susan was all, "I haven't seen U, Paul Wright, since U were 16!" Weird how they were doing this full-name thing. Like imagine if I were all, "Duncan Anderson! I haven't seen U since Eva Abuya was trying 2 molest U during our prom gig last nite, and boy did Zandra Larson not like that one bit", an' so on, like that. NEway, Susan xxplained 2 Liz, "We used 2 get 2gether when our parents took us on the powwow trail." And Liz told me Paul was, like, grinning @ Susan and kinda staring when he sed, "Man, have U ever changed!" Then he put his arm around Liz an' asked, "What R U doing in Mtigwaki?" Boy, has Liz kept her man in the dark, or what? Susan: "I'm taking Elizabeth's teaching position. I was invited to stay 4 a few dayz." Paul was, like,"Well, isn't it a small world!" And Susan sorta smirked when he sed that. "I wonder if it was like yr friend Eva's infamous smirking", Liz told me. NEway, rite after Paul sed that abt it being a small world, Liz was thinking, "He'z rite...I'm starting 2 feel insignificant." I'm kinda surprised she was only just starting @ that pt.

Dunc, I tried giving Eva that talk abt "good touches" vs. "bad touches", but she sorta laffed @ me & went in2 1 of her xxtended cowboy analogiez. So I tried comparing Zed 2 a gunfiter w/a bigger gun an' a faster horse, and that seemed 2 kinda get thru.

Thanx 2 every1 who sed nice thingz abt my bloggoversary!

Apes

Chipper an' Suds

K, what I don't understand is how come Liz had so much packing left 2 do when she'd been @ it 4 almost a month! Well, Liz mite pop in an' xxplain, or mayB not, depending on her mood.

So, Liz was packing up her kitchen stuff, and Susan asked if Liz wanted her help packing. Which was kinda weird considering Susan had already been helping her pack in the bedroom, but whatevs. Liz told her, "No thanks, but U can check the kitchen cupboardz and C what's worth saving." Hm, U'd think this mite B 1 of thoze thingz that Dunc's lawyer calls a "conflict of interest", since Susan gets 2 keep whatev Liz leaves behind, but I won't tell that 2 Liz, who seemz 2 think she knowz better than evey1 else, esp. her 15yo sister!

So then, there was a knock @ the door and Liz was all, "There'z sum1 @ the door. It's probably my boyfriend." Weird that Liz thinks she needs to xxplain what a knock @ the door meanz. NEway, Susan was all, "I'll get it", and next thing U know, Paul was goin' "Chipper?" An' Susan was all, "Suds!!" And he swept her up in the air and held her w/his hands cuppin' her arse, in that way Liz thot was reserved 4 her. And so Liz st8ed the obvs again, w/"I'm guessing that U 2 know each other." So, yeah, loox like they've got a history w/ea other. Stayed tuned!

NEhoodles, U know what else? 2day'z my 1-yr bloggoversary!!! Yup, so in that blogging tradition, I'm gonna take U back 2 my v. 1st post, where I was all,

Hi, everyone! This is April Patterson, and this is my blog. I tried to start one before, but my nosy mother caught me. But since she's such a clueless FOOB, I convinced her a blog is a place to post fridge pics. You can see "my" official blog here:

http://www.fborfw.com/fun/blog/

Right, Ma, as if.

So this is my real blog, the place where I'll be writing the things I don't want Mom to see. I've got to keep this one short. . . . I hear Mom callin' me. Tune in soon, though.

Can U believe I've been doin' this 4 a year? And I haven't missed a day! Go, me, eh? Big thanx go out 2 every1 who posts here an' 2 every1 who reads here!

Wha?

Liz told me that Susan started helping her pack, and while they worked on the packing, Liz told her, "The school is small, but it's only a problem in the winter. When it's 2 cold 2 go outside, U have 2 come up w/a lot of gd indoor gamez." Hm, cuz school's all abt the games, eh? Then, Liz was all, "U'll like living in this apartment. I've had sum gr8 times here." Susan was, like, "U don't want 2 leave, do U." She sed it like a st8ment (again). Liz answered, "No, but I can't stay. I miss my home." Susan all blinkily sed, "Mtigwaki feelz like home 2 me....Xcept that in the village where I grew up, there were a lot more vehiclez. U cdn't drive them, but there were a lot more vehiclez." Liz told me this made her laff out loud: "April, I can't even remember the last time I've had such a good laff, a hearty, Patterson laff, w/my tung sticking out." And I was, like, "Yuck." And, "Liz, Y is that funny? So she lived in a place where there were lotsa broken-down carz an' trucks, like probably all over the place? That doesn't sound funny 2 me. Sad, depressing, but not funny." Liz got frustr8ed w/me, and she was all, "April, U just don't understand the humour of the Ojibway. It's very specific, and U need 2 B-come well attuned 2 it!" Whatevs, eh?

Apes

Susan Dokis Arrives and Blinks

Liz was (still) packing, when there was a knock on the door. It was Susan Dokis, the Ojibway teacher who'z going 2 take over Liz's job in the fall. Liz told Susan she wasn't xpecting 2 C her, and Susan told her, "Mr. Crane invited me here 4 a few dayz ....Cd I come in?" Poor Susan was standing out in the doorway, probably thinking Liz wd never ask her in if she didn't prompt her. Liz told her abt having heard she was going 2 take her position, and Susan mentioned she didn't think there'd B an opening in a Northern school so soon. Awwwww, C ppl, we're supposta feel, like, heartwarmed that Liz's "I'm so hooooomesick" stuff is making sum1's dreamz come true! Then Susan was all, "This will be my 1st job, Elizabeth--and I have 2 say--I'm quite nervous!" Liz was, like, "Don't worry... The kids will teach U everything U need 2 know!" Hmm, this sorta remindz me of when Dee was preg w/Merrie and went 2 Tracey Mayes 4 advice, an' Tracey saying she didn't know NEthing when she 1st had the kidz, but that they, the kidz, taut her everything. Hm, did Liz take notes on that lil xchange?

Liz sez she noticed Susan was blinking sorta oddly, and that it reminded her that every1 in town, including herself, seemz 2 B blinking oddly l8ly. Like staring unblinking 4 a long time, then, ::BLINK::. Then ::STARE::. Then, ::BLINK::. She also sez Susan had a v. v. tite bun an' Mom wd adopt her in a heartbeat!

Dunc that Razr fone yr Aunt Perdita gave U soundz v. cube. MayB U shd start thinking abt 4giving her 4 bygones B-ing bygones an' all the usual stuff the g'upz say abt theze thingz?

Apes

Farewell Friend or Prune Social for Liz?

So, like of course Jesse an' Ellen walked Liz home fr. the school on their last day of class. Ellen told Liz that Jesse's auntie has a gift 4 her, and Jesse got mad cuz it was supposta B a surprise. Ellen sed she was also making a gift 2 give her @ the feast, & that there'z always a feast when sum1 they really like goez away. Liz wanted 2 know what happs when sum1 they don't like goes away, and Ellen told her they have a feast then, 2, and that her Dad callz it a "prune social". Jesse xplained it's B-cuz every1 feels so relieved. Oh, look, poop humour. U eat prunes, U poop, U feel relieved. An' I suppose Mtig feelz like it pooped out the person they didn't like or sumthin' like that. Bleh. I think Ellen's dad wd get along w/my dad. And my gramps, too. They cd sit around and make poopy jokes an' punz all day long.

But U know what I'm thinking? If the Mtiggies have a feast 4 sum1 leaving, whether they like the person or not, Liz has no real way of knowing whether the town as a whole likes her or is v. v. happy ("relieved") she is leaving. Kinda sux, eh?

Jeremy, I'm glad U were able 2 get that juice outta yr eyez after all the happy-fish dancing every1 else was doing following Carolina's defeat of Edmonton 4 the Cup. Sorry abt the excessive dancing, but Dunc's enthusiasm was so catching!

Apes

Somehow it becomes all about Jesse again!

Liz has had her last day of school in Mtig, and after she wished her class a gr8 summer, Ellen was all, "U're not coming back 2 teach us, R U, Miss Patterson." Liz tells me she sed it like a st8ment, not a question. And Liz told her, "No, Ellen. I've decided 2 stay in the city." Ellen asked her, "Will U ever come back?" And Liz was, like, "Of course I will!" And Jesse horned in, all, "That's what every1 sez." And Liz told him, "Jesse, I never 4get my friends and I never 4get a promise." Jesse asked, "I will C U again?" (Weird phrasing!) Liz sed, "Yes, U will." Then she put a hand on his shoulder and sed, "And that, my friend...is a promise." Which, I guess, was 2 reassure Jesse that this was true and all, but what happened 2, like, reassuring Ellen? How come everything alwayz endz up w/all Jesse all the time w/Liz when she'z dealing w/her students, eh? Hey, I wonder if the class she'll teach this summer is holding auditions for "centre of Miss Patterson's teaching universe" rite now.

So, Becks is organizing as many rehearsals as we can fit between examz cuz we have our prom gig this coming Friday, June 23! She's been so bizzy w/, well, other stuff, that we haven't rehearsed as much as we'd all wanted 2. But I think it'll all come 2gether this week.

Apes

Happy Dad'z Day, yo!

Happy Dad'z Day 2 all U fatherly types out there, eh? With all the death talk l8ly, I thot a life-affirming membership 2 Pete's gym wd B a gd gift 4 my Dad, an' when I gave him the membership certificate this morning, he smiled like a muppet! Mom told him "My gift is 4 l8r!" Dad's getting ready 2 go 2 the gym, now. When Liz called 2 wish him a happy, I took the call an' told her abt Mom's "l8r" comment. I thot mayB it was one of thoze TMI thingz U really don't wanna think abt w/yr 'rents, but Liz laffed an' sed it meanz that when Dad comez back from the gym all sore, Mom wd give him a Father's Day massage.

It's a wonder we're up so early after our l8 nite last nite @ the Barbados on the Water fest in TO. That was cube! I luvved the Mighty Gabby concert, an' I can C Y Dunc's a major fan! Jeremy, I'm glad my "cowgirl" talk w/Eva worked out well 4 U both. I think she did more talkin than I did, but I asked her lotsa questionz abt Y she focuses on Dunc so much when U're the one who'z w/her now an' its so obvs how U'd do NEthing 4 her. An' Dunc being w/Zandra & them B-ing v. in2 ea other.

I agree, I thot it was funnee that my mom an' Ger'z mom got all competitive abt staying l8. They get like that a lot theze dayz. But I think U R rite, they'll both B imposs when it comez time 4 us 2 plan a wedding! Abt getting fried fish 4 Ger, yeah, I alwayz know he'll need food after one of his mother'z special dinners out. Or one of her dinnerz in, 4 that matter!

So, who's in 4 studying 2gether 4 examz this afternoon? We'll start around noon, K? I have snax!

Apes

Dad brought that one on himself!

When Mom an' Dad got back from Gramps's place, Dad was all, "We bought burial plots 2day, April. They're in a nice location." I'd been lying on my bed, chillin' w/Butterscotch, an' reading a mag. When Dad sed what he did, I was like, "::tsk:: DA-AD!" And Dad went on, "Yep! Now all we need is a good epitaph.... Like, "Life's a joke and then U croak." I slapped my handz over my earz, all, "AAAGH!" And I asked, "How can U make fun of something so...final?!!" Dad sed, "It's much easier 2 talk abt serious thingz if U can laff a little. B-sidez, we're pretty sure we'll B around 4 a long, long time." I went, "I hope so. ...I still haven't decided how 2 spend my inheritance." Dad had 1 of his D'oh faces again when I sed that, LOL! That's what he gets 4 tellin' me it's a gd idea 2 make jokes abt serious thingz 2 make 'em EZ-er 2 talk abt. Of course, the way Mom an' Dad R goin' w/their spending on stuff like CrevASSes an' gravesites, by the time I hafta decide what 2 spend the inheritance on, it'll B like, "What 5 thingz do I wanna buy @ the dollar store?"

Eva, it's not cube that U scared that person who may or may not have been Dunc. Dunc, R U OK? This question has nothing 2 do w/the previous sentence, big fugitive-guy!

Apes

Inevitable "PLOT" pun

Yup, U prolly saw this one coming. With all this crizzappy talk of cemeteries an' gravesites, U prolly guessed that sum1 in my fam wd B unleashing an awful pun on plot-as-story vs. plot-as-grave. U're prolly callin' yr bookie now 2 collect sum $ on that bet!

So it was Gramps's turn 2 make the st00pid pun. It came after he'd suggested going urn-shopping. Dad had just sed, "So, that's it then. We've all settled for cremation." Hmmm, "settled". Isn't that what happs when U don't get what U really want? NEway, Iris thot buying urns was "being a little 2 prepared", but Gramps disagreed and sed either of 'em cd go @ NE time. Then he got all, "That's the beauty of this novel! Nobody knows how the story ends! We all have to 'read' it one chapter at a time!" Iris gave Gramps his setup by saying, "I don't think I like the plot." So Gramps ripped out, "2 L8, now. --It's already been purchased!" This made Dad LOL, of course, since U know he luvs puns almost as much as he luvs trainz, but apparently he managed 2 laff w/his tung IN his mouth! Can U believe it?

Hey, let's mock my fam by coming up w/the worst punz we can think of. They can B abt NEthing that's been going on--the graveyard stuff, Liz's recent decisionz, Mike's adventures in his not-Rosedale-or-Beaches nabe, me an' the band, whatevs. Have fun!

Apes

Is it Sunday yet?

AAAAUUUUUGH!!!!!!!

The cemetery talk, it just won't go away!!!

Mom an' Dad @ Gramps an' Iris's apt. Gramps being all, "I'm glad U got the ball rolling on this cemetery bizness, Elly." Oh, of course he'z glad. He can't be normal, like, "Butt out, navet nose", oh no, he hasta B glad! Then, "I've been sort of dragging my feet. I have all the other details taken care of, so it won't B 2 much of a burden when I pop off." Mom (indignant): "Dad!" Gramps going on, "Wd U mind if Iris joined me?" Y does he need Mom's permission 2 decide on his own burial planz? Gah! Then, "She'll B divided, 2, I guess... w/part of her ashes going 2 rest beside her 1st husband." Mom (cheerful): "Yes! That wd B fine!" Gramps delivering his punchline: "Good. I will tell my better half." Pls, pls, pls make it stop!!!

Dunc, U totally hafta come back!!! Yr mom sez she'z not gonna press charges or let yr dad press charges. She just wants U home safe an' wants U 2 finish out the schoolyear & play our prom gig!

Apes

I'm back, I guess

I can't make NE guaranteez 4 2morrow, Friday, or Sat, tho. We mite B having more guest bloggerz.

After Mom an' Dad's depressing visit 2 the cemetery, they went 2 Gramps's house 2 rub his face in tell him about their purchase. His 1st reaction when Mom told him they'd "bought sum space @ the Chapel Hill Cemetery" was "That's nice. But I'm still here." C, even Gramps is more focused on life than my mom is @ the mo. And Mom was all, "It's for US! --But, there'z enuf room 4 all of us... If... we're, U know, 'dust 2 dust'. We were wondering if U'd like 2 B in the same spot." Bleah. Gramps was, like, "I don't know. I have a place next 2 yr mother." And Mom was all, "She'z in Vancouver, Dad! ....Don't U want 2 B w/us?" OMG, Mom, how much do U h8 Grandma Marian, eh? And I can only imagine Iris felt like a big ol' block of chopped liver during this talk. NEway, Iris spoke next, saying he cd have his ashes divided so he cd bury half w/Marian & half here. Which, I guess, Gramps took 4 a str8 line so he cd punch out this: "Hmm...I guess it is possible 2 B in 2 placez @ once."

Whatevs, I just really want all this death an' corpse talk 2 end, eh? Don't U?

Dunc! Yr mom was calling here all frantic wanting 2 know if U were hiding out here. I won't say NEthing 2 the g'ups, but I think running away is going 2 turn out 2 B a bad, bad idea! MayB U cd get sum of us 2 B yr, like, negotiatorz w/yr 'rents?

Apes

Guest Blogger: Lawrence Poirier

Hello, April's readers! This is Lawrence Poirier. I grew up with Mike Patterson, April's big brother, and now I run Lakeshore Landscaping with my life partner Nick Browne. April asked me to do a guest entry for her blog this morning because she doesn't wish to write anything about her parents' recent visit to the cemetery, where they received a sales pitch from a smarmy, Gordo-with-a-goatee looking rep who spouted out the tired old "location, location, location" axiom you always get with real estate. April, I guess that's what your dad gets for having told you that he and your mom were discussing "real estate", eh?

Anyway, business is really booming at Lakeshore Landscaping. My mother, Connie Poirier, couldn't be more proud. Mom lives next door to April's house, as many of you know, and she's also Elly Patterson's oldest friend. They go way back, to their university days. Though Mom actually finished her degree! Mom rocks.

Elly Patterson nearly broke her arm patting herself on the back during my whole coming out back in 1993. But now she barely remembers my existence, except when Liz is using me working at my business during the summer. Speaking of which, she never actually came out and told me she wasn't working with me this summer. I had to find out from Elly telling my mother and my mother saying, "Well, Lawrence, I guess you and Nick are going to have to make some other plans to round out your summer-staffing needs, since Liz Patterson is teaching in Mississauga this summer." Gee, thanks, Liz.

Aw, Geez, April, as I was writing this, the Blogger message of death appeared at the bottom. "Could not connect to Blogger. Saving and publishing may fail. Test connection now." It figures this would happen when I'm guesting. I hope it resolves itself soon!

Best,

Lawrence Poirier, subbing for April today

Guest Blogger: Jeremy Duncan!

Yo, it's Jeremy Duncan here! April asked me to guest blog for her today, because she says if she tries blogging today, she'll have to tell you all about her parents' visit to the cemetery to buy their dead-person plots, and her mom wanting a plot "with a view" and lameness that goes like that. I can so relate, because I blog too, and I also have boring parents.

My girlfriend Sara dumped me recently, which pretty well sucks, especially since Pierce wrote about it on his myspace. But dude's gonna make it up to me with the party he's having tonight! He told me his parents are out of town, and I guessed that this means party at their place. Pierce told me he would have used the words "apocalyptic realignment of the earth's tectonic plates," but y'know, tom-ay-to/to-mah-to and all those old-people clichés. The important thing is par-TAY tonight at Pierce's place. Oh, and April told me about her friend Duncan's little birthday get-together at Tim Horton's this evening. Pierce says if you can sneak away afterwards, you're all invited to his apocalyptic thingy.

Jeremy Duncan, signing out for April

Mike Gets "Paid"

OMG, was NE1 watching Sunday Morning Milborough this morning? They had this totally lame segment on "Hometown Boy Makes Good", featuring my bro Michael. Bunny Bedenheimer, their correspondent, was, like, totally gushing abt "Michael Patterson, the illustrious Editor of Portrait magazine and possibly Canada's most versatile writer". But the story wasn't abt Mike's writing, it was abt how he did a repair on the porch of the building where he rents an apt. His downstairz neighbour was all pointing out that he doesn't need 2 do repairs on a rental. Then he told Mike that he cd deduct fr. his rent the cost of the materials he bought 2 do the repair. Finally, he commented that Mike must B getting sumthing outta his doing the repair, an' Mike was all, "Oh, I'll get sumthing." And when Mike showed Lovey the repair, she gave him a big hug, after which Mike told Mr. Kelpfroth, "Paid in full."

The correspondent for the show made a big deal abt how Mike xpected no "payment" other than his landlady's gratitude. And he's a credit 2 his Milborough upbringing and a big "gain" 2 the Toronto neighbourhood, neither Rosedale nor the Beaches, where he lives. Mike held up a copy of Portrait mag and plugged the play he working on abt his childhood. Soundz like he got sum major free advertising fr. all this, eh?

Well, happy birthday, Dunc! I'm sorry we don't get 2 celebr8 2day, but we'll have fun when we get 2gether @ Horny T's 2morrow evening. It's gonna B Dunc, Zandra, Ger, Becky, Luis, Eva, Jeremy, Vicks, Gordie, an' me, an' mayB sum other peeps, 2. Also, a buncha g'ups fr. my mom's creative non-fiction class R meeting there, but they'll sit separate fr. us, thankgodfully!

Oh, so sum1 called Xiamaze "tagged" me in the comments yesterday, which meanz I'm supposta tell U like six "weird factors" abt myself. Here goez:

1. I have this bad hairdo, and it's cursed. Whenever I try 2 change it 2 a cute hairdo, it springz back in2 the bad propellor bun. Unless I do a ponytail or one braid down the back. Or unless I'm going 2 bed or showering, then I can have it down 4 a lil while.
2. I play the guitar, both electric and acoustic, but I hafta keep the electric guitar @ my friend Dunc's house cuz my mom gave it 2 him after she ended this v. brief "good mom" thing that's 2 complicated 2 xplain here.
3. I cda made sum pretty cube summer planz, but instead, I'm gonna keep working in my lame bookstore job (Lilliput's). @ least Mom doesn't work there NEmore.
4. My mom luvs nothing more than pastriez.
   
5. My dad luvs nothing more than model trainz.
6. I was an "oops" kid. My brother is thirty, my sister will B 25 this summer, an' my parents occasionally 4get I xist!
   

I'm also supposta "tag" six other blogs, but being the polite Canadian that I am, I feel bad abt doing that. If NE bloggerz reading here wanna volunteer an' post six "weird factors" abt themselvez on their blogz, pls let us know (an' give a link 2 yr blog) in the comments!

I Don't Want 2 TALK Abt it, U Don't Want 2 READ Abt It!

Mom an' Dad, havin' their creepee convo abt burial plots, Dad was all scheming that if they did cremation, the plots cd B shared. And then "there'd B space 4 other family memberz". I was all, "R U talking abt burial? ...That is so depressing!!!" Mom was, like, "Perhaps, but it's sumthing we shd do. Ppl plan 4 everything else, but they leave important thingz like this unresloved." I let out a big "AAGH!!" an' stomped off, saying "I DON'T WANT 2 TALK ABOUT IT!!!" I had a weird feeling I was suddenly in silhouette as I was making my exit. Then I heard Mom saying, "...And that's Y."

Doodz, I really DON'T wanna talk abt this, an' I totally know I'm not alone! If thoze uncontrollable forces R wanting me 2 write abt this next wk, I mite just hafta call in a guest blogger again, like I did B4 w/my cousin Laura and Edda Burber. But I guess we'll hafta w8 an' C.

Jeremy, I did C the article in the paper U sed 2 watch 4 in your post abt Gordie being a hero @ the moviez last nite. Wow, such dram! Gr8 goin', Gordie!

Dunc, is it true that Mike's been calling Zandra's house trying 2 convince her 'rents that Charles Wallace wd B perfect 2 portray "Michael Patterson, age 9" in the workshopping of his play?

Apes

Dad gets in2 the morbid shopping!

Aw, geez! So when Mom an' Dad had been having the convo I told U abt yesterday, I'd been out walking the dogz, and when I came back, I asked them what they were discussing, an' Dad sed "real estate". Mom had one of thoze "D'oh" looks on her face just then. Then Dad told me that Mom had just told him the ad sed cemeter plotz were $1K apiece, and he'd been all "Whoa" and asking whether that was 4 a 4' X 6' plot or a small cremation space. Mom was thinkin 4' x 6'. Dad was saying he didn't "Want 2 go in2 the ground in a coffin", so he wondered what a smaller space wd cost. I thot 1 of the pts of cremation was 2 avoid being planted in the ground @ all.

Geez, U know, I really, really, really want this topic 2 go away!

NEway, yesterday Blogger was having major probs. I was trying to post this last nite:

omg. no1 listens 2 me!

mike, u wrote,

What’s wrong with mom? Is she sick? Your post seems to indicate you think she is suicidal. How long have you known she was going to try to kill herself? I am beginning to understand now why Liz complains about your e-mails dropping little hints about things, but no details.

i haven't "known" nething abt mom planning 2 kill herself. i just saw all theze posts fr peeps who sed they'd gotten invites fr. mom, 4 her funeral. m i the only 1 who saw thoze posts? theze ppl sounded like they were, like, clearing an actual d8 or sumthin', not, like, reacting 2 sum1 just being, like, "well, when i die, i want u 2 b @ the funeral." so what m i supposed 2 think?

paul, u keep coming back 2 the idea of mom being sick. she'z not sick. remember i posted abt how she was planning on being checked 4 every kinda cancer? well, when she did, she also had a basic physical and a buncha tests, an' the doc sed she's healthy. so can we get off this "elly's sick" thing? if u don't believe me, y don't u send her an e-mail? u can reach her @ "ellypatterson1951@yahoo.ca", k?

jeremy, who called u?

So, 2 review, Mom is healthy, she hasn't told me NEthing abt a funeral, and U all prolly know more abt this than I do, so pls stop piling up on me!!!

apes

Morbid Mom

Mom'z even bumming out Dad, and U know he can B pretty morbid himself. But the l8est Mom-being-morbid thing was she wanted 2 buy a coupla burial plots @ the Chapel Hill Cemetery, cuz they ran an ad in the paper saying they cd save $ by buying now. Dad was all, "Y in the world R U thinking abt cemetery plots?" She didn't mention Moira's comment abt Mom coming back 2 haunt her, just sed "Y not? It makes sense 2 plan 4 our future." And Dad was, like, "Can't we plan a few vacations 1st?!!" And U know he was totally implying that they plan their vacationz w/out me, as usual.

BTW, Zandra told Duncan that she heard a certain Michael Patterson had been @ her little brother Charles Wallace's school, talking 2 their principal abt workshopping a play that "requires yung actors"; working title "Adventures on Sharon Park Lane".

Paul, U mita thot fr meeting my mother 1x that she'z more horsey than bothery, but U R mistaken. Trust me, I know my mother better fr. living w/her 4 15 yrs than U do fr. her spending 1 l8 nite an' 1 morning in yr detachment. And BTW, I know it's Mtigwaki an' not Mtighooha, that was just a lil joke.

Apes

55

Oh, whatevs! So, Mom's, like, totally 4gotten that she useta like being offered a senior'z discount, an' it was Connie who was all offended by the idea. But after her coffee w/Moira this past weekend, she was all, "Senior'z discount. That's the second time sum1's asked me if I qualify! ...Do I look 55?" Well, is this question cuz that's the age 4 senior discounts, or cuz she actually will B turning 55 in August and is upset about being a coupla months ahead of sked? I'm still not sure what age thoze discounts start. And second time? Second time when, that day? Not the 2nd time ever, that's 4 sure! NEway, Moira was all, "I don't know, Elly. Sum ppl R so youthful it's hard 2 tell how old they R. I'd say U were...ageless." Aw, look how cautious poor Moira was being. Notice she didn't xactly say that Mom's one of those ppl who R so youthful it's hard 2 tell how old they R. Just that sum ppl R like that, an' then she jumped 2 Mom being "ageless", which, well, what a crock! But Mom was all, "I thot U might say 'U're attractive 4 yr age.'" And Moira was all, "I wdn't dare... U mite come back 2 haunt me!" LOLOL! Mom then yelled @ her, "Moira-I'm not that OLD!" Again, whatevs. Sorry my topic is so snoozeworthy this week.

Apes

Senior Discount

Mom told me that after she stopped in @ Lilliput's this past wkend, she an' Moira went out 4 coffee. They left Beatrice 2 run the store all by herself. When Moira asked Mom how she's enjoying retirement, Mom told her she doesn't feel retired cuz she'z been so busy, what with classes, cleaning, and kids, so she hardly has time 2 think. And she mentioned that she'z started 2 write (w/out mentioning the creative nonfiction class). Moira wanted 2 know what she'z been writing about, and Mom was all, "Just stuff. ... Short family stories 2 put in my albums. I thot it wd be nice 2 have a sort of family diary. --Especially after I'm gone." Moira tried 2 get Mom not 2 talk like that, all "U're still yung," but naturally, this hadta 2 B the moment when the waiter showed up, all, "Senior'z discount, Ma'am?" as he collected the coffee mugz. I guess I oughta B gr8ful that no1 punned on how seniorz shdn't B "discounted" or sumshizz like that, eh? BTW, does NE1 know when the senior discounts kick in? I thot it was sumtyme in yr 60s. If so, I guess Mom looks old 4 her age!

Apes

Mom sticks her potato nose in Lilliput's (already)!

K, so 4 those of U bored w/me writing abt Liz, I hafta warn U, I'm abt 2 start writing abt my MOM! I know, that's so much worse! And as usual, I don't know how many dayz I'll be writing abt her. Let's just hope really hard it'll be a short run, eh?

So, Mom got in2 1 of her busybody moodz this past wkend an' decided 2 pop in @ Lilliput's 2 "check in on the girls". She told Moira that it's "lovely" an' some1 sed, "Sum fresh paint, a few minor changez, and voila! --It's a brand-new store." Moira was all, "I hope U don't mind, we took down all the ceiling decorationz and moved the railroad display." LOL, sum of U mite remember that Moira had started plotting 2 take down thoze st00pid ceiling decorationz agez ago, way B4 the sale of the store actually happed. And she cdn't w8 2 get the choo-chooz outta her window! NEhoodlez, Mom was, like, "Lilliput's is yr store now, ladies." And then she thot, "::SIGH:: ... Sumtymez I'm sorry that I sold this place." Rite after she thot that, sum woman w/a butt even bigger than Mom's, with a lil kid screaming an' making a puddle w/his melting ice cream, went up 2 the counter 2 Moira, all, "I ordered theze books. They were torn when I got them, so I want U 2 xchange them 4 3 more." An' another kid was, like, reaching 4 Moira's elbow. Sum cartoony-looking boy w/a dirty face was grabbin' @ stuff on top of one of the low shelvez. So Mom finished her thinking w/ "...And, sumtymez not." Yeah, cuz Mom alwayz h8ed the public. "Retail wd B so much better w/out the customerz!" But no customerz, no $, eh?

Dunc, if yr mom callz yr dad "Dean", does that mean she'z mad @ him? NEway, lemme know if U wanna stay here while yr Auntie Perdita's in town w/her husband an' "goat baby".

Apes

Donut-goal--haven't we seen this B4?

I was confused this morning when I was reading Ger's comment abt how he was sorry my Mom was gonna die, an' how Connie was supposta have been sayin' stuff abt this 2 the creative-nonfiction class my mom's been taking at the college. Just after I read his message, I heard Mom an' Connie coming in, all huffin' an' puffin', saying they'd just dun a "power walk" 2 and from the Donut & Deli. Mom was all, "Nearly killed me, but, as Connie reminded me, when it comes 2 xercise, it's important 2 have a definite goal."

I was, like, "Speaking of 'nearly killed', Y does Ger think Mom's gonna die? He sez his mom got this from sumthing Connie was telling the creative-nonfiction class. Mom looked perplexed, and Connie explained that she'd written abt her mother's friend Nellie Rüttlersohn who died after having had menopause for 25 yrs. And mom was, all, "Not the cautionary tale of Nellie again, Connie! Besides, didn't she die because of undiagnosed cancer?" Connie sed that's what she told the class and Mrs. Forsythe. Well, Mom asked me to go 2 the class's forum an' C what else might B up. So I did, an' I found this lil post from Ger'z mom: "But perhaps the symptoms she thought were prolonged menopause were really the symptoms of cancer. Perhaps there is no such thing as prolonged menopause. Maybe it's just a terrible, wonderful trick of nature."

And we looked up higher in the thread an' saw where she wrote,

I just want to double check with you: a person can actually DIE from menopause going on too long?! I wouldn't want to get my hopes up too high. I mean, this bit of information could change the course of my life--and the life of my darling Gerald--forever! If certain, umm, persons will not be surviving much longer, then the suitability of some of my son's more likely marital prospects increases at least thirtyfold.

OMG, Ger, my Mom'z a pain an' all, but it's not cube that yr Mom is like actively hoping she'll die soon an' that she thinx this all meanz U'll dump me an' get w/sum1 else!!!!

NEway, I'm sure yr Mom will B v. v. sad 2 hear my mom's getting screened 4 every single kind of cancer there is!

Then once that was all settled, Mom an' Connie had 2 rehash their walk. Their boring, boring walk. An' how Mom had been all wheezing, and Connie had asked if they shd walk the whole way, 2 which Ma sed she wd. An' Ma was all, "Absolutely! Let's walk!" Connie told her, "Just keep a steady stride," and Mom went, "Steady as she goes." Connie: "Remain completely focused. Mom: "I am totally focused." Connie: "Another half-hour?" Mom: "I can do it if U can." Connie was, like, "We're almost there," And Mom, "I can C it in the distance." Then they got 2 the st00pid Donut & Deli. And I had the strangest feeling I'd heard this story B4, and not just once B4, but many times, an' like a million variationz on it, when Mom an' Connie have walked or jogged 2gether. Mom needs new material! And don't even get me started on how I'm sure Mom consumed more donut-calories than she burned in her power walk.

Howard, Ger an' I R v. physically affectionate! We make out all the time, an' he def gets 2 put his handz in my bra. I dunno what he was on abt, but mayB he wanted sum1 2 give him lotsa sympathy?

Apes

Liz-mail and "tear"

So, Liz decided to send me e-mail:

Dear Sis. It's for sure. I'll be working this summer for a school in Mississauga. I can't wait to see you all again! With the lakes open, school is winding down. I'm starting to collect moving boxes and to give away some of the things I don't need. Paul is upset with me for deciding to come home, but he understands why. He's going to ask for a transfer south! Even though I want to leave, it will be hard to tear myself away from here. Interesting, isn't it, that tear and tear (to cry) are spelled the same way.

Anyway, April, I have a feeling that while I was e-mailing you, my lips became full and lush and my eye-makeup applied itself. I want to go look in the mirror!

Love,

Elizabeth

I dunno, Liz. The tear/tear thing is prolly abt as interesting as "to bear" the verb vs. "bear" the animal being spelled the same way. Or how the verb "to read" also spells its past tense as "read" but the pronunciation's different. Or how "dear" can mean "darling" or "expensive." There are lotsa examplez of this kinda thing. MayB other ppl can think of their favourites, which R prolly equally "interesting".

I still don't understand Y having a summer job lined up equals quitting from your full-time job that wda picked up in the fall. U never did that when U had a summer job lined up w/Lakeshore Landscaping.

Edit: Practice @ Becky's 2day, 4 our prom gig, starts @ 4 pm! It's gonna B Becks, Ger, Dunc, Eva, Luis, Jeremy, Zandra, an' me there!

Apes

Jesse, Bottle Boy

Liz tellz me that she after the convo w/Jesse that I told U abt yesterday, she followed him 2 his Aunt Marg's house and asked her if she cd speak w/him. Marg told her that he was in his room and told her how 2 get there. Liz told Jesse, "Jesse... I want U 2 know that leaving Mtigwaki is going 2 B v. hard 4 me. I promise 2 write. U & yr auntie can come down 2 the city 2 visit me. Pls don't B angry." He wdn't say NEthing, so she went out and told Marg, "He won't speak 2 me." And Marg was all, "I know. He bottles thingz up." Then she held up a jar and sed, "I wish we cd C what's inside." Liz didn't say NEthing 2 that, but she tellz me she was, like, totally mortified @ the idea of ppl B-ing able 2 C in2 ea other and know what they R feeling. "April, I wanted 2 hit that jar rite outta her handz! How dare she B so prying! If Jesse wants 2 keep his feelingz bottled up inside, then more power 2 him! But OTOH, I really wanted 2 know what he was thinking and feeling. And I wanted him 2 tell me he wasn't mad @ me NEmore. I'm confused again. I need 2 sit down & bury my head in2 my handz."

Jeremy, I didn't write what Dunc and Ger were fiting abt cuz they wdn't tell me. MayB they will feel like posting abt it here on the blog.

Shannon, sorry abt not giving U a mention, but it mite B a better thing, cuz w/my mom an' her web designer interfering, U never know what U're gonna C abt yrself in the letterz! It's much cuber 2 get mentioned here, doncha think?!?!?!?

Dunc, thoze were v. gd questionz abt Y Liz wd move 2 Mississauga 4 the summ if she wants 2 teach in Markham in the fall. I'm not sure, but she hasn't sed NEthing abt actually getting the Markham job (so far), so she doesn't know yet where she'll B teaching in Sept.

Apes

June 2006 letterz!

Peeps, sorry this is so l8! I actually started reading the letters abt 2 and a half hours ago, but then we got a big thunder storm that wdn't quit an' I hadta shut down the 'puter. Drag!

My letter: Not much 2 add 'cept an apology and an xplanation Jeremy. I actually made that comment abt Jeremiah Johns, not U, Jeremy. U know how Jeremiah's been l8ly, what w/the not-funny pranx he's been playin' on every1 and the crude jokes. But I think my Mom an' Stephanie assume I typoed so they "corrected" his name 2 "Jeremy Jones".

Lizzie's letter: OMG, Liz! U admitted that U love Paul!!! So, Liz U R gonna get an apt in Mississauga 4 the summer an' then prolly hafta move again in the fall?!?!?!?!

Mom's letter: Erg, I dunno if U h8 this 2, but it bugz the heck outta me when Mom starts one of her monthly letterz w/"Thanks for your interest in our family's happenings." Like she'z the host of the fam an' naturally every1 is starting w/her letter like U start @ "Go" in Monopoly. Whatevs.

Kinda weird how Mom makes it sound like Robin's all better an' U can C fr. Dee'z letter that the ear infections R still on-going. Do U think mayB Mike an' Dee let Mom think the illnesses were all gone cuz they'd had enuf of her?

Well, now that Mom's written abt my summer-job planz, I guess my memory-block is lifted. So I'm doing the Lilliput's job 4 the summ. Boring, I know. I was hoping the rumour abt me doing voice-overz at Los Bros Hernandez animation studio turned out 2 B the true one. ::sigh::

BTW, how on earth doez Mom know abt Lizzie's teaching style? That was kind of a weird comment.

Dad's letter: So Dad thinx Ger an' Dunc R his peers. Uh-oh, Mike, this soundz like a bad, bad sign, like U warned me, abt Dad stealing my friends.

Can U believe how casual Dad is abt the idea of Liz breaking up w/Paul? Soundz like he's totally written off the relationship already. I think this wd cheese me off if I were Liz. Liz, does this cheese U off.

Mike's letter: Hm, so U had this big convo w/Melville Kelpfroth where U found out all abt how Mel and Winnie had been profs. But it didn't help w/yr sitch. Hm, Y didn't U, like, address the probs U R having w/them, like, directly, insteada hoping that beer and listening 2 stories abt war history wd fix everything?

Dee's letter: Robin's still getting sick a lot. What R the chances it'll turn out that cigar smoke is the culprit, eh? Oh, and Andrea's gonna visit. I wonder if she ever thinx abt changing her name back 2 Kaitlyn.

Gramps/Iris: OMG, does NE1 wanna hear abt slutty old peeps an' their denture humour? Not me?

Pets: LOL, I pretended Dixie's smart! That dog'z dumber than Eddie's rear left paw! An' notice Liz tried 2 dump Shiimsa. Not cube!

Apes

Jesse actually listened 2 Liz?

So, Liz tellz me Jesse heard fr. Gary abt her not coming back in Sept. Liz told him, "I'll write. I'll come 2 visit." Liz, U shdn't tell kidz stuff like that if U R not gonna follow thru. And I know U won't! NEway, Jesse walked out of the classroom saying, "I knew U'd leave. Every1 I care abt goes away. My mom, my Dad..... U....." W8, when did his mom an' dad go away? I thot I remembered him living w/them when Liz 1st when up 2 Mtig, and no1 ever sed NEthing abt them going away. But Liz sez she put her hand on his shoulder (and he was suddenly almost adult size!) and sed, "U're a wonderful person! It's not yr fault that ppl have 2 leave Mtigwaki. These thingz just happen." Jesse was all, "No they don't. U told the whole class that there'z a reason 4 everything." OMG, Liz, Y wd U go and tell a classroom fulla little kidz that? Then if their mishomises have freak trapline accidents, they'll think it was supposta happ that way an' have a big ol' complex? Geez, what were U thinking? Well, now U know that when U talk 2 yr students, they hear what U say and remember it, so U hafta B careful, eh? Also, Y R U pretending like U hafta leave Mtig? U cda totally stayed if U'd wanted 2. Can't U @ least B honest abt that?

Paul, I think I can C Y Perry wd associate thoze usernamez fr. the "mocking Baloney and Bannock" site w/Liz. If they R her, they show she really wants 2 B back in S. Ontario and back w/her HS boyfriend Anthony, so I'd B v. v. careful if I were U!!!

Peeps, as U know the monthly letterz from my fam 4 June will most likely go up sumtyme 2day, but I won't get a chance 2 post abt them until sumtyme this evening. Just pls remember the poss of editing an' give me the benny of the doubt in case U C NEthing ridiculously stupid coming fr "me", K? Also, B on the lookout 4 memberz of my fam gratuitously quoting themselvez fr. the letterz, @ length. They get so in luv w/what they wrote that they memorize it and unleash it on peeps @ random, as many of U know!

Apes