April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Feeling Better

Wow, thanx 2 all the peeps who have been checking in 2 make sure I'm OK. I can't believe all the voicemail, text messages, and e-mail I've gotten! I'm feeling much better 2day.

If you'd been following the comments from my Monday post, you know abt the crazee dinner Beckers & I had w/Mary Worth. & how I thought I was eating chicken but it turned out it was HORSEMEAT! OMG! So I gagged & up came the bit I'd eaten, but Mrs. Worth barely noticed what with that Rita chick & her boozing again. NEway, I barely had time 2 think abt what had just happened w/all the commoshe. When I got home, my 'rents weren't back yet fr. having dinner @ a fancy restaurant. I was so tired, I just went rite up 2 bed.

Yesterday morning I woke up fr. the worst nightmarez I think I've ever had, ever ever ever! I don't remember everything, but there was stuff about Mary Worth making me eat a big stew and then saying it was "PATTERSON STEW, MADE FROM REAL PATTERSONS!" Then, there was this other dream where a bunch of horses were trying to eat me alive and saying "YOU'RE IN HELL! YOU'RE IN HELL!" And that's just what I remember, I know I had a bunch more, but mostly it was the kind of thing where I was left with a horrible, horrible feeling. Like I'm all rotted out inside, but worse? It's so hard 2 explain!

As U know, I wuz pretty much in bed the whole day, feeling just sick, sick, sick. Liz took great care of me and she got Shawna-Marie to come over to help. She'd just come back from spending the summer in Bracebridge & was glad 2 get a chance 2 see Liz, even if it was 2 help w/sick me.

Gerald came over in the afternoon and sat with me until around 8:30 last night. Mostly, he sang to me and read to me. I was crying a lot & don't remember half of what I said. I know the nightmares were haunting me & I kept having this horrible feeling of needing 2 get the horses 2 forgive me. Liz talked to Becky early in the evening & Becks came over just a bit later. When she came in2 my room she jumped on my bed & hugged me & started crying & saying she was so, so sorry. I'd just stopped crying 4 a while myself, but I started all ov. again when Becks got started. Gerald just sat there looking uncomfortable w/2 crying girlz.

Liz came in & said she & Becky had planned something special. Liz said she'd learned some healing ritual up in Mtighollaback & she handed out some pages she'd printed out from my computer. We all had special linez 2 recite. There was a bunch of stuff about being 1 w/nature. There were some parts that Becky and Liz wrote themselves. They even mentioned Mrs. Worth by name.

Afterwards, Becks & I talked a long, long time. Liz got Gerald & Shawna-Marie 2 leave the room so we cd talk alone. Becky felt, well, she felt like total shit 4 (in her words) tricking me in2 eating horsemeat. She said she was just so desperate 2 get that gig & Mrs. Worth put her in2 this horrible position. She thought that if I didn't know it was horse it wdn't hurt me, & then we'd get $ & gd recs out of playing @ the party. I was upset that Becky didn't trust me 2 come up w/a plan, like on that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry tricks Elaine's cousin in2 thinking he's eating mutton, when really he's spitting the meat in2 the cloth napkins. 'Cept better than that.

We both cried a lot. A LOT. But after all that, we agreed just 2 h8 Mary Worth 4 causing this horror. Becky called Marjee up & asked if she cd stay @ her apt cuz her mom had been in 1 of her "moods" all day. Cuz she'd been watching some old movie on TV that reminded her of Becky's dad.

After Becky and Shawna-Marie had left, Gerald was still there. He was stroking my hair and making up poems, but whenever Liz left the room, he tried climbing in2 my bed. Liz had some kinda radar tho, cuz as soon as he had 1 leg in my bed, she'd be throwing open my door & saying "Knock it OFF, Gerald Delaney Forsythe!"

Oh, & I just found out about Becky's surprise, using the Mary Worth $ 2 buy horseriding lessons 4 me! OMG, Becks, that is, like, the nicest thing NE1 has ev. done 4 me! Thank U sooooo much! Oh, & thanx 4 the twizzlerz, 2. I had 2 hide them so my mom wdn't find them on her next "inspection".

BTW, when Dad picked me up @ the aiport Sunday, 4 sum reason he had the idea that Mom was already taking Liz back up north. It turns out he was only half listening when they were telling him their plans, cuz he was so preoccupied reading sum new "dentist adventure novel". NEway, my mom & Liz just left this morning. Oh, well, gotta get "psyched down" fr. summer cuz school will start B4 U know it!

Apes out

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Liz Here

Hello, April's readers! This is Liz filling in for April, who refuses to get out of bed. I heard her crying, so I went in to see what was going on. It was sort of hard to piece together what she was saying. Something about horse flesh, bad karma, avenging spirits? Horrible nightmares? Dinner at Mary Worth's place last night? Now, I remember our mom took me to Mrs. Worth's apartment years and years ago, before April was born. I can see how that would give someone nightmares. Meanwhile, I've got to see what I can do for my baby sister. Right now, she's moaning something about "purification ritual under Farley's tree". I guess she's hoping I learned some cool native rituals up in Mtig, though I'm not sure why she's taking an interest now.

By the way, April's been home in Milborough since Sunday, but for some reason, she keeps wanting to talk about her trip home. Apparently, she was really traumatized at the airport. They dumped out her luggage to search for "weapons", and her skivvies were out on the belt for all to see! Then they confiscated some nail scissors. I tried to warn her about those illicit grooming implements. Well, I have to go now. April is dry heaving!


Monday, August 29, 2005

Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them some day

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the animals love me & the farm's a slice o' heaven. Oh, & "wild horses couldn't stop me" from going up there again next summer. & I know, I know. This is not only lame, but literally untrue. Cuz wild horses are stronger than I am, & even having the usual Patterson delusions doesn't keep me fr. knowing that. But the only reason I even had that dumb line in my head was I'd just learned the guitar part to the classic Stones song "Wild Horses" the night before, & I had the song going through my head over & over & over.

But who cares about all that when we've got "garage opera", hungover teenage boyz, Anthony with a broken hip, and other xcitement going on in M-boro. Garage op was a blast last nite, but Becks wants 2 tell U abt it, & she mite already have in the comments (I haven't had a chance to read 'em yet). Stay tuned!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Phunny Pages

Isn't it weird how one moment my mom will be attending Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead's big anniversary party, and in another moment, my dad will be sitting around, reading the funnies, and talking about how much he loves reading Blondie? & he feels as thought he knows "these people"? It's enough 2 make your head explode. Next thing you know, you'll read a Blondie strip where the Bumsteads are reading a strip about us, and they just adore it, except they hate how those blasted Pattersons always seem to be laughing with their tongues hanging out, or making hideous puns. If my dad had his way, the funnies would totally be replaced by the punnies. Well, some days, I guess they pretty much are, NEway.

Well, you know, it must be pretty weird having a strip based on yr life. Blondie told my mom it can be pretty stressful.

Gotta fly, peeps, cuz I have 2 do some back-2-school shopping. Since we have 2 wear uniforms this year, Becks & I wanna buy some hott accessories 2 help us stand out

Cya, Apes

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Grandpa Will Likes Fart Jokes

A horse whispers from both ends? Mmkay. Hey, I like a good fart joke as much as the next person, and they beat the bad puns NE day, but Grandpa Will, it has to make sense! You shoulda heard Laura groan when he said this. So, Unk Danny & Laura are saying I've got this way-special gift w/animals, like The Horse Whisperer, 'cept I'm not all old & wrinkly like Robert Redford. Well, this is all nice 2 hear, U know? But keep in mind that Aunt Bev is a veterinarian, and she knows that on my official bio, I say I might want to study veterinary medicine @ uni 1 of these days. So they're all in2 encouraging that. But the thing is, when Mom made me fill in that questionnaire, I was kinda like, "Oh, I dunno", & I looked over @ the pets & thought, "Well, I like animals, so I might as well write that". Of course, the 1st thing I have listed in that "aspirations" section is to be in a successful band someday. So also they might B trying 2 steer me away fr. that. Who knows?

Well, I haven't even had a time to catch up with the comments for my last post, so I'm gonna do that after I publish this 1. I'll B xtra careful not 2 smudge the monitor in NE way, else Laura will accuse me of kissing the screen again.

Apes out

Friday, August 26, 2005


OK, I may only B 14, but I know "prairie" doesn't come from "prayer", it comes from the Old French praierie, via Vulgar Latin prataria, by way of the Latin prata, meadow. Duh! But sometimes I ask these stupid questions just 2 see what ppl will say. Laura thinks she's so smart, but I swear, a couple of days ago, she swore that the urban legend about For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge is true, and Becky & I have known the truth abt that one since we looked up our fave bad words in the O.E.D. back in grade 4.

I'm not trying 2 say that the scenery wasn't all gorg. & everything, cuz it totally was. But I'd already done the "Oh, my God, this is so beautiful" thing the last 10-12 x we went riding. It's very pretty, peeps, but that gets 2 B a dull convo, U know?

NEway, Ger & I had a long, long talk on the phone. He was crying & asked me not 2 kiss Steve again. I said I wdn't. For one thing, I only did it cuz I felt like Ger almost pushed me 2. Besides, Steve lives all the way out here in Winni, & I do need 2 get on w/my M-boro life soon. I do miss my bf, peeps, even if he does overdo the "smooth" thing.

Apes, not in Winni much longer!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Guitar Girl

That's me, Guitar Girl! I must say, after Steve & I jammed on guitars @ his house, I was really in2 playing again. Aunt Bev has this theory that if a teenager is enthusiastic abt something that is harmless & legal that adults shd encourage it. So she ran out & had their old guitar restrung. So I've played a lot this summer & it's been fun. I don't think I'm super-good or NEthing, tho I play OK. Laura sez lots of ppl come over just 2 hear me play, but I couldn't help noticing that a lot of the time, when they stop by 4 my music, they also happen 2 have a big helping of pie or mashed potatoes, or borrow something from Unk Danny, so who knows their real reasons, right? So, NEway, I was talking 2 Laura abt how there's not much pt in it all if I'm nev gonna be a professional musician, and then she got this big lectury voice. Just a second b4 that she was talking 2 me like an equal. Sheesh. Whatevs, U know?

NEway, one of Steve's guitars is electric. When I hold it up, I look a little bit like this: (I don't alwayz wear that silly ponytail. Esp. around Steve!)


Wednesday, August 24, 2005

NOT Kissing My E-Mail!

4 the record, peeps I have NOT been kissing Aunt Bev & Unk Danny's computer screen when I read Gerald's e-mails. I haven't done NEthing that lame since grade 6 when Gerald first kissed me. But I admit I have missed him. At least I do while I'm reading the e-mail I've gotten from him every day that I've been here. Tho seeing Steve around has helped me take my mind off all that the rest of the time. And since I thought it was OK with Ger b/c of his comment 2 my last post, I let Steve kiss me 2day. Whoo, boy knows how 2 kiss. Sorry, Ger, I didn't see your follow-up comment until after.

So, b4 I fill U in about the Patterson grandparents, I just wanted 2 mention something else about the whole "Patterson is a 2nd-rate Richards" theory. If you wanted to find out something about Will and Carrie Patterson, parents of John Patterson, wouldn't you expect 2 B able to look them up at a website called "Meet the Pattersons"? Instead of having them show up in some general "Who's Who" site that features non-Pattersons like Candace and Weed? And Kortney? And wouldn't you be surprised 2 find that the "Patterson" page has Jim and Iris Richards? But U wouldn't be so surprised by all that if you just kept in your head that a Patterson is nothing but a 2nd-rate Richards. Then it all makes perfect sense!

NE way, I got 2 spend a bunch of time w/the Patterson grandparents, and, yeah, it was kinda weird. First there's Grandpa Will's rock collecting. Now I can sort of understand Dad's choo-choo crazees a bit better. U C, G'pa Will doesn't just collect rocks. He takes them home, names them, paints faces on them, and then gets G'ma Carrie 2 make little "rock" outfits. Or, if an unsuspect g'daughter happens 2 B in town? Yeah, U guessed it. Outfit duty. Oh, & he kept asking me if I love him better than I love Grampa Jim. The heck?

Then there's G'ma Carrie. Apparently, about 20 years ago, Grandma Marian, who died six years ago, dissed her at some bakery. Carrie was buying a special cake for a celebration, and Marian got all up her butt about how Pattersons have no taste in anything, least of all cakes, and she should leave the bakery selections to a sensible Richards (= Grandma Marian). Then, they got in2 some ugly argument like "your son's not good enough for my daughter", and "wait, no, your daughter's not good enough for my son" & so on. God, I just wanted to disappear when she was going on & on about all this. Memo: this was 20 yrs ago. Marian's dead.

By the way, Liz & I were talking on the phone last night, and she told me that she & Shiimsa were looking through some old photo albums. There were some pics of Liz when she first got her ears pierced. Liz had forgotten all about it, but now she remembers that she'd been so excited about the piercings, but Mom and Dad both managed to make her feel bad in their own way. Good times, right Liz?

NEway, I'll B home pretty soon!

Apes out

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Homesick/Sick of Home

Oh, God! I just did one of those Patterson things where you take a normal expression & turn in upside down or inside out. Talking to Laura, I'm, like, yeah, I'm surprised I was homesick cuz I'd been sick of home. Ew, I didn't even realize I was doing one of those lame not-punchliney things until it was halfway out my mouth! What's wrong with me?

So, yeah, I've enjoyed driving the tractor (race with Steve!) and the fair (Steve won me a teddy bear!), but btw U all & me, spending time with the other grandparents was a bit weird. I'll tell U about them more l8r, Steve & I are gonna go see a movie!

Homesick* Apes out

*For my friends & Liz & the pets, but not so much for Mom. For Dad a bit & Gramps 2.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Farm Life

Sometimes when I look at my cousin Laura really fast, I think she's Liz. Laura's got some curl to her hair, but it's not that noticeable when she pulls it in2 a ponytail. NEway, she told me I've turned out 2 B a real "farm girl", which cd sound like an insult depending on how U say it, but the way she said it was meant 2 B nice. I am having fun here this summer, but the horses & other animals R just a small part of it. A BIG part of it is hanging out over @ Steve's farm. Besides learning 2 make cheese & yoghurt, I've had a chance 2 play some cube vid games & watch season 5 of The Trailer Park Boys. My mom never lets me watch that show cuz she said those characters set a bad example. Like I'm gonna imitate them just cuz they're on my TV screen. I just saw the one where Ricky eats all his dad's ravioli & blames it on Julian, so Ricky's dad beats on him & poor Julian doesn't know what's going on till Ricky admits his lie. I love that show!

BTW, I'm sorry this post is late, but I wanted to make a nice avatar for Becky, who's feeling bad about her family sitch, and I couldn't get the hair right. They just don't have her 'do, so I made two images. One kind of looks like her hair when she blowdries it straight, and the other is a style she was kinda thinking about getting, but wasn't 2 sure. Also, these pics don't exactly look like Becks, but I tried 2 make it as close as I could. Keep in mind that Becks is way prettier than these:

That's all 4 now!


Sunday, August 21, 2005

Gramps IM'ed

Back in her June letter, Liz mentioned she'd taught Gramps 2 use IM. She wasn't 2 sure if he'd figured out her instructions, but I guess he did, cuz he just IM'ed me. U C, someone (Duncan?) tipped him off that I'd been thinkin' about getting a mohawk. So here I was all bracing myself 4 a lecture abt how I shdn't. But guess what?
GrampsWarHeroJim: DO IT!!!!
ApeFool91: ???
GrampsWarHeroJim: Aw, c'mon, it would be so funny to see my daughter have a cow over your hair! Too funny!
ApeFool91: But I wd B so grounded. & Liz reminded me abt how bad "grounded" chores R. Remember that 1 time?
GrampsWarHeroJim: Oh, right.
ApeFool91: But I'll prolly get a mohawk wig & trick her in2 thinking I got buzzed.
GrampsWarHeroJim: LOL. Pls call me 1st so I can come over. So much more fun than the Annual Scenic Gardens and Landscaping Tour.
ApeFool91: ???
GrampsWarHeroJim: Iris's idea. "Oh, Jim, it'll be fun!" It wasn't. But it put me to sleep and I guess I can always use a good nap. Speaking of which, I'm late for my next nap. Bye, dear.
ApeFool91: Bye, Gramps!
NEway, that's what Gramps is up 2, I guess. In other news, my mom traveled to Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead's house for some big anniversary party. Which is weird, cuz I don't remember her ever mentioning being friends with them.

Peace out, Apes

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Should I Get a Mohawk?

You might remember that back in April I was thinking about getting a haircut. Obviously, I haven't & I'm pretty bored w/the 'do I've had all these years. Well, it's better than that bowl cut mom used to make me wear, but still. NEway, I was joking around w/Steve about how my mom wd totally freak out if I got a MOHAWK! So we used that Portrait Illustration Maker site 2 make this pic of how I mite look w/a mohawk:

So what do U think, peeps? Shd I do it? U know Mom wd pee her pants, & I cd prolly sell tix 2 ppl who'd pay to see that!

I'm not sure what Liz is up 2 right now, but I hope she's filed that report w/the police like Lawrence said she shd. Y'know, instead of doing something like sitting around & talking 2 her cat. But what R the chances she's doing that?

Apes out

Friday, August 19, 2005

Liz Says

Hey, peeps, Liz asked me to post this:
My head was spinning this evening. I could hardly tell up from down. Lawrence had called to tell me he'd fired Howard and to remind me to file charges. File charges! With all this Anthony stuff, I almost forgot that I have to get the police involved. When Mom asked me what was going on, I thought we'd have a mother-daughter heart-to-heart. But instead, she kept looking over her shoulder while I was talking. And when I was done, she skulked away and flopped into the easy chair. So I came up here to "talk" to all of you. I can hear Dad downstairs asking Mom if anything happened today. Why am I feeling she's making this all about her?
Poor Liz. I'll bet she wishes she'd stayed up in Mtighoohoohaha. Steve's mom gave me some pamphlets to pass on to Liz, about getting some counseling to deal with all this stuff she's going through. I guess we're lucky we know some ppl in this world other than our mom.

Apes out

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Anthony's Freaking Her OUT!

I'm writing this post on Steve's computer cuz I was over here at his house when I got this text message from Liz:
a. is freaking me OUT, apes! sits me under a tree & tells me his marriage isn't gonna work & he wants me to wait for him. grabbed my shoulders & shook me when he said that. & scary speed-freak eyes. gotta run! l.
Just when Liz thought she had one psycho 2 deal w/ (Howard) now she's got Anthony getting freaky with her. Pls watch out for my sis, peeps, I'm scared for her!

Steve's 'rents R pretty cool. His mom teaches in the biopsychology department at the University of Winnipeg, and his dad owns a diner called Eats. Steve has a couple of guitars, so we might jam later. But first, he's gonna show me how to make cheese and yoghurt! (He's got video games too. Yay!)

Apes out

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Being Neighbourly

So, I'm standing there talking to cute neighbour Steve when my cousin Laura comes along and says "little Stevie Kirschbrauser! I can't believe what a big boy you are now! You've grown so much since last summer! Oh, April, you should have seen this boy when he was little, what a pisser!" And on and on. Just when we were getting a bit of a flirt going. Then a text message came in on my phone, so I took a peek and it was from Beckers. She saw Liz sitting in Anthony's car. They were stopped at the light and she thought they looked like they had some intense conversation going on, Liz waving her arms around while Anthony cried. I wonder what Liz is gonna have 2 say next time she checks in here.

I'm gonna try again for a look at Steve's farm, now that Laura's busy doing something else. Gotta go!


Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Neighbour Steve

The horse was eating hay & I was thinking about when kids say "hey" and parents say "hey (hay) is for horses". I hate that, don't you? But NEway, this really cute boy rode up on a horse. He's the one I thought might have been a mirage. Yay, he's real! He lives on a neighbouring farm & he's allowed to cross through this farm 2 get 2 his. Steve is 15 and starting grade 10 this fall. He told me my cousin Laura used to babysit him when he was little. I'll have to ask her for some stories.

I don't have new news from Liz, but I'm hoping she'll leave a comment 2 let us know if something else has happened. Like maybe calling the cops & telling Lawrence about the stalking and assaulting. Well, I'm off 2 C Steve's farm!


Monday, August 15, 2005

Don't Laugh, Arrest!

Latest text from Liz: "Howard speeds off. We have a big laugh b/c everyone here wanted to punch Howard." Sounds like good times, sis, but Howard is speeding off! What do U all think he's gonna do next, leave the country & change his ways? Some1 pls call the cops already!

I heard that Mike is obsessed with chess these days, but not very good at it. Not only did he get Duncan 2 play over & over again, but he's been stopping strangers & challenging them to a match. Weird.

Well, Aunt Bev is yelling, "Don't tell me you're glued to that blasted computer again", so I gotta run!


Sunday, August 14, 2005

Nudist Merrie

I heard that Dee & her mom took the kiddles 2 Lake Heron & Merrie took off all her fancy new clothes cuz her Grandma Mira told her not 2 get them dirty. What a st00pid thing 2 say. Dee got all freaked out about Merrie "streaking". But what's the big about a naked almost-3yo NEway? At the beach? When Dee got home, she told Mike they'd better keep a close eye on her cuz this cd B a sign she has "loose morals". Or, y'know, it cd B a sign she's NOT EVEN 3 YET! So whatev.

Some of Liz's friends have started wearing a special t-shirt, but I'm not sure if it's gonna help:

Apes out

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Good in Everyone?

Gerald rode his bike out the the garden centre to peek in & make sure Liz is still OK, cuz he knows I'm still nervous. After all, no one has called the cops on Howard. Who knows what he might me doing? Just cuz Anthony made him apologize doesn't mean he stops being a psycho, right?

So he doesn't wanna intrude, but Ger hears Liz telling Anthony that though Howard's been "bugging" her, she never thought he'd hurt her. Cuz she wants 2 believe there's something good in every1. Am I the only 1 who thinks Liz is channeling Mom (again)? Remember when Kortney was threatening me @ Mom's store & Mom didn't wanna believe it? Then Ger sees Anthony givin' Liz a big ol' hug & saying "That's because there's so much good in you." Then Gerald rode off cuz he was afraid A wd do her right there on the floor.

I dunno, Liz. I'm glad Anthony got the creepy guy off of U. But Howard's still dangerous and now U've got this married guy squeezing U out in pub.

Well, I've gotta go cuz it's time 2 milk the cow. Moooooo!

Apes out

Friday, August 12, 2005


Quick text message from Liz just came in:
anthony = hero
liz = damsel in distress
I can't imagine Thérèse is going 2 B happy that A. went to the garden centre, let alone rescued Liz. There's sure 2 B lotsa dram from this, ppl! NEway I'm just relieved that Liz is OK. It's scary 2 think that creeps like Howard can B at yr job where U R just minding yr own biz.

BTW, I'm posting this from my phone cuz the auntie & unk said I needed 2 get away from the 'puter & have me a nice long walk. But don't worry, I'll B back online l8r 2 check comments!

Hiking Apes out

Thursday, August 11, 2005


I keep refreshing my comments to see if NE1 knows something about what's going on w/Liz. I'm so nervous 4 her! It's hard being away like this, so I'm glad I've got peeps keeping me updated. Liz, R U OK? Beckers? Dunc? Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny think I'm a total internet addict cuz everytime they turn around I'm back here.

Ugh, wd U believe I got an e-mail from Jeremy Jones? He said it's my fault Becky left the band cuz I'm so lame-o. This was totally out of nowhere, U know? Weird.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Haven't Heard

Last night right B4 bed, I got a short message from Liz saying she doesn't expect 2 have more trub from Howard since he knows our dad saw him watching in the car. I hope she's right, but I have a bad feeling. If NE peeps back home can check in w/Liz & let me know what's going on, I'd be so gr8ful!

I didn't do very well playing bridge last night, cuz I cdn't stop thinking about Liz. Uncle Danny said if I get 2 B gd @ playing cards, I can earn some $ that way. Then Aunt Bev smacked his hand lightly & said he shdn't encourage me 2 gamble. This morning when I went out to feed the animals, I thought I saw a cute boy passing by. But maybe that was a mirage, like when U R on a desert & your thirst makes U think U see an oasis.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

What's going on?

Wow, I'm not sure what's going on, cuz I haven't been able 2 talk 2 Liz since she hung up on me B4. Becky & Dunc did some spy work & Dunc saw Howard doing some, well, "ew" in the car while looking @ a pic of Liz. Then he tore off when he saw Dad gettin' close. After I read Becky's comments to my last post, I got on IM & she also told me she saw Dad writing down the licence plate #. I hope he gets the cops involved. Mom's warped our heads so much, I'm afraid Liz prolly wants 2 wait until something even worse happens.

Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny R telling me a good game of bridge oughta help take my mind off my worries. But it's gonna B hard 2 concentrate!

Apes out

Monday, August 08, 2005

Beyond Creepy

I tried calling home just now, cuz I'm homesick already & worried about Liz 2. She said, "Can't talk right now, Dad just went out to have a talk with Howard, if that's him watching me from the car that looks exactly like his!" And click, she hung up. This is so scary! I'm gonna e-mail Liz right after I post this 2 C if they're OK down there.

Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny are gonna teach me some card games tonight, but it'll be hard thinking about that when I'm thinking about that other stuff. Well, gotta fly.


Sunday, August 07, 2005

Liz needed to get away

Liz is already itchy 2 get away from our 'rents, so she & Candace & a bunch of other friends went away 2 hang & party in a lakeside cottage. Liz says Mom acted all shocked when Liz picked up a case of beer for the party. "You shouldn't drink, young lady!" Liz: "But you drink!" Mom: "This isn't about me. It's about you!" So Dad, while secretly winking @ Liz, "confiscated" the beer, only 2 stash it back in2 the trunk for her. Dad can B all kinds of dweeby, but he's cooler than Mom. After having way too much to eat & drink, Liz had a major hangover, but she says it was sooooo worth it!

I'm still not sure why Aunt Bev looked so shocked when I asked if they have video games. But since they've got high-speed internet, I was able 2 find some games online, so it's all good, my friendz. Don't worry, I'm also gonna learn 2 ride a horse & stuff, but sometimes a girl needs 2 unwind & be indoors.



Saturday, August 06, 2005

Simple Life

If only Becky were here, we could be like Paris and Nicole in The Simple Life! Only I guess I'd have 2 B Nicole, & then we'd have a big falling out, then I'd lose too much weight & start hanging out with Lindsay Lohan. So mayB that wdn't be such a great plan, but I do miss Beckers. I can't believe how shocked Aunt Bev looked when I asked if she had NE video gamez. What, she's nev heard of them B4? I hope my cousin Laura will B fun to hang with. I dunno, though. She's a teacher @ the local college & she teaches agriculture. I hope she can talk about other things 2!

Liz sent me an e-mail saying she still has a creepy feeling about that Howard guy at work. I hope that doesn't come 2 NEthing, but I said mayB she'd better tell Mom & Dad what's going on, even tho that cd mean bad puns & other annoying stuff.

Apes out

Friday, August 05, 2005

Difference Between Uncle Danny and Dad

When I asked Uncle Danny about the farm being a hobby farm now, he gave me a straight answer! Even though we were walking by a horse. I know, a normal person wouldn't be shocked, but if this had been my Dad, U just know he woulda made a lame pun about hobbyhorses. Y'know, I'm kinda surprised that Uncle D says "an'" just like us kids. I didn't think any1 near my Mom & Dad's age did that.

Oh, I asked Aunt Bev how Dad became such a train freak. She totally rolled her eyes & said, "Oh, God, is he still into that?" She told me that when they were kids, Dad had a big train theme for one of his birthday parties. Grandma Carrie dressed him up as a train engineer, his cake had little toy trains on it, and he got a big train set as a prezzie. Also, Grandpa Bill made a big fuss about him that day, callin' him "my little engineer". Aunt Bev was laughing & saying she figured he'd have gotten over it by now. Also she said it could be worse, since Grandpa Bill's big hobby is collecting rocks.

I'll see what else I can find out for U all.

Apes out

Thursday, August 04, 2005


So, I've landed in Winnipeg and Aunt Bev & Uncle Danny have picked me up. Uncle Danny said "Next stop, Teenage Angst Farm for Wayward Pattersons". Aunt Bev gave him a "shut up" look, but she also couldn't help laughing. So they've got a guitar but it prolly has some animal living in it? Well, who cd resist that?

Weird, last month, I was all about havin' my guitar w/me so I cd practice & not get soft fingers. Now I don't wanna look @ a guitar. U know, Dad gave me this whole speech about how Becky's ambition might make her successful but she'd prolly B unhappy? But I hafta say that's BS. Do U really think Madonna doesn't have NE friends? & Becky loves music & singing so much, she practices her piano & vocals every chance she gets. She sez she does it cuz she has 2, like breathing or going 2 the bathroom. But w/me, I get upset w/the band being broken up, & now I feel I'm over the whole guitar thing? I hafta admit, I'm a bit jealous that Becks cd love something so much.

Well enuf bummy stuff. I'm @ the farm & I'd better make the most of it. I'm gonna try 2 get Aunt Bev 2 give me some dirt on Dad. NEthing U all want me to ask her?

Oh, BTW, on the plane, the woman next to me laughed @ my "unaccompanied minor" tag & asked me if I wasn't a bit old for that. I told her I'm 14, & she said the only reason I'd have the UM instead of "young person traveling unaccompanied" is if my 'rents called the airline & requested it special. "So, your folks don't trust you on a short flight, huh?" Well, thanks, Mom!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Liz Said She'd Try

Well, in the time since grad, Gerald & I have spent a buncha time tog. Mom's got this weird back & forth thing where she's all "don't be too serious" one second and then the next she's all "oh, this is an innocent crush". It's annoying, I don't even need 2 tell U. NEway, Liz told me she'd try talking to Ma about this on the way back from the airport, mayB @ least get her to remember a bit what it's like to be 14. Liz told me, "I just hope she doesn't get all TMI with me". & I said, "Liz, U R braver than I am!"

Oh, I forgot to say about the letters from my fam--don't U wish U didn't know that Iris reads porn smut erotica "bodice rippers"? I'm guessing Mom won't ask her to set up a shelf with "Iris's Interests" at the store.

Apes out

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

August Letters!

So, I'm killing time at the airport by surfing the net @ the internet café, & I notice that Mom's posted our fam's August letters. Well, that's not exactly true--my Mom actually gets a web designer named Stephanie to help her with stuff like that. See, Mom's almost proud of being a technophobe, in some weird way. NEway, one time Mom asked Stephanie to install some spyware on our home 'puter 2 make sure I wasn't doing NEthing I'm not supposta. Steph told her I'm probably just doing harmless stuff like downloading avatars. Yay, Steph! BTW, when Mom's not around Steph does a hilarious impression of her.

Well, about the letters. . . .

I'll start with mine. I wanna explain this:
Duncan and Gerald are mad at Becky too, but mostly because she said we weren't good enough. I give up...it's so much work to keep a band together. Even the Beatles had problems, so what do we think we're trying to do? I just wanted it to be a fun challenge, and it was for two years. We had a rule - no egos! And Becky broke it, big time.
You see, Mom edited out the end of this paragraph, where I'd written, "But who am I kidding? We all broke the ego rule!" I don't know why my 'rents wanna make the whole Becky thing worse than it was. The amazing thing is I threw in the part about Gerald's soft kissing just to see what Mom would do about it. And she didn't do a thing. Weird that she'd leave that bit in and not the ego thing. NEway, Ger kisses OK & everything, but 4 all I know the muscly farmboys do it better.

Speaking of making the Becky thing worse, my Dad had to go and write this:
It's unfortunate that Becky is choosing to off with stars in her eyes and will be missing the most important part of life: friendship.

So, you can only wish her luck, knowing that if she does make it, she will likely not have a happy life. Sometimes it's a blessing to not be too good or too driven to succeed in something that you love, because such ambition takes all the fun out of it. Being a professional musician is a difficult life. Having a normal life, surrounded by friends and family and enjoying music as a hobby or as a passion is a lot more fun. That's an opinion from someone who gave up piano after the fourth lesson. I told April to let the hurt go. That Becky is young and selfish and will need her friends more than ever. Once you "go public", it's hard to tell who likes you for yourself or for what you can do. I said to leave the door open and wait for Becky to come back. She will!
So don't aspire for greatness, just be ho-hum, right Dad? U know, folks, my Dad once had a friend named Ben Horanium who became a famous model-train designer. Well, famous to ppl who are into the whole choo-choo thing. Every once in a while, my Dad sees him @ one of those train-guy gatherings, and afterwards, he mopes for about a month. He's a little bitter and more than a bit jealous, but when he comes out of his bad mood, he always says, "Actually, I feel sorry for Ben. He doesn't have this nice, normal life that I do, with family and friends and. . . ." Then he trails off and drinks some whiskey.

Mom would rather send me away than deal with me this summer, Liz was being pretty cool, Dee is back at work, Mike is hiding from his fam, and Gramps and Iris are still alive. Ooh, and Liz got stuck doing the pet letter this month! Ha! Oh, and you know that bit about Liz and Ma having all those great talks when they're out walking the dogs? Mom totally added that in. What Liz really wrote was that Mom insists on coming with her to walk the dogs, but then spends the whole time complaining. I guess she didn't like that version. And by the way, Mike is supposta be a big-shot editor, but he wrote this: "I take in an average of one big manuscript ever two months from a publisher I met, once again, through Josef Weeder." (I added that bold part.) So Michael "Editor" Patterson needs an editor! LOLOL!

Chill, Mom!

My mom. Sooooo embarrassing. "Don't chew with your mouth open!" Yell a little louder across the crowded airport, Ma, & while U R at it, remind me how 2 wipe properly. Must say I [heart] Liz today 4 telling her off a bit w/the way she was talking to me. B4 we left for the airport, Liz warned me that Mom wd probably do something like this. One time, when Liz was a bit younger'n me, she went away 4 a weekend trip, & right B4 Liz got on the bus, Mom yelled, "Did you pack your sanitary napkins?!?!" Liz wd have been so happy 2 have the earth swallow her up just then. Why do 'rents love 2 embarrass their kids?!?!?

Monday, August 01, 2005

Unaccompanied Minor

Omigah, this is soooooo embarrassing! I hafta wear this "unaccompanied minor" thing on my plane trip to Winnipeg so every1 knows I'm a kid flying alone. So much for my plan to pass myself off as a 19yo on this trip. And Becky made me such a kickass fake ID so I could have some booze. Well, Diet Coke it is. Sigh.

At least I got a chance 2 mess with Mom a bit. U C, I want her 2 think I'm so busy missing Ger & moping, it'll never cross her mind I'm putting on my cute new clothes & meeting those muscly farmboys. Here's what I'm wearing under that "Lil Miss Unaccompanied Minor" outfit:
U like?

BTW, my Mom's forehead seems 2 be shrinking, just like Liz's sometimes does. I guess I'd better not grow out these bangs!

Updates 2 follow. . . .

Apes out