Square hit me w/a rectangle
I'm finally up 2 the part where Dad and I got home after the telethon. As he was pulling the 'vASSe in2 the garage, he was all, "We're home! --Well... it's the NEW home." Which is kinda weird, y'know, st8ing the obvs, as if 4 the benefit of inattentive ppl listening in on our convo. And I was like, "That's OK. I'm starting 2 accept it." Then I figged I'd go 4 broke and show I'd assimil8ed all those "U're spoiled and U don't know how gd U've got it" talks ppl have shoved @ me, by being all "B-sides, compared 2 sum kids, I've got it pretty gd. I have a roof over my head, a bed 2 sleep in and 2 squares every day." Dad turned on my bedroom lite and I went in2 my room carrying my guitar as Dad sed,"That 3 squares: breakfast, lunch and dinner!" I sed, "Nope... I mean 2 squares!" I put my guitar down on my bed and jabbed a finger in2 Dad's chest 2 show him that in outd8ed 1960s parlance, HE was one of the 2 "squares." His response was 2 grab one of my (rectangular) pillows and WHUMP me on the hed w/it, so hard that my hair clasp went flying out of my propellor bun, his glasses went flying up off of his face, there was a star pattern over my hed, and motion lines in the air. Well, sum of U don't know how gd U have it! U have normal dads who don't WHUMP them really hard with a pillow 4 making a mild joke @ their xxpense. And 4 those of U who have it so gd as that, I have one question. Do U have room 4 one 16yo girl who plays the guitar, likes granola cereal with milk in the morning, and doesn't take up v. much space?
Apes
Apes
Labels: Dad, stoopidity, TTH
posted by April Patterson @ 6:41 AM
16 Comments:
At 10:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. My Pater has those soft bats he sometimes uses for couples’ therapy, where the couples get to hit each other in a “safe” way to vent their frustrations. He says it is far better than the normal “frying pan” method many Milborough couples use. Perhaps your Pater is trying to vent his frustrations with you for besting him with your clever joke on squares.
My Mater says that there are many men who resort to violence when they cannot match their wife or girlfriend in verbal wordplay. Actually, Mater says that it is all men. Certainly my Jeremy flower cannot match me. That is not his strength. Fortunately my Jeremy flower is a little pussycat, or should I say he is a hepcat, in keeping with your “squares” humour. However, my old boyfriend, Bronson van Daam, could best me every time with his wit (and also his good looks). So Mater is not quite right about all men.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 10:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Why are you still writing as though you are in Milborough, when you are in Winnipeg? I have gotten epistles from you already, so I know you are there with cousin Laura. Why did Laura change her name to Lauren, as you wrote in the Pets monthly letter? Has she changed her name for religious reasons? Is she perhaps, more masculine-looking than she was before, so she feels the need for a name change?
I loved your letter that described in detail how to neuter male animals. I also enjoyed your letter describing your itchy feet, with the redness and pustules and how you had to get them drained.
Also, just to let you know, my name is Michael and not Oliver, and you confused me when you signed your name as Melody. The only way I knew the letters were yours for sure was the Winnipeg postmark. I hope your letters in the future are less confusing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:39 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky is at 1748 in the Gems video game. I tried to distract her by hitting her over the head with a pillow several times, but it didn’t work. The Newlyfoobs reality TV show people have called it quits, particularly when Becky missed her wedding dress fitting.
By the way, if you are looking for a place to stay, you can stay here. I could use someone to talk to. Becky doesn’t really talk anymore, and if it weren’t for her finger movement, I would have to check her for life. I am thinking that I may need to start feeding her intravenously.
Howard Bunt
At 10:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i h8 it sumtymes when i hafta change the way i speak so the olds can unnerstand me. i guess thass prolly the reason u were sayin’ squares 2 ur dad. i know when i talk 2 old peeps in mboro, sumtymes i hafta say things like, “oh, horsefeathers” or “oh, applesauce” insteada “wtf”, so they know wen i am mad. i guess thass 1 of the thingz u hafta face, b-ing the youngest in ur fam, & ur mom havin’ u wen she wuz 40. my mom wuz a lot youngah wen she had me, so the worst i hafta do w/her is sumtymez say things are groovy.
At 10:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You can live with me until you go to Winnipeg. Compared to some kids, I’ve got it pretty good. I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and a dad who doesn’t hit me with a pillow in my bedroom. My bedroom is completely safe. You can come live with me, and maybe you can write your Blog from here and finish writing about the telethon.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 4:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael Patterson, I am your neighbour from exactly one block west on Sharon Park Drive. Kindly return to me the letters you received from my little sister Melody.
Oliver Unterjohnston
At 4:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
honoria, u mite b rite. my dad usually vents his frustrations by playing with his model trains, but even he finds 4:30 AM an inconvenient time 2 do that.
mike, the witch has a niece named lauren, who also lives in winnipeg. steph, who helps out both mom and the witch w/their web projects, made an error when she edited and published all our letters. she tells me that lauren contacted her 2 correct this error. if u check again, u will c the change has been made.
howard, i will b leaving 4 winni v. soon, but i'll come over w/my overnite bag 2 get away from my scary 'rents 4 a lil while. thanx.
jeremy, that's xxactly it. "square" is the kind of slang my dad understands, and he doesn't even get that it's outta d8.
thanx, shannon, but i have already taken up howard on his offer.
oliver, my bro is such a nincompoop. is melody the girl who is staying with beth, don, and lauren?
apes
At 4:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, yes! She's planning to become a vet someday.
Oliver Unterjohnston
At 5:46 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have the guest bed all ready for you and I have even made your favourite dinner. Becky won’t be much company, unless of course you enjoy watching her play the Gems video game. Don’t mind her hair when you walk in. I have enjoyed practicing different braiding techniques on Becky to see if it will snap her out of playing Gems. So far it hasn’t.
Howard Bunt
At 5:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. A weird little man came by asking for your letters. I expect you may want them when you get back from Winnipeg to write your autobiography of your formative veterinarian years. Fortunately for me there are many spaces in this house to crawl into and hide.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
auntie april. mama find attic guy in crawl space, take letters and give them back to the man. the letters are from his sister. attic guy silly.
merrie
At 6:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, oliver, i'm sorry my bro tried 2 keep thoze letters away from u. i will talk 2 the letter carrier and ask him 2 b more careful abt delivering letters from melody unterjohnston 2 yr house and not mike's. this is a brand new letter carrier and i hear this is not the only error he has made in misdelivering mail.
howard, i've just finished packing my bag and i'm on my way. when i told mom an' dad where i was going and when i'd b back, mom sed, "oh, r u still here?" and dad sed, "write if u get work."
apes
At 7:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Now that my kids are living in a place where you can play hide and seek for real, they are getting really good at it. I am going to have to start hiding better. They found me right away with your letters, and I had to give them up.
I suppose I better get down out of the hiding place for the dinner I made tonight. It’s a casserole and it smells really good. We need something tasty to get rid of the taste of those rancid fish we had at our fish fry with Gordon and Tracey the other night. We learned the hard way you don’t ferry the fish in the cooler you caught the fish in without doing something to the fish so they don’t go bad before you cook them. I remember when I was little and I went fishing with Grandpa Jim, he tried to tell me something about it, but I was always too distracted by his cursing and smoking to pay any attention.
It’s too bad you’re in Winnipeg, or we would invite you over for the casserole. Mom left us her refrigerator and I found a whole bunch of casseroles in the freezer. They’re great. I can do my writing, and just put a casserole in the oven, and that’s all I have to do to make a superb dinner. Of course, Deanna had to remind me to turn the oven on the first time I tried it. Since then, it has worked out very well. Deanna was nervous about the ingredients having gone bad for some of those casseroles, but mom assured her that the food was still good. Mom doesn’t eat anything that’s not loaded with preservatives, as you know.
Give my love and kisses to cousin Laura, and also Auntie Bev and Uncle Danny.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u idiot, don't u ever listen? i'm not in winnipeg yet, and those letters are not mine. i'm not using any aliases, so if u receive mail from melody unterjohnston, addressed 2 oliver unterjohnston, they r NOT from me. and they r also NOT 4 u. DUH!
apes
At 10:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Michael, it's true. April is not here at the farm yet. We expect her to arrive a few days from now. I've met Melody Unterjohnston, who is staying with our neighbours, Beth, Don, and Lauren. They have the same last name as my folks and I, and they look quite a bit like us. It's freaky.
Melody is 18 years old and blonde. She is definitely a different person than April.
Laura Cruikshank
At 10:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. You are very clever to get cousin Laura to cover for you. I called mom and dad to confirm your location and dad said you were definitely not there. The proof is that after you left, mom descended into your cast-iron clawfoot bathtub and says she may not come back out again until you return.
You and Laura don’t have to worry about me. Michael Patterson can definitely keep a secret. I remember cousin Laura and I used to cover for each other all the time during the summer I was out there. If anyone asks, I will tell them you are definitely not in Winnipeg.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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