April's Real Blog

Monday, July 30, 2007

After the telethon, I punned lamely

Dad drove over 2 the mall when I called him @ 4 AM. I was like, "Thanx 4 coming 2 pick us up, 'Pop'! The telethon's still going, but we're wasted!" Luckily he didn't pick on my poor choice of words and ask what we were wasted on. Dad was like, "No problem! ...I'm always awake @ 4 AM. We watched yr duet on television, and yr mom called in a pledge of 50 buxx!" I turned an looked over my shoulder @ Eva, saying, "We made sum money, Eva!" She just looked kinda resentful abt having 2 sit all alone in the back. I wanted 2 sit in the back w/her, but Dad was all, "There is no way U 2 R both sitting in the back as if I'm yr chauffeur!" Parents. NEway, Dad was like, "Yep! U 2 sang like there's no 2morrow!" And w/my lack of sleep, I popped out the first punny, stupid thot that popped in2 my hed: "Dad... There IS no 2morrow! It's already 2day!" Which is idiotic, since even that "2day" had a 2morrow." Dad had this look on his face like he was prolly popping a storm-cloud thot bubble out the top of the car.

Howard, sorry I hadta wield the frypan when Becks was still playing my "Gems" game on Playstation after midnite. 'Course that didn't do it either, only that call 2 Dunc and his promise 2 send Becky her own copy of the game did the job. Well, I DID say the game's like crack, eh?


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  • At 10:21 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, so wut were u wasted on? i know eva likes that nigerian beer or that brand of guinness stout brewed in nigeria. & how wasted were u guyz that u cudn't walk frum the mall, like u usually do? i guess wasted enuff 2 do that pun.

  • At 10:43 AM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I guess your Blog is still talking about the telethon, but I thought it would be more about what happened while you were there with me. You didn’t tell anything about hanging out with Becky, and your boyfriend and how he said, “Hoo!” almost a million times, I think, until Eva said she would punch him out if he said it again.

    You didn’t tell anything about the special performance by the special needs kids, especially Faith when she danced with the Milborough Dance Academy dancers.

    You didn’t put anything in about that magician, Arne the magnificent or something, who nearly burned the stage down and how he was beaten up by his magic rabbit and that red-headed girl who was wearing all black in front of everybody.

    You didn’t mention how when the special needs kids caught you and Eva leaving the telethon early and how they called you wimps (in a nice way, of course).

    You didn’t say anything about how the audience started singing “Wonder Woman” when Becky came out for her second set, because of that dress she was wearing.

    I know you’re the nicest girl in Milborough, but couldn’t you write a little bit more about the telethon? It was the best night of my life. I stayed there all night with my mom and so did the other special needs kids, once their moms figured out that’s where they were.

    Shannon Lake

  • At 10:50 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It is fortunate for you that when dad is up at 4 a.m. in the morning, all he really cares about is going back to bed. If mom had picked you and found you wasted, you would have gotten quite a different reaction.

    If I am following your story correctly, you last mentioned that the slattern, Becky McGuire asked you to hang out with her. Then you mention you had dad pick you up because you were wasted. Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out exactly who got you wasted, now does it?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ppl, i was TIRED! not "wasted" as in drunk or drugged. sheesh. didn't u get yr "weird milborough slang that is different from the rest of the world's slang" booklet?

    shannon, well, u did such a good job of telling abt all that other stuff at the telethon, that now there isn't ne need, eh?

    shut up, mike.


  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger howard said…


    If you could do me a favour and call your friend Duncan back and ask him not to send that game, I would appreciate it. I don’t need Becky to be addicted to a video game while we are in our last minute wedding preparations. I also think the Newlyfoobs reality TV show producers would not like to see hour after hour of Becky playing the Gems videogame. They did get some good footage of you getting wasted at the telethon though, which I understand, they really liked. Apparently they think you are quite funny when you’re wasted. One bad pun after another. Clearly the Newlyfoobs producers have not been exposed to as many puns as I have over the years.

    As for your story about the telethon, if I understand it correctly, your dad told you that you and Eva performed your song as if you expected there would not be a tomorrow, like it was the last time you are going to sing for the rest of your life? What an odd compliment. I guess he was tired, or simply unaccustomed to giving compliments. It’s also strange you said he had a storm cloud, when you told that pun. With your family, I would have figured he would patting your back and congratulating for a pun that bad. I guess your father reacts differently when he’s sleepy.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. The best of news! You finished talking about the telethon and brother Gerald is still a Chihuahua!! I think it’s a sign he is going to stay as a dog. I just have to take Gerald to the Milborough dog clothing store now! I looked through there the other day, just in case, and there are some of the cutest little outfits. Do you want to come?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, and how on earth did they get footage of me "getting wasted" when I DID NOT GET WASTED?

    i called duncan, but he sed the package had already been sent 2 becky. mayB u can intercept it, howard.

    so, like, honoria and i were @ the doggie clothes store she posted abt, and she was trying 2 get ger 2 try on a little pink outfit that matched this little chanel suit that honoria was wearing. and ger-dog was barking and growling and his telepathy 2 me was saying, "no way am i letting ne1 put that foofy outfit on me! i m a strong viking chihuahua! hoo!"

    just then, there was a puff of smoke, and ger was transformed back in2 ger. completely naked! fortunately, honoria has been carrying blankets around in her doggie tote bag, since chihuahuas have trub retaining body heat, and she threw it over him. all while wailing, "no! witch! change him back! he was a better brother when he was a dog!"

    and ger sed, "how dare u! u r a trickster, like loki!"

    while they were arguing, i ran across the mall corridor 2 abercrombie an' bought ger a pair of shorts and an tank top, socks, and sneakers. good think i knew all the rite sizes 4 him. honoria and i kinda held the blanket around him, like a portable cabana, while he put on his new clothes.

    then we kissed a bunch, cuz i really missed him being human. and honoria did her lady-like version of swearing and gently suggested we get a room. but i hadta go cuz i promised 2 help out moira @ lilliput's.


  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You asked how they got footage of you “getting wasted” when you didn’t get wasted. I think you defined “getting wasted” as “being tired.” As you probably know, some people, when they get wasted (not tired) just get tired from being wasted, so it is hard to tell if they are tired/wasted because they are tired or wasted. All the Newlyfoobs people got was a lot of pictures of you telling a lot of really bad puns of a similar or worse quality than the one you told your dad. Possibly when you get tired, your control lapses and you tell bad puns. I have seen the footage and I don’t see any physical evidence of you drinking. However, the plastic cup out of which you were drinking was unmarked, and you could have been drinking anything, so we can't tell if you were drinking/drunk or drinking/making yourself less thirsty. Then there was the fact you were laughing hysterically at your puns, so someone might draw the wrong conclusion, and think you were wasted/drunk instead of wasted/tired. Personally, I didn’t think the puns were that funny, so they probably won’t use it in the actual show. But they might. Who knows?

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 xxplaining, howard. i get like that when i'm v. v. tired, unfortch, and i'm not used 2 being up so l8!


  • At 9:03 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It was a very disappointing afternoon. I miss my dog brother.

    I was however, quite excited to learn the Milborough Mall has an Abercrombie & Fitch in it, since there are only about 3 of those stores in Canada. I know a lot of people have told me that Milborough is sometimes more like the States than Canada, and I suppose this was one of those times. The last time I remember that was when I saw the subtitles on the TV screen for your song during the telethon, where the word colour was spelled “color” like they do in the States.

    I don’t want to be too picky about your story-telling, but when my brother was a Chihuahua, he seemed to be quite willing to let us put him into that cute little, pink outfit when you were the one helping him to put on his little doggie pants. His doggie barking and growling turned into cute doggie tail wagging as I recollect it.

    And dearest future sister, I don’t mean to be picky about how you said you knew Gerald’s sizes, but I think you prefer to see my brother in tight clothes. Those shorts did not leave much to the imagination, especially when you started kissing him right in the dog clothing store. When you left to go to work, I had to take him all the way home looking like that. When Pater saw him, the first thing he said was, “Well, Gerald. It looks like you have been spending time with April Patterson again.”

    I have been spending the rest of the evening trying to convince Pater and Mater to let me have a dog, but all they will say is the one (brother Gerald) we were taking care of for someone else was so awful, there was no way it was going to happen. There is no tomorrow for me getting a dog for a pet, I am afraid.

    The worse part of it is I am going to have a hard time getting to bed tonight. Gerald is in the wine cellar (also my bedroom) getting wasted.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    I don't think you missed anything by not being at the telethon to see Arne's "act." I don't think your friend Shannon has seen that many podiums explode, so that's why she mentioned it as a highlight.
    The telethon was Wilco's last performance with Arne, since Wilco's got a part in the new CBC adaptation of the popular Argentinian telenovela "Sin labios como peces no hay paraiso," and taping starts in Toronto next week. I think Arne just pushed Wilco too far making him wear the bow tie and the little spats. I was mad enough at Arne for armtwisting my father into asking me to assist at the telethon. I tried to tell my father that people with special needs appreciate money more than burnt stage props.


  • At 9:34 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes, b careful if u drink the Abuyas beer. Its prolly this.

    Got 2 go. Im @ Level 893 of Gems.

    Yr bud,

  • At 9:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, u mighta thot ger seemed happy 2 get those pink doggie pants put on when i was trying, but u didn't hear what he was "saying" w/his telepathy! that's y i backed off. i'm not gonna tell u the things he sed cuz of yr whole "being a lady" thing.

    as 4 the titeness, ger tells me he was sumhow overeating by chihuahua standards, and he's finding all his clothes r a lil tite rite now.

    zandra, wow, i heard that telenovela is gonna b a big thing! sorry yr dad roped u in2 helping arne, but big congrats 2 the bunny!

    dunc, i didn't drink ne beer. just pop. level 893? cube! i've only gotten up 2 800!



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