Digesting
When Mom and Liz got home from the trial, I heard Liz rite outside the front door being all, "Thanks 4 the lift, Anthony. Thanks 4... everything." Then I looked an' saw Anthony put his rite arm on Liz's left arm, all "NE time." Ew. And Liz seemed 2 have a halo around her hed, which was v. strange.
Inside, while Mom was taking off her boots, she [Mom] was all, "So, it's over. MayB Howard didn't get what he deserved, but it's over." I wanted 2 change the subj, cuz I'm sad abt the whole Howard thing, so I was, like, "Guess what else is over! Mike quit his job @ Portrait magazine! He finally told 'em 2 'stuff it'!" I kinda hunched my shoulders up and pted @ Liz when I sed this. And U mite wonder Y I worded stuff like I did, since Mike had a pretty cushy gig @ Portrait. It's cuz Mom seemed 2 believe the job was, like impinging on his "delicate genius" and that he was, like, doing them sum kinda favour being there. I kinda had 2 phrase it in a way that fit in w/how Mom looks @ the sitch, else she totally wdn't understand.
NEway, Mom was, like, "W8 a minute...Let me sit down. 2 much is happening. I need 2 digest everything slowly and carefully." She had her hand up on her 4head when she sed this, like she was afraid it mite open up an' spit out her brains. She plunked herself down @ the kitchen table, and @ this xxact moment, Dad appeared, an oven mitt on each hand, holding a casserole dish, an' saying, "U're in luck! I made a pot of 3-bean chli!" Mike sez this is Y Dad is the "patriarch of puns." "April, note the subtle punning w/out even having 2 speak the actual pun [on digesting]! We R in the presence of punning GREATNESS." Ewfulness!
Apes
Inside, while Mom was taking off her boots, she [Mom] was all, "So, it's over. MayB Howard didn't get what he deserved, but it's over." I wanted 2 change the subj, cuz I'm sad abt the whole Howard thing, so I was, like, "Guess what else is over! Mike quit his job @ Portrait magazine! He finally told 'em 2 'stuff it'!" I kinda hunched my shoulders up and pted @ Liz when I sed this. And U mite wonder Y I worded stuff like I did, since Mike had a pretty cushy gig @ Portrait. It's cuz Mom seemed 2 believe the job was, like impinging on his "delicate genius" and that he was, like, doing them sum kinda favour being there. I kinda had 2 phrase it in a way that fit in w/how Mom looks @ the sitch, else she totally wdn't understand.
NEway, Mom was, like, "W8 a minute...Let me sit down. 2 much is happening. I need 2 digest everything slowly and carefully." She had her hand up on her 4head when she sed this, like she was afraid it mite open up an' spit out her brains. She plunked herself down @ the kitchen table, and @ this xxact moment, Dad appeared, an oven mitt on each hand, holding a casserole dish, an' saying, "U're in luck! I made a pot of 3-bean chli!" Mike sez this is Y Dad is the "patriarch of puns." "April, note the subtle punning w/out even having 2 speak the actual pun [on digesting]! We R in the presence of punning GREATNESS." Ewfulness!
Apes
Labels: Dad, Howard, Liz and alcohol, Mike, Mom, Portrait, recap
posted by April Patterson @ 6:44 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:50 AM,
Anne said…
OMG Apes, I just saw a CBC Toronto report about sum toxic fumes around the Milborough area. N fact, it was yr house on TV! R the firetrucks & hazmat crew still there? The reporter was talking about this "culinary caper that's 'bean' sending a chill thru the air." Do u need x-tra Beano, or nething? Just lemme me know!
Vicks
At 12:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. First I must thank you for shifting the subject from Liz’s rape trial to my story about quitting my job. There is nothing quite so tedious and boring as talking about sexual assault, particularly when Liz does it and feels the need to position her head in front of lamps to give her that “halo look”.
Second, I must take you to task for teaching my children the “Pull my Finger” trick, because then they innocently taught it to mom, who somehow got the idea it was a means of helping with menopausal hot flashes.
I blame you for the fire trucks, Hazardous Materials crew and the TV reporters. When Connie Poirier told the reporter that she “thought nothing could come out of mom’s body louder than her shrieking until today”, it was humiliating. Of course then you talked to the reporter about being at dinner and mom was baking brownies, cutting the cheese, floating an air biscuit and let each little bean of the 3-bean chili be heard. Not a pun in the bunch.
Fortunately I was able to convince them that it was actually Liz’s famous Lizardbreath and they left us alone as if that was old news. It took forever to get them to leave. I thought that firefighter was never going to stop talking to Deanna about deadbean dads, as if it was dad’s fault for making the chili with beans. I also thought you would never stop staring at the firefighters and calling them “hot”. Remember the Law of Diminishing re-Puns – The more one puns the same pun, the less people want to hear it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, so thass wut that wuz. i thot the air smelled diffrent outside. the tv news talked 'bout ur sis & sed, "her lips have changed while she wuz away 4 the last 6 years, but her breath iz still the same." i didn't think it smelled like ur sis' breath. az mom sez, "if it's on the news it must b wrong."
At 1:18 PM,
howard said…
April,
While everyone else is discussing the sight and smells of Milborough, I thought I would let you know how I am doing.
First, my lawyer, Mr. Benis, doesn’t think I should file for an appeal of my case, for fear of getting the short drop hanging I missed out on this time. As Mr. Benis said, “There is someone powerful in Milborough who doesn’t think you got what you deserved, and you don’t want to give her a second chance.”
Second, I have begun my series of conjugal visits with the old ladies of Milborough. The prison has agreed to provide us with a room with a sink and some shampoo, so I can resume my shamp-Ohing work. I wasn’t sure if they would allow that, but one should never underestimate the Milborough old lady lobby. It is an enjoyable task. The ladies are happy to see me and they are happy when they leave. Lots of smiles all around.
Third, I had another interview with Mr. Gluttson of Portrait Magazine. Among other things he asked me the first thing that came to mind when I heard the phrase “stuff it”. I told him handmade pillows and teddy bears. He also asked me how I felt about the music of Johnny Paycheck. I told him I much preferred light opera. Mr. Gluttson seemed to be happy with those answers and he may be back to interview some more later. He said there were only a few candidates left to consider and he wanted to see how they answered those same questions.
Fourth, my cellmate is a member of Thorvald McGuire’s old Quebecois motorcycle gang, the Bandidos. He has promised not to be too romantic with me, out of respect for Thorvald, his boyfriend on the outside, and his desire for me to put a retrospective of his life into Portrait Magazine after I become the new editor.
That’s the news,
Howard Bunt
At 1:19 PM,
Anne said…
Yr right, Mike, I guess having the fire dept. & hazmat crew called 2 yr house can b kinda embarrasing.
BTW, this mite b coincidental, but I saw this entry on this Live Journal page 4 "magicmichael76" this morning: "One would think that the gastrointestinal and household disruptions of the previous day would disrupt my creative flow, but no, dear reader! They've helped stoked the fires of my inner muse. As you know, Sheilagh has endured her husband's abusive ways on the desolate Alberta (is that where I've placed them? I need Sheilagh to tell me.) landscape, feeding her household on the most meagre of resources, making soup out of leftover carrots and stale pita bread (was there pita bread back in olden times? There had to have been!). Finally Sheilagh will exact revenge upon the brutish Harvey, concocting not a three, or four, but five-alarm chili that will knock him out cold. Or a cast-iron frying pan might work instead. In any event, I must conclude this missive. My good friend J.W. and I are going shopping for clothes to wear to my novel publishing party." Now that's a book I can't wait 2 "digest." Haha.
Vicks
At 2:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Vicks,
Your name is very close to the sound of the word “vixen”. Have we met? I don’t remember if we have, but I think I would remember if I had done a pun with the word “vixen”.
I appreciate your sympathy for my family’s plight. As for this “magicmichael76” thing which you have quoted, I don’t know anything about it. You can keep on reading it if you want to, just as long as you don’t read “magicmichael77”. The writer over there is truly excellent. If it were me, I would concentrate on “magicmichael77” and not pay any more attention to “magicmichael76”.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
i m relieved that it turns out howie is rooming w/ my "uncle" jean-michel singetueur. he's a pretty good guy. neway, dad sez plan b begins at midnite. b reddy, every1!
becks
At 2:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am ashamed of all you jerks who keep talking about Mom's little problem from last night, it is not nice to make fun of somebody who has a disability, Mom didn't ask to get malfunctioning sfinkters (sp?), it just happened to her, I think we should all blame the real person at fault here, and that's April, if April wasn't so lazy she would have been making dinner instead of Dad and you know she would of chosen something stupid, like a chicken wrap, but at least it would not have had beans in it, you can't blame Dad, when you make a man do women's work, he is bound to get it wrong, that's why it's called women's work.
Liz
At 4:03 PM,
Anne said…
Thanx Mike, u reminded me of the all-girl glam metal band from the 80's....lol. The ladiez needed 2 represent better, no question.
We haven't met, but I have been @ yr folks' house a few times, like 4 Apes' b-day partee. I would've stayed later but my bf Gordie wouldn't take off that stoopid beret & I got hella self-conscious.
Vicks
At 5:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. Normally I would agree making dinner is April’s job, but the way dad explained it to me was that he volunteered to cook because April was busy taking care of the children; Deanna and I were busy releasing my job tension; and when he looked at April in black and white, he kept getting the impression she was wearing a strapless top and exotic belly dancer arm bracelets, which he said gave him some thoughts which inflamed his desire to be cooking 3-bean chili.
I don’t know if I would call it mom’s little problem. There was a moment there when we were trying to get out of the house to the outside air, where I had a flashback from Christmas Eve and I felt a need to go back into the house and get my laptop with the outline of my second book on it, and I almost passed out on the way back out of the house with it.
My children were similarly affected, but I explained to them that fire is not the same as flatulence. My daughter said, “You’re right, daddy. Flatulence smells a lot worse.” Then she started saying, “Fire is better than flatulence” over and over again and got my son to join in. Of course his language is not as good as his sister’s yet, and that’s why you thought he was saying, “Lizabeth’s flat breast.” A slight misunderstanding easily explained, assuming you don’t run away crying and yelling things over your shoulder.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Vicks,
I am quite encouraged April has friends who will write to her on her Blog, aside from the class bully, Jeremy Jones, and the spoiled kid, Becky McGuire. Although if your boyfriend was wearing one of those French berets and my mother saw him, I seriously doubt he will be invited back to a birthday celebration for April this year. April 1 is coming up in a month, so we shall see.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i dunno y u r blaming me, i had nuthing 2 do w/alerting the media 2 mom's "problem."
liz, dad totally insisted on making dinner. i wasn't being lazy. i even volunteered 2 cook a veggie lasagna, but dad shooed me away and sed "clear out of chef john's kitchen!"
howard, gramps told me there was, like, chaos @ the odefoax home, w/all the old ladies climbing over ea other 2 get 2 c u @ the prison.
apes
At 8:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
A vegetable lasagna! How thoughtful of you on a Friday in this Lenten season. Oh wait, you were talking about the previous night, eh? I'm sure you had sacrifice and moderation in mind.
To think that I started controlling the destiny of a family of six when the so called "Wicked Witch of Corbeil" was in diapers. And now I'm in diapers! Go figure.
At 8:15 PM,
Anne said…
Gordie does have a French last name--Durrocher--but no Quebecois accent. So his red beret could've put us on yr mom's s*&t list, but when we were there she had no eyez. It was the strangest thing. It happens 2 yr dad sumtimes too, which could explain the fug train conductor overallz.
Vicks
At 9:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
mr. keane, my gramps likes "adult diaper" humour, so i will tell him what u sed!
vicks, mike and robin both had that "eyeless" thing when i told them abt mom an' liz b-ing @ the courthouse. it's v. freekee when that happs!
apes
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