Mike Resigns
Mike posted sum more abt what's been going on @ Portrait mag:
Apes
April,Hmm, Mike I wonder if all this is sumhow rel8ed 2 this weird song Mom was singing, sumthing abt "all the pieces R falling in2 place/Michael is dropping from that rat race." Odd, eh?
Little sis. Work today was especially difficult. Mom helped me go through the employee records and productivity reports to find the perfect employee to down-size and we kept coming up with Mr. Gluttson or Barry, the editor-in-chief. I told mom, I was pretty sure Mr. Gluttson or Barry didn’t want me to down-size them, but mom told me if I down-sized them, then I could take their job. But without either of them going through a divorce or some other personal disaster which would cause them to leave their jobs without any effort on my part, I couldn’t see a way to make it work, which meant only one thing. I had to eliminate myself, but before I did this, I felt I needed to sleep on it. So, I put my hand on my head and took a nap staring at my computer terminal, which is one of my best places for sleeping.
While I was napping, my coworker Francine came into my office and said, “You look pale, Michael. Is everything OK?” This woke me up, but I kept my eyes closed and said, “No, Francine. It isn’t.” just in case she would get the hint and leave me to my nap. I was not that lucky. She continued to stand there, so I was forced to explain things to her. I said, “Mr. Gluttson wants to downsize again. He told me to eliminate one of the higher salaried positions.” You may remember the last time Mr. Gluttson wanted to downsize and the agonizing decisions I was forced to make about eliminating someone. I certainly don’t remember it; unless maybe Mr. Gluttson was talking about when he eliminated Mitch Frenum, in order to give me his job.
My poor memory was depressing me, and as Francine has done so many times, she said some things to cheer me up. She said, “You have to fire someone? But why? We’re doing so well! We’re turning a good profit—and we’re a great team!” Whenever Francine tries to cheer me up, I have to agree, even if the things she said were not quite true, as any reader of my monthly family letters for the last 2 years would know. So I said, “I know.” Then Francine got down to what she really wanted to say which was, “So, how are you going to eliminate one of us?” and she leaned over my desk and gave me that really scary look of hers, which made me glad I had never dated someone in the journalism profession. I had to tell her the truth, so I said, “I’m not.”
Then I was puzzled about what I wanted to say next to Francine. I thought about saying:
“If ever a man needed killing, it's that no-good, putrid piece of trash over there.” or
"You're better off than me... You got me for a buddy... I only got you." or
'Better men than Michael Patterson have cracked.' "There are no better men than Michael Patterson." or
"First one to make a break for it dies like a dog." or
"I'm not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going." or
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
Instead of those choices, I turned my back to Francine, stared at my computer screen and said, “I’m going to resign.” Fortunately, saying that to Francine is not an actual, official resignation; and I was really interested in seeing her reaction. If she started begging me not to quit because it would destroy Portrait Magazine, I might reconsider. If she said, “Could I have your job?” then I would definitely stay. If she said, “You’re quite right, Michael. I understand home loans are so much easier to get when you’re unemployed.” then I would definitely leave, just to prove her wrong. You may be wondering exactly how Francine reacted, so I will leave that little tidbit until tomorrow. It’s always good to leave your audience wanting a little more, and when it comes to stories about me, who wouldn’t want more?
Love,
Michael Patterson
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:22 AM
14 Comments:
At 2:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
I don't know why you didn't tell the important thing, which is, "Did Francine like the dress that Dee and I made for her?", it was a long-sleeved royal-blue prairie-hausfrau style that Dee said is the latest thing, we used the pattern Dee used for that purple dress Dee wears in that picture of her on her page on Mom's website, but put long sleeves on it, Dee is so into sewing now, it's nice that there is a sewing room in this house for her to do every married woman's favorite hobby in, I'm trying to learn but it seems kind of tedious and boring, I would rather play with my cat, but I'm sure once I'm married (if that ever happens which I'm not so sure of), the interest in sewing will just kick right in, Mom promises it will, she said, "A woman who doesn't sew is a sluttish housewife!" and I said, "But Dee isn't a housewife, she has a job," and Mom said, "All wives are housewives, even if they work outside the home, just look at Dee and Mike, who does all the cleaning in their house?" and I said, "Dee," and Mom said, "Who takes care of the kids?" and I said, "Dee," and Mom said, "And who does all the cooking, mostly from scratch?" and I said, "Dee," and Mom said, "See, even if you have a career, a proper married woman is still a housewife first and foremost," and I said, "Oh, but what if the wife isn't good at cleaning?" and Mom squinted her eyes at me and said, "When you get married, Lizzy, you will suddenly be very obsessed with keeping things clean and tidy. You are a Patterson, and a good Patterson woman gets most of her self-worth from cleaning, child care, cooking, and sewing, obviously," well then I went to my room and got in bed and ate a bag of potato chips with dip and got crumbs and dip splatters on the comforter while I read People Magazine because if I am going to have to be neat when I'm married, I want to get all my sloppy urges out now, so anyway, did Francine like her dress?
Liz
At 2:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG! Ack! Michael has to fire someone?? It sounds like he wants to run away from the situation, but take it from me, that's a bad idea. I've been trying to lose weight for the past 30 years and haven't given up or avoided the challenge. So after you give the pink slip to your victim, how about you take him or her out for doughnuts or dessert? Anyway, I have to get going. There's a Presidents' Day sale on swimsuits and the saleslady with a pencil behind her ear has reserved a fitting room for me. Ack!!
xxxx,
Cathy
At 3:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i'll bet mike never noticed the dress or bothered 2 ask if francine liked it. that's the way he is. francine notice mike looking all pale an' stuff, but wd mike ever notice what francine's wearing? course not!
cathy, i think my mom's been following the same "dieting strategies" as u.
apes
At 3:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, your mom is the best, April! Sometimes it's tough to understand her since she's almost always eating a pastry or drinking a coffee beverage when she speaks, but who am I to talk? ;-)We went shopping the last time I was in Toronto and I helped her pick out the swimsuit and pants she wore on her trip to Mexico. And naysayers say plus-size apparel can't ever be stylish!
Cheers,
Cathy
At 5:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Cathy,
I don't understand, why would Mike give Francine a pink slip, I mean you wear a slip with a dress, but a slip is underwear, and a man doesn't give a woman underwear unless they are married or dating, are you trying to tell us that Mike is having an affair with Francine, that is horrible!, now I wish Dee and I had never worked so hard on making a dress for that horrible you-know-what-with-a-s, oh my gosh, I bet that is why Mike is quitting his job, so he doesn't have to fire his mistress Francine, that is terrible, doesn't that evil spinster know that Mike has babies at home to feed, and his good and patient long-suffering wife Dee says dog food isn't allowed anymore?!?!?, I don't even know how to start to understand this, just when you think you know a person as being a mean and evil jerk but basically neutered like a good husband, like Dad for example, then you find out he is sleeping with that slutty Francine, and probably some other women at Portrait, I mean we don't know just how many women he's given pink slips to now do we?!?!?
Liz
At 5:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
I don't know, Liz. Men should come with instruction booklets! What if he gave Francine a slip with a heart on the front?? That would mean he's in love with her! You and Deanna ought to investigate on the sly; it's important to keep a bland, neutered husband like your dad or my Irving!
Best,
Cathy
At 6:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Cathy,
Don't worry, I will be careful when I check this out, we will be really sneaky, I am going to ask Mike tonight at dinner, "So Mike, how many 'pink slips' have you handed out since you got married to Dee?", that will give me my answer.
Liz
At 7:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. Some strange dinner time conversation tonight. I think I did answer you correctly that Francine did like the dress you and Deanna made for her. I remember Francine was very pleased when I told her she dressed just as attractively as a Patterson woman.
The questions about Francine’s underwear colour were a little confusing. Deanna seemed surprised I was so knowledgeable about Francine’s underwear colour, when I knew so little about her underwear colour. I tried to explain that Francine enjoys coming into my office and leaning over to talk to me, so her underwear is quite visible and would be best described as black and lacey and not pink. In contrast, my lovely wife, Deanna, dresses more modestly, and by more modestly, I mean, usually in the washroom with the door closed and locked. Her underwear would be a mystery to me, except I can look at it when she’s not around and I can find the key which unlocks her underwear drawer, and I trip the mousetraps around it first with a screwdriver.
After this part of the discussion, you immediately launched into questions about pink slips and how many I have handed out. It was an abrupt change in subject, but not one I am unaccustomed to in conversations with you. For example, the other day when I was talking about you taking your car into Mayes Midtown Motors to get your vehicle serviced, and you said, “Not without an engagement ring”, it took a few minutes to follow the direction you were taking.
You looked doubtful when I told that I had never handed out a pink slip during the entire time I worked at Portrait Magazine. Believe it or not, every time I have been in the situation where someone needed to be fired, they would have some sort of life-changing event occur in their life, and they would quit their job before I had to hand out a pink slip. When I said, “The pink slip I would be giving myself was the first and last pink slip I would ever have to hand out, and I was going to wear that pink slip with pride for the sacrifice I made for the sake of others,” I don’t know why you started laughing. Sometimes your sense of humour confuses me.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
cathy, mike, liz is just confused cuz she doesn't know the phrase "pink slip" as meaning u r firing sum1. not, like, pink undergarments.
apes
At 7:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadda weird convo @lunch again. zapata henderson & zenobia barnaby approached me @lunch & sed, “jeremy. we have a question 4u & we needs a male perspective.” i sed, “ok. wut?” zapata sed, “i think cloth curtains r the best curtains. they block out the light, they’re old-fashioned, & they r a good substitute 4 rope if u decided 2 hang urself.” i sed, “hang urself? wut?” zapata sed, “u know, hang urself 4 a romantic cause, like wen u hafta sacrifice urself 4 otherz 2 live on.” i sed, “thass soundz pretty goth 2 me.” then zenobia sed, “no, jeremy. the metal pull curtains are more goth. they last longer, and sumtymes they r sharp enuff to slit a wrist, if u can’t find a knife.” i sed, “y wud u wanna slit ur wrist?” zenobia sed, “sumtymez, when ur faced w/good profits & great teams, u have 2 resign urself 2 disaster.” i sed, “y wud u take disaster, if u have good thingz?” zapata sed, “unimportant. which do u like bettah: cloth curtainz or metal pull curtains?” i sed, “i like thoze plastic curtains which r too lite 2 cut urself or hang urself w/.”
zapata sed, “i think he’s onto us, zenobia.” zenobia sed, “u may b right. of course, jeremy is not that bright. what do u know ‘bout the sitch w/duncan anderson & zandra larson?” i sed, “zandra broke up w/him & haz the look of death ‘bout her. the biology teach thinks she killed the plants in his classroom by lookin’ @them. duncan keeps writing awful poetry on the washroom walls. eva abuya iz the happiest i have evah seen her.” zapata sed, “thass pretty close. do u understand the analogy of our curtain questions 2 zandra & duncan?” i sed, “wut? thoze curtainz had sumthin’ 2 do w/zandra & duncan?” zenobia sed, “wut did i tell u? jeremy iz a good listener, but he’z not that gr8 an understander.” zapata sed, “i guess ur rite. we’ll hafta elimin8 him frum our list. sorry 2 bothah u jeremy.” once again, i have no idea wut they r talkin’ ‘bout. ne ideas?
At 7:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Thank you for the explanation. Our Elizabeth is fortunate to not ever have worked in a situation in which she was fired, like when Mitch Frenum fired me from Portrait Magazine back in 2003. She may be ignorant of the other definition of the phrase “pink slip,” but it is an ignorance born out of only having excellent work experiences. Someday, Liz may have to experience getting a pink slip, but if she does, she can be assured that her new vocabulary knowledge will probably be accompanied by a raise and a promotion 3 months later, as it was with me and Portrait Magazine. For example, if the people at her school decide to fire her for her erratic attendance, overly-emotional behaviour, and poor teaching skills; she will probably be hired back as principal of the school or maybe superintendent. The more ignorant Liz is, the better off she will be. It’s been good to live in the same house with her after all these years, and see what she is like every day. I can tell you little sis, when I am around Liz, I think she has the potential to be Prime Minister; but we all know Liz would turn down that job, since she is such a homebody for Milborough.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, sorry, i dunno.
mike, i've never been fired, but still i knew what "pink slip" means. i, y'know, read. and watch tv. and pay attention 2 what ppl say. stuff like that.
apes
At 9:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
I'm sure that you are right and I am confused, but what I think you are saying is, you wear ladies' underwear, which isn't exactly wrong exactly, but it's not right either, under Section 105.77 of the Code of Conduct for Proper Milboroughtonians, it says that men wearing ladies' undergarments is a gray area, that puts you in the same category as being gay and women who have love children with South American paramours, it's okay only if you are 1) not a Patterson but 2) are friends with a Patterson, and you are a Patterson, but the code doesn't say what happens if a Patterson man wears a pink ladies' slip, I think it is not supposed to be allowed, but then again, they never imagined a Patterson man would actually do it, gosh Mike, Mom always said you would make your mark on Milborough but I thought she was talking about you writing a bestseller, and April thought it meant you would like pee on the furniture to say it was yours or something, whatever, I can hardly understand her sometimes, she was laughing when she said it though, so maybe it was a joke, her sense of humor is kind of odd, anyway, this isn't a good thing, Mike, I think you should put your pink slip in that donation box where Mom left her (I mean my) sexy black tall boots.
Liz
At 2:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I know it may astonish you to hear this, but even a Patterson can be afflicted with self-doubt. When I was typing up my resignation letter and when I handed it in, I had a song running through my head which went like this:
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh just like Mike
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be large just like Mike.
But as I was leaving the Portrait Magazine parking lot, a different song popped in my head, which went like this:
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
With this song in my head, I exited the parking lot thinking to myself, “I can’t believe what just happened…” Little sis, this is because it was as if I had not actually typed up the resignation letter and handed it in. It was like one moment I was talking to Francine and the next I was in my car leaving and I realized that in between those moments all these interesting things had happened to me, which would make a great story if only someone was there to write it down and tell it. In any case, as if to remind myself what I had just done, in case I had forgotten it, I thought, “I typed up my resignation as chief editor of Portrait Magazine…and I handed it in.”
I know what you’re thinking, little sis. “My brother was not the chief editor of Portrait Magazine. He was the senior editor.” This is true, little sis. But sometimes when you write resignation letters and you put the wrong job on the form, the person who accepts the resignation thinks that person in the position is leaving, but doesn’t check the actual signature very carefully. If I go to work tomorrow, and find Barry, the real editor-in-chief is gone, then I will know my plan was a success. The other possibility is that I could claim it was all a joke, since I didn’t put down the right position. I think deep down inside, I knew that idea would never work.
I thought, “I’m giving up my full-time job---at a time when we need it the most!!” And then as I pulled into the driveway of mom’s house, I thought of the reasons why we needed it the most. It took the whole 2 hours of driving from Portrait Magazine to Milborough to think of it, but Michael Patterson is not a man who gives up, except when it comes to firing other people. The reasons I thought were: We don’t have a place of our own to live in, we don’t have a pile of savings,---what is Deanna going to say when she finds out?!! Those are pretty good reasons. I know some people may say, “Just go move into a new apartment, Patterson.” And there are those persons to whom my wife Deanna has explained our finances , who may be wondering why we don’t have pile of savings, if our cost of living was completely covered by Deanna’s pharmacist job and my freelance work. To those persons, all I can say is that my lovely wife is not a mathematician and even her pharmacist skills are questionable.
My wife is, however, an excellent interrogator. I was barely in the door, before she said, “Michael, what happened? I can see on your face something happened. You better just confess what it is right now. You can’t keep any secrets from me. Let me guess. You got another job, didn’t you? Just admit it. You are now working 3 jobs!” I broke down and said, “I can’t believe what just happened…” and told her all the rest of the story. Instead of being mad at me, Deanna was ecstatically happy. She said, “Great!! You finally did it!!”
Then I realized something about my wife I don’t think I had realized before. The fact I had given up my full time job didn’t bother her, not living in our place didn’t bother her, and not having any money didn’t bother her. What made my wife the happiest, was the idea that I had quit work at Portrait Magazine because she had told me to. She quickly pulled out a notebook and wrote on it, “Mike quit Portrait like I told him to back on October 15, 2005.” I said to her, “What’s the notebook for?” Deanna said, “It’s to write down all the times when you did something I said.” Deanna seemed so pleased; I didn’t have the heart to tell her, “I can’t believe what just happened.” It’s better to let her think I was obeying her.
Love,
Michael Patterson
Post a Comment
<< Home