Downsizing
I was staying over @ Eva's house last nite, an' Mom called an' pretty much begged me 2 come home. I cd tell the main reason was she was tired of dealing w/the pets. Tho contrary 2 the impression Mike mita given U yesterday in the comments, I was NOT letting them starve. Even tho I was sleeping elsewhere, I came by every day 2 make sure they got fed, the dogs got walked, and Buttsy's cage was clean. BUT Mom sed the pets were getting "clingy." NEway, like I was saying, I cd tell that was Mom's main reason 4 wanting me 2 come home, but she tried 2 make it sound like she actually missed me. And she made Mike promise 2 stop calling the rec room a "storage closet." I asked abt taking some steps 2 actually get me back in2 MY room, like getting Mike out, and she sed not 2 worry, things R gonna fall in2 place soon.
NEway, so I came back 4 brekky this morning. Mike told me he'd been 2 distraught 2 write an entry last nite, b-cuz what he'd B writing abt was 2 painful. This got Mom's interest, so she asked him what that was all abt.
Mike: Mom, that awful, thinning-haired, buck-toothed publisher, Mr. Gluttson, has determined that "despite indications of reasonable growth," he sees room 4 "further economizing" 4 Portrait magazine. He called a meeting to tell us that he wants 2 make our "publication" more "profitable," Mom!
Mom: Does that mean he's going to be downsizing?
Mike: Mom, how prescient of you to ask! That is exactly what I asked him! No wonder we get along so well when you edit my manuscript and act as an all-around mentor. A mothering mentor! A mentoring mother! A meretricious. . . .
Mom: Mike, could you answer the question?
Mike: Oh, yes, of course, Mommy! That's the killer, see? He turned that ugly face to me, and he said, "No.... You will!" Me, Mommy! Mr. Gluttson wants ME to downsize!
Mom: Hmph! Well, what can you expect? He's ugly and his name is Gluttson! You can tell that suggests he's greedy and gluttonous!
Mike (sighing): I know, I know! But what am I going to do?
Mom (excited): Well, get a note pad, write out the names of all your employees in one column, and in the next, write out everything they do during the workday! I'll help you figure out who the dead weight is!
Mike: I knew I could count on you! I'll go get a note pad!
And that was that. They're in the living room discussing Mike's staff now.
Apes
NEway, so I came back 4 brekky this morning. Mike told me he'd been 2 distraught 2 write an entry last nite, b-cuz what he'd B writing abt was 2 painful. This got Mom's interest, so she asked him what that was all abt.
Mike: Mom, that awful, thinning-haired, buck-toothed publisher, Mr. Gluttson, has determined that "despite indications of reasonable growth," he sees room 4 "further economizing" 4 Portrait magazine. He called a meeting to tell us that he wants 2 make our "publication" more "profitable," Mom!
Mom: Does that mean he's going to be downsizing?
Mike: Mom, how prescient of you to ask! That is exactly what I asked him! No wonder we get along so well when you edit my manuscript and act as an all-around mentor. A mothering mentor! A mentoring mother! A meretricious. . . .
Mom: Mike, could you answer the question?
Mike: Oh, yes, of course, Mommy! That's the killer, see? He turned that ugly face to me, and he said, "No.... You will!" Me, Mommy! Mr. Gluttson wants ME to downsize!
Mom: Hmph! Well, what can you expect? He's ugly and his name is Gluttson! You can tell that suggests he's greedy and gluttonous!
Mike (sighing): I know, I know! But what am I going to do?
Mom (excited): Well, get a note pad, write out the names of all your employees in one column, and in the next, write out everything they do during the workday! I'll help you figure out who the dead weight is!
Mike: I knew I could count on you! I'll go get a note pad!
And that was that. They're in the living room discussing Mike's staff now.
Apes
Labels: crowded house, Mike, Mom, pets, Portrait
posted by April Patterson @ 7:29 AM
5 Comments:
At 6:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Matzoh ball soup! I know all about downsizing. Recently, my living arrangements were downsized from a tiny Heritage House full of hippies to a condo the size of a closet! Oy vey! What am I, a Japanese businessman in a capsule hotel with this? At least I got my DSL line running -- they said it'd take another vokh but Lovey paid the guy off with a fifty dollar ($43 USD) bill! I wonder where she got that idea from?
At 6:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
sorry 2 hear abt yr living arrangements, mr. saltzman. the dsl thing is good, tho.
apes
At 8:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
yo apes & jeremy, what's going on? i thot i'd check in for vicks since she's way jacked up on espresso shots here @ horny tim's. jeremy's rite, i get to go snowboarding, but before i go i hafta pass remedial reading. so i've been playing some of those gamez on yr family's site, like edgar's mystery word, which is kinda painful when you pick a wrong letter because edgar gets bonked on the head with a bone and that reminds me of so many of my sk8tboarding injuries, and then the giant word search game which has a picture of your bro with sweat drops coming out of the top of his head. vicks' mom sed it might be a genetic mutation or something that makes that happen. neway, mr. pedanticicz in the english dept. sed i'd get xtra credit for doing these gamez. yr family must have a lot of pull n the with the schools n ontario, is that how yr sister landed a teaching job so quickly? i gotta go for now, i'm gonna try sk8tboarding on the frozen river by your house and vicks is gonna take some pics for thrasher magazine. txt either 1 of us if u wanna meet us there.
At 9:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
gordie, yeah, that's prolly how liz got that job. i hadn't thot of it b4, but it does make sense.
apes
At 12:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
I told you Mike is evil, it is so nunfair, he told Mom I would shovel the driveway because I don't pay as much rent as him and I feel guilty, but ha ha ha then I got him back because I said, "Geez Mike don't you think you should feel guilty for taking that inside parking space and making Mom park outside?" and that did it, ha ha ha, so Mike had to shovel with me, and then what do you know, instead of working he starts throwing snowballs at me, so of course I had to throw one back, and we both have really good aim, we kept hitting each other in the head, and I decided that wasn't bad enough, so I shoved some snow down Mike's jacket, well then that horrible evil jerk did the most inforgiveable thing yet, he copied me and shoved snow down MY pants!!!, I screamed because no boy is supposed to go in a non married girl's pants least of all her brother, so I fwapped him upside the head again, then I think all those snowballs to the head got to us because we fell down in the snow and jerked and rolled around a lot, and made funny sounds when we grasped for air, later on I looked it up on Dr. Nick's DiagnoseUrself.com, I think we gave each other seizures from the head trauma of the snowballs, I'm not sure why they call it head "trauma," probably because it sounds like "drama," and getting hit in the head is very dramatic, in fact Mom has been telling this story to everybody she meets all day, I am kind of annoyed with her too, nobody needs to know Mike is a sicko pervert who sex crimed me by putting snow down my pants, I would have preferred to deal with that in my own way.
Liz
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