April's Real Blog

Monday, April 30, 2007

I was so much older then I'm younger than that now

Liz sez that she met Candace recently @ the Eats Diners. Liz got there 1st, and she sez that she sat one booth over from a guy who kinda looked like Ger, but w/a larger nose and a brushcut.

When Candace arrived, Liz waved a hand 2 get her attention, and was all "Candace? Over here!" And Candace was like, "Hey, Liz--Sorry I'm l8." When they hugged, Candace was like, "U're looking wonderful," and Liz came back w/"Wow! So R U! I can't believe U're here!" Then they sat, and Liz was like, "U let yr hair go back 2 its natural colour!" And Candace replied, "Yeah. The black was a little harsh." Liz was all, "But U looked cool w/black hair!" Candace sed, "I did, didn't I!" [st8ment, not question] And then Liz, cupping her chin w/one hand and using the forearm 2 prop herself up, sed, "It seems like a million yrs since we were roommates in university." And Candace went, "I know. A lot has happened since then. We were such kids, were'n't we." [another st8ment] And Liz replied, "Yeah... We were so young!"

It seems that just then, Candace, out of the corner of her eye, noticed sum man glaring @ them. She was all, "Oh, I'm sorry, Anthony! I didn't realize U were here! Wd U like 2 join us? It's been so long. . . ." But then Liz hissed, "Candace! That's not Anthony! That's sum old guy! C, he walks w/a cane [not Caine], he's wearing a grandmotherly cardigan sweater! I think he was just glaring cuz of our comment of how yung w/used 2 B. Cuz 2 really, really, really old ppl, we R still yung." And Candace was like, "Oh. Honest mistake."

NEway, welcome back, Candace! Hm, I do remember a colour pic w/U w/red hair, but I was never sure if that was yr real hair colour or if sum1 just coloured that in wrong.

Apes

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posted by April Patterson @ 6:47 AM  

23 Comments:

  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i wuz @the eats diner & i think i ran n2 the same old guy. zapata henderson posted yestahday she wunted 2 help me w/homework, cuz she wuz bored & depressed. so, i kinda felt bad i had been, u know, hidin' wenevah i saw her; so i called up zapata & sed she cud help me w/my homework. she suggested we go 2 the eats diner.

    i pick her up on my bike, which she thinks iz cube. she sez "ur lookin' wonderful, jeremy!" & i felt i hadda return the compliment only i rilly don't like the way zapata look mosta the tyme, so i sed, "u look cube w/black hair"; which iz 'bout the only truthful thing i cud say. then zapata sed, "it seems like a million yrs since we were last on a d8." i sed, "thass cuz u have a bf. i think his name iz eldritch." zapata sed, "i know. a lot has happed since then. compared 2u, eldritch seems so young." i sed, "i think thass cuz i look like i'm 40 years old."

    then zapata started talkin' 'bout how zenobia & zandra hadn't been hangin' w/her & how zandra wuz gradin' papers all the tyme. then she sed, "i hear u have a new gf, who's in grade 8." i sed, "u mean honoria. she'z sez i'm her bf, but i'm not." this iz the truth, but prolly the wrong thing 2 say 2 zapata who kinda jumps on me & starts kissin'. i push her off & say, "u alreddy have a bf, remembah?" zapata scowls & sez, "but he'z not here."

    then sum old guy w/a cane & a cardigan sweater iz standin' ovah us, & he sez, "young lady! if u want sum action, u shud go w/a young man & not this old fossil." i sed, "ru talkin' 'bout me? i'm 16." the old man sed, "old timer, u just think ur 16. ur just foolin' urself if u think u can still get it up. i'm youngah than u are, & i know wut 2 do wen a hott young thing like that attacks me. if she wuz w/me, i wud b takin' ur 2 my pad & makin' sweet, sweet music w/her." i sed, "she alreddy haz a bf." the old man sed, "then obviously her bf izn't doin' the job, if she feels like she hazta spend tyme w/a man w/1 foot in the grave, like u are." i sed, "i'm only 16 & i can prove it!" the old man sed, "lissen honey. my deceased wife, wilma, left me a lotta jewelry i have no use 4, & u can have ur pick." zapata sed, "well, alright then." i sed, "zapata u gotta b kiddin' me." zapata sed, "don't worry, jeremy. thiz duzn't change nethin' between us." then she left w/the old man.

    so i rode my bike home. wen i got back, there were 2 messages. 1st frum honoria sayin' "my jeremy-flower. i am so proud of u4 defendin' urself against that slut w/the harsh black hair @the eats diner. i have a faux double-d8 w/my bro, but soon i'll have tyme 4u again." 2nd frum zapata sayin', "jeremy. i scored big tyme & it only took 3 minutes. the old guy had a load of jewelry. who do u call wen sum1 dies? if a guy screams & holdz his chest, thass heart attack, eh? no w8. i think he'z still breathin'. talk 2u l8er."

    thass kinda how yestahday went.

     

  • At 1:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Well as you know, Candace always says her hair is that color because her real dad was a rodeo clown, then she laughs, I'm not sure if that's a joke or not, I mean really, when you are talking about a person from a broken home who has a trampy mother, who can keep track?

    It's so wonderful to see Candace, it's terrible how she lives all the way far away in Toronto and we can only see each other once or twice a year, it's just too far to travel more often than that, I don't know why she and Rudy can't just get married and settle down for a quiet life in Milborough like normal people but I guess they are never going to quite be normal like that, are they, oh well, still, she is my best friend in the whole world, even though we almost never get to talk at all.

    You know, when I was over at my new basement apartment the other day, cleaning it up from the last tenant and fogging it for bugs and spiders, I looked around me and realized that not everybody is cut out for this kind of bliss, some people like complicated lives, not me, it's just me and my cat and my teaching job and my basement apartment, and of course hundreds of bugs, but hopefully they will be gone soon, no way anything can live through that much poison!

    I'm feeling kind of woozy so I stayed home from work today, so I'm free to answer all sorts of questions about Candace, one I hear a lot is why she has that weird haircut, the answer is, it shows she is a loner, a rebel, and she is TUFF, just like the nose ring, it worked better when her hair was black but I think she is trying to soften up some and become more of a womanly woman for Rudy, after all, no man wants to marry a butch girl who is tuffer than him, men want women who want to work with children and have babies and cook casseroles, so who knows, maybe they will move to Milborough soon after all.

    Liz

     

  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    uh, Liz, u might want 2 open a few windows. i think u might b fogging urself as well.

    bernice & i were looking @ hair coloring on saturday @ megadrug. i think black is very cool 2. on the other hand, they had this weird
    burnt sienna     kinda color, & bernice said, "get real. that color does not occur in nature."

    while we were at the substop 4 lunch, i said 2 Bernice, "remember when we made all those elaborate plans 2 remodel my bedroom? we were such kids, weren't we?" & bernice said "luann, that was just last week."

    Luann

     

  • At 3:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dear future sister. My Jeremy-flower has a future sister, and I think the term is quite appropriate for you, since I am sure one day you and Gerald will be married. It is Monday and since the weekend has been completed, I thought I would take the time to let you know the weekend’s progress in the improvement of your boyfriend and my brother.

    Saturday afternoon saw the completion of another round of cotillion lessons, and saw your brother stomping all over the feet of the young ladies who were his dance partners. After one particularly brutal foxtrot with him, I was certain I was going to have to cancel baby-sitting your niece and nephew during your brother’s birthday celebration, since I would not be able to walk properly. One delicate girl actually shed blood after dancing with brother, and so our teacher, decided to borrow a girl from the advanced class. You may know her. She is Lavinia Leadfoot, the champion shot put thrower from R.P. Boire Senior Secondary, and her family owns the local shoe business. The teacher gave Lavinia the instruction that whenever Gerald stomped on her feet, she was allowed to break with normal ladylike decorum and stomp his in return. Lavinia was quite excited to be given this opportunity. Apparently my brother has gotten in the habit of hanging out with boys of the most unpleasant disposition, and they have on more than one occasion referred to Lavinia by the ‘L’ word. To say that Lavinia served her task with pleasure would be an understatement. I also must admit that the other young ladies were unladylike in voicing their approval of Lavinia’s actions. Milborough girls can be so uncouth. You should never hear a young lady say, “Stomp the bastard. Stomp him again!!”

    Needless to say, Gerald was anxious for revenge and upon discovering that I was baby-sitting for your brother that evening, he determined that my Jerermy-flower was not to help out. Of course, Jeremy had his internship at the Kool Haus for their concert at 10 pm, but he was willing to step in for an hour or so prior to then, to help out, since I was having difficultly walking. Your niece and nephew were quite excited to see him. I hope you don’t think it is improper for me to mention this, but they seem to be under the impression that you and Jeremy have a relationship, and not you and my brother. I presume this is a misunderstanding by the very young.

    Does my brother ever come to your house just to spend time with you and not just for band practices? Judging from your niece and nephew, I would say not. Honestly, I don’t know what to think of him. If he has been dating you for 4 years, he should be a fixture in your family’s social life by now. Instead, when I see pictures of you in the house with someone other than family, it is invariably with Gerald’s best friend Duncan and not Gerald. Of course you have a button nose in most of those pictures, so I expect they are quite old. I must speak with Gerald about trying to get himself invited to family dinners and social outings. If he had been handling himself properly, he would have received an invitation to go to your brother’s birthday outing. That way I wouldn’t have found him skulking outside your house.

    Per your instructions, we let the dogs out into the backyard, so they could do their business. It was during this time, I became aware Gerald was hiding in one of the bushes, because one of the dogs chose that bush for his business. I said, “Gerald. What are doing in there? A Delaney-Forsythe does not skulk in bushes.” He replied he was keeping watch for Jeremy, so my virginity would not be sullied. I told him Jeremy had already come and gone by the front door, as a gentlemen caller should. However, my stubborn brother would not believe me, and swore he would stay there all night, in order to defend me. That’s where all the balloons went. It was not difficult to pursuade your niece and nephew to go outside with balloons filled with water to throw them harmlessly against a bush for target practice. I must admit their aim got to be quite good; but I did have to restrain the little ones from continuing on with rocks, once the water balloons were all gone. After all, I don’t mind it if my brother is all wet, but I don’t want him to be stoned.

    Sunday saw Gerald and me going to the country club for our double-date. Gerald was perfectly awful to me the whole way there and said all kinds of insulting things to me. You would think he would know better than that by now, but some people have to learn things the hard way. I think Gerald was quite surprised to learn his date was none other than Lavinia Leadfoot, whereas mine was Lavinia’s younger brother Louis. The conversation was stultifyingly dull. Lavinia droned on about shot putting. Louis droned on in admiration of her. And Gerald kept grinding his teeth or sneezing from the cold he had caught from the evening’s activities before. I was still wincing from the names Gerald had called me on the trip over and so I decided to liven things up.

    I called Lavinia to powder her nose with me in the washroom, where I revealed to Lavinia that each one of Gerald’s sneezes contained a barely-concealed insult of her. In other words the old “calling someone a name while you sneeze” gag. I told Lavinia such behaviour should not be tolerated by a young lady, and that if she decided to bring punitive action to bear on Gerald, I would support her. Lavinia seemed quite surprised by this information. It wasn’t true, but sometimes when you make a suggestion that something is true, it only takes a little imagination to turn it into truth. Lavinia was equal to the task.

    Once we returned ot the dining table, the next time Gerald sneezed, Lavinia said, “What did you call me?” My brother looked confused, and said, “I didn’t call you anything. I just sneezed.” Lavinia was not ready to accept this and then my poor brother sneezed again. This time Louis chimed in, in support of his sister and said, “I heard it too. Take that back.” Gerald looked at me for help, and I said simply, “Brother dear. You must get out of the habit of calling people names behind their back. Everyone at school knows you call the special needs kids names.” I felt a little pang of guilt then, because Delaney-Forsythes should support each other on social occasions, but the harsh sting of his words to me on the trip over, pursuaded to allow it to continue.

    Then Gerald sneezed again, and the gentlemen at the table closest to us said, “I heard it too. Young man, you must apologize at once. This is a young lady you are talking to and not a farm animal.” Then Gerald sneezed one more time. That was apparently too many sneezes for Louis and Lavinia as they both forcefully slapped my brother and knocked him to the floor, and the crowd of onlookers cheered them, as Lavinia kicked him a few times.

    I helped Gerald up and said, “Goodness, brother dear. Lavinia is certainly not a well-mannered young lady. I would hate to have to recommend her as a future spouse for you to Mater. But of course, if you leave me and Jeremy alone, then I will not do so.” Gerald hissed a number of not particularly nice words at me, which essentially said he would not be dissuaded from protecting me against my Jeremy-flower. I suspect he knew there was no way I would ever recommend Lavinia Leadfoot to become Lavinia Delaney-Forsythe to Mater. I think I have also underestimated how much Gerald hates Jeremy.

    So, dear future sister April, I am still endeavouring to change my brother into a decent man, but he is certainly resisting the idea.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I went home to Mater and Pater after cotillion class and told them, "Honoria thinks I should marry Lavinia," and Mater got all upset, and slapped Pater very hard, and said, "This is all your fault! Letting your wanton slut of an unmarried sister rent that house across the street, and spend all that time with our children! Incest! I won't have it! There has never been any incest in my family!"

    Pater was quite addled by the blows and said, "It's not my fault the boy took to her like he did! Maybe if his mother had been warmer and more loving, he wouldn't have turned to his aunt for affection, and become confused!" It was then that Mater's favorite white bone china coffee cups began flying through the air at Pater's head. Pater ducked, but as you know, a wife's aim with a coffee cup is usually sure and true.

    It took me a full forty-five minutes to get Mater out of the white enamel china cupboard, and Pater out from underneath the white-and-ormolu escritoire, and get them to understand that I was talking about Lavinia Leadfoot, and not Lavinia "Aunt Vinny" Delaney. Mater said, "My, that ugly name certainly has become popular!" and Pater said, "Lavinia is a fine name, meaning 'purity,' with great classical roots. In Roman mythology, 'Lavinia' was the daughter of Latinus and Amata and wife of Aeneas! 'Lavinia' is also the daughter of Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, who was raped, and had her tongue and hands cut off!"

    Mater immediately said, "Ugh. She would bleed all over my white Aubusson rug. No Lavinias. I'd rather have a Patterson for a daughter-in-law. At least pet hair is easy to clean up."

    Then I asked, quite hopefully, "So I don't have to go back to cotillion class?" But Mater and Pater both said there were probably some very nice girls at cotillion class who did not have unfortunate names, and who would not get pet hair, dirt, wine, or blood on Mater's Aubusson rug. Or her white-and-ormolu escritoire, which was quite unfortunately bloodied during the coffee cup incident.

    Don't worry, my love, I'm still totally devoted to you!

    Yours, Gerald

     

  • At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Do you know a good way to get blood stains out of a rug? My brother caused quite a commotion with Mater and Pater, by saying I recommended Lavinia Leadfoot for his future spouse. Mater was furious with me and said I had to clean the blood stains out of her Aubusson rug and her white-and-ormolu escritoire. I finally convinced her I made no such recommendation, but it did not get me out of my cleaning duty. I think there must be some famed story from classic literature about a daughter cleaning her father’s blood out of her mother’s rug, but I am so frustrated I can’t think of it.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 5:14 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    The following is a step by step process that is very effective for removing blood stains from carpets.

    1. Blot with an absorbent cloth being very careful not to spread the stain.

    2. Place a small amount of a mild detergent on the stain and work it in with a brush starting from the outside and working inward.

    3. Blot again with a clean white cloth.

    4. Place a small amount of ammonia and let it sit for a few minutes to break down the stain.

    5. Blot again with a dry, clean, white cloth

    6. Repeat again starting from the step 2.

    7. Rinse with clean water.

    8. Blot a final time, and the stain should be gone.

    There are a couple of other items that can be worked into this procedure that are effective. Salt can be spread over the stain before beginning to adsorb some of the blood. A biological enzyme can be used. This should be followed by using a carpet cleaner with a solution of water and fabric softener. Hydrogen peroxide will work well, particularly in this situation, where you don’t have to worry about removing the colour along with the stain.

    I've had to clean Gerald's blood out of my carpet on many occasions, and this method has always worked for me.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Bunt,

    Thank you ever so much for the cleaning advice. I don’t know if the Aubusson rug will meet Mater’s high standards for cleanliness, but I am not longer able to detect the stain.

    You wouldn't, by any chance, be related to the Brampton Bunts, would you?

    Thank you,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    I don't know if I related to the Brampton Bunts or not. It wasn't until last fall, I learned I was a Bunt. I'm glad the cleaning method worked for you.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 5:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mr. Bunt,

    Normally social decorum would require I repay your kindness with an invitation to tea. Unfortunately, Mater is adamantly against the idea. As she puts it, “Mr. Bunt will get no invitation, and he knows the reason why.” Mater must have a good reason, because she normally adores people who are good cleaners. Nevertheless, I must apologize that I am unable to properly repay you.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Honoria,

    Think nothing of it. The knowledge you have a clean rug is thanks enough for me.

    Howard Bunt

     

  • At 5:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg honoria, i'm pretty sure ur mom is still pissed abt the time howie an' i broke in 2 steal the steroids she wuz feeding ger. or the time we busted him out of eating disorder rehab. or the time howie showed ger the rite evening gowns an' makeup 2 wear w/ his figure an' complexion. pick 1.

    becks

     

  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Babe,

    I can't take it anymore! These cotillion classes are killing me! I just stole Mater's white Crevasse, and most of Pater's Chateau Yquem, and I'm on my way to pick you up! Pack light, babe, but bring your guitar. I think we'll have to earn a living as street musicians somewhere exotic and wild. Like, as close into the center of Toronto as we can afford.

    Love forever, your Gerald

     

  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky,

    Goodness! The things I missed being in boarding school all those years! You sound like you have many good stories about my brother. Perhaps we can meet sometime in a place outside my house, where Mater cannot disapprove. I would love to hear all about my brother's adventures. For example, does he run away from home often?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 5:50 PM, Blogger Luann DeGroot said…

    Gerald,

    u consider living next door 2 mike's friend weed exotic? i guess by milborough standards, it is. 'specially when ur getaway vehicle is ur mom's 'vasse.

    Luann

     

  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, brad luggsworth just caught us @ the milborough border. ger was driving erratically, according 2 luggy, and he pulled us over. we r @ the police station now, and i m trying 2 fig out who i shd call!

    apes

     

  • At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Thanks to your unfortunate escapade with Gerald and the Lizardbreath’s sudden reassociation with Candace Halloran, I have been forced to get you out of jail by mom. She said, “Look, Michael. Elizabeth is reconnecting with her old bully she converted to good, Candace Halloran. April managed to convert her old bully, Jeremy Jones to good, and she has been spending time with him. Why don’t you go down to the Milborough Police Station, pick up April, and reconnect with your old converted bully, Brad Luggsworth? It might give you some good ideas about what to put in novel #3. Besides, I have this feeling Brad Luggsworth may have a completely different personality and appearance from the last time you saw him. Aren’t you in the least bit curious?”

    I was not. However, it is difficult to write a novel, when your mother is nagging you, so I will see you in a few minutes, formerly little sis.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, mike. brad seemed glad 2 c u, eh? thanx 4 getting me outta jail.

    apes

     

  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    uh-oh. while i was being processed, rite after i posted that, mike sed sumthing which, i guess, brad kinda took the wrong way. mike's making his one fone call 2 dee now.

    apes

     

  • At 9:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. That was a nightmare picking you up. When I walked into the police station, Officer Bradley Luggsworth came up to me and said, “Patterson! I wanna talk to you!” I replied, “Hey there, Bradley!” Then Bradley said, “This article you wrote for ‘The Clarion’…it’s about the police department, right?!!” I said, “Why would you think that?” Bradley said, “Right here!” Then he pulled out a copy of the Clarion and said, “It says: “Their brains rattled in their brain cases as our local constabularies pounded the pavement trying to find evidence against Howard Bunt. The scent of evidence seemed to evade them, while the stench of Bunt’s evil seeped under the door and into the life of my sister like a stinky cigar infecting the ears of a toddler… ‘Policemen, like animals, must mark their territory,’ I said to my wife… ‘And some policemen are more primitive than others.’ But none of the primitives on the police force managed to produce enough evidence on Bunt to put him away for as long as he deserved, while Bunt’s lawyers made a laughingstock of the legal system by delaying the trial for month after month, sacrificing the earnest time and testimony of our finest school teacher to a morass of police ineptitude.”

    Officer Luggsworth said, “That sounds like you are slamming the Milborough Police Department.” I said, “It could be any city. I didn’t say what the city name was.” Officer Luggsworth said, “OUR city had a trial of Howard Bunt.” I said, “It’s a pretty common name. Some other city could have had a trial of Howard Bunt.”

    Then Officer Luggworth said, “Didn’t the Milborough Police Force just give your dad a speeding ticket last year instead of investigating the obvious charges which would come from a grown man found joy riding with minor boys?” I said, “I believe that did happen, yes.”

    Then he said, “Didn’t the police reduce your speeding ticket fine by half when you confessed you had done it?” I said, “That sounds correct.”

    Then Officer Luggworth said, “Then why on earth would you ever consider expressing your disappointment in the legal system?” I said, “Because it’s slow and it wasted Liz’s time, because Howard Bunt wasn’t put in prison for a very long time.” I knew I had him on that point.

    Then Officer Luggworth said, “Michael Patterson. You are an idiot. All Howard Bunt did was to pull on your sister’s shirt. And those extra witnesses which stepped forward because of your sister’s pressing charges didn’t amount to anything. Your family is lucky he got 2 years less a day.” I said, “Are you mad because I didn’t invite you to my party?” Officer Luggsworth turned red in the face and said, “Mike. You’re an idiot. I need to get you out of here before I lose my temper. I suppose you’re here to pick up April and her boyfriend?” I said, “Yes.” Officer Luggsworth said, “Come this way.” I said, “Oh, Bradley. Mom thinks I should trying socializing with you.” Bradley said, “Whatever for?” I said, “Because you were a bully I converted to good and April and Elizabeth have been socializing with their bullies.” Bradley said, “Stinking Pattersons. You think I enlisted in the Air Force and joined the police force, because of you, don’t you?” I said, “Yes, I think. Unless it’s a trick question.” Bradley didn’t say anything else to me after that, but took me over to deal with another police officer to get you released. The other police officer also seemed to be in a bad mood, when she found out my name. I couldn’t understand it. Didn’t they know I am going to be a best-selling author of the great Canadian novel?

    I tried to explain that to her, and then she said, “Mr. Patterson. If you say one more word about that Sheilaugh Shaugnessey woman, I swear I will find some charge and arrest you right now!” I said, “What? Sheilaugh Shaugnessey?” Then she said, “That does it.” Then the next thing you know she has me pinned and handcuffed on the floor and Officer Luggsworth is trying to find a good charge for me to be arrested. Knowing my rights, I demanded my one phone call to my wife Deanna and a change of pants.

    While I was trying to call Deanna with the handcuffs on, I heard Officer Luggsworth speaking mysteriously. He said, “You know, if we keep him overnight, we will have to deal with a rash of suicides from the other prisoners.” The other officer said, “They might kill him first.” Officer Luggsworth said, “We would never be that lucky. You don’t know how phenomenally lucky this guy is. Nothing every goes wrong for him.” The other officer said, “OK. I see your point. We’ll have to let him go. Plus we can’t take the chance his mother would come down here.” I didn’t understand all their police code talk, but after they finished, they took off my handcuffs and told me to leave with you.

    Well, at least I can tell mom I tried to socialize with Officer Luggsworth. Mom was right about one thing, his personality wasn’t anywhere as worshipful, as I remembered it.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Dear future sister. I honestly don’t know why you agreed to go riding with my brother in Mater’s Crevasse, when he doesn’t have a licence. One of the things a proper lady is supposed to do is stand in the way of her true love, when he is about to do something extraordinarily stupid.

    It seemed stupid to me, until Gerald got home and Mater got all upset, and slapped Pater very hard, and said, "This is all your fault! You let Gerald go for weeks after his 16th birthday without getting him his M1 licence. He would have never driven away with my Crevasse, if you had taken him to get it.” Pater was quite addled by the blows and said, "It's not my fault the boy took to running away like he did! Maybe if his mother hadn’t forced him to take those cotillion lessons, he wouldn’t have had to turn to illegal driving to escape. It’s a clear case of gender confusion. Cotillion lessons are intended for young ladies, not men, and especially not boys with a history of psychosexual difficulties.” Then Mater said, “Aloysius, I’m afraid you’re right.” Then Pater said, “I’m right? Oh yes, of course I’m right.” Then Mater said, “I would disagree, but I can’t spare any more china to break across your head.”

    Then brother asked, "So I don't have to go back to cotillion class?" Mater and Pater both said he didn’t have to go. Then brother asked, “So I don't have to go to any more double dates with Honoria?” Pater said, “Of course you have to go on those. We can’t cancel. It would be an embarrassment. And Honoria needs a strong male figure to show her the standard of manliness to which her potential spouses must aspire. And we are counting on you to give us a proper evaluation of them, son.” I protested, “Why does Gerald get out of cotillion classes, when he got caught driving without a licence?” Then Gerald said, “April Patterson went with me, so I must have been driving for the greater good.” For some reason Mater and Pater agreed with that logic.

    Gerald has the advantage over me, being mom’s favourite. Getting him to leave me and my Jeremy flower alone may be more difficult that I had originally estimated. I have not given up yet.

    April, dear future sister, I would greatly appreciate it, if in the future, my brother wants you to do something illegal, if you would show a little ladylike backbone and not go along with him. Thanks ever so much.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     

  • At 9:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Aww, crud. My little April flower will soon be released as an innocent bystander. However, I am being detained on charges of driving without a license, car theft, kidnapping, and besmirching the honor of a Patterson. Since the Milborough City Council recently changed the law, the last charge now carries a penalty of death by short-drop hanging. I called my Aunt Vinny to come get me. I hope she can help me out. She dated this lawyer guy named Randy Parker awhile back. Maybe she can get me a good lawyer.

    I swear, if my drum kit hadn't come unstrapped from the top of the car, and my cymbals hadn't gone flying and smashed into the windshield of that police car, we would be in the deep, dark, violent heart of exotic Toronto right now. Shoot.

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

     

  • At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear friends,

    Somehow my sister's post preceded mine to the blog. Randy Parker is a miracle worker. He called one of his dad's judge friends, and bail was set at a sum of $1000 plus I have to help Dr. Patterson set up his trains at the new house, pending trial. I asked them to just kill me right then instead, but no dice.

    Gerald

     

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