April's Real Blog

Sunday, April 29, 2007

It's OK 4 Dad 2 mess up if his client is Mom?

During our celebration dinner last nite @ La Crème de la Crème de Milborough, Dad told us sum story abt doing sum dental work 4 Mom recently. While he was working on Mom's teeth, one of his hygienists popped in 2 tell him that the X-ray developer was on the fritz. And after he told her that he'd deal w/it, she also told him that sum lady named Mrs. Feggmutz just cancelled her 3-hr appt again.

Dad was putting a new crown on one of Mom's teeth, but when she was suppsta "close down gently," she crunched real hard instead, and cracked the crown. Dad thot sum cusses, but only sed, "We've just cracked the crown. We'll order a replacement and I'll put yr temporary back on. 1st, I'll remove the cement from inside it..." Then there was a big "PA-TWANNGG" sound as the temp crown went flying, and Dad thot, "[star] [swirlie] # [saturn] glove is caught in the drill and I've lost the [swirlie] !! [star] temporary!" Then, after he retrieved the temp crown, he was all, "Good thing we found that, or I'd have 2 make another one! OK... I'm going 2 ask U 2 close down gently, please. Gently!!" Then, he thot, "Of course, it doesn't fit. I'll have 2 drill it out sum more, then grind it down...." He finished that all, and he pulled off his mask, saying "There! Nancy will get U a hot towel, and we're all dun!" Then, as he left the xxam room, he kinda fanned himself w/the collar of his hsirt, while saying, "Whoa! [he learned that fr. Everett, his associate] What an awful afternoon! Everything that cd go wrong... went wrong!! ...It's a gd thing I was working on my wife!"

Only, the way he told the story 2 us, he kept the part abt his "client" being Mom a secret until he got 2 that last line of his. He acted like this was a super-terrific punchline 2 a super-terrific joke. Only Mom had this total pinched look on her face that seemed like she didn't think it was funny @ all. And then she pretty much confirmed this by saying that when she heard Dad say that stuff, she sat in the xxam room feeling gobsmacked.

Mike looked fr. Mom 2 Dad an' back a few times. Mom kept having that pinched look, and Dad had that "Oh, no!" look. Then Mike as all, "Well enuf abt Mom an' Dad an' teeth! What abt ME? I'm 31 now!"

And Dad was, like, "Yes! And what a gr8 job we did raising him, Elly! He even rakes w/out being asked!" And Mom was like, "Yes, Mike is such a wonderful yung man! I know the Witch of Corbeil wishes she had a son as gr8 as our Michael!" And then I kinda zoned out 4 a while as they went on an' on, total lovefest. I pictured all the choices* of skirts, pants, shirts, and jackets I have 4 my school uni, and imagined the combinations I mite wear during this coming wk.

Then I noticed that Liz had this kinda faraway look on her face, and I whispered 2 ask her what she was thinking abt. She hissed, "None of yr bizness." I was like, whispering, "U're picturing yrself in wedding dresses, Rn't U?" Then she kinda half-choked on a sob and whispered, "No. Yes." Then she xxcused herself an' ran 2 the ladies room. Mom suddenly stopped mid-praise, and Mike looked kinda annoyed that sumthing interrupted all the Mike-admiring. He kinda elbowed Dee and asked her 2 follow Liz 2 the washroom an' find out what the prob was. Then he was all, "Mom, as U were saying B4 U were so r00dly interrupted."

Then my fone beeped, letting me know I had a txt. It sed, "m @ yr house w/sis h. keep her fr letting perv. jones show up. xoxox ger." B4 I had a chance 2 answer, another txt arrived.: "bro = stupid. i will fix him. h.f." I sent a txt back 2 Ger: "get out! d = pissed @ u. jones @ kool haus 2nite."

NEway, the dinner seemed 2 go on 4evs. 7 courses, 4 hrs. I thot it wd never B over! When Liz and Dee came back from the washroom 30 mins after Liz left the table, Liz's eyes were all red, and Dee xxplained it was just "girl worries."

When we got home, Honoria looked xxhausted, but she sed the kiddies went 2 bed rite on time w/out probs. I was the last 2 B going in2 the house, and I heard a voice loudly whispering from the bushes, "April!" I found Ger hiding in them, and I was, like "Not again! Do U have cabfare and yr fone?" He was like, "Of course I do! But that sister of mine is a conniver! I can't believe what she--" But I didn't have a chance 2 hear the rest of his sentence, cuz Dad was all, "Princess April, R U coming in, or must we keep the door ajar all nite? That wdn't work, b-cuz the door is clearly a door, and not a jar @ all." And he laffed w/his tung sticking out. Yuck. So I hadta go in just then.


*Yay, it's spring now, so no sweaters!!!

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  • At 8:52 AM, Anonymous Zapata Henderson said…

    Hey, I'm posting here because I know Jeremy Jones reads and posts here regularly. Jeremy, don't you need some help with your homework today? I'm so bored and depressed this weekend, and Zenobia and Zandra are too busy to hang with me. Especially Zandra, who is stuck marking grade-nine English papers.


  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes.

    I met up w/ Charles Wallace @ Horny Ts & he said he wld give me his Crackberry if I wld stop calling Zed a snitch in yr blog & in my blog & in Zeds blog. CW says Zeds so depressed that she wont come out of her room. CW says Im a cyberbully.

    I guess hes rite. I feel so bad my maple dip tastes like spiderweb goop & my dbl dbl tastes like toilet water. CW left the Crackberry on the table, its rilly cube but I cant keep it, Mr Abuya gave me 1 already neway.

    Im going ovah 2 Zeds 2 apologize & 2 give CW his Crackberry back.



  • At 3:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, that soundz like the rite ting 2 do.

    lemme know if u wanna jam a bit l8r, k?


  • At 5:46 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Not 2nite. I just got back from Zeds & my 'rents just got back from Barbados. My eyes r all watery from all the pollen in the air 2day. Zed thot I was crying cos I still love her & mayb I thot 4 a min that she still loves me, & my 'rents thot I was crying cos I was so happy 2 c them, but its just the pollen.



    p.s. Its just the pollen. Rilly.

  • At 6:08 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i understand, dunc. i'm having probs w/pollen 2. i'm not crying cuz i'm thinking abt how ger spread rumours abt me and how it'll b sad if i break up w/him, even if we do stay friends like liz sed i cd, and also if we stayed 2gether nuthing wd b the same, and how everything's so much more complic8ed now than it ever used 2 b. it's def the pollen.


  • At 6:19 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I haven't noticed any pollen at all. However, I appreciate you giving my 31st birthday celebration some notice. It’s been awhile since I celebrated a birthday with my family and the food at the La Crème de la Crème de Milborough restaurant was good, even though it was French. Last year, I spent my birthday at the J school reunion with Josef Weeder, and that was a pleasurable experience also, but in an entirely different way and in different areas of my body than my stomach.

    I noticed you left out the part of the story where mom didn't want everyone to ride in her Crevasse, even though she had the room for all of us. And for reasons not entirely clear to me at the time, Deanna and Elizabeth were pushing to ride separately. I don’t know why our family doesn’t like to ride in the same car together, but it ended up with all 6 of us in the Crevasse comfortably and you and Liz actually sat beside each other for the whole trip without fighting, which was a quite pleasant and unexpected surprise. You two have been getting along very well, since Liz packed up most of her stuff to move out at the end of the month.

    Dad’s story about the crown was amusing to me, only because mom kept leaning over to me and saying something about how she is sure she can bite through any crown dad puts on her, particularly the cheap ones. That’s the reason she was leaning over to whisper to me, and not because she was offended when dad said, "[star] [swirlie] # [saturn]” were in his thoughts. So, it wasn’t the bad language motivated her leanings.

    Then I made a bet with mom that if I introduced the idea that people should be talking about me, the first thing dad would praise was my raking the leaves. Mom thought it would be my picking them up at the airport after their March break trip last year. If I won, which I did, then mom would agree to get her web designer, Stephanie, to take down all those birthday pictures of me on mom’s website which were taken during the time before I learned how to shave below my chin line. I was young then, and I look on the pictures now with some embarrassment that no one ever told me, “Shave below your chin, Mike.” The last I looked, they were still up though. I think I may need to remind mom I won that bet.

    As for the guffaw you heard and mentioned in your Blog entry on Saturday, you should know that it was not I who guffawed, but my wife Deanna. We overheard your conversation with Liz all the way over to our bedroom, because Liz never shuts her door, no matter how many times we have asked her to. My children have seen her getting dressed, or lying in her bed weeping, so many times now, even they have realized something is wrong with crazy Auntie Lizardbreath. In any case, Deanna explained her guffaw was after Liz said to you, “Are you the kind of person who can let things go, get on with your life, and just be friends?” Then when you said, “Are you?”, Liz responded, “Yes. Yes, I am.”

    I asked Deanna what her guffaw was about and she closed the door and said, “Mike, do remember Christmas, 2005, when Liz swore to me that Paul Wright had won over Warren Blackwood, after she set things up so that both of them would meet?” I said, “Yes, dear.” Deanna said, “Look at how things are now. She left living near Paul to be living here. Paul cheats on her with the girl who replaced her teaching. Now Liz is moaning on about she can get on with her life, when she trashed her relationship with the guy whom she said won her, and the two men left who are interested in her are guys she used to date in university and high school.” I said, “Well Anthony is the only one who counts, since he is her childhood sweetheart.” Deanna said, “My point is, when it comes to your sister's love life, don’t trust anything she says.” I said, “You’re just mad because you put money on Paul. I told you to put money on Anthony, like dad and I did.”

    I didn’t really think about that conversation, until Liz ran to the washroom weeping during the dinner and Deanna had to go after her. When Deanna came back, she said it was just "girl worries." However, it turns out that Elizabeth had been sending messages to Constable Paul Wright saying “I am the kind of person who can let things go, get on with my life, and just be friends. Since you are a friend to me, you can come to visit me in my new apartment.” Apparently, the constable’s girlfriend responded for him, and she was not very “friendly”.

    That should do it for the details about what was happening you missed. Thanks once again for mentioning me.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, since u r not allergic 2 pollen, u do not notice when it's in the air.

    so, that was dee's guffaw, eh? i guess dad is rite that after a while married couple's guffaws start 2 sound alike.


  • At 12:41 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Yes, married couples start to laugh alike. You may be too young to remember this, but there was a time when mom and dad didn't look like each other. I think Deanna would be concerned about that, if I looked like dad or mom. So, far it is simply my laugh she adopted. Maybe someday she will look like me. I wonder how I would look with a bowl haircut and blonde hair? I suppose I will find out soon enough.

    Michael Patterson


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