April's Real Blog

Friday, April 27, 2007

Not doing NEthing

After Liz finished telling me I shd say "stuff it" 2 Ger, she got up on the bed, stretched out on her tummy, and sed, "So, tell me what happened!" Sitting w/my knees pulled close 2 me, and a pillow wedged in the space betw my chin and my legs, I was all, "He had sum wine, and we were... um, U know....just sort of ....well, nothing much*... He almost got caught when Mom an' Dad came home! I shoved him out the back door, filled my face w/mouthwash, an' I called a cab after I got 2 bed." OK, this was B4 I "got 2 bed." Not sure Y I sed that. But NEway, I went on w/"But we didn't DO NEthing! Honest!" Liz put a hand on my knee, all, "It's OK, April. I believe U." And I thot, "...We didn't have TIME!"

Well, I'll prolly tell U the next bit of our convo 2morrow.


*I didn't wanna go in2 deets, partly cuz I was a bit mbarrassed, and partly cuz I didn't want Liz 2 get all distracto by being, like, "Ew! U did that?" Not that I did NEthing, U know, bad, but Liz just really gets all "Ew" v. easily.

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  • At 9:39 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Dont worry abt my job, Im helping victims of an oppressive govt get their $$$ outta Nigeria. Its good 4 the peeps who help out, 2, cos they get a decent cut. Mr A flies all ovah the world 2 meet up w/ these peeps. Hes a rilly cube guy. I wish my 'rents didnt have such boring jobs.

    U didnt say whether I can beat up Ger yet. Its ok, Im a patient d00d. I can do it netime after the world cup of cricket final game 2morrow unless Im in rehersals 4 a Midsummmers Nite Dream. Sunday mite b a good day. My 'rents r back from Barbados Sun nite & they will prolly want me 2 stay home w/ them 4 a few days til they get sick of me.



    p.s. When r yr 'rents moving 2 the choo-choo house? Not 2 b harsh, but I rilly hope its soon. I want yr dads choo-choos outta my studio.

    p.p.s. Apes, mayb u dont want my advice, so Ill STFU aft this, but next time, make sure u have a cellfone, a room w/ a door that shuts & locks, & a window 2 jump outta. Thats all Im saying.

  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Hello all,

    I spoke to Mater last night. When she learned that Jeremy Jones is from a low-class broken home, and that his father is a country-western singer, she had a fit. She is looking into new boarding schools for Honoria, and has set her up on some dates with nice boys from our country club. Mater says she won't have the spawn of any nasty low-rent country singers compromising the virtue of her only daughter.

    Honoria also has to start cotillion classes right away. Mater says this will help her learn how to select only properly reared gentlemen.

    There! Now my little April flower can get back to our amorous agenda. Meet me behind the bleachers at 2, my little love muffin!

    Adoringly yours, Gerald

  • At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    What a perfect little cretin you are. After your unwanted interference with my baby-sitting with my Jeremy-flower last night, I got home and Mater was in quite a state from your little conversation with her. I said, “Oh Mater. Why are you so upset?” Then she explained how you had told her Jeremy Jones is from a low-class broken home, and that his father is a country-western singer. She told me of dates she had arranged with nice boys from our country club, my taking cotillion classes, and spoke at length about new boarding school options.

    I said, “Oh, Mater. You and I know perfectly well the only satisfactory spouses are ones with title or money, preferably both.” Mater naturally agreed. And I said, “Those boys from the Milborough Country Club really have neither, since the main industries in our town are poor-born persons who have received a financial backing from Dr. John Patterson, or persons working in fields directly related to their ethnicity.” Once again, Mater could not argue the logic of it, since she often stated the reason I was sent to the Cashwell Day School in the first place, was that there were no suitable men for me in Milborough. Then I said to Mater 2 words which startled her motherly heart into action: Trust Fund. Mater was all ears then and her skin turned almost a pale pink with excitement.

    Really, Gerald, brother dear. I know that you usually leave the heavy-thinking to Mater and Pater and older brother, but sometimes it is good to research things on your own. Once I was booted from Cashwell, and knew I might have to spend several years in Milborough, that is certainly what I did. Why, did you know that some years back when he was but a wee baby, someone in our town’s savvy mother arranged for a trust fund based on a percentage of his entertainer father’s annual and future earnings, to which he would have access when he turned 21? Mater was quite surprised to learn it, and you should have seen the look of motherly pride on her face, when I told her how much that trust fund was estimated to be. I would swear she was about to kiss my face, until her breeding caused her to remember about the transmission of disease and she stopped just in time.

    Then I said to Mater, “Oh, Mater. When I was uncovering the news about this trust fund, I did discover something terrible about Gerald.” Older brother and I know Mater loves you best, so it is easy to get her attention when the topic is you and your future. She was all aquiver, when I informed Mater of some other things I discovered in my research. Apparently you convinced Mater that since your girlfriend, April Patterson is the daughter of the wealthy Dr. John Patterson, that she would in turn be wealthy due to inheritance, another word which Mater likes ever so much, particularly when it comes to you. I think Mater was under the impression that April would get land or property or money from her father. However, Mater was quite surprised to learn that Dr. Patterson’s will has his daughter April inheriting practically nothing except the family pets and a small university fund. The vast majority of his land, properties and valuables go to his son, Michael. Needless to say, any concerns Mater had about my future were erased in a second, with concerns about her favourite.

    So dearest brother, I think I am going to enjoy starting cotillion classes right away, because you are going to be there with me. I understand your ballroom dancing skills are extremely subpar, and you need all the help you can get. Fortunately, I will be there to assist you and inform Mater of your progress. Your idea here was quite a good one, as it will allow me to meet the upper crust of Milborough, such as it is. Most of them haven’t seen me during the several years I was at Cashwell, and you and the rest of my family forgot I existed. I am so looking forward to reminding them of who I am and exactly what the Delaney-Forsythe name represents.

    Also, dearest brother, I hope you don’t mind going on double-dates with me and some nice girls from our country club. Mater could not cancel the dates she arranged for me with the boys, without some embarrassment, but she was able to arrange for you to date their sisters at the same time. Some of these girls are coming into quite a bit more money than a few pets and a small university fund, and Mater is quite excited about you meeting them, and of course, my opinions about them as your concerned younger sister.

    Perhaps while we on these dates together, oh brother of mine, you will think twice about using Mater to interfere with my romantic pursuits; and I will think twice about saying to Mater, “Oh, Mater. This girl is just perfect for Gerald. She is so much better than April Patterson.” Thinking twice is such a wonderful thing, wouldn’t you agree, brother dear?

    I hope we have come to an understanding,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I see you have written yet another mysterious, code-worded Blog entry, which I will have to decipher for your readers who do not have the translation of terms paper necessary to understand what you are saying.

    First you start off decisively by pointing out it was Gerald who arrived, and not some unnamed guy, as you did yesterday. I was frankly, relieved to learn it was not that scalawag, Jeremy Jones.

    Then you point out that Gerald had some wine. I notice that you specifically do not mention having wine yourself. That is probably a wise idea, aside from it being illegal for you and causing Elizabeth to have to report you to the authorities, or at least mom, if you had partaken of it.

    Then you said “we were…um, you know…just sort of…well, nothing much.” If I take this straight, you and Gerald were “nothing much”. But whatever this “nothing much” is, it is something Gerald can get caught at and not you. However, you feel the need to fill your face with mouthwash to cover whatever it is that is “nothing much”.

    You did answer one mystery for me that night which is, “What happened to my mouthwash?” I thought (actually hoped) the Lizardbreath had taken it in order to make her breath more appealing for the crowd at my party, but it was you instead.

    As for the reason for the mouthwash, the normal suspicion would be that you would use the mouthwash to cover the alcohol smell on your breath, but you stated that only Gerald had some wine. It took me awhile to determine what that alternate odor must be, and then it came to me. There have been times when I visited Josef Weeder, without my lovely wife Deanna, and before I came home I knew there were odors on my breath of which Deanna would not approve, so I filled my face with mouthwash to disguise them. It also fit the idea that Gerald would be embarassed to be caught, but not you.

    Obviously you were eating Gerald’s sausage, that he must have brought over especially to be eaten. Josef Weeder always has a nice sausage at his place, and when I eat it, it does leave quite an odor to my breath, which Deanna detests. I know you did not mention Gerald’s sausage specifically, but he does seem to be the kind of boy who would comes to a girl’s house, sausage in hand, and expect her to eat it. Plus you would have to be aware how mom feels about eating a sausage. I remember when I was very young, mom telling dad how she would never eat his sausage again, and he better not have anyone else eat his sausage, especially not that pretty, young hygienist he just hired against mom’s wishes. So, you are quite fortunate, mom did not catch Gerald with his sausage uncovered and exposed in the house. She would be angry at him for that, regardless of whether or not there was any evidence you have had any of his sausage. Clearly this is your “nothing much”.

    I hope this explanation serves the purpose of informing your readers about what you were really saying with your coded language.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:23 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, honoria told me she wuz gonna hafta go on a buncha d8s & take cotillion classes cuz of sum stuff ur bf sed 2 his mom ‘bout me. so, she wuzn’t gonna b able 2 spend az much tyme w/me az she hoped, which wuz ok, since i didn’t rilly plan 2 spend tyme with her. goin’ 2 help sum1 baby-sit iz not rilly a d8, if u spend mosta ur tyme w/the baby, eh? i mean thass y i don’t mind baby-sittin’ w/u, evn tho u alreddy have a bf, cuz it’s not like we’re gonna do nething, evn if we have the tyme. i dunno wut u & gerald were gonna do that night u were 2gethah w/him, if u had more tyme, & i rilly don’t wanna know.

    neway, i ran n2 eva abuya @skool, & she asked me a strange question, which wuz “do u know how 2 make duncan shut up ‘bout my family’s bizness?” i sed, “i thot ur famly wuz n2 like superhero stuff.” eva sed, “sshh! not so loud.” then she took me aside & sed, “that stuff u mentioned duzn’t pay the bills. every once in awhile there’s reward money, but most tymes not. if u wanna new super-powered jet 2 replace the 1 ur archenemy blew up, then it costs.” i hadda admit i didn’t know a way @least that didn’t involve eva hittin’ duncan, & since i had scars frum the tyme eva did that 2 me, i didn’t wanna pass that on2 duncan, cuz eva wud prolly snap him in half. so i sed, “u cud prolly just kiss him wenevah he starts talkin’ ‘bout it.” eva sed, “thass a good idea. duncan is a gr8 kisser, w/thoze purple lips of his.”

    i changed the subject, cuz i wuz feelin’ a little sick. i sed, “i heard ur doin’ that shakespeare play w/the drama group.” eva sed, “yes. i got the part of titania.” i sed, “i nevah figgered a cowgirl like u wantin’ 2b in a shakespeare play.” eva sed, “it’s plenty cowgirl. titania is a girl who falls in luv w/her horse, & every cowgirl knows ur best friend is ur horse.” i sed it sounded like a perfect part 4 her then. eva agreed. then she saw duncan in the hallway talkin’ & she ran ovah 2 kiss him.

    neway. workin’ @kool haus this weekend. 1 show on friday @10, 2 shows on saturday @10 & midnite, all 19+, so i can’t invite u. if u need ne help baby-sittin’ aftahnoons or sunday, i can prolly help.

  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I understand exactly what you mean about leaving out the details of things, so your sister won’t say, “Ew!” I remember when I realized I was gay and the conversation I had with my sister about my first experience with a man. I made the mistake of not leaving out the details. My sister said “Ew!” about 5 or 6 times for each sentence I said, so it finally I got to the point where I stopped talking and she just continued to say, “Ew!” for awhile. It sounds like your discussion with your sister about your almost-first experience with a man, went much better than mine did. It was smart of you to leave out the details.

    I also think it’s wise of you to realize that you would have gone further if you had not been interrupted. There have certainly been times in my life, in which I wished I had been interrupted. There are some things I know about the skin of an avocado, I wish I had never learned. Personally, I don’t think actual deed is more important than intent. Gerald is a nice-looking boy, with a tight…um…anyway, it’s natural you should lust over him. Don’t be ashamed of that.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, u shd prolly read this. no, don't beat up ger. even if i get upset w/him, it's not like i h8 him, eh?

    thanx 4 the advice abt locks and fones and windows. gd pt. and i have no idea abt when the choo-choo house move will b.

    ger, loox like honoria has screwed us over, but good. dunno what u think i ever did 2 u, honoria.

    mike, pls, 4 the luv of dogs, do NOT try 2 "decode" my posts. 1st of all, u cdn't BE more wrong, and secondly, my friends know what i'm talking 'bout, so they don't need ne decoding. i needed the mouthwash cuz i DID have sum wine. just cuz i only sed that ger had wine, doesn't mean i didn't have sum 2. i was having a lil convo w/my sis, not testifying b4 the crown. sheesh. and pls don't tell us ne more abt yr sausage fantasies, k?

    jeremy, i have no idea abt if i'll b xxpected 2 babysit this wkend. i tend 2 get "asked" kinda last minute.

    howard, it's nice that u understand so well!


  • At 6:48 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    My dear brother seems to be smitten with you. There’s no doubt about that. However, if you are to ever to become April Delaney-Forsythe, you should learn to read letters not like my somewhat tedious brother does and more like a lady, noting the things written between the lines. In that fashion, you will learn not to take offence at things to which you should not be taking offence.

    I also strongly encourage you to take Gerald firmly in hand, which is a nice way of saying, discontinue your practice of letting him screw you over, as you so quaintly put it. You must put a stop to the rumours he is spreading about you, and tell Gerald in no uncertain terms, he will not get a second chance, if he does it again. Gerald really is a pussycat, and I am told you know how to handle those better than anyone else in your family.

    Gerald will attend a few faux double dates with me, where I will take every opportunity to let him know he should not trifle with my love life ever again. I am sure it will not be much of an inconvenience to you, since Gerald reports to me that you two rarely go out on weekdays, or even weekends for that matter; and spend most of your time outside of school together in band practice. After I have reminded Gerald how to properly treat a sister and hopefully by extension, how to treat a girlfriend, I plan to report to Mater that none of the Milborough Country Club girls are acceptable, which is something Mater already expects.

    Gerald and I also will be practicing together at our cotillion lessons, and it is my sincere hope he will become a better dancer, for he has battered my feet and the other young ladies’ feet with his awkward stomping at our first lesson this afternoon. I don’t know how you have stood this awful dancing for so long. I can only imagine you have very sturdy feet. I expect mine will be sore for several days.

    I hope we have come to an understanding and we may one day be sisters.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, honoria. u're alright!


  • At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Shhh, April, don't go messing with the family gig! Er, I mean, my family is engaged in a completely reputable business that bears a passing and completely coincidental resemblance to this infamous "419 scam" referenced in the website you linked. The fact that my father has deemed a section of our home "the 419 wing" is purely a function of his sense of humour, man.



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