A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

Mom shows her true colours--again

Well, foax, we R xxactly 2 weeks away from the Liz-Anthony wedding. And I woke up this morning knowing sum more abt what will happen on that day.

Mom, Connie, and Anne Nichols will B standing in a reception hall @ the Empire Hotel, where Anne is the catering manager. (Yup, Howard, it's what U were afraid was going 2 happen--Anne Nichols will handle the catering.) Annie will say, "We're all ready 4 yr reception--U can trust the Empire Hotel!" And Mom will go, "Better than that, Anne--we can trust the catering manager!"

Then, Mom will say, "The girls @ the bookstore provided all the decorations and Anthony's mother made the cake!" So U C, Anthony's mother just happens to make wedding cakes. Bookstore peeps naturally do wedding decorations on the side? NEway, Anne will ask, abt Anthony's mother: "What's she like, Elly?" And Mom, mayB 2 remind herself abt the manly-looking Connie's gender, will begin her response w/"Ladies," and then say, "She is great! She is xxactly the kind of woman I'd want my daughter 2 have 4 a mother-in-law." Anne will ask, "She gets along w/Elizabeth?" And Mom will touch her left hand 2 her own sternum while saying, "She gets along w/ME!" And Connie, like the sidekick she is, will open her muppet-mouth and laugh like Elly is totally bringing the funny.

So I guess 2 Mom, it won't matter if Liz can't stand Ant's mother. MOM likes her. That's all that matters 2 Mom. Typical. Liz, U can still back out, U know. MayB.

Howard, thanx 4 sharing that convo U, Beatrice, Maria and Ana had w/Dawn, David, Shawna-Marie, and Brian. Liz never shared NE deets abt Dawn's wedding, and it sounds like it was really cube!

Apes

No1's keeping up nemore

Mike's keeping rite up w/Mom's decree that we R in reminiscing mode:

April,

Formerly little sis. Do you remember a few weeks ago when mom decided to remember a story from 1979 involving her sewing machine and an ornamented box of sewing supplies which was taller than it was wider? Well, there were moments in my youth, when mom would decide that having a sewing machine and a tall sewing supply box was too impersonal and too easy for her. So she would take her short sewing supply box and try sewing by hand.

To make sure Elizabeth didn’t get into any trouble she would strap her into one of those old “baby bungee jumpers in the doorways” devices which I remember was supposedly to encourage babies to bounce. I wanted one of those for my children like Elizabeth had when she was growing up, but my wife Deanna was all about safety or some crazy thing like that. I swear that Lizzie only snapped out of those thing maybe 4 or 5 times when she was growing up and she would cry a bit when her head hit the floor; but that’s just a part of growing up I think. So, it is one area where my children do not get to exactly imitate my life growing up; but that is a sacrifice you make when the times change and the things which were perfectly safe for you are thought to be dangerous to others.

One of the things I loved when Lizzie was all bungeed up, was her propensity for making noises and spitting, especially the spitting. So, I would sit beside her on the floor, with my tongue lolling out of my mouth, like old Farley used to do, and we would just make big puddles of drool. Lizzie would say, “Blfff Gooooo Kttl Gllaaaa Blk OO” and I would say, “Blaaa Blaaa Dooo Dooo- Say Blaaa, ‘lizabeth! Blaaa Blaaa” The spit was flying everywhere and we had a great old time.

Mom however, jumped up from her sewing at every opportunity because, as you know April, mom likes to suffer, but she really doesn’t like to suffer while she’s suffering. The phone would ring and she would be up in a shot to get it.

We had one of those old rotary phones with the cord attached. You know the ones where, when you put down the receiver of the phone, it would depress these little buttons on the top, to disconnect the phone. Well, at some point, those little buttons on the phone disappeared, so I am not really sure how the phone ever got disconnected. I will have to ask mom about that sometime, although I expect it is a waste of time to do so, because she will just say what she always says when I ask her questions about that time --- “Michael. Things just weren’t as detailed then as they are now!”

Well, mom loved it when the phone rang. She would run to it every time. Sometimes it would be Annie Nichols from next door. Or sometimes it would be a wrong number or a salesman. It really didn’t matter. Mom always said the same thing every time she picked up the phone, “Thank God!—A grownup!” Then she would get a delirious look on her face and she would often talk on the phone so long, it would send up a series of sparks out of the top.

I didn’t really pay that much attention to mom on the phone. Lizzie and I would just keep going “Blaaaa Pfft Gooo Googl Dooo Blaa” and let the spit fly. If things went really well, mom would have a really long phone call and we would have a couple of good pools of drool on the floor.

I know I have diverted from our prior conversational topic about how dad doesn’t do dishes, with these old story recollections; but as you know, I don’t think we have kept on topic for any of these recollections so far. Besides, who’s keeping up with it, anyway?

Love,
Michael Patterson

OMG, these flashbacks serve no purpose whatsoever. BTW, Jeremy an' I R gonna B doing sum interior house painting @ the Pattermanse after school 2day. In case, U know, NE1 wants 2 come by afterwards and watch paint dry, since that wd B more interesting than these endless flashbacks.

Mike, if U had been paying attention 2 other ppl's posts at around the time Liz and Paul broke up, U'd know that Paul stayed loyal 2 Liz until after the intervention the Mtig peeps staged showed him that Liz had jerked him around by getting him 2 do 2 transfer requests, moving down here (only telling him cuz Viv made her), holding him at arm's length, and mooning over Anthony. If Liz had not dun those things, Paul wd have remained loyal and they'd B together.

Apes

Missing out on everything

Hello, all. This is Aprilbot, still filling in for April, wherever she is now.

I am to share with you another story from the past of Patterson, Elly. The story begins with Mrs. Patterson changing the diaper of Patterson, Elizabeth as Nichols, Anne clears teacups from the table. Mrs. Patterson said, "Maybe if we received weekly paychecks, motherhood would be more satisfying..." After completing the task of diaper changing, Mrs. Patterson gave Elizabeth a bottle, and Nichols, Christopher, a baby about the same age as Elizabeth, crawled over to her and two droplets of liquid descended from the general vicinity of his mouth. Meanwhile, the mothers of these two babies went in2 silhouette a couple of metres behind them. Mrs. Patterson said, "Unending housework & running after kids.... it's a treadmill, Anne!" After Mrs. Patterson and Mrs. Nichols emerged from silhouette, Mrs. Nichols said, "I don't understand you, Elly... If you hate it so much, hire a sitter & get yourself a job!" Mrs. Patterson took a moment to go over to Elizabeth and pick her up before saying, "And miss out on EVERYTHING?" Mrs. Nichols had meanwhile picked up Christopher. Elizabeth asked, "Blrgl?"

I have discovered I have a database entitled "Patterson, Elly Richards: always dissatisfied." This seems to be an item I can file in there.

Aprilbot

Getting Bigger

Liz had sum disturbing stuff 2 share abt the Anthony-Françoise dynamic:

Okay, so the next thing what happened was that Anthony tried to correct Bratty Frenchy's rude ways by saying I was sitting on the couch first, but I of course had to show Anthony that I would be a good stepmom so I didn't say Yeah have good manners or I'm sending you to boarding school, instead I said I would clear our cocoa cups but instead of going to the kitchen I listened in, and that brat Frenchy started complaining why come I'm over their house all the time, and Anthony said he likes sharing things with me, and I mentally giggled because mostly what he likes to try to share with me is in his pants, and I keep having to tell him not until the wedding night because I am a virgin*, and then Frenchy told him something like she should share that stuff with her, and I almost giggled out loud, because that would be illegal by what we learned in school, and Anthony tried to tell her he needs a big girl for that stuff, which I almost got mad about, okay so I don't weigh 125 but I am not totally fat, I don't have my own postal code yet like Mom, anyway, Frenchy said she would grow, and I thought that this was definitely true because in like 2 years she has growed enough for 6 or 7 years, probably by our wedding she will be a teenager and will want to go to the boarding school I get for her, because she will be all martiany and strange like you April, anyway, it is clear the apple felled not far from the tree and Frenchy is just like her mom, what's her name, Mrs. Frenchy, or whatever, you know, the selfish bitchy one who didn't like me and ran away with a man, that is something I could look forward to I guess, Frenchy running away with a man, anyway, I thought to myself that Anthony would be very lucky to get out of this sitchuation without having to tell about s-e-x, so we will see tomorrow how it all went, I have to go find Shiimsa and put the glasses and freckles on her, and practice fending off Anthony's advances some more, he is hard to convince, I keep saying, "Who do you think I am, some French whore?" but it hasn't worked yet.

Liz

And she added this afterwards:

Oh yeah, as far as Anthony knows I am pure and untouched, that is what I told him, and anyperson who says different to him is gonna eat a knuckle samwitch.

Liz

Wdn't it have been kinder and less damaging 4 Anthony 2 tell Francie that he needs adult, non-relative female companionship?

Oh, and don't worry abt me b-ing the NEperson who sez "different" 2 Anthony. He deserves whatevs he gets w/U.

Apes

Ooh, Burn!

Mike has more 2 say abt his recent book-signing at Lilliput's:

April,

Formerly little sis. There are times in a Patterson’s life when you appreciate just how many friends and relatives you have. You realize how wonderful it is to be in a family whom everyone knows and adores and feels as though they are a part of (even though they aren’t). Then there are other times, when you wish your friends you haven’t seen in years would wear a nametag, so you would know who they are.

For example, our neighbour Anne Nichols was next in line at the book-signing at Lilliput’s after you and I almost said, “Who the heck are you?” This is because the last time any of us remember seeing Anne Nichols, she looked like this. And yet at the book-signing, for the very first time, she was sporting glasses, was a lot fatter, and her hair changed colour back and forth from light to dark brown. Fortunately, I heard my lovely Deanna behind her with my kids saying, “Robin. No. Just because she is our neighbour Anne Nichols, doesn’t mean you can put her skirt in your mouth.” Of course Anne wanted the book dedicated to someone else I had never heard of. She said, “Hi, could you sign this for my cousin Arli, please? She’s getting it for Christmas.” As the coffee counter behind me was going in full force, I replied, “Sure! Thanks for buying my book, Anne!” I signed the book, “To Arli. Your cousin Anne says someone is really giving it to you for Christmas. Love, Mike.”

The odd thing about this line at my table was that there were two of them. There was one to my right and one in front of me. Why there couldn’t be just one line I don’t know, but I knew I would not get any help from either mom or Moira Kinney, the store owner. They were busy standing across the room, drinking coffee, and talking about how wonderful mom was, as most people who share coffee with mom do. So, after signing a book for Anne from the line on my right, I had to sign a book for Jean Baker who was in the line in front of me.

Jean Baker I recognized from the years she had worked with dad. She said, “I’m so excited! I saw you on television! (She didn’t say if it was CBC or CHCH.) Could you sign this for Daniel? He’s an aspiring writer! Say something like, ‘Don’t give up!’” I took the book from her and said, “Good advice, Jean!” and wrote for her “To Daniel, Don’t give up, even though you will never write a book as good as this one! Love, Mike”. I think that got the idea across nicely, although I wonder who Daniel is. I thought Jean was married to Mark and had a daughter Brittanny. You never can tell with people who work in dentistry who they might be giving gifts to, if you know what I mean, formerly little sis.

Well, April, the highlight of the book-signing was having Josef Weeder come all the way from Toronto to see me, and he didn’t bring Carleen with him. Naturally I had to stand up to sign Weed’s book. He held it close to his body, so I had to lean into his strong and wiry frame just to sign. All of you were around me. You, and dad, and Gordon Mayes and mom were there as Weed and I stood together holding my book. I have often dreamed such a day would happen, where all of you would be standing around and looking proudly at me and Weed, I mean, at my signing Weed’s book. Gordon said, “Awesome turnout, man!” which is not really a Gordon kind of phrase, so I had to look at him carefully to make sure it was really he. Weed said, “Your book is selling well, Mike!” Of course, you might wonder how Weed would know such a thing as that, and the answer is that I told him. Reiner and Browne, my publisher, keeps me apprised of my sales figures.

Of course you were skeptical. After I signed Weed’s book standing up and leaning into him, Mom said she wanted me to do the same thing for her. She put her hand on my shoulder and beckoned me to lean into her body. Of course, you nearly ruined the moment by saying, “Yeah…What would we do without friends and relatives?!!” I know that is your way of saying my book wouldn’t be selling well without the help of my friends and relatives. This is probably true, but I narrowed my eyes at you anyway. I know dad bought several copies to give to underprivileged people with bad teeth. Gordon Mayes said he bought several copies in honour of my dad to donate to a new landfill project he is having built. Between those two, I am sure I became an instant best-seller.

It was a great day at that book-signing. I’m glad you were there to share in my success.

Love,
Michael Patterson

LOL, it was such fun getting in a dig @ Mike, even tho, as U can tell, the effects did not last. I heard sum of thoze coffee-drinking peeps telling Mom that they wish their sons were as "wonderful" as Mike, an' she told them 2 take heart, cuz Mike is, like, the best son EVAR, so of course all the other sons out there can only fall short.

Jeremy, thanx 4 yr help prepping 4 that quiz Mom plans 2 give me, on Mike's book.