Batten yr hatches--signs pt 2 flashbacks

Oh, no. The next story I have 2 tell U bears all the signs of being the set-up 4 more FLASHBACKS. Why? Why, why, why?!?!?!?!

Well, this is what I hear happened. My mom and Connie, also @ the mall, but away from me and Eva, walked 2gether as Mom was all, "I'm glad U felt like going out 2nite Connie. John's away and I didn't feel like spending the evening alone." Connie sed, "NEtime!" Then, as they approached the coffee stand @ the mall food court, Connie went, "He's still going 2 dental conventions? --I thought he was semi-retired!" And Mom sed, "He is. But he likes 2 keep up." What a stupid xxchange. Of course if he's not 100% retired, Dad shd "keep up." Wd U want 2 go 2 a "semi-retired" dentist who's NOT up 2 d8? Connie, I guess, hasn't had enuf gratuitous reminiscing, so sed this: "I remember when he 1st started his practice and U worked as his assistant!" Mom sent, "He didn't have the money 2 hire one!" Then Mom and Connie walked away from the stand w/their coffees, and Mom added, "...We were living hand-to-mouth." Har-dee-har. NOT.

This is stupid. If Mom then went in2 flashbacks from 1979-80 abt working as Dad's dental assistant, that won't B from when he started his practice and cdn't afford an assistant. It'll B from when Jean Baker was on vacation and Mom subbed 4 her 4 a while.

Apes

Dad's tea-with-Jean memory

We're still on Dad's dentistry flashbacks. I'm kinda surprised he's sticking 2 a theme, Rn't U?

NEway, so this morning, Dad told me he's gonna have tea with his dental assistant Jean Baker 2day. He sed he wants 2 tell her a story abt another time he had tea w/her. "I think it's gr8 2 reminisce abt doing the same xxact thing, yrs and yrs ago, don't U April, buddy?" He still calls me "buddy" when he wants me 2 agree w/him. I was like, "Not really. Sorry." Then I sed, "Lemme guess, this time U had tea w/Jean Baker happened sometime between September 1979 and September 1980?" Dad sed, "Duh, of course!" Well, he might not have sed "Duh." But it was implied.

Dad got a faraway look on his face and sed, "Yes, I remember it like it was yesterday." I asked, "Really?" And he sed, "No, but I figured that's what I'm supposed to say. In NE event, when I had tea w/Jean all those yrs ago, I was feeling rather distraught. I asked her, 'Why does every1 h8 dentists, Jean? They C my office as an xxpensive torture chamber. We're just ppl and we're unfairly stereotyped! --I'm a nice guy--but I'm stuck w/this bad image!' Jean sed, --U cd have studied sumthing else. --Law, 4 xxample.' And I sed, 'Nah! ...Lawyers R all crooks.' Jean looked at me gobsmacked, but I'm not sure Y." I sed, "Seriously? Even all these yrs l8er, U R not sure Y?" Dad shrugged. Then I sed, "U did the same thing 2 lawyers that U were complaining abt ppl doing w/dentists." Dad looked @ me wide-eyed 4 a moment, then sed, "Huh. Well, I'll B gobsmacked. I guess I can still learn from the old stories even now!" I groaned and sed, "Pls don't take that as encouragement 2 tell more old stories!" Dad sed, "2 l8!"

Then I decided 2 distract him by talking sum more abt the story he'd just told. "Dad," I sed, "Don't U think that maybe the reason 4 all those ppl thinking of dentists' offices as torture chambers was cuz they had bad xxperiences w/dentists?" Dad sed, "Yes, of course. We talk abt this @ dental conventions all the time. And it's actually not as bad as it used 2 B, b-cuz the older ppl who had the worst dental xxperiences R dying off. And so R their dentists." I sed, "The brite side of death and decrepitude?" And Dad sed, "U betcha."

That's it 4 now. Stay tuned, if U dare, cuz we'll prolly have more of this thru Saturday, @ least.

Jeremy, we totally hafta tune out Ger when he talks 2 us. He's gotta cut back on that. The talking 2 us, that is.

Apes

Nitrous Oxide an' Memories

Mike has an unfortunate memory 2 share:

April,

Formerly little sis. Tonight at dinner, my lovely wife Deanna said to me, “Mike. I think the kids might be old enough to hear the ‘drug’ speech.” I said to her, “What drug speech?” She said, “Well, Michael. It’s where the parents tell the children about drugs, and which ones are illegal and legal and how they are not supposed to be used unless you have a prescription and permission from your pharmacist.” I said to my wife, “The kids aren’t old enough to be exposed to drugs.” My wife said, “Michael Patterson, we have drug addicts come into the pharmacy every day to try to convince us to give them illegal drugs, and some of them are only 3 years old.” I said, “We’ve been through this before. Françoise Caine is not a drug addict. She’s just overly smart for her age.” Deanna said, “Mike, I brought home some literature. You read and prepare yourself for the talk.”

So, I did. There were a lot of good drugs listed in the material that I have never trie…I mean that I have never heard of. However, when I was reading about the effects of Nitrous oxide, and how dentists often use it, I suddenly remembered something that happened during my youth that makes more sense today, than it did back then.

I remember the lady who works in dad’s clinic, Jean Baker, I think, came to visit mom and she was talking about dad. She said, “Elly. I saw John working on a small black boy, while he was screaming bloody, murder. John had a strange look on his face as he did dental work on him, while at the same time he had the boy’s body pinned down with his right arm. Then I saw John chop off one of a little blonde girl’s pigails and said, ‘Are we not going to see that lovely smile, Melissa?’ Then I saw John after he had hurt a patient, whom we all knew was a man who was accustomed to giving himself his own haircuts and grabbing people by their shirts, say, ‘Certainly…by all means let me know if you feel any pain!’ Then I had to tell him, ‘Those supplies you needed immediately have been backordered till next month, John.’ The whole time he has this odd grin on his face.”

Jean Baker continues, “Then I saw John hallucinating by this old lady that her breath was producing garlic and onions. Then I saw him deal with a lady with the baby that bites, and he said, ‘…and let’s just keep him home till he’s over this biting habit.’ Then I saw him go into his car at the end of the day, and honk the horn as he prepared to head out into traffic. The whole time he had this weird smile on his face. What was he like when he came home?”

Then I remember mom saying, “Oh, the same as usual. He growled and made some kind of sexist remark.” Then I remember when I was young, interrupting that conversation and saying, “No he didn’t. I was looking out the window. I said, ‘Mom. Mom. Daddy’s home.’ Then I opened the door for him and said, ‘Hi Daddy.’ Then he just “Growl”-ed so loud my hair went back off my forehead. There wasn’t any kind of sexist remark.” Mom disagreed, and so I demurred. But then Jean Baker said, “Well, I just thought I would point it out because we have been missing some Nitrous oxide in the office, and Dr. Patterson has been spending more and more time in the supply cabinet between patients. And he smiles a whole lot these days at work.”

Mom said, “Smiling and then growling when someone comes home is a time-honoured tradition in the Patterson family household.” I guess that meant if dad had to stop growling, then mom would have to stop growling too. However, Jean Baker, just left in a huff and said, “I just thought I would let you have a chance to put a stop to this; but I can see you don’t care.” Later I remember mom talking to dad about Jean Baker and the strange habits of circus folk.

But now I know this new information about Nitrous oxide, that story makes a little more sense to me now.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Funny U shd mention all that. I heard a rumour that nitrous oxide had sumthing 2 do w/all the trub Dad kept having remembering that Everett Callahan is not named Elliott. I wonder if Mom will ever have that guy on the "Who's Who" section of her web site.

Apes

Ooh, Burn!

Mike has more 2 say abt his recent book-signing at Lilliput's:

April,

Formerly little sis. There are times in a Patterson’s life when you appreciate just how many friends and relatives you have. You realize how wonderful it is to be in a family whom everyone knows and adores and feels as though they are a part of (even though they aren’t). Then there are other times, when you wish your friends you haven’t seen in years would wear a nametag, so you would know who they are.

For example, our neighbour Anne Nichols was next in line at the book-signing at Lilliput’s after you and I almost said, “Who the heck are you?” This is because the last time any of us remember seeing Anne Nichols, she looked like this. And yet at the book-signing, for the very first time, she was sporting glasses, was a lot fatter, and her hair changed colour back and forth from light to dark brown. Fortunately, I heard my lovely Deanna behind her with my kids saying, “Robin. No. Just because she is our neighbour Anne Nichols, doesn’t mean you can put her skirt in your mouth.” Of course Anne wanted the book dedicated to someone else I had never heard of. She said, “Hi, could you sign this for my cousin Arli, please? She’s getting it for Christmas.” As the coffee counter behind me was going in full force, I replied, “Sure! Thanks for buying my book, Anne!” I signed the book, “To Arli. Your cousin Anne says someone is really giving it to you for Christmas. Love, Mike.”

The odd thing about this line at my table was that there were two of them. There was one to my right and one in front of me. Why there couldn’t be just one line I don’t know, but I knew I would not get any help from either mom or Moira Kinney, the store owner. They were busy standing across the room, drinking coffee, and talking about how wonderful mom was, as most people who share coffee with mom do. So, after signing a book for Anne from the line on my right, I had to sign a book for Jean Baker who was in the line in front of me.

Jean Baker I recognized from the years she had worked with dad. She said, “I’m so excited! I saw you on television! (She didn’t say if it was CBC or CHCH.) Could you sign this for Daniel? He’s an aspiring writer! Say something like, ‘Don’t give up!’” I took the book from her and said, “Good advice, Jean!” and wrote for her “To Daniel, Don’t give up, even though you will never write a book as good as this one! Love, Mike”. I think that got the idea across nicely, although I wonder who Daniel is. I thought Jean was married to Mark and had a daughter Brittanny. You never can tell with people who work in dentistry who they might be giving gifts to, if you know what I mean, formerly little sis.

Well, April, the highlight of the book-signing was having Josef Weeder come all the way from Toronto to see me, and he didn’t bring Carleen with him. Naturally I had to stand up to sign Weed’s book. He held it close to his body, so I had to lean into his strong and wiry frame just to sign. All of you were around me. You, and dad, and Gordon Mayes and mom were there as Weed and I stood together holding my book. I have often dreamed such a day would happen, where all of you would be standing around and looking proudly at me and Weed, I mean, at my signing Weed’s book. Gordon said, “Awesome turnout, man!” which is not really a Gordon kind of phrase, so I had to look at him carefully to make sure it was really he. Weed said, “Your book is selling well, Mike!” Of course, you might wonder how Weed would know such a thing as that, and the answer is that I told him. Reiner and Browne, my publisher, keeps me apprised of my sales figures.

Of course you were skeptical. After I signed Weed’s book standing up and leaning into him, Mom said she wanted me to do the same thing for her. She put her hand on my shoulder and beckoned me to lean into her body. Of course, you nearly ruined the moment by saying, “Yeah…What would we do without friends and relatives?!!” I know that is your way of saying my book wouldn’t be selling well without the help of my friends and relatives. This is probably true, but I narrowed my eyes at you anyway. I know dad bought several copies to give to underprivileged people with bad teeth. Gordon Mayes said he bought several copies in honour of my dad to donate to a new landfill project he is having built. Between those two, I am sure I became an instant best-seller.

It was a great day at that book-signing. I’m glad you were there to share in my success.

Love,
Michael Patterson

LOL, it was such fun getting in a dig @ Mike, even tho, as U can tell, the effects did not last. I heard sum of thoze coffee-drinking peeps telling Mom that they wish their sons were as "wonderful" as Mike, an' she told them 2 take heart, cuz Mike is, like, the best son EVAR, so of course all the other sons out there can only fall short.

Jeremy, thanx 4 yr help prepping 4 that quiz Mom plans 2 give me, on Mike's book.