April's Real Blog

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Dad's tea-with-Jean memory

We're still on Dad's dentistry flashbacks. I'm kinda surprised he's sticking 2 a theme, Rn't U?

NEway, so this morning, Dad told me he's gonna have tea with his dental assistant Jean Baker 2day. He sed he wants 2 tell her a story abt another time he had tea w/her. "I think it's gr8 2 reminisce abt doing the same xxact thing, yrs and yrs ago, don't U April, buddy?" He still calls me "buddy" when he wants me 2 agree w/him. I was like, "Not really. Sorry." Then I sed, "Lemme guess, this time U had tea w/Jean Baker happened sometime between September 1979 and September 1980?" Dad sed, "Duh, of course!" Well, he might not have sed "Duh." But it was implied.

Dad got a faraway look on his face and sed, "Yes, I remember it like it was yesterday." I asked, "Really?" And he sed, "No, but I figured that's what I'm supposed to say. In NE event, when I had tea w/Jean all those yrs ago, I was feeling rather distraught. I asked her, 'Why does every1 h8 dentists, Jean? They C my office as an xxpensive torture chamber. We're just ppl and we're unfairly stereotyped! --I'm a nice guy--but I'm stuck w/this bad image!' Jean sed, --U cd have studied sumthing else. --Law, 4 xxample.' And I sed, 'Nah! ...Lawyers R all crooks.' Jean looked at me gobsmacked, but I'm not sure Y." I sed, "Seriously? Even all these yrs l8er, U R not sure Y?" Dad shrugged. Then I sed, "U did the same thing 2 lawyers that U were complaining abt ppl doing w/dentists." Dad looked @ me wide-eyed 4 a moment, then sed, "Huh. Well, I'll B gobsmacked. I guess I can still learn from the old stories even now!" I groaned and sed, "Pls don't take that as encouragement 2 tell more old stories!" Dad sed, "2 l8!"

Then I decided 2 distract him by talking sum more abt the story he'd just told. "Dad," I sed, "Don't U think that maybe the reason 4 all those ppl thinking of dentists' offices as torture chambers was cuz they had bad xxperiences w/dentists?" Dad sed, "Yes, of course. We talk abt this @ dental conventions all the time. And it's actually not as bad as it used 2 B, b-cuz the older ppl who had the worst dental xxperiences R dying off. And so R their dentists." I sed, "The brite side of death and decrepitude?" And Dad sed, "U betcha."

That's it 4 now. Stay tuned, if U dare, cuz we'll prolly have more of this thru Saturday, @ least.

Jeremy, we totally hafta tune out Ger when he talks 2 us. He's gotta cut back on that. The talking 2 us, that is.

Apes

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12 Comments:

  • At 1:13 PM, Anonymous Sam Driver said…

    Dr. Patterson,

    Calling all lawyers crooks is exactly the kind of attitude which has kept my wife, Abby from inviting you and your family to Spencer Farms all these years. It’s too bad you still feel this way, because I have always thought your daughters would get along well with Abby’s adopted daughters, Neddy and Sophie.

    Sam Driver
    Attorney-at-law

     
  • At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Jean Baker said…

    Hello, April, I just finished having tea with your father. As he told you he would, he has indeed shared that story from oh, those many years ago. I said, "Dr. P, are you feeling nostalgic over the old days?" He said, "Not at all, I'm trying to reassure myself that retiring is a great decision."

    Dr. Everett Callahan, who used to be your father's associate, but who eventually purchased the practice from him, came into our break room right around that time, and he said, "Whoa, I don't know how you can walk away from dentistry, John! Nothing makes me happier than improving the smile of our patients. I can't tell you how excited I get over all that we can do with modern dentistry. We still get some fogies who are afaid of the dentist, but it makes me happy to know that we have younger patients who don't have any negative associations with the dentist!"

    Your father asked, "Doesn't anyone ever come up to you at a party and insult you?" Everett said, "No way! Just the other day, I was at a cocktail party, and this awesome couple came up to me. The guy said, "Dr. C? I just want to thank you for taking such good care of our little girl, Gwendolyn!" And the chick said, "Gwennie loves you, Dr. C! It was so smart of you to put a DVD player in your exam room and put toys and that Legoland video game in your waiting room. Whenever someone says 'dentist,' Gwennie says, 'Gwennie go to the dentist! Play Legoland, watch Finding Nemo!'" Then the chick hugged me.

    April, your father sobbed a bit and said, "I guess I got into this gig at the wrong time!"

    Uh-oh, your dad is crying again, April. Gotta go!

    Jean Baker

     
  • At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Jeff Byrd said…

    Dr. Patterson,

    My partner Alanna Wolff and I have a hard enough time dealing with the poor publicity we get from some of our more ominous clientele, without having a well-known personality such as yourself spreading the old story that all lawyers are crooks. The next time you need to deal with a lawsuit from the ghost of your dead dog Farley, you can call on some other law office.

    Sincerely,
    Jeff Byrd
    Wolff & Byrd, Supernatural Law

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i just wanna let all the lawyer peeps out there that i don't share my dad's low opinion of the legal profession, and neither do ne of my friends (especially duncan anderson)!

    apes

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Harvey Birdman said…

    Dr. Patterson,

    John. May I call you John? Judge Hiram Mightor and I were hanging around The Bird Lair, with Avenger, my pet eagle, wondering what evil villains we would get to prosecute next. Then I got a call from Falcon-7, my pipe-smoking, patch-eyed contact in Inter-Nation Security, passing on this joke you told back in 1979 about lawyers and have, for reasons beyond the comprehension of this crime fighter and lawyer, decided to tell again, 29 years later. Let’s just say the joke did not sit too well with Mightor and me. I don’t think we will be inviting you to spend time with us at The Bird Lair any time soon and you are missing out. There is nothing like being in a secret hideout in an extinct volcano. Keep your slanderous jokes away from "Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law".

    Harvey Birdman
    Attorney at Law

     
  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Jennifer Walters said…

    April,

    Sam Driver, Jeff Byrd, and even Harvey Birdman have good reason to be offended by what your father said. I am quite glad he has not passed on this bias he has against lawyers to his children. However, the reason I stay away from your father doesn’t have anything to do with his insensitivity towards lawyers. It mainly has to do with the way he tries to look at my breasts, every time I hulk out and turn into She-Hulk. A true gentleman would turn his head whenever his lawyer shredded her clothing changing into a 7-foot green woman.

    Jennifer Walters
    She-Hulk and Attorney-at-law

     
  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I think some people have seen Jean Baker sharing coffee or tea with Dad and he was crying a lot and hugging her, and drawn the wrong conclusion. Please tell your readers that, despite the fact that these actions are more intimate than he has been with mom in years, does not mean that he and Jean Baker are having an affair. Anthony Caine has told me there is more to having an affair with a married man than sharing intimate thoughts, coffee and really close hugs. That’s sort of thing that people who are just close friends, but may some day get married, do. I am sure you and your readers can make the distinction.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i guess this xxplainz y those peeps w/the “dr. john patterson, unfair 2 lawyers in 1979 & 2day” signs were in front of ur dad’s building. az 4 me, i can’t w8 till 3 pm. supposedly the leafs r gonna announce they r finally get rid of coach paul maurice, who gave us 2 more years of the leafs outa the playoffs.

    duncan sed he wunted 2 celebr8 if that wuz the newz. i dunno if eva iz gonna be w/him, but u know, evah since he got back frum barbados, u don't c duncan unless eva iz w/him.

     
  • At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    Jeremy,

    Of course I'll be there! What have you heard?

    Eva

     
  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i guess that xxplains what dunc has been muttering abt 2day. i was wondering!

    apes

     
  • At 3:35 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Mom called me over to look at a new picture on her website. She said to me, “Mike, I especially want you to see, because you are in it.” So, I got up from typing and walked down the road to Mom’s house. There was this picture of mom with a plastic sack of groceries in the left hand, some little girl on her back in a backpack who has dislocated her right arm and is giving a thumbs-up to someone, a purse over her right shoulder, and a kid who looks like my son grabbing her right arm and his jaw has fallen off his face. Each of the kids are saying, “Mom. Ma. Mommy” over and over again. Mom said, “What do you think of the picture?” I said, “Well, we didn’t have plastic grocery sacks back in 1979. The ‘paper or plastic’ option was later.” Mom said, “No, Michael. Don’t I look regal? We are thinking about having the title of the picture be: “Motherhood…It’s a ‘calling.’ Happy Mother’s Day!” I said, “’A calling’, like some kind of religious ‘calling’”? Mom said, “No. It is like an inner conviction that leads you to some sort of action.” I said, “And the action is to get groceries?” Mom said, “Michael James Patterson. You are starting to frustrate me.” I said, “That’s Michael Thomas Patterson.” Mom said, “Oh right. I forgot that James was not a solidified name for you.”

    Mom said, “So what do you think of the picture, aside from the plastic bag?” I said, “Well, it doesn’t look like you. You were a lot tougher.” Mom seemed to like this. She said, “Tougher? Than even this picture?” I said, “You would carry Lizzie on your back, your purse, and 2 paper sacks of groceries” and I showed her my picture of the time mom wouldn’t carry my plane. Mom said, “Yes, but in your picture I look miserable and my eyes are all bulgy. In my picture, I look regal.” I said, “But you dressed better back in 1979, and your nose was a regular size.” Mom said, “My nose has always looked that way.” I said, “No it hasn’t. It used to be petite.” Mom said, “If my nose were petite, no one would recognize me. Let me assure you that after September comes, if anyone tells any stories about me to expand on the stories that everyone knows, I will look just like in this picture.” I said, “Oh. OK.” Mom didn’t seem like she was in the mood to argue.

    So, if mom asks you to look at a picture, be prepared to lie.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mom sed, "i wd show u sum pictures, but u r a martian so i don't trust u 2 b objective."

    apes

     

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