April's Real Blog

Friday, January 04, 2008

Dehaggification Project

Aw, d00dz, who went an' told my Mom abt Photoshop?

During Connie's visit w/Mom on New Year's Day, Connie was all, "When did it start, El?" When Mom asked Connie what she meant, Connie went, "Getting old." LOLOL on that, cuz I heard these women have been fretting abt "getting old" since approximately age 30. When did they ever enjoy NOT being old? NEway, Connie went on, all, "I mean, we noticed subtle things... a few lines, a few grey hairs, but the BIG changes seem to have come.... All of a sudden! Like, one minute U're an attractive woman--and the next, U're looking @ sum1 U hardly recognize! And there isn't an xxercise or a diet or a cream... There's nuthing U can do 2 make yrself look the way U FEEL!" Mom sed, "Yes there is, Connie. ....Photoshop."

And don't think she's kidding. Mom gave me one of those boot-sized shoe boxes, totally full of pix, and sed, "April, U have 2 scan these in2 yr computer and the Photoshop me 2 make me look yunger!" I was like, "Y wd U do that? Every1 who knows U can look @ U and look @ the pix and know they were altered." Mom sed, "Ppl back home in Vancouver, who haven't C'n me since high school, don't know what I look like now. The next time the alumni association puts 2gether an illustr8ed directory, I want them 2 have GOOD pictures of me!" I sed, "Mom, if U R so interested in Photoshop, mayB U can learn howta use it?" Mom was all, "Nonsense! I'm a bizzy retiree. What else do U have going on?" I sed, "In case U haven't noticed, I M taking hard courses @ school cuz I need them as pre-reqs 2 get in2 a pre-vet programme next yr. I have xxams starting up next month, and the new semester starts Monday. On top of that, I still work @ Lilliput's...." And Mom sed, "U can consider this a lesson in juggling yr schedule!" And she dumped the box in2 my lap.


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  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Maybe if your Mom wasn't always in such a foul temper, she wouldn't need to be prettified. All the needless fretting she does about non-issues has got to have put at least twenty years on her appearance. It's too bad Jim can't say anything more than "No, No, No, BOXCAR!" nowadays. He'd set her straight, no problem. He never did have any patience with her blathering about how oooooooold she was.

  • At 12:10 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Thanks ever so much for your photoshopping of mom’s pictures. Mom was not thrilled to find that you had photoshopped in pictures of Benjamin Franklin over her pictures and then added in captions of Mr. Franklin’s favourite sayings like: “All would live long, but none would be old.” Or “At 20 years of age the will reigns, at 30 the wit, at 40 the judgment.” Or “I am in the prime of senility.” Or “If you wouldst live long, live well, for folly and wickedness shorten life.” Or “To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals.” Or “Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.”

    Very funny. However, I will admit that Benjamin Franklin has less wrinkles, better hair and a more petite nose than mom. In any case, mom told me to fix your photoshopped fixes. I protested that I was busy with my second novel Breaking the Windjammer; but she informed me that making her look better without having to resort to diet, exercise or skin cream was more important than any book. When she's right, she's right.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:40 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, that wuz fun @findin’ all those benjamin franklin pics w/u, altho it wuz kinda scary how much ur mom looked like him, especially wen her hair iz down. i didn’t evn mind how u kept mutterin’ “xxercise. rhinoplasty.” ovah & ovah.

    then wen u sed 2 me, “jeremy. wut u do if i wuz like an attractive woman & then all of a sudden, there were all these big changes 2 me & i look completely diff so peeps wudn’t know who i wuz?” @1st i thot it wuz 1 of thoze trick questions girls like 2 ask guys sumtymes like, “duz this dress make me look fat?” so i sed, “no1 changez like that sudden.” & u sed, “connie poirier did.”

    then i cud tell u were rilly serious, like it wuz sumthin’ that u were rilly worried ‘bout. thass y i sed, “ur u, no mattah wut u look like.” i mean, like ur mom. she usedta b kinda pretty, if sum of thoze old pics of her r right. but even wen she wuz pretty, she usedta yell & growl @peeps. i think no mattah how old she got, if i heard that yellin’ & growlin’ frum ur mom, i wud know it wuz her, cuz thass how she treats her fam. my mom tellz me “elly patterson has been shriekin’ & screamin’ @peeps in mboro for almost 30 years.” so, it wuz true evn b4 i wuz born & u were born. if peeps who hadn’t seen ur mom in 30 years saw her 2day & thot she wuz ben franklin, once they heard her scream @sum1, then they wud know it wuzn’t ben franklin, but it wuz ur mom.

    neway, thass y i will know it’s u if u kinda change sudden. those thingz that make u u, don’t go away. thass wut i wuz tryin’ 2 say when u started w/kiss #92 & moira kinney sed it wuz tyme 4 me 2 leave lilliput’s so u cud go back 2 work.

    i can’t w8 till u get off work frum lilliput’s 2nite.

  • At 1:32 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I am so confused, Mom has always been giving lectures about how only whores and evil people are beautiful, and good salt of the earth people are kind of ugly, and look very ugly in old age, but now Mom wants to be Photoshopped into prettiness, does she want to be an evil whore?, I called her up this morning to ask, and she said, "Don't worry, dear, all of this will be forgotten tomorrow," at which point I got very angry and screamed into the phone, "Then why can't we talk about something important, like how I need to get engaged already?!?" and Mom said, "Hush, just be patient, and oh, Connie says you've earned a coupon for a free tin of salve," I slammed down the phone, there is no point talking to her sometimes, especially since I heard her start yelling at April in the background, something about "I want to look less like your father in a wig!!!", sheesh, you would think in her retirement she would have time to fix up my love life but no, all she does is hang out in her pjs and scream at April, doesn't she care anymore, also, why is Connie still popping over now that Mom is in the train house, isn't that kind of far for someone who looks as old as Grandpa Jack to walk all alone?


  • At 3:02 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. You have asked the question why it is that Connie Poirier has taken the time to walk all the way over to mom’s house to talk about how ugly she is, when she lives right next door to me. I would think the answer is obvious. The residents of the Sharon Park Drive house are no longer ugly. There is me, my lovely wife Deanna, and my daughter who looks like a miniature European model. Even my son looks like I did when I was his age, except he has a sclera, which I didn’t develop until I was older. Connie wants to commiserate with someone just as ugly as she is and who is there better for that than mom?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 4:18 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    As usual you missed my whole point, I know why Connie would WANT to walk that far, because Mom is living somewhere else now, but the question is HOW CAN SHE DO IT?, and IS IT SAFE?, because of her advanced age, if you look at her face, you can see she is at least 80, and should probably be locked up at the Seniors Living Palace with those old people who came to Christmas dinner, really, where they can get round the clock free nursing care from a fat old lady named Irene and all the prime rib they can eat, don't you think that is a better alternative to wandering the streets confused and alone?, also April, could you ask Mom about this coupon Connie Poirier gave me for the Mrs. Thomas's Hand Salve, it says that buying 10 tins gets you the 11th free, but what if I am only buying the 3 oz tins instead of the 7 oz, and yes, they are labeled in ounces, and not milligrams or whatever, this is MILBOROUGH, so save your comments about metric for your stupid friends, I mean really, I don't even know where you learned metrics, we don't teach them in the Milborough school system.


  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. I understand what you are saying now. You have, like Connie Poirier, mistakenly presumed that her ugliness is due to her age. My new neighbour, Greg, who is Connie’s husband, tells me that Connie exercises all the time and has a pretty good body from the neck down. He says that sometimes he gets confused looking at her face and thinks she is a lot older, and then has to close his eyes before he starts to get sick.

    Apparently, a little over a decade ago, Connie went from a cute middle-aged woman to ugly-as-sin almost overnight. He said it was about the same time that mom’s nose started growing to be almost the same size as her head to ugly her up. I remember that time well, because I am sure it was about the same time I got over my Oedipus complex.

    Let me assure you that Connie Poirier is strong enough to walk to mom’s house and back. Not everyone is clumsy enough to slip on ice and break their leg like you did to get Anthony Caine’s attention back on New Years’ 2005. Besides, if Connie Poirier slipped on the ice and broke her leg, the rescue workers would have to cover her face first before rescuing her, and by then it might be too late to save her. I have a scene like that in my new novel Breaking the Windjammer, where the crew fight a sea monster so hideous, they have to defeat it blind-folded. I call the monster, the Poirierconster.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 helping with the ben franklin pix, jeremy. it was fun doing the fotoshopping, and mom can't say that i didn't do what she asked me 2 do, since all she sed was she wanted me 2 make her look yunger. franklin definitely looked yunger (and girlier) than mom.

    also, thanx 4 saying thoze comforting things. we get such scary things happening in mboro.

    liz, they do so teach metric in our school system now. @ least in all the classrooms other than yrs!

    oh, and i tried asking connie abt salve, but she sed i was 2 yung 2 b told nething abt it.



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