April's Real Blog

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Happy New Platitudes

Huh, so I guess we're already dun discussing my NYE. That was quick. I just got back fr. Toronto. Dunc and I ended up staying up all nite talking @ the Horny T's where we met, near Trinity College, where Zandra is letting him stay while she's w/her fam and he w8's 4 his flite back 2 Barbados tomorrow.

So, on New Year's Day, I'd managed 2 get a bit of post-party sleep and was making sum oatmeal 4 brekky, when Mike burst thru the door, all, "Happy New Life!" I'm like, "Bwuh?" Then he sed that when he and Dee were lying in bed [ew!] that morning, she'd been like, "Good morning, Michael." And he'd been all, "Good morning, Dee." He sed they wrapped their arms around each other, even though Dee's rite arm seemed disturbingly foreshortened, and Dee sed, "Happy New Year!" He replied, "Yes... It's going 2 B a happy new year." Dee actually asked him, "How do U know?" And of course he answered, "Um... I just feel it. U know.... Like sumthing feels rite, and good, and positive. I feel there's a lot 2 look 4ward 2." Dee sed, "Yeah!" Then she squeezed her hed against his and sed, "Then... MayB what we're saying is 'Happy New Life." And Mike sed, "MayB it is." Then after telling me all this, Mike sed, "April, isn't that GREAT? Isn't it so xxciting! And wonderful?" I was like, "If U say so. Do U have 2 shout?"

Mike gave me a smug look and sed, "Oh, my, does my formerly little sis have a HANGOVER?" I sed, "No, of course not. And quit yelling at me!" He sed, "Oh, this is priceless. W8 until I tell Dad, so he can torment U. He's gr8 @ that!" I sed, "I'm not hungover, I'm just tired. Leave me alone, wd U? And quit being so loud!" Then Mike sed, "Oh, I almost 4got what I came 4. Mom sez U can babysit 2nite! Dee and I need 2 celebr8 our new life!" I sed, "No, Mike, I need 48-hr notice, @ least. I have plans 2nite...." And he sed, "Yr friend Jeremy can help babysit, and do sum chores around the house, of course." I sed, "No, Mike, I'm going out w/a group of friends." He sed, "U were going 2 go out w/a group of friends. U know Mom has the ultimate rite 2 veto yr plans!" And I sed, "I can't w8 2 get outta Mboro!"

But as U know, I ended up in TO w/Duncan. Mua-ha-ha. I think they mighta gotten Francie Caine 2 babysit, or mayB Rosemary Mayes.

Hm, now I've gotta try an' remember who I'm d8ing. Ger or Jer.


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  • At 6:47 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I don't he should be crowing about you maybe nursing a hangover. Listening to dialogue like that would give a Mormon a splitting headache, dizziness and the dry heaves.

  • At 1:16 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    AUGH, are you as frustrated as me?, I mean, you and I had some very interesting stories this New Years, namely 1) me and Anthony finally "making a home" together and 2) you and Gerald were magically a couple again, as proved by the fact he did the ass hoist on you, but what do we get, everyone talking about Mike and Dee laying around in bed, talking about getting a new life when the truth is they already have their new life and got it like sometime around New Years LAST YEAR and nothing new is going to happen to them starting this year, they are already settled in the family house and have their two kids and Mike quit his job and sold his book already, it is not a new story, meanwhile I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs for it to be time for me to be officially engaged, which everyone was sure would happen this New Years, but it didn't, instead I just got unofficially pre-engaged, which is not as romantic as it sounds, it means you live this awful in-between life where all your stuff is over at your crummy apartment and you have to go there to get clothes and feed your cat (who is back by the way) and your pre-fiance's house where you have to put up with his brat daughter and touch his man-thing at night, it's awful.

    Also, it got more awful this morning, I got up to go to work, and I was bunning up my hair when Anthony finally looked away from the mirror where he was straightening his tie (which takes like 20 minutes) and he was all angry, he demanded, "What are you doing? Why are you wearing that jumper and putting your hair in a bun?" and I said, "Duh, school starts back today!" and Anthony's eyes bugged out and he cried, "School?!? You're going to keep WORKING?!? But I thought you were going to give me a hoooooooooooome!" He stamped his foot and started to cry, and he screamed a lot of horrible things at me, like I am no better than a French businesswoman/prostitute, except I don't put out, and it got very ugly, I reminded him we were not married or even officially engaged, and I demanded to know when that was going to happen, and Anthony told me he used up all his gumption after Christmas dinner, and it would take awhile to recharge, and I asked when I could expect my proposal, and he said probably not for another couple of years, and then I started stamping my foot and crying, and so we both stood there together, foot-stamping and crying until Gordon and my principal called to find out where the heck we were, so we were late to work, and then I got hauled in to a special conference at noon, where Mom and this 60 year old woman who claimed to be the Good Witch told me I needed to hold on, that my "story" is going to take awhile to tell because it has to be done with proper mystery, and I pointed out it could use less mystery and more proposing, and the Good Witch and I really got into it, I asked her why she is wasting time with Mike when I have unfinished business, and she said Mike is the most important character, and I said he was a wimpy bore, and she said, "But he's the boy child!", and I said, "But he's not even a real man! He's gay and his wife supports him!" and she screamed, "But he's a best-selling author!" and I screamed, "Only in Milborough!" and on and on it went until I was finally threatened with erasure if I didn't go back to being a demure and proper Patterson, so I am back to giving grudging handjobs and using this product called "Mrs. Thomas's Hand Salve for Ladies of Questionable Virtue" until further notice.


  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, yeah, i don't understand y we hafta cut away from our stories where sumthing mite actually b happening over 2 mike, where nuthin' happens. and i'm surprised @ myself 4 being abt 2 say this, but wtg w/standing up 2 the witch like that! wow, u got so spineful! r u sure u even wanna marry anthony? it soundz like he treats u kinda mean. what if we cd run away, like 2 vancouver. mayB u cd go back 2 school 2 study art, and-- w8, i just had this weird flash in my head, like a vision. if we did that, i'd stop xxisting 4 sum reason.

    but mayB there's a way out. mayB we can find a better life?


  • At 7:19 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Im @ the Reindeer Resto w/ Zed & Enid. Zed picked me up this am, & Im staying w/ her @ the Larsons 2nite. Zed says u can stay ovah 2, if u want, & come 2 the airport w/ us 2morrow. Call her 4 directions.

    Zed's roomie came back erly. I was in Zeds bed, almost asleep, when the lite went on. I hid under the covahs, but her roomie ripped them off me. OMG. Her roomies the Picton Peeler. She must of transferred from Sir Mackenzie Bowell Uni.

    Zenia said shes bored w/ the Venus Butterfly & wanted 2 try "sumthing new" w/ me. She had ropes & candles & pins & sumthing that looked sorta like a giant baby soother. I was outta there. I hid in the hallways all nite. Man, it was cold. I should of brot sum pjs w/ me.

    I w8ed till I was sure Zenia had left & of course I was locked outta the room. I had 2 go 2 the porter. The porter d00d gave me a Harry Potter gown 2 wear while I was w8ing 4 Zed 2 come & get my clothes & stuff outta the room 4 me. Zenia says the porters used 2 d00ds running away fr Zenia.

    NEway, I feel alot better now Im away from that psycho & Zeds b-ing nice 2 me again. She even bot me sum new fake id 4 a bl8d Xmas pressie.


    Yr best bud,

    p.s. I bet Liz was rilly, rilly pissed when she got 2 skool this am & remembered classes dont start til Monday. LOL!

  • At 7:25 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Man, oh, man, 2 many pitchers of the good Canuck stuff.

    It should b

    Zed says the porters used 2 d00ds running away fr Zenia.

    C u l8r.

  • At 9:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m @ the larsons' place an' we r abt 2 watch sum dvd zandra sez is like the best movie evah. i wonder what it is. dunc whispered, "she watches this @least 3x a month."


  • At 11:38 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Now you are just talking crazy, leave Milborough and not marry my childhood sweetheart?, you better stop saying things like that, talk like that will get you locked up in the Johnston Institute for Better Living Reprogramming Camp/Hospital, I just want to be married already, the only mean treatment I am getting is that I'm not getting proposed to, and my hands are all chapped, sheesh April, just when I thought you were finally getting wise to the right way of living (namely staying with your childhood sweetheart) you go and say dumb stuff like this, geez.



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