We're making the rounds I guess
So, I told U abt my NYE, and also abt Mike's New Year's morning. Now I'm abt 2 tell U abt Mom on New Year's day. Stand by 2 find out what Liz an' Anthony and Gramps an' Iris were up 2 this past Tuesday.
Yeah, well, Mom. Mom was in the kitchen and I was in the next room, comparing my Traits of Dog Breeds book against Edgar and Dixie. No way Dix is a sheltie, yo! NEway, I heard the door opening, letting in a blast of air so forceful it looked like a puff with a tail. I heard Connie saying, "Elly, may I come in?" And Mom answering, "Sure, but I'm still in my pyjamas!" Connie was all, "Good! I just wanted 2 come over and wish U a happy 2008." Mom was like, "Coffee?" Cuz she can't have a convo w/sum1 w/out hot beverages. And Connie sed, "Mais, Oui!" And Mom was like, "Connie, must U speak French? I thought U got over this whole 'being French-Canadian' thing." J/K. She w8ed until Connie was gone 2 comment on that. Once Mom had made coffee, I heard Connie asking her what she did the night B4, and Mom answering, "Watched T.V. and fell asleep B4 midnite." Connie: "So did we." Mom was like, "My gosh, I have no makeup on, my hair's a mess, I look terrible!" Tho truth B told, she looked better than usual cuz her hair was down 4 a change. Connie sed, "Me 2!" Then, "Hey, we used 2 drink and party all nite in order 2 look like this!" LOLOLOL. Not. As if NE1 parties all nite cuz they wanna look bad the next day. They party all nite in spite of how they'll look [and feel] the next day. Duh.
So NE guesses as 2 who's next in the "how we spent New Year's" line-up? We'll prolly have two more days of these stories. I'm guessing Liz/Anthony 2morrow and Gramps/Iris [again!] Saturday. We mite get 2 skip over Gramps/Iris, cuz we talked abt them on Sunday, but U know how Sundays have this weird, separate thing 2 them.
Apes
Yeah, well, Mom. Mom was in the kitchen and I was in the next room, comparing my Traits of Dog Breeds book against Edgar and Dixie. No way Dix is a sheltie, yo! NEway, I heard the door opening, letting in a blast of air so forceful it looked like a puff with a tail. I heard Connie saying, "Elly, may I come in?" And Mom answering, "Sure, but I'm still in my pyjamas!" Connie was all, "Good! I just wanted 2 come over and wish U a happy 2008." Mom was like, "Coffee?" Cuz she can't have a convo w/sum1 w/out hot beverages. And Connie sed, "Mais, Oui!" And Mom was like, "Connie, must U speak French? I thought U got over this whole 'being French-Canadian' thing." J/K. She w8ed until Connie was gone 2 comment on that. Once Mom had made coffee, I heard Connie asking her what she did the night B4, and Mom answering, "Watched T.V. and fell asleep B4 midnite." Connie: "So did we." Mom was like, "My gosh, I have no makeup on, my hair's a mess, I look terrible!" Tho truth B told, she looked better than usual cuz her hair was down 4 a change. Connie sed, "Me 2!" Then, "Hey, we used 2 drink and party all nite in order 2 look like this!" LOLOLOL. Not. As if NE1 parties all nite cuz they wanna look bad the next day. They party all nite in spite of how they'll look [and feel] the next day. Duh.
So NE guesses as 2 who's next in the "how we spent New Year's" line-up? We'll prolly have two more days of these stories. I'm guessing Liz/Anthony 2morrow and Gramps/Iris [again!] Saturday. We mite get 2 skip over Gramps/Iris, cuz we talked abt them on Sunday, but U know how Sundays have this weird, separate thing 2 them.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:06 AM
9 Comments:
At 6:59 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
Notice she didn't mention what your dad did New Year's Eve. SHE fell asleep way before midnight. HE greeted you at the door with a lame excuse, unless I miss my guess.
At 12:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. It is a joy to wake up in the morning and to have a wife to look at who doesn’t look terrible when her hair is a mess and she hasn’t put on her makeup or put that stuff on her lips to make them all puffy. Your description of the conversation between mom and Connie Poirier reminded me how fortunate I am to be married to the lovely Deanna, whose hair always looks the same, no matter if she has been sleeping on it. When you consider that you and Elizabeth will head down the same appearance path as mom eventually, I feel a certain degree of sympathy for Anthony Caine and Gerald Delaney-Forsythe, who someday will have to a face your mom-like faces in the morning. A shudder just went down my spine at the thought of it.
As for Connie Poirier, it’s unusual for a woman to confess that excessive alcohol consumption led to her current appearance. I used to think that Connie’s face got into some kind of accident, or she got a blood transfusion from Grandpa Jim and that affected her appearance to make her look more like him, or it was some kind of weird sex disease from her years of slutty behaviour. But since you reminded me of Connie’s French Canadian background, the idea of her being ugly from being a lush makes more sense now. Thanks for that reminder.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Mike,
Don't get so smug, your wife has short blonde hair, that means she is going to end up looking like Connie Poirier, who is even more dog-faced and manly than Mom, but you will probably like that!!!, anyway, I hope tomorrow is my turn, and that I get an official engagement, I don't know who invented this pre-engagement stuff (Gerald?) but it totally sucks, all it is is an excuse to get certain sexy stuff, whenever I pull out my copy of Canadian Bride Anthony reminds me we are not real-engaged yet and we can't put down deposits or save dates on fancy churches or country clubs or anything yet!!!, but oh I do have to prove what a great (step)mom I will be by always taking care of Frenchy while Anthony plays World of Warcraft after work for hours on end, I think this pre-engagement stuff was invented by men so they would have a time when they are in control of the relationship, unlike what happens after engagement, when control rightly goes back to the woman, or so my Milborough Book on Marriage and Babies tells me.
Liz
At 1:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’ve been kinda depressed evah since new years’ az u know.
lissen. i’m tryin’ 2 unnerstand the biz of goin’ 2 a new years’ party w/gerald & how it’s 8 couples & how it wuz set up a long tyme ago & how the party hadda b couples only & how it wudn’t b fair 2 gerald if it wuz @his house & he wuzn’t 1 of the couplez & how u felt like u owed him cuz u broke up ur band which cost him a lotta money frum all the xmas parties he coulda played & how u felt like u & gerald still had sum issues 2 work out. i’m not gonna say it didn’t hurt, cuz it did. i’m just tryin’ 2 unnerstand it.
so, i haven’t rilly been innerested in talkin’ ‘bout how ur bro had a good mornin’ or how ur mom thinks she looks ugly w/o makeup or w/her hair down. cuz u know, i ran n2 gerald & he’z all ‘bout how he lifted u up by ur butt all nite long & how he haz a souvenir frum the nite with u & it’s sum of ur hair in between his teeth frum where he spent the nite kissin’ u on ur bangs. &he’z all talkin’ ‘bout how i can think i am d8in’ u, but in reality there’s sum kinda thing w/pattersons how they r nevah rilly evah broken up w/their 1st bf, & he talks ‘bout how ur sis wuz w/anthony caine evn tho he wuz married & had a kid w/sum1 else az an xxample. & wut proof do i have that he’z wrong?
i mean i like u. rilly like u. i’ve liked u4 a long tyme. but am i gonna always hafta live w/seein’ gerald w/ur hair stuck between his teeth?
At 1:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. You may wish that my lovely Deanna will someday look like Connie Poirier, but I know it will not happen. After all, Deanna has already had a car accident which injured her face while she was in university, and she simply came out of it even better-looking than before. With Deanna, my fear is that she might take on the appearance of her loathsome mother; but Deanna assures me that if she ever started to look like her mother she knows some pills she can take which will end it all. It’s so good to be married to a pharmacist, who is trained in the art of beauty-making drugs.
As for you and your engagement, my conversations with Anthony Caine on the matter have been frustrating. It looks bad for people to think that a Patterson woman would live in sin, even if it is with her childhood sweetheart. Cheeze, it was hard for me as a Patterson man, which is why I told everyone (except my in-laws) about my first secret marriage. As I have been told, Anthony Caine had thought about proposing on the side of the road in front of your apartment after Christmas Dinner; but it was too romantic a situation. I think he may be looking for a time which is even less romantic, like while raking his yard or while cleaning up one of his little half-Quebecoise child’s messes or while peeling onions for his dinner. It may sound unusual, but there is a method to his madness. Apparently, when he proposed to the Quebecois woman, it was over a romantic candlelight dinner, after an evening of elegant ballroom dancing. He wants your proposal to be the exact opposite, to show that your relationship will not be anything like it was with the Quebecois woman. Look around for very unromantic things to do, and that may inspire him. Do have any pigs you can slop?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am officially not talking to Mom, I was furious when I opened the Milborough Shop 'n Saver this morning and found out that today's Topic of Conversation was about how ugly Mom and Connie Poirier have gotten, I mean of course it is true, but do we really have to talk about it?, I would venture a guess that most of us would rather not think about it at all, and besides, who is Mom trying to kid, she never wears any makeup, sure, she talks about it sometimes, like "Geez, I should really put on some makeup!" or "I look horrible, I have no makeup on!" or "Some makeup would really help cover up some of these lines and shadows and bags and discolorations!" but she never actually wears any, I mean, one time I saw her put on some eyeshadow, but it was in a nude color and you could hardly tell, and she's always saying how rouge is for whores, and that kind of thing, anyway, my point is, there are better stories to be discussed!!!, like me and Anthony and whether we are pre-engaged or engaged, this is an important gray area to clear up, and also, whether you and Gerald are still a couple, I'm crossing my fingers for you that you are!!!, like a good big sister would, and instead we are having to open our newspapers and look at an artist's rendering of Mom and Connie talking, and realize that this is exactly the way Dee and I will look in 30 years, because Mike if you pay close attention, Connie and Dee have the same haircut almost, and if you will notice, Connie is looking even more manly than Mom, she looks like that old guy who came to Christmas dinner and didn't talk the whole time, man that guy was rude!, who was he again?, anyway, I have to go now, if I don't get dinner on the table by the time Anthony gets home and have Frenchy dressed cutely, he threatens me we will never get married, sheesh!
Liz
At 6:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, every1, sorry i haven't been posting 2day. moira asked me 2 help out @ lilliput's cuz she's been swamped by ppl who got stone season as an xmas gift and want 2 return it. and the ppl whose books moira won't take on acct of their having inscriptions in them, from mike? r all, "that is SO unfair!" it was a bizzy, bizzy day.
dc2, dad was kinda peeved w/me cuz he w8ed up, and i didn't get home until abt 4 AM. i sed i didn't know y he was so mad, it wasn't like he gave me a curfew 4 the nite or nething like that.
mike, i do NOT hafta grow up 2 look like mom. xxercise. rhinoplasty. and if all else fails, i can get sum of dee's pills.
jeremy, don't let ger get 2 u. i was annoyed w/him 4 being all "let's just think abt now cuz it's easier," after he'd gotten me 2 b a "couple" 4 the evening as a favour 2 him, and 2 work out sum issues, like u sed. now he's just trying 2 mess w/u cuz he knows he's out of luck. don't worry, u'll get 2 have my hair stuck betw yr teeth!
liz, ita abt mom an' connie discussing b-ing uggo's is v. boring.
apes
At 7:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. Thank you for pointing me to the Milborough Shop 'n Saver. When I read that today's Topic of Conversation was about how ugly Mom and Connie Poirier have gotten, I was also furious. As you may know, the Milborough Shop 'n Saver is one of the few newspapers left who still carries my weekly column "Edgewise" (meaning I get to put a word in edgewise). After I had finished my masterful 12-part series on how low the quality of Portrait Magazine has gotten since I left, and my superb 12-part series on how Stone Season is one of the best edited books around thanks to mom; I had begun my usual holiday favourite series of how wonderful our mother is. Then this article appeared. I called up the editor of the Milborough Shop 'n Saver and asked what was going on, and he gave me some story about giving the other point of view a chance and so there it is. I spend a few months of my column talking about all the great things our mother does in Milborough; and some whiner, some complainer, some person who doesn’t realize that they should be grateful that Elly Patterson lives in Milborough feels the need to write some idiotic column making fun of the way she and Connie Poirier look. I don’t know who this Fiona Brass is, but if I ever meet in him in public, then he will get a taste of the Patterson fingers of fury. I will type up a column talking about the way he looks and call it “Briona Fass: A Vision of Ugliness”. There’s nothing like revenge through the print media using fake names, I say.
As for your comment that my lovely Deanna will ever look like Connie Poirier, all I can say is “only if a cement mixer rolls over her face 5 or 6 times”.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, don’t take this the wrong way, but i wud kinda not like 2 have ur hair stuck tween my teeth. i know gerald wuz tauntin’ me w/ur hair tween his teeth; but there’s sumthin’ kinda weird ‘bout seeing hair in sum1’s teeth that has a bun & a hair clip on it, eh? ‘sides he kinda left a little bald spot on u, where ur bangz look a little like shannon lake’s bangs. don’t worry tho. i’m sure it will grow back out soon. it still looks good, i think. i don’t think ne1 will notice who iznt’ lookin’ 4 it.
it’s just i’m more kind of a guy who likes 2 run my hands thru ur hair, nstead puttin’ it in my mouth. not 2 say ur hair iz dirty or nethin’ like that, cuz it’s not. it’s rilly clean & shiny & pretty & stuff. i mean if there wuz ne1’s hair i wud want 2 put in my mouth, it wud b urs. it’s just if i am gonna put my mouth on sum part of ur body, there’s bettah places, eh?
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