April's Real Blog

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Legacies and Stranger Danger

Mike wrote in w/another needless blast from the past:
April,

Formerly little sis. I stopped by mom’s house to get a butter tart this morning for my daughter and me, as I was driving my daughter to school. You may remember that my daughter is enrolled at H.G. Davis Public School, the same elementary school I went to and it’s 3 blocks away from our house. When we got inside mom’s house, there was mom talking to Connie Poirier about how lazy you are for driving to school instead of taking the bus. When she saw me, she decided to change subjects.

Mom said, “I remember when Michael was little and how much he complained about going to school even from the very beginning when he was in kindergarten.” My daughter’s ears perked up at the possibility of an embarrassing daddy story, so she said, “What did daddy say?” Mom said, “I would put his scarf around his neck and the whole time he would say, ‘How can I walk to kindergarten, ma-it’s freezing out there!’ And then he would raise up his little mittened hand to show 3 fingers up, which you couldn’t tell because he was wearing mittens, and he said, ‘It’s three whole blocks away! --- I’ll DIE!’ Your father complained and complained about walking to kindergarten in the cold and he never once died from it. So I raised up my one finger, which you could tell it was one finger because I was not wearing mittens, and I said, ‘Michael, when I was your age, I walked 6 blocks to school and we didn’t even own a car!’ That shut him up.”

I was grimacing at mom’s delight in being right over my 5-year-old self, when my own 5-year-old said, “But Gramma Elly. What about Stranger Danger? It says: Try not to walk anywhere alone. Walk with a friend.” Then Connie Poirier said, “That’s right, Elly. Things are not the same as they used to be.” Mom said, “What? No. No. No. When I told Mike that back in 1979, it was the same thing my mom told me when I was little, and I even thought bubbled ‘…and I swore I’d never sound like my mother’. You need to say the same thing to your daughter, Michael. It’s a Patterson legacy.”

I said, “Now wait a minute, mom. You told me that buying the family homestead to raise my children as a new generation fills the Patterson legacy. So, the Patterson legacy is my house.” Mom said, “No, the legacy is do everything with your kids, just the way I did it with you.” My daughter said, “What?” Connie Poirier said, “Gramma Elly wants you to walk to school and complain about it, like your dad did.” My daughter said, “But Gramma Elly. Stranger danger! Dad has to take me to school. It’s not safe.” Mom said, “Meredith, when I was your age, my parents sent me out the door to school and did not walk me one step of the way, and we didn’t even own a car!” My daughter said, “Let’s go daddy. I’ll get a Stranger Danger book for you Gramma Elly.” I said, “Right. Let’s go Merrie. It’s freezing out there. We don’t want to die on the way to the car.” Then my daughter and I left with my mother definitely grumbling about “kids these days”.

In the car, my daughter said, “Why did Gramma Elly make you walk to kindergarten alone?” I said, “They didn’t have Stranger Danger back then.” My daughter said, “What did they have?” I said, “Lucky kids.”

Love,
Michael Patterson
Mike, I need you 2 tell me what's missing where I have "[ . . . ?]" If U look back @ yr original post, U can C that part got eaten and the link kinda took over the rest of yr post! [Edited to correct this]

BTW, if it comes up, U mite have fun pting out 2 Mom that she never walks 2 Lilliput's!

Jeremy, don't worry abt the whole back-rub thing. I hafta remember not every guy is like my Dad and my future gets 2 B diff fr. Mom's.

Apes

Labels: , , , , ,

18 Comments:

  • At 6:44 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I gotta back Mike on this one. Your Mom is living in the past; a past when stranger abductions happened, they just didn't make the papers. When I consider all the crap you and your siblings had to endure because she refused to practice vigilance, I can describe Elly Patterson with one word: "RECKLESS!"

     
  • At 8:02 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it's a wonder we've survived. mom stresses over all the wrong stuff and is casual where she shdn't b.

    apes

     
  • At 9:45 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. The complete phrase without the link is:

    I said, “Now wait a minute, mom. You told me that buying the family homestead to raise my children as a new generation fills the Patterson legacy. So, the Patterson legacy is my house.”

    By the way, I will let you know as a Patterson, that link worked great in the Preview, but it messed up when it was published. It was not unlike the Preview copy of Stone Season which had a much larger picture of me on the back cover.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 11:02 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, it's fixed! (do u think yr being a patterson scared blogger? or mayB yr web browser?)

    apes

     
  • At 12:01 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    For one time I got to agree with Mike, but not because there are any kidnappers in Milborough, because there aren't, they aren't allowed in because it says right at the city limits, "Crime types look out, we will look down on you!", but anyway, no, the reason I think Mom is wrong on this is I remember being in kindergarten, and trying to walk home myself, and I would get lost a lot, 3 blocks is a long way, I would get confused, and wind up in random peoples' yards, and also, Mike could never behave himself on those walks to school, one time he tried to sell me to some high school kids for a quarter, and also, him and Lawrence would teach me swear words, and also, I never got even one marriage proposal the whole time I walked to school by myself, I'm sure that if Mom had come along to play matchmaker with some of the kindergarten boys, I would already be happily married with five children, what a slacker she is in her duties.

    Liz

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i cud barely move this mornin’. i think there r sum muscles on my bod i nevah moved b4 ‘till the yoga class last nite, & they decided 2 let me know they exist. wen i wuz hobblin’ n2 skool & kinda makin’ moanin’ noises, @1st i thot u weren’t gonna help me, cuz u sed, “jeremy, wen i wuz 14 years old, i took yoga class & cud still walk 2 skool w/o all that moanin’ & i didn’t even ride in sum1 else’s car!” & then u had this look on ur face like sumthin’ rilly mbarrassin’ happed & thass wen u helped me get up the stairs 2 skool while u were sayin’ “i’m not my mom” ovah & ovah again. oh, & sorry i fell on the stairs & got ur uni muddy. i’ll wash it aftah skool, i promise.

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. I must admit your experience walking to kindergarten did teach me a few things about raising my own kids. Mom may have ignored the 2007-2008 Milborough Guide to Eligible Kindergarteners, when you were growing up; but Michael and Deanna Patterson are much more diligent. Deanna and I have gone through the book and eliminated the children who were not born in Canada, or whose families were not born in Canada in the last 1-3 generations. As Deanna puts it, with only careful scrutiny can we avoid having in-laws like her mom and dad. Then we have prioritized each 5-year-old male by (a) Milborough born, (b) receding hairline and (c) money-making potential, i.e. can they be a success if dad gives them money? Our daughter tells us that her childhood sweetheart is Kevin Narayan, the son of Ardith, who took care of her when she was young; but Deanna and I know better.

    By the way, it wasn’t a quarter, it was a loonie. You mean more to me than just a quarter, slightly older little sis. If you hadn’t breathed on the kid with your Lizard breath, I could have made that sale.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, luckily i keep a spare uni in my locker, cuz u never know what mite happen on ne given day, rite?

    i think that by the time i was in kindy, mom was actively trying 2 get me kidnapped, but obvs it didn't work.

    apes

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    You are so retarded, the 2007-08 Guide to Eligible Kindergarteners wasn't published when I was in kindergarten!!!, actually, Mom says that guide didn't even start to get put out until around ten years ago, before that, Milborough was small enough that parents just knew who the eligible kindergarteners were, the need for a guide was first noticed when April's play group included only Becky (a girl) and Duncan (an ethnic type) and thus no eligible husbands, the town panicked, people thought if a Patterson girl couldn't attract a proper future husband in kindergarten by luck and word of mouth alone, they needed to intervene and provide a guide, but the truth was, Mom just didn't care about April's upbringing, heck, I heard she gave that toy boat to April with malicious aforethinking and paid Farley in dog treats to push April's head under the water, lucky for her that dog was not very well trained, anyway, I am already talking to Anthony about matching up Francoise with a nice boy, though she is only two, she acts like she is seven or eight, which is precariously close to age 11, which is when she will need a pre-pre-fiance, so we have been looking about for a half-Quebecois, half-Milboroughile boy, and sure enough we found one the other day at the play group for children who are trying to cope with having one evil Frenchy parent, his name is Jean-Valjean Robespierre, he is so cute, he is three years old, wears a beret, and smokes Gauloises, he says some French cuss words but his Milboroughizen mother promises that he is going to the Milborough Corrective Academy for Wayward Tots starting next year, now that the boy's Frenchy father is totally out of the picture (as the Frenchies never stay long with their offspring) she is hoping to Milboroughify him some, but I told her, whatever, Francoise can't afford to be picky as the only other prospect in town for a half-French husband is Lawrence Poirier, and that can only be as a backup gay, and I hear he is already backup gay to Beatrice Alfarero's kids on account he is also half-South American, so really, what else can she hope for?, but we are glad to have her settled so young, especially since the rapid aging seems to have taken hold in her, I am just worried she will get married before I do.

    Liz

     
  • At 4:47 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. Of course the 2007-08 Milborough Guide to Eligible Kindergarteners didn’t exist when you were in kindergarten. I hate to inform you that mom’s statement that the guide did not get started to be published until about 10 years ago, is simply to get her off the hook for how she handled your eligible husbands. Back when you were in kindergarten it was called the Barrie Guide to Eligible Kindergarteners or something like that; so technically mom is right. I am not sure when it picked up the name of Milborough in its title. Nevertheless it was a valuable tool for me and one of the reasons I was so successful finding the perfect mate for me, so early in my life. I just wish I had been a little pickier about family ancestry, so I could have a better set of in-laws.

    Congratulations on finding a half-Quebecois, half-Milboroughan boy for your little ½ Quebecoise child, thanks to a divorce of the boy's Frenchy father. I had wondered why the quality of the local poutine place had improved lately, and now I know. Of course, I should have known you would find someone. I certain have never underestimated your power to make things happen, thanks to someone divorcing. Whenever I hear about Milborough of someone getting a divorce, I automatically think good thoughts for you.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 4:55 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it’s a rare day wen i enjoy a swirlie, but i wen i accidentally mentioned 2 gerald u had been stayin’ ovah @my house while ur mom & connie poirier were in their month-long convo ‘bout b-ing old, ugly & a bad parent; i kinda figgered a swirlie wuz comin’ my way. i nevah noticed it b4, but wen a bunch of jocks hang u by ur feet ovah a toilet, it knocks a lotta the kinks outa ur back. i think i nevah noticed it b4, cuz most tymes wen i get a swirlie, i am more worried ‘bout drownin’. neway, i feel a lot bettah than i did this mornin’ frum last nite’s yoga class, evn tho my hair smells kinda bad.

     
  • At 4:56 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    Well I'm sorry but I got my information straight from Mom, everyone knows she is the expert, also, don't call Frenchy "my child," anyhow, I am not sure that finding the boy was due to the divorce, everyone knows that French-Canadians can't stay married, just look at Therese and Connie Poirier, the divorce was bound to happen, but it is a good thing, because his mother is 100% Milboroughan, so she will try to de-French him some before the actual wedding, she has awhile, we are already planning for the "Age 11 Pre-Engagement Party" though, and Anthony is building a little altar in the basement with barbed wire around it so the kids can play at getting married ahead of time.

    Liz

     
  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I think we may have made a breakthrough as far as Gordon Mayes’ son Paul and my daughter María’s dating goes. It turns out that since María’s birth father was from the United States and died as a Navy pilot in Afghanistan, that carries a lot of weight in Milborough. All the veterans in Milborough came from World War II and used to be a part of the RCAF, and the town has been looking for fresh airman blood (so to speak) for Remembrance Day. After all, when you get done looking at all those grizzled WWII veterans in their wheelchairs, and heavy blankets; then what is better for a Remembrance Day appearance than a cute little girl whose father died fighting in a modern war?

    Not only that, but you know how a lot of times in Milborough, the people seem to prefer the States’ way of spelling things (dropping the “u” in labour and the like) and also the States’ legal process (like taking depositions). Well, Tracey Mayes agreed that if María can avoid speaking with those extra “u”s and use words like “couch” instead of “chesterfield”, stand by the Mayes during Remembrance Day waving a little United States flag, wear a bun or a hair clip at all times, starts dressing in frumpy clothes, and wearing light skin makeup; then they will put her on the list of potential spouses for their son, Paul. Tracey also let Beatrice and María know that after Gordon dies in a few years from old age, she plans to give her house and Mayes Midtown Motors to Paul and if María is chosen as his spouse, then she can take over running the Country Kitchen restaurant off of Mayes Midtown Motors.

    Beatrice and María were both very excited. I said, “What about Rosemary Mayes? Doesn’t she get anything?” Beatrice said, “Howard. This is Milborough, where the inheritance laws specifically exclude daughters from getting anything.” I said, “You have got to be kidding.” Then Beatrice said, “Think about what Mike Patterson got from his parents, and then what his sisters are getting.” I had to admit she was right. Sorry, April.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 5:39 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. If the French-Canadians can't stay married, you might want to take a few precautions to make sure that Anthony’s half-Quebecoise daughter doesn’t find her way back into your house after her inevitable divorce. How is Anthony at planting land mines?

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 6:50 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…

    Mike,

    Don't worry, I am going to take some measures, I mean, of course this marriage won't last, they're both half-Frenchy!, so here is the way I figure it will go, I let my kids have free reading all day and worked out the timeline, Frenchy will get married around age 22 (she has to pretend to care about education first) so her divorce will happen between age 24-26, by then I figure Anthony will also be dead from rapid aging and I will be retiring, so you see Frenchy will have no choice but to run to Therese, and when Therese rejects her, she will run to me, and she will owe me so much for being her stepmom and so she will be a Patterserf like Gordon and Lawrence, I can make a nice little business for her, for example in sewing or cooking, which all women love, and I can pop in occasionally to get compliments and horn in on business decisions, and she will become Milborough famous, and everyone will say, "That Liz Pattercaine, she is a real Patterson!", then of course as a half-Frenchy she will wind up with an ugly bald bank manager with two sulky bratty daughters who hate her, and everything will be happy ever after.

    Liz

     
  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, when i move away from milboro and change my name, what name do u think i shd choose?

    apes

     
  • At 7:37 PM, Anonymous Maxine Hébert said…

    April, I got such a strange call from Deanna. She told me that I "have to babysit" and said something about you, April, being "off that hook." It was quite confusing.

    Maxine

     
  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, change ur name, eh? mrs. april jones? no, thass 2 traditional. how ‘bout ms. april jones-patterson? do u like hyphen8s?

    oh w8 u mean 2 disguise urself frum ur ‘rents or ne1 who might think ur were like ur fam. i get it. 4get i sed that othah stuff. rilly.

    how ‘bout zbignieu brezinski? thass a cool name i heard in history class & that rilly wud throw them off, eh?

     

Post a Comment

<< Home