April's Real Blog

Tuesday, January 08, 2008


::sigh:: Sumday, we'll have sum present-day stories 4 U again. But this flashbacking is prolly going on 4 @ least 4 wks. Crud.

Mom and Connie. Mom reminiscing, 2 contrast when she was young and dissatisfied against now, when she's old (beyond her actual yrs) and dissatisfied.

Mom sed 2 Connie, "Hey remember this past September when I told John that he was getting quite a paunch, and he went in2 that nonsense abt having 'relaxed abdominals' and simply needing 'a few specific exercises' (which BTW, he's never gotten 2)? Connie nodded, and Mom sed, "Well, sum ppl mite think I was out of line 'attacking' John like that, but thoze ppl can't possibly know what this man has put me through." Connie sed, "Ooh, do U have a story from the past 2 illustrate what U R talking abt?" And Mom was all, "Indeed, I do, dear friend!"

"This was sumthing that happened when Lizzie was a baby and Michael was in kindergarten." Connie sed, "Don't U all say 'Elizabeth' now?" Mom sed, "Sure, but when I think of her as a baby, I still think 'Lizzie.' Or 'Nizzie.'" Connie sed, "Oh." Mom went on, "NEway, once I was putting away dishes (b-cuz it's not like John wd ever pitch in w/a task like that), and he had the nerve 2 say, 'U know, Elly. U R getting a little rotund.' " Connie gasped and Mom sed, "I know! And so I went up to him and pinched @ sum of his xxtra fat around the waistline. And I pted @ it and sed, "Oh, yeah?... And what do U call this stuff?" And John actually sed, "That's different. On men, a little xxtra w8 looks OK!" I went back 2 putting away dishes and sed, "There's no justice in a society where women get fat... and men grow 'love handles.'"

Connie sed, "But w8. Y did you not challenge his premise, instead of just tacitly accepting it?" And Mom sed, "That's the way I was then." Connie sed, "WAS?" And Mom raised her brows. Connie was all, "Really, Elly, how did U end up w/such a sexist lout, NEway? There were sum really enlightened guys U cd have hooked up w/@ university." Mom shook her hed and sed, "I had such low self-esteem that when John was nice 2 me, I hooked rite on2 him. And he was such a nerd, I thot he'd alwayz B nice 2 me b-cuz he was w/a woman who shd have been out of his league. But once he became a dentist, he figured he had status, and status trumps nerdiness. So the jerkish side came out."

Connie shook her hed sadly. "U cd leave him U know." Mom sed, "@ my age? Preposterous. I have 2 make the best of my situation." Connie tried 2 argue more, but Mom wd have nun of it. "Save yr energy, Connie. I have around 20 stories 2 tell U in this session." Connie sed, "Well, I'd better take a pee break then. Coffee. U can't buy it, only rent it."


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  • At 7:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 7:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Jeez. What's your Mom's problem? Would anyone give a rat's ass if she got the Hell outta Dodge? Not bloody likely. It's not like your grandparents are overburdened with freinds who'd look down on your Mom for getting a deevorce from your Dad. Their peers are mostly, wellll, DEAD. Your uncles and aunt? They'd worry about their marriages going down the crapper and work a bit harder on not ending up like your folks. Her friends back in BC? His in Manitoba? They've forgotten your parents exist. The people of Milborough? Most of them would be indifferent because, quite frankly, you people aren't very well respected what with the eyesore model train layout, large, stupid, destructive dogs and hellion children racing around.

  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, sorry wen u asked me if i thot u were getting rotund, i hadda ask if that wuz a vocabulary question. ‘course now i know wut it means, ur definitely not gettin’ rotund. my mom sez that 1 of thingz a guy shud nevah say 2 a woman iz that they think she iz getting fat. i asked my mom ‘bout rotund & she just looked confused. howevah, judgin’ frum wut ur mom sed in her story, i guess a guy shudn’t say that either.

  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Sometimes it is a good thing to follow dad’s example; however, on those days when a husband notices his wife is starting to put on the weight, a direct statement like “You are getting a little rotund” is not the right way to go. I learned that pretty early with Martha McRae the first time I saw her without…hum…without her heavy coat on.

    As well-meaning as dad’s comment was, obviously it did not achieve what he wanted, i.e. a healthy wife. Of course, dad likes skinny, wrinkled ladies with chainsaws, so it’s doubtful mom would have ever achieved the figure of the girl he likes (except for the wrinkles). As usual, I find that the indirect, passive way is best. Not only is that method a Patterson tradition, but it is also enormously successful, as you can no doubt tell from the masterful way I have always dealt with adversity in my life.

    If I thought my lovely Deanna was getting a little rotund, I would not tell her that directly. My first thought would be to write a column about it with the names changed, so she could learn the underlying principles about why a wife shouldn’t be fat. However, Deanna is wise to my name-changing articles, so I found a new way and it works perfectly—size 2 clothing. I buy size 2 clothing for my wife, and I say to her “I got this for you because you deserve to wear the best, and then when the clothing saleslady asked me what your size was, I simply told her my wife was just as beautiful as one of those supermodels on television.” A rotund Deanna can’t fit into a size 2; but a healthly, svelte Deanna can. This method works great. It gets the message across without being obvious. Plus, Deanna loves getting new clothes so much, she always asks me for the receipt, so she can see just how much I spent on her. That’s how a modern husband does it.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Beatrice asked me today if I was getting fat. It’s true. I have been spending my time at home making food for Bea and the girls, and most of the rest of my day is at a desk job at Portrait Magazine; so I haven’t been doing a lot of exercise lately. I know I used to go to Pete’s Gym, but for some reason the things I used to like about it---Pete’s bright orange, tight shorts, Pete’s training techniques involving popping me on the buttocks after a successful routine---just don’t have the appeal for me they once did. I remember I used to lift weights all the time, but I can’t seem to remember what the motivation was.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i m so glad u do not think i m rotund.

    mike, i think i saw dee @ the mall last wk, xxchanging sum clothes for size.

    howard, i remember sumthing abt u lifting w8's 2 deal w/frustration, but the memory is v. vague.


  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, this rotund thing iz like gold w/ur mom. i mean, wen i came ovah 2 study & ur mom sed “well, jeremy jones. do u think i am rotund?” i sed, “no, mrs. patterson. i can honestly & truthfully say i wud definitely not call u rotund.” then she handed me a butter tart. thass pretty significant 4 ur mom, i think.

    u know i don’t like 2 lie, cuz my dad usedta do that all the tyme 2 my mom; but thanx 2 lookin’ up “rotund” in the dictionary earlier 2day, i knew that it also meant “round” & i don’t think ur mom is round. she’s more kinda like a bowlin’ pin kinda shape. neway, thass where i got the idea that we cud go bowlin’ @the milborough bowlarama aftah we finish studyin’ & stuff. there’s sumthin’ ‘bout thinkin’ of ur mom az a bowlin’ pin that makes me wanna go bowlin’. i dunno wut thass ‘bout; but I don’t wanna think 2 hard ‘bout it.

    i think connie poirier wants 2 come w/us, but i don’t think ur mom iz gonna let her go newhere ‘till she finishes w/all her fat stories frum 1979. so, u know that thing in the romance movies where the guy stands rilly close b-hind the girl who duzn’t know how 2 bowl 2 teach her how 2 throw the bowling ball? i totally stink @that. it wuz a trip 2 hospital last tyme i tried. wut i am good @ is watchin’ ur totally hott & not rotund body bend over wen u throw a ball down the lane. i totally rock @that.

  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I did ask my lovely Deanna about your observation of her exchanging some clothes for size, and you know what she told me? Some of those Size 2 outfits are got for her are too big, and she was exchanging for a smaller size. I am so lucky to be married to a wife who knows how important it is for a wife to be thin.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy and i r abt 2 go 2 the bowlarama. we both have a v. v. strong urge 2 bowl.

    aw, mike, it's adorable that u believe that!


  • At 6:23 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. My relationship with Deanna is based on trust, like most strong marriages are. There was that little incident with birth control medicine where I briefly thought trusting my wife was not in my best interest; but ever since I moved into my old house, those thoughts are long past. By the way, Deanna wants me to tell you that you owe us a baby-sitting and you would know the reason why. Something about beans being spilled.

    I don’t quite understand your girl talk; but if you had seen the look on Deanna’s face after I told her about what you saw her doing at the mall, you wouldn’t want to cross her. I think she wanted to keep her little “going for smaller sizes” thing a secret, so it wouldn’t embarrass me I had bought a size too large for her. That’s just the kind of woman she is.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i so do not owe u a babysitting. if dee has a prob w/me, she can deal w/me directly.


  • At 7:07 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Deal with you directly? That would be funny, except there is no pun there. Deanna always talks to mom to schedule your baby-sitting so it doesn't interfere with what mom wants you to do. You should know that by now.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if i have evah seen sum1 bite a piece outa a bowlin' ball b4. i guess we bettah talk 'bout that message u just got from ur bro, or mebbe get supper.

  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no, mike, mom doesn't schedule babysitting 4 me. if dee thinx that's gonna work, she's gonna end up w/no babysitter 4 whenev she think she's getting one.

    mayB i won't even come home.


  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Maxine Hébert said…

    Oh, hello, April! It's been a while since I've stopped by here and posted, but could you let Deanna know I got the white fabric paint she wanted? To change the labels in her new clothes from "10" to "0." I don't know why she goes to so much trouble, but we all have our quirks!



  • At 12:13 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i know wen we went 2 ur house aftah bowlin' & u saw ur mom wuz there w/ur sil, u sed "i'm stayin' @ur place 2nite, jeremy", i thot 4 sure my mom wud say "no". i wuz rilly surprized wen she sed, "it's 'bout tyme. considerin' ur mom, i'm surprised u haven't asked b4." neway, if u need me, i'll be on the cot in the basement. thass where i'm textin' u frum, eh?

  • At 1:17 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You know there is quite frequently a difference between what mom says and the way mom actually is. I learned this all during my years of living with her, and I am sure you are still learning these things.

    I went by the house where mom lives now (and you too) and found mom was there regaling Connie Poirier with stories about how wrinkled she was back in 1979. Finally Connie Poirier said, “Elly. This is ridiculous. You were only 28 years old in 1979. I knew you. You didn’t have all those wrinkles from old age.” Mom said, “It was near the end of 1979.” Connie said, “Give me a break.” So, I said, “Oh, mom had wrinkles all right. In fact those wrinkles were life-savers.” Connie Poirier said, “What do you mean by that, Michael?”

    I said, “There was this time when I broke one of mom’s favourite decorative vases.” Connie said, “I don’t remember you ever having decorative vases.” Mom said, “Not after Michael was born.” I said, “There was a vase I had broken, and I could tell mom was angry with me. It was because of her wrinkles.” Mom said, “Look, I said I wasn’t mad, Michael…It was an accident.” I said, “That’s just what you said back then mom. History repeats itself.”

    Connie said, “That happens all the time in Milborough. So, then what happened?” I said, “Mom was wiping up the shards of vase glass with a cloth and…” Connie interrupted and said, “What? That’s not how you clean up glass. Glass shards will go right through a cloth and cut your hand.” Mom said, “I know that now!” Connie said, “You were 28 years old. Why didn’t you know that then?” Mom said, “It was Michael’s fault. He was just standing there looking miserable and I said, ‘So don’t stand there looking miserable because I am NOT angry.’” Connie said, “That mad, eh?” Mom said, “No. Not mad. I said, ‘I am annoyed, I am put out, but I am not ANGRY’” Connie said, “Those are just other words for angry.” Mom said, “They are not. There are subtle distinctions.”

    I said, “Well, whatever the distinctions were, you were so emotional you put the cloth you used to clean up the glass right back in the drawer with the rest of the cleaning cloths. Dad was in for a big surprise later when he used one to wipe his mouth.” Connie said, “Ouch! Glass shards in the cloth. What were you thinking, Elly?” Mom said, “I was thinking about how I was not angry. Just like I am not angry right now, from you two, who don’t believe me that I am not angry. I am offended and outraged, perhaps even furious or fuming; but I am not angry.” I pointed to mom’s forehead which was covered with wrinkles and said, “Then how come you have all those wrinkles up there?” Mom said, “No, Michael. You pointed to your own forehead in 1979 and not mine.” I said, “I did? Well that doesn’t make much sense. You were the one with the wrinkles, not I.”

    Then mom got in a long conversation with Connie Poirier about the differences in all the words which mean “angry” and that’s when I left after getting a butter tart out of the refrigerator.

    Michael Patterson


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