April's Real Blog

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Angry Synonyms

Mike has sum stuff 2 share abt the l8est story from the endless past:

Formerly little sis. You know there is quite frequently a difference between what mom says and the way mom actually is. I learned this all during my years of living with her, and I am sure you are still learning these things.

I went by the house where mom lives now (and you too) and found mom was there regaling Connie Poirier with stories about how wrinkled she was back in 1979. Finally Connie Poirier said, “Elly. This is ridiculous. You were only 28 years old in 1979. I knew you. You didn’t have all those wrinkles from old age.” Mom said, “It was near the end of 1979.” Connie said, “Give me a break.” So, I said, “Oh, mom had wrinkles all right. In fact those wrinkles were life-savers.” Connie Poirier said, “What do you mean by that, Michael?”

I said, “There was this time when I broke one of mom’s favourite decorative vases.” Connie said, “I don’t remember you ever having decorative vases.” Mom said, “Not after Michael was born.” I said, “There was a vase I had broken, and I could tell mom was angry with me. It was because of her wrinkles.” Mom said, “Look, I said I wasn’t mad, Michael…It was an accident.” I said, “That’s just what you said back then mom. History repeats itself.”

Connie said, “That happens all the time in Milborough. So, then what happened?” I said, “Mom was wiping up the shards of vase glass with a cloth and…” Connie interrupted and said, “What? That’s not how you clean up glass. Glass shards will go right through a cloth and cut your hand.” Mom said, “I know that now!” Connie said, “You were 28 years old. Why didn’t you know that then?” Mom said, “It was Michael’s fault. He was just standing there looking miserable and I said, ‘So don’t stand there looking miserable because I am NOT angry.’” Connie said, “That mad, eh?” Mom said, “No. Not mad. I said, ‘I am annoyed, I am put out, but I am not ANGRY’” Connie said, “Those are just other words for angry.” Mom said, “They are not. There are subtle distinctions.”

I said, “Well, whatever the distinctions were, you were so emotional you put the cloth you used to clean up the glass right back in the drawer with the rest of the cleaning cloths. Dad was in for a big surprise later when he used one to wipe his mouth.” Connie said, “Ouch! Glass shards in the cloth. What were you thinking, Elly?” Mom said, “I was thinking about how I was not angry. Just like I am not angry right now, from you two, who don’t believe me that I am not angry. I am offended and outraged, perhaps even furious or fuming; but I am not angry.” I pointed to mom’s forehead which was covered with wrinkles and said, “Then how come you have all those wrinkles up there?” Mom said, “No, Michael. You pointed to your own forehead in 1979 and not mine.” I said, “I did? Well that doesn’t make much sense. You were the one with the wrinkles, not I.”

Then mom got in a long conversation with Connie Poirier about the differences in all the words which mean “angry” and that’s when I left after getting a butter tart out of the refrigerator.

Michael Patterson
OMG, Mom is always doing that, denying one thing by using a synonym w/a slitely diff shade of meaning. Her reasoning, she sez, is that no 2 words mean exactly the same thing. MayB she got that from Dad (cf "rotund" vs. "fat").

BTW, I'm staying @ Jeremy's house 4 a while. His mother has been v. cube.


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  • At 8:14 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I take to from that then that your Mom doesn't understand the Dead Parrot Sketch. It might seem to the untrained eye that she was in denial about being peeved with Teflon Mikey but looking at how she didn't get that fat and love handles were the same thing, well, we can draw a different conclusion.

  • At 12:16 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, weird 2 get up this mornin’ w/u in the house; but it’s gr8 2. it wuz kinda funny wen mom brought out the brekkie food & ur hand like went out 4 it az soon az mom put in on the table. mom sed, “goodness, april. yru grabbin’ food like that?” & i hadda xxplain 2 mom that in ur fam, if u don’t get 2 the food b4 ur mom duz, u don’t get nethin’ 2 eat. mom’s forehead kinda wrinkled up & i sed, “ru angry, mom?” then mom sed, “i sure am angry. a nice girl like april here shudn’t hafta go thru life fightin’ her own mother 2 get food 2 eat, eh?” then u mentioned 2 mom ur story ‘bout the snacrifice & i am pretty sure u didn’t think mom wud say, “u poor dear” & cry a little.

  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It was a rough morning this morning. Beatrice was in a foul mood, which I usually tell because she knocks things around and curses in Spanish. I know your brother uses your mother’s furrowed brow as an indication of anger, but Beatrice’s skin is so nice, I don’t think she could wrinkle her forehead if her life depended on it.

    As you know, my youngest daughter has a crush on Paul Mayes, since they are in the same class at school and she has been calling him her boyfriend. Paul Mayes, on the other hand, is on the verge of turning 11 years old this year, and has informed María that he is approaching the age where he has to be serious in his relationships; because his next girlfriend at age 11 is most likely going to be his wife, and maybe a girl who is ½ Argentinean and ½ U.S. (as María is) might not be the best choice for a boy who is 100% Milboroughan. Naturally, María was crushed, and this put Beatrice on a rampage. I expect she is going to have words with the Mayes about it.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:25 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    You know I don't really like you, because you pulled on my t-shirt, but I just wanted to write to help you out with your stepdaughter, while she may be sad she is not eligible to marry one of the scions of the Milborough upper crust because she is a dirty foreigner, she should learn to accept that now and look elsewhere for love, in fact I happen to know both from my sister April and also my own teaching that Milborough has many immigrants and refugees these days, perhaps she should go through the phone book looking for names that sound Argentinian, both myself and my pre-fiance Anthony found out the hard way that it does not work to try to marry or relationship someone who is from a foreign culture, there are too many differences, because all foreign cultures have disgusting habits, usually having to do with cheating and money grubbing, I mean, just look at Mike, he married a girl who started out a Milboroughite but she lived a lot of her life in Burlington, and you see how stupid she can be sometimes, a couple of times she has actually even tried to argue with my brother!!!, so you see, even a small cultural difference is bad, also, we pure Milboroughians have to preserve our race by mating only with each other, if the 100% Milboroughese die out, how will the rest of the world know who to look up to?, no, your stepdaughter should marry a nice Latino refugee boy like Ricardo Somethingorothero who is in my class, I can introduce them if you like, he is from South America, which means he will cheat on her and leave her with a love child one day, but at least it won't pollute the 100% Milboroughish gene pool when that happens, let me know if you need more advice too, I am a Patterson so I am always here to help.


  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am sorry, but did you just use the word “scions” correctly? I have this vague recollection of you getting in an argument with Lawrence Poirier over whether or not “the scions of the Milborough upper crust” were the places that the Milborough upper crust liked to hang out or be “scion”.

    I will have to admit that with you and Anthony Caine as examples of Milboroughans, your case about Milboroughans only marrying Milboroughans is very strong. However, my daughter is young and headstrong, and believes that Milborough is a changing world where after the next few months, most anything could happen in Milborough and no one would care. I will mention Ricardo Somethingorothero to her, to see if she’s interested, but it may take her awhile to forget Paul Mayes. You know how it is to recover from being rejected in love, as that seems to happen to you a lot, so I am sure you can relate.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:27 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Yes, my sainted mother gave me a 2008 Milboroughtonian Word A Day Calendar for Christmas. "Scion" was the word for January 3, and they use it in a sentence, "Marrying a scion of the Milborough upper crust is the proper goal of every right-thinking Canadian," see, Mom always gives me the most useful presents, she truly is a landmark builder.


    P.S. I told Ricardo Somethingorothero that I found him a wife, he is beside himself with joy, he was worried about going to the sixth grade without having one lined up.

  • At 3:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i'm sorry i cried when yr mom cried. it was this weird thing abt not being used 2 sum1 caring so much!

    wow, i think it's sad that (a) paul mayes already thinx he hasta pick his future wife and (b) he believes that whole "100% mboro" thing. howard, i hope that lil maria is rite abt mboro being a changing world.

    btw, jeremy d-cided 2 try out my yoga class 2nite! our class starts @ 6 and we will prolly get back 2 his house @ abt 8:30.


  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I told my wife, Beatrice Alfarero about Ricardo Somethingorothero and she said she would have to check out his family first. Do you know if he is related to Idunno Somethingorothero or Uforgot Somethingorothero? Apparently, my wife’s meeting with Gordon and Tracey Mayes did not work out well. She said to me, “Howard, sometimes I wish my forehead skin were as loose and flappy as Elly Patterson’s so I could really look angry, when I am angry. It’s hard to be taken seriously in this town without dramatic skin wrinkling.”

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ru sure u want me 2 go 2 ur yoga class 2nite? i wuz talkin’ ‘bout it @skool & eva sed it wuz gonna b like torture, cuz it wuz gonna b mainly girlz wearin’ skin tight exercise clothez & she sed if u caught me lookin’ @ne of those othah girlz, u wud twist me n2 a chakrasana. i dunno wut that iz, but it soundz painful. i told eva i didn’t think u were n2 violence, but eva told a story ‘bout ur planz 2 stomp on gerald 1tyme, which she swore wuz true. so, can i put my yoga mat sum place where the only peep i can c iz u?

  • At 7:08 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    No, see, I couldn't remember Ricardo's last name, so I made one up that sounded kind of Spanishy(Somethingorothero), but it's not his real name, I checked my grade book, it's really Ricardo Convenientlyhalfargentiniano, as you can see from his name, Maria and Ricardo are destined for one another, especially since the only other half-South American boy in town is Lawrence Poirier, who is half gay Brazilian, so he can only be Maria's backup gay for if Ricardo ages horribly fast, hey, did you all know that there is a booth at the Milborough Mall that will show two people what their children will look like, I had it done for me and Anthony, our son is going to be extremely attractive, just picture all the best and most prominent attributes of my dad and Anthony (huge nose, giant chin, big glasses, freckles, unruly red hair, pasty skin, lumpy belly) all smashed together, I can't wait until Johnthony Pattercaine gets made, what a great day it will be when he graces us with his arrival, we're thinking of Michael as the middle name so we can get the names of all the Really Great Milborough Guys in there, oh, by the way, that is the name that Anthony and I think we will take when we get married, but back to the topic of the baby pictures, the machine doesn't work if you are incompatible, like if a 100% Milboroughovian tries to make a baby with a illegitimate half-Argentinian love child person, the computer just says "FAILURE," it's so funny.


  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that was a gr8 yoga class! jeremy sed he cdn't believe how difficult it was. he thot it wd b, like, a bunch of gentle stretching w/sum twisty stuff thrown in, and now he sez he can tell he's gonna b sore all over 2morrow. but he sed the pain was kinda gd, cuz it distracted him from all the super-flexible girls in stretchy yoga clothes.


  • At 12:53 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i dunno wut i did wrong, but wen i was kinda sore frum the yoga & u sed u wud rub my back, i thot thass wut u wunted me 2 do—i mean, like let u rub my back. but then u were like, “w8. mom alwayz rubs dad’s back & he nevah rubs her back. it’s not fair. y am i doin’ this?” so, neway, i hope ur not still mad @me. i promise 2 rub ur back 1st, az soon az i can get my body 2 move again. i think i pushed a little 2 hard tryin’ 2 keep up w/u.

  • At 12:58 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I stopped by mom’s house to get a butter tart this morning for my daughter and me, as I was driving my daughter to school. You may remember that my daughter is enrolled at H.G. Davis Public School, the same elementary school I went to and it’s 3 blocks away from our house. When we got inside mom’s house, there was mom talking to Connie Poirier about how lazy you are for driving to school instead of taking the bus. When she saw me, she decided to change subjects.

    Mom said, “I remember when Michael was little and how much he complained about going to school even from the very beginning when he was in kindergarten.” My daughter’s ears perked up at the possibility of an embarrassing daddy story, so she said, “What did daddy say?” Mom said, “I would put his scarf around his neck and the whole time he would say, ‘How can I walk to kindergarten, ma-it’s freezing out there!’ And then he would raise up his little mittened hand to show 3 fingers up, which you couldn’t tell because he was wearing mittens, and he said, ‘It’s three whole blocks away! --- I’ll DIE!’ Your father complained and complained about walking to kindergarten in the cold and he never once died from it. So I raised up my one finger, which you could tell it was one finger because I was not wearing mittens, and I said, ‘Michael, when I was your age, I walked 6 blocks to school and we didn’t even own a car!’ That shut him up.”

    I was grimacing at mom’s delight in being right over my 5-year-old self, when my own 5-year-old said, “But Gramma Elly. What about Stranger Danger? It says: Try not to walk anywhere alone. Walk with a friend.” Then Connie Poirier said, “That’s right, Elly. Things are not the same as they used to be.” Mom said, “What? No. No. No. When I told Mike that back in 1979, it was the same thing my mom told me when I was little, and I even thought bubbled ‘…and I swore I’d never sound like my mother’. You need to say the same thing to your daughter, Michael. It’s a Patterson legacy.”

    I said, “Now wait a minute, mom. You told me that So, the Patterson legacy is my house.” Mom said, “No, the legacy is do everything with your kids, just the way I did it with you.” My daughter said, “What?” Connie Poirier said, “Gramma Elly wants you to walk to school and complain about it, like your dad did.” My daughter said, “But Gramma Elly. Stranger danger! Dad has to take me to school. It’s not safe.” Mom said, “Meredith, when I was your age, my parents sent me out the door to school and did not walk me one step of the way, and we didn’t even own a car!” My daughter said, “Let’s go daddy. I’ll get a Stranger Danger book for you Gramma Elly.” I said, “Right. Let’s go Merrie. It’s freezing out there. We don’t want to die on the way to the car.” Then my daughter and I left with my mother definitely grumbling about “kids these days”.

    In the car, my daughter said, “Why did Gramma Elly make you walk to kindergarten alone?” I said, “They didn’t have Stranger Danger back then.” My daughter said, “What did they have?” I said, “Lucky kids.”

    Michael Patterson


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