April's Real Blog

Monday, January 14, 2008

Patterson, Elly does not compute

I have received an urgent message from the Johnston Institute informing me that April is such a "difficult case" that the weekend re-education-camp programme has not been enough to reform her. Therefore, I am to continue filling in for her at least for a week. I have been loaded with April's knowledge of academic subjects, so that I can participate in her school classes, learn the new material, and complete homework assignments. All new knowledge that I acquire this way will be uploaded to the Johnston Institute server and relayed to April during her absence.

I have also received instructions about the next topic of conversation. Again, this pertains to Mrs. Patterson examining herself in a mirror. However, this time the mirror is full-length, and Mrs. Patterson viewed herself while wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and nothing on her feet. My programming suggests that this is an unusual thing to do in Canada in mid-January, even inside a dwelling.

Mrs. Patterson viewed her image and thought, "I can't do anything about the wrinkles, so I've gotta look in the mirror and say, "Yes! --This is ME." She engaged in a dance of sorts while thinking, "I look at my flappy arms and my droopy buns and I say, 'YES, THIS IS ME'!" She continued her dance while converting her thoughts into a song in some fashion, and the song's lyrics began, " [musical note] THIS IS MEEE [musical note] THIS IS MEEEE [musical note] " Meanwhile, musical notes lined up in the air just before her face. Continuing the dance, Mrs. Patterson clapped her hands and sang aloud as musical notes surrounded her: "Hooop-yah! Hoop-yah! This is me, this is me, this is MEEEE!! Then she ceased her dancing and singing, glared at her reflection, and thought, "It still sucks to be me."

My interpretation subprogram came up with"humans are contradictory beings." Then it blew a small amount of smoke and said, "Ask again later." I think one of the programmers who built me cribbed the Magic Eight Ball a little bit.

Aprilbot, still filling in for April

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19 Comments:

  • At 11:57 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Aprilbot,

    My poor little sister, let wise big sister explain to you, all Patterson women hate how they look, and it is perfectly natural, because the rules make us look like Grandma Marian as soon as possible, look how you and me are young but already wear buns most of the time, and how even though we hate our bodies, and we have pudding butts, but we don't exercise, well, April did sometimes when she was feeling contrary, that is why she is in re-education camp, but it is the rules, we have to make ourselves look like Grandma as soon as possible, and then complain about it a lot, it is confusing I know, I am so lucky that Dad gave Anthony The Guide to Looking Patterson (For Men) a long time ago, about developing features like big chins and noses, and ugly hairstyles, and coke-bottle glasses, and getting a gut, so he totally understands that there are special rules for us about this stuff, now, the reason Mom's behavior did not compute is because Mom was doing a bad thing from a Patterson perspective and was trying to accept herself as she is, I can only guess she misinterpreted Dad's comment about looking at the gift within, but it is clear that Mom was only sort of playing around with this new attitude, fortunately she still hates herself, so there is nothing to worry about, sweet little Aprilbot, except maybe getting run over by Mom and crushed if she gets into a dancing mood again, so stay back when she does that.

    Liz

     
  • At 1:03 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Aprilbot,

    Robotic little sis. I am afraid what you witnessed our mother doing was the latest in Milboroughan exercise classes. It is called, “Hoop-yah!”; although there is an alternative group called, “Hooop-yah!” which does its exercises in heated rooms, which might explain the shorts and short sleeve shirt mom was wearing. Although I have not participated in this particular exercise myself due to my natural physical fitness which comes from writing, my understanding is that among the set of Milboroughites who are retired early; it is of great benefit. My wife, the lovely Deanna, is planning to take the class too. Of course, when I asked her why she would take it, since she is not retired early, she simply responded, “When is the last time you actually saw me in a pharmacy, Michael?”

    So, Aprilbot, if mom has continued to chat about her appearance for the third straight week, then I would expect to see more of the hoopla of “Hoop-yah!” There’s a little rhyming pun for your circuits to enjoy.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:46 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Aprilbot,

    I am afraid Michael's discussion of the "exercise" class called Hoop-yah will confuse your programming and overload your circuits, while there is such a class, if Mom belongs to it, which I don't know if she does, it doesn't violate the rules against never exercising, because "Hoop-yah!" is mostly just an excuse for old ladies to get together and gossip and drink coffee and talk about how they should get some exercise, I think sometimes some of them pretend to do some comical exercises like the dancing you saw Mom do, but it's mostly just as a joke, to make the other ladies laugh, the only retiree who exercises more than just taking a brisk walk is Connie Poirier, and the only reason she does that is she got in the habit back when she was having so many problems catching a husband, she needed to keep her figure thin, sadly since she is French-Canadian and not a Patterson, she could not be assured that one day her childhood sweetheart would come for her, anyway, I sometimes go to "Hoop-yah!" too because they have donuts, but the only dancing I do is to show off my ballroom moves,
    and I am always the most popular person at "Hoop-yah!", because I am the youngest and the prettiest, and everyone wants to talk about my wedding plans, this is partly why Dee wants to go I think, she knows she has to be a bridesmatron and she probably wants to weigh in on how big the butt bow should be on the bridesmaid dresses.

    Liz

     
  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, at least you won't have to strain your processors trying to figure these people out any more. A week of this and you'll be on your way to making cars or something and you don't have to deal with illogic. It might not matter to you now but the Johnston Institute has people on staff who know what will happen to these people in the years to come.

     
  • At 2:57 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. My wife, the lovely Deanna, has asked me to ask you ever so discretely if you were planning for her to be your matron of honour for your wedding. Since April is currently replaced by the Aprilbot, she thought it would be a good time for me to ask. Deanna wants me to assure you that, should she be chosen as matron of honour, she will make every effort not to outshine the bride (that’s you) on her special day. As you may or may not have noticed, Deanna is excellent at blending in the background remaining completely unnoticed and unseen, without anyone asking for or caring about her opinion. And she would like to point out that, if she is chosen as matron of honour, then that would leave April (or the Aprilbot) free to take care of our children and Anthony Caine’s half-Quebecoise child during the wedding and the reception. I know you might be tempted to choose Candace Halloran as your maid of honour; however, Deanna would like you to know that weddings go much better if the villains are limited to your in-laws. Just a little something to think about.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if u can read this frum ur camp, but i asked luis guzmán if he knew ne places in mexico on a beach where there mite b sum kinda re-education stuff 4 the johnston institute for better learning. this wud’ve gone ok, xxcept luis’ gf rosario started announcin’ thru her little megaphone 2 shout, “hooop-yah! hoop-yah!” then sum peeps started 2 do this weird dance which iz poplar 4 sum reasn. luis seemed kinda mbarrassed, but he sed he wud c wut he cud find out ‘bout johnston institute for better learning” camps in mexico. & i did check their website for camps closest to mexico, but the website duzn’t have nethin’ outside of ontario.

    then gerald came by kinda arm-in-arm w/ur robot dubble. he sed, “c jeremy. april iz back where she belongz.” i sed, “i thot u2 broke up cuz u were goin’ 2 university in a couple of years.” the robot u sed, “breakin’ up 17 months b4 graduation duz not compute. show me affection, gerald delaney-forsythe. gnaw on my hair.” i sed, “no. no. a true show of affection 4 a patterson is the patterson ass hoist.” the robot u sed, “this sign of affection iz not recommended by the ontario ministry of health.” then gerald tried 2 ass hoist the robot u & i think he had sum kinda herni8ted disk, so they hadda take him 2 hospital.

     
  • At 3:37 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…

    Ugly Brother,

    My wedding plans are in an uproar for two reasons, 1) I haven't been proposed to yet, and 2) the Aprilbot is my new favorite sibling, well #1 I have been assured is not a problem, if Anthony doesn't propose before summer, Mom says the Good Witch will send some men with pointy sticks down to Milborough to make him do it, as for #2, I am just having to devise alternate plans taking into account possible availability of potential bridesmaids and matrons, basically, if Aprilbot is available, I want her for maid of honor, but if she isn't, then I don't know, there are a lot of possibilities, Candace is probably my favorite person but she does not know anything about weddings and would probably not be any help, Dee knows something about weddings but I hate her haircut so I'm not sure if I want her in the wedding pictures that much, come to think of it, Candace's haircut is terrible too, I need a maid of honor who is somewhat attractive (not beautiful) but also feminine without some kind of strange appearance like weird haircut or tattoos, this rules out Shawna-Marie as she looked very manly at her own wedding and maybe weddings bring that out in her, and probably also Dawn Enjo who has short hair too, God damn why is it so hard for my friends to look feminine?, maybe April, because it would be fun to boss her around a lot, plus she has the right hair for it, even if it is kind of a muddy mess, since I would dictate her hairstyle on that day it could be fixed up, I don't know, though, because April has always stolen attention from me, so that might be a bad choice, maybe Dee could do it, if she grew her hair out, but then again, I don't really like her very much, or maybe Candace, if she colored her hair black again so it didn't look like Bozo the Clown, that could be good, Candace always knew her place as my less-attractive sidekick, whereas I can totally see Dee and April not understanding that it is My Big Day and not about them at all, Dee is good at not getting in the way much but she is prettier than me, that could be a problem, this is so hard, geez I hope Aprilbot is around when I get married, because otherwise I will have a hard decision to make, oh and Mike, no matter what I decide, April is not available for babysitting your brats, I will have other jobs for her to do that day, and also, Robin will have to be ring-bearer and Merrie will be a flower girl, and Dee will be somewhere in the wedding party, so you will be alone that day, so I will let you bring someone to keep you company, maybe Weed, since I know you like him and I don't really want to invite him separate because then I would have to invite that girl he lives with too, and I don't really like either of them anyway, but Weed is your less-attractive sidekick, so I know it is important for you to spend time with him so he can boost your self-esteem as is his job as sidekick, not that your self-esteem needs boosting but I know you don't see him as much now you are in Milborough again and he is still stupidly clinging to city life and his sinful living together never getting married arrangement just as my sidekick Candace is doing, have you ever wondered when April will get her unattractive sidekick with an alternative lifestyle?, probably in college, huh.

    Liz

     
  • At 3:37 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…

    Ugly Brother,

    My wedding plans are in an uproar for two reasons, 1) I haven't been proposed to yet, and 2) the Aprilbot is my new favorite sibling, well #1 I have been assured is not a problem, if Anthony doesn't propose before summer, Mom says the Good Witch will send some men with pointy sticks down to Milborough to make him do it, as for #2, I am just having to devise alternate plans taking into account possible availability of potential bridesmaids and matrons, basically, if Aprilbot is available, I want her for maid of honor, but if she isn't, then I don't know, there are a lot of possibilities, Candace is probably my favorite person but she does not know anything about weddings and would probably not be any help, Dee knows something about weddings but I hate her haircut so I'm not sure if I want her in the wedding pictures that much, come to think of it, Candace's haircut is terrible too, I need a maid of honor who is somewhat attractive (not beautiful) but also feminine without some kind of strange appearance like weird haircut or tattoos, this rules out Shawna-Marie as she looked very manly at her own wedding and maybe weddings bring that out in her, and probably also Dawn Enjo who has short hair too, God damn why is it so hard for my friends to look feminine?, maybe April, because it would be fun to boss her around a lot, plus she has the right hair for it, even if it is kind of a muddy mess, since I would dictate her hairstyle on that day it could be fixed up, I don't know, though, because April has always stolen attention from me, so that might be a bad choice, maybe Dee could do it, if she grew her hair out, but then again, I don't really like her very much, or maybe Candace, if she colored her hair black again so it didn't look like Bozo the Clown, that could be good, Candace always knew her place as my less-attractive sidekick, whereas I can totally see Dee and April not understanding that it is My Big Day and not about them at all, Dee is good at not getting in the way much but she is prettier than me, that could be a problem, this is so hard, geez I hope Aprilbot is around when I get married, because otherwise I will have a hard decision to make, oh and Mike, no matter what I decide, April is not available for babysitting your brats, I will have other jobs for her to do that day, and also, Robin will have to be ring-bearer and Merrie will be a flower girl, and Dee will be somewhere in the wedding party, so you will be alone that day, so I will let you bring someone to keep you company, maybe Weed, since I know you like him and I don't really want to invite him separate because then I would have to invite that girl he lives with too, and I don't really like either of them anyway, but Weed is your less-attractive sidekick, so I know it is important for you to spend time with him so he can boost your self-esteem as is his job as sidekick, not that your self-esteem needs boosting but I know you don't see him as much now you are in Milborough again and he is still stupidly clinging to city life and his sinful living together never getting married arrangement just as my sidekick Candace is doing, have you ever wondered when April will get her unattractive sidekick with an alternative lifestyle?, probably in college, huh.

    Liz

     
  • At 3:50 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    Ugh, more wedding stupidity, as I called Anthony up at work and asked him for our hypothetical future wedding who he would want for his groomsmen, and he said that Gordo was definitely his Best Man, and that he wants Dad for his groomsman, but after that he doesn't have any other male friends, I was like "what are you talking about?" and he asked if maybe he could ask that fat bookkeeper Julia he brought to Shawna-Marie's wedding to put on a tuxedo and be a groomsman, and I asked, "You really don't have any other friends?" and Anthony was like, "Nope!" and I said fine, fat Julia could be a groomsman, and then I asked him who else, because there will be like six bridesmaid types, and we need six groomsmen and some ushers, and Anthony got all upset and started crying and babbling on about how he knew he would never be able to get this marrying a Patterson stuff right and this is why he hasn't proposed, too much pressure to perform, and that is why come he hasn't proposed yet, it was so stupid, so finally I told him his groomsmen could be Gordo, Dad, fat Julia, you, Tracey, and my old gay dancing partner Dennis, if he is still alive, so now you are in the wedding, if Weed still wants to come, he could be the photographer and do our pictures for free, but his little live-in girlfriend can't come, she is cute as a button and might upstage me on My Special Day, well I finally got Anthony calmed down again, geez, you know he even proposed Frenchy as a groomsman?, what a clueless half-wit, she is a junior bridesmaid, and will be escorted by her pre-fiance, Jean-Valjean Robespierre, so we can show off how our "daughter" is matched up when she's only 2 (or 3), got I hope he doesn't postpone our wedding so long that Frenchy will be like 9 or 10 and at normal pre-fianceeing age.

    Liz

     
  • At 4:21 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. My lovely wife, Deanna knows the decisions for marriage can be very confusing. Either the groom is overanxious and proposes before the bride has had her required adventure to another land; or the groom already has the bride living with him, taking care of his child, his food, and his house; and has lost his motivation for marriage, for fear those things might change if agrees to marry. She would like to point out that although there is a certain appeal to having a robot maid of honour, there are downsides when it comes to clicking and whirring during the wedding ceremony, and potential disasters if the robot maid of honour decides to mix different kinds of motor oil during the reception, and passes out. She would also like to point out that, of all the choices you have listed for maid of honour, only she consistently looks like a woman. There is nothing quite as embarrassing as a wedding ceremony, where the maid of honour looks too masculine and makes everyone wonder if it is a same sex marriage.

    And just to let you know, I have already arranged for Josef Weeder to take the pictures for your wedding. He is a true artist with the camera. You may remember the wedding pictures of Deanna’s and my second wedding, where he managed to make mom look thin and small-nosed, and he managed to make my mother-in-law Mira bear an uncanny resemblance to Godzilla. I don’t know if you have any difficulties with Anthony’s parents (are they still alive?), but if you do, Josef Weeder will make it work.

    As for using my son as a ring-bearer, I strongly recommend that you reconsider. However, if you are set on the idea, you might want to attach a string to the rings, just in case my son mistakes them for food and you are forced to pull them out of his digestive tract as a part of the ceremony. I am sure Deanna will coach him not to eat the rings, but you can never tell what might happen in the heat of the moment.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 4:49 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    For once I am forced to agree with you, this living together thing is a huge mistake, but it was all a misunderstanding, I keep trying to get out of it, but everytime I say something like, "I'm going to stay at my apartment tonight," Anthony bursts into tears and wails, "But you said you would give me a hoooooooome!", and I want to scream "but you said you would give me a riiiiiiiiiiiiiing!" but of course he never did, it's so obnoxious, anyway, if Aprilbot can't be maid of honor, I think I will have regular April do it, Mom is urging me to make it her because she is hoping that exposure to the wonders of weddings will make her less of a strident ball-busting feminist who wants to break up with her childhood sweetheart and leave Milborough, and maybe not get married, and April does look consistently like a woman, and she has long hair, and I suppose she is my sister and therefore a Patterson, so there are a lot of points in her favor, besides, why would Dee want to be my matron of honor so bad?, it seems weird for a married woman, is Dee hoping that this will give her the chance to be a part of the storyline of our lives for once, well let her know that is NOT happening, this is MY SPECIAL DAY.

    Liz

     
  • At 6:15 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. Mom’s point is a good one. April does clearly need to have some understanding of the wonders of weddings. However, my wife, the lovely Deanna, would like for me to point out to you that April does bear a certain resemblance to you. Obviously not the average April, with her hair hanging all over her face; but the wedding April will have her hair properly bunned and it will be more difficult to tell the two of you apart. Deanna’s hair is too short to be bunned, so she is easily identified as not you. With my wife as the matron of honour, she will not come down the aisle and be mistaken as a younger, more attractive, better-breathed version of the bride. That way your special day will actually be your special day. I am not saying to do it. I would never disagree with mom. However, it is simply a suggestion to be considered. After all, no one wants to have to go and tell Anthony Caine he is kissing the wrong sister during his wedding ceremony, now do we?

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 7:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, i m stowed away on a tortilla ship headed from cozumel, mexico to barbados. my fone reception isssssssssssssssssssssssss

     
  • At 7:22 PM, Anonymous Homer Simpson said…

    April,

    Tortillas. Yum!

    Love,
    Homer Simpson

     
  • At 7:23 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. now i'm gonna hafta break down & try 2 talk 2 duncan anderson, 2c if he knows where u cud b.

     
  • At 7:41 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…

    Ugly Brother,

    Actually, I will be requiring all my short-haired maids to wear false bun pieces pinned to their hair, Mom and I agree that the bridesmaids/matrons should all look feminine even though so many of them have oddly chosen to have short hair, I do not want people looking up at my maids/matrons (especially Shawna-Marie and Candace) and wondering why there are men in dresses up at the altar, have you ever thought of asking Dee to grow her hair out so she could bun it, she really looks very unPattersonly.

    Liz

     
  • At 7:52 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    Elizabeth and I have been having so much fun trying different "bun" styles. Liz is making a "wedding hairstyle" photograph binder.

    Aprilbot

     
  • At 8:08 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Elizabeth,

    Slightly older little sis. As you know from the The Guide to Looking Patterson (For Men), under the section titled “Patterson Men Know Nothing About Fashions and They Like it That Way”:

    A Patterson male does not make fashion suggestions to his wife, but must fully support whatever fashion decision she makes and conceal whatever nausea it may induce. When it comes to daughters, the Patterson father is expected to inform his daughters when they are showing too much flesh like a pole dancer, and let them know when they need to cover up. Fashion suggestions for the daughter are still the sole province of the Patterson mother.

    As you can see, it would be inappropriate for me to make hair style suggestions to my wife. As for the lovely Deanna, she has a deep-seated fear that if she ever has any hairstyle other than the 1970s Dorothy Hamill wedge cut she has had since university and lets her hair grow out, that will be a step towards her transforming into her mother, which I think you will agree, no one wants.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous qnjones said…

    Ugly Brother,

    Well, since Dee's gasbag mother Mira does not wear a bun, I am sure she will have no objection to wearing the super-large donut-roll prosthetic bun that we ordered for her from the catalog in "Beauty Blonde," and Merrie is getting some extra hair to add to her own to make her bun large and luxurious, I have decided that the theme to my wedding will be "The Bunned and the Beautiful," all of my maids will wear buns, and be the bunned, but I will wear my hair all flowy and sexy, and be "The Beautiful," I have always wanted to be the beautiful, I even got those collagen injections, but they were weird, they left my lips all colorless and flesh-toned, well, no matter, for my wedding day I will have flowy hair and big lips of loveliness (with lipstick), and in place of the corset, which made Shawna-Marie look like a linebacker, I will wear a push-up brassiere, to make my bosom heave, basically I want to torture Anthony all the way through the ceremony and reception, so that he will understand the torture I have gone through all these years waiting for his proposal, and I will have my revenge.

    Liz

     

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