April's Real Blog

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Hello, April's readers! This is still Aprilbot. I have received an alarming report from the Johnston Institute For Better Living. It seems that April has escaped from the re-education camp that was being held in Cozumel, Mexico, and her whereabouts are currently unknown. Meanwhile, I will continue to substitute for her.

The story I am instructed to tell you today concerns Mrs. Patterson walking canines with Connie Poirier. Connie Poirier was walking the canine known as Sera, a Labrador retriever and mother to Edgar, the canine that Mrs. Patterson was walking. Point of information from my databases: Edgar is older now than when his father, Farley, died in 1995. And of course, his mother Sera is, as well. But I have heard Mrs. Patterson say, "No more dead dogs!" The canine named Dixie was excluded from this walk.

Ms. Poirier told Mrs. Patterson, "We've got to be more philosophical, El. We've earned our lines! Every crease, every wrinkle, we've earned--and we were great Moms, weren't we?!! Just think of the stuff we put up with! Think of the hard work it was! And now we're grandparents! We've given the best of our lives to our families. We paved the way for a healthy, bright new generation!" Mrs. Patterson said, "Yeah. I hope they *@--well appreciate it." This response caused Ms. Poirier to laugh.

My pun subprogram scanned Mrs. Patterson's line for a possible pun. "Appreciate" can suggest a sense of gratitude, but also can mean an increase in value, so that something could be sold for more than its original purchase price. However, the subprogram also tells me that this is unlikely to apply to the context given. It is likely, then, that Mrs. Patterson was not making a pun.

In case anyone is confused about Ms. Poirier being a grandmother, she did not mean that her son Lawrence has children. She is referring to her stepdaughters, Molly and Gayle. When Ms. Poirier first married Greg Thomas in the 1980s, Mr. Thomas's teenage daughters lived with them for a short time, before opting to move back in with their mother in Thunder Bay. Some mght argue that Ms. Poirier cannot rightfully claim that in the brief time she cared for her stepdaughters she "paved the way for a healthy, bright, new, generation." My programming is not sophisticated enough to reach a conclusion on this matter.


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  • At 7:13 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    b-ing stowed away on a ship is so boring. oh, just read abt mom an' connie. never mind.

    uh-oh, i'm losing my signallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

  • At 8:14 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Boring isn't the half of it. We're probably going to be deluged with more examples of how the maternal unit's lousy temper messed up her life. It's tough to appreciate a selfish, stupid non-entity's imaginary sacrifices.

  • At 9:05 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if u can read this, i can't get freakin' duncan 2 answer my callz. it looks like i'm gonna hafta find sum othah way 2 find out where ships go n2 barbados.

  • At 11:20 AM, Anonymous qnjones said…


    Here is something you don't know about Connie Poirier, she is a pathological liar, well not a liar exactly, but the stuff she says and does is never consistent, like she lied and said that Lawrence's father was her ex-husband and white, but then she admitted that Lawrence was her half-Brazilian love child, she was horrible to Lawrence when he came out, and let her husband throw him out of the house, and still refuses to totally accept his gayness by saying she wouldn't stand up with him if he ever got married, but she claims to be a great mother, she claims to be a feminist, but was always on a man hunt and longs for the days when men treated women like "ladies," she says she earned every line and wrinkle and they should be philosophical about it but Connie had plastic surgery to make her face look younger (obviously it wore off), she was a terrible stepmom to Molly and Gayle and couldn't understand why they were upset about their dad remarrying and made them move to a new city and was always talking about them behind their backs, but now she claims to be a super grandma to their kids and responsible for making them a success, anyway, don't try to process stuff that Connie says too hard, it's like stuff just flies out her mouth that is convenient at the time for whatever is going on, she is really deluded, she didn't get those lines and wrinkles from great mothering, she got them from too many late drunken nights out with random men and being an all-around "what not to do" bad example to Milborough girls.

    I think that Mom actually wasn't making a pun there, I think the joke was that she said a cuss word, but anyway I wouldn't worry too much about it, Mom is on the Rules Committee for the Town of Milborough so if she wants to cuss, it's okay, also, that is how she got to decree that there would be no more dead dogs in Milborough, which is why the business of opening up rest homes for extremely aged and crippled dogs is booming, Gordo is opening one up, called Mayes Midtown Motors "Man's Best Friend Retirement Motel and Medical Facility," since that rule was passed in 1995, there are some dogs as old as 20 or 25 who can't do anything but lay on the floor trying to breathe, but as Anthony says, it's more money for Gordon!


  • At 11:49 AM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    Thank you for the information, Elizabeth. I am updating my databases accordingly.


  • At 1:07 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Robotic little sis. I had a disturbing conversation with mom and maybe you, with your robotic thinking abilities can understand it. This is how it went:

    Mom: "Michael, it was you, you remember that night down in the University of Toronto 31 years ago, you arrived into my womb and said, ‘Mom, this isn’t your day... we're goin' for the price on Margaret Atwood’, you remember that? This isn't your day? My day, I could've taken Atwood apart... so what happens? She gets a title shot with The Handmaid’s Tale, what do I get? a one way ticket to Lilliput’s. You were my son Michael, you should've looked out for me a little bit. You should've taken care of me a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them toy store dives for the short end money..."

    Me: "I had to write my own novel, you saw some money. Besides, didn’t dad have something to do with this?"

    Mom: "You don't understand. I could've had class, I coulda been a contender, I could've been somebody... instead of a bum which is what I am, let's face it............ It still sucks to be me. I've given the best of my life to you, Michael. I hope you *@--well appreciate it."

    Any ideas what it means, robotic little sis?

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:33 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    Ugly Brother,

    I am just guessing here but maybe Mom got punched in the head a few too many times at Hoop-yah class?


  • At 3:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    Michael, for some reason, Patterson, Elly went to the video-rental store at the Milborough Mall and took home a stack of old movies. One of the movies was On the Waterfront, and for some reason, she really identified with Marlon Brando's character. She kept pointing at him and saying, "Terry Malloy is just like me! JUST like me!" And sobbing. I did not understand.


  • At 5:03 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Robotic little sister. Thanks for the investigation. On the Waterfront is very suspicious. Mom only does water activities in Mexico. I wonder if being punched in the head in hoop-yah class has caused her to hallucinate she is in Mexico. Only one way to find out. I will have to ask dad, if mom has been accusing him of leering at other women.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Jeremy Jones came over to my house frantic because you are on a boat to Barbados and he doesn’t know where you are. I have checked around and found that most boats land in Bridgetown. If you get this message, April, remember the official language of Barbados is English; so you should be able to find someone who can tell you where you are. Call me collect on a good phone, and we’ll see if we can get you home (or maybe someplace safer for you than home). Your mother has been seen using curse words in public; so I can’t help but think the two incidents are related.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, howard i......

    damn spotty recep.........

  • At 2:50 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Robotic little sis. I know this may be a little personal to ask, but are you one of those robots equipped to reproduce?

    The reason I ask, is because mom and I were talking about you and my mother said the oddest thing, “That Aprilbot is lucky she can’t have children. She can decide what and who she wants to be right now. No waiting.” I replied something about how a robot programmed to look and act like other people was not the best example for whatever point mom was making. Then mom said, “Now Michael. You got to decide what and who you wanted to be because you’re a man and you can’t possibly understand the woman’s perspective.” Then before I knew it, mom had whipped out one of those old photograph albums to illustrate her point.

    In one picture, mom is leaning over a topless little Lizzie, lying on her back. Mom said, “Now when I was changing Lizzie’s diaper I was thinking, ‘There was a time when I couldn’t wait to get married.’” I said, “I get it. Lizzie’s lying on her back, half-naked, and looking up with her hand in her mouth, and that reminded you of times when you were the same way and realized you needed to be married.” Mom said, “Michael Patterson. No. No. I was never half-naked. Changing a diaper simply reminded me of wanting to get married.” I said, “Why wouldn’t it remind you of having kids?” Mom said, “Don’t be silly, Michael. Everyone knows it’s the same thing.” I said, “Except for Connie Poirier.” Mom said, “Right. Except for Connie.”

    Then mom pointed to the next picture which showed her with a fully-dressed Elizabeth beckoning to me in the picture on what must have been one of those days when it felt like someone put my hair only on one side of my head. Mom said, “Now when I was holding Lizzie after her diapers were changed, I was thinking, ‘Then I couldn’t wait to have a house of my own. Then…for children,--I couldn’t wait!” I said, “Mom, what does having a house have to do with holding Lizzie?” Mom said, “Marriage. House. Kids. That’s the order.” I said, “But mom, you had me before you were living in a house. I thought you were in an apartment.” Mom said, “Don’t interrupt before I am finished.”

    Mom said, “Now Michael. Look at this picture. I’m helping you put a shoe on. While I was doing that, I was thinking, ‘…Now that I have all the things I couldn’t wait for-& can decide what & who I want to be..’” I said, “You wanted to be a shoe salesperson?” Mom said, “No, Michael. These are thoughts which would run through my head as I performed these mindless child-raising tasks.” I said, “I suppose that’s why half the time you put my shoes on the wrong feet.” Mom said, “Michael. You are missing the point.” I said, “What is the point?’

    Mom pointed to the final picture of her by herself without any kids around. Mom said, “When I was like this, I thought, ‘I’ve got to wait.’” I said, “What? Why?” Mom said, “When you are married, have children, and have a house; you have to wait to decide what & who you want to be.” I said, “I didn’t. Neither did Deanna.” Mom said, “That’s only because I sacrificed my own desire to decide what I want to be for you.” I said, “That explains me, but what about Deanna? I hope you’re not saying Mira Sobinski sacrificed anything for Deanna.”

    Mom said, “You are missing the point. I had to wait because I had kids. If I didn’t have to wait I could have been just like the Aprilbot. I am going to talk to her instead of you.”

    So, Aprilbot, you might want to say you are one of those robots which can reproduce, or else you are going to get to see some pictures and hear a lot of confusing talk.

    Michael Patterson


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