April's Real Blog

Sunday, October 07, 2007

4gotten again

Mom just got back from dropping off one of her nauseating casseroles @ Mike's house, cuz we'll B having our Tgiving dinner there l8r 2day. It turns out that Liz was also stopping by w/a salad.

Mom sez that shen she saw 3 foto albums on the table, 1 of them open, she actually thot, "!!" She put the casserole on the counter (Ooh, fresh--I am soooo not having NE, not that I wda NEway) and she sat down, starting 2 look thru. Mom was all, "I'm glad U have these albums out, Michael. I haven't looked @ them in ages!" I'll bet poor Merrie wishes she cd say the same, since she got 2 do little else all last month.

Mike sat down w/Mom, and of course found a picture of himself: "Here's me on my 4th birthday!" Then Liz lumbered over, unable 2 grasp the obvious without assistance, all, "Hey, R U 2 looking @ pictures?" They didn't answer her, but she sat down on the other side of Mom, who pted out a pic 2 Liz: "This is the day I brought U home from the hospital, Liz!" Which is kinda weird--usually that's "we brought U home from the hospital." What, did Dad make Mom take Liz home all by herself? Was he 2 bizzy cleaning teeth or dropping crowns on the floor or having coffee w/Dr. Ted?

But no1 bothered 2 ask those kinda questions, and Mom pted out a pic 2 Mike: "There U R w/yr teddy!" Oh, gah, do NOT get Mike started on that teddy!

Then Liz and Mike took turns pting out pix. Mike: "Here we are, playing in the sand box." Liz: "That's us w/Santa!" Which got from Mike an "Awww!!" Then Mom put an arm around each of them, all "Yes, U 2 were the cutest, most precious little kids on the planet!" Mom told me that a moment l8r, she was all thinking, "...And, I kept wishing U'd hurry and grow up!!"

I crossed my arms in front of my chest an' sed, "Hm, well it's a good thing U only had 2 kids, eh?" Mom, w/out thinking, sed, "Yeah, that was just rite." Then she noticed me lookin' @ her w/one of those slow-burn kind of expressions, and she was like, "Until I had U, of course! Then having 3 was just rite, and besides, it's been so long since Michael and Elizabeth have been out of the house, I think of U as a separate 'only' child."

I was like, "Nice try. Well, I'm gonna get my cookbooks so I can plan sum food I'd actually eat." And Mom was like, "Ungr8ful Martian!"

Oh, and Mike left his own take on what just happened:
Dear April,

Formerly little sis. Sometimes people on Sundays think differently than they do the rest of the week, as you should know by now. In fact I have often thought that when I enter a Sunday, the entire fabric of the space-time continuum shatters and history rewrites itself in a wholly, more colourful and delightful type of story. For example, if I only lived on Sundays, I might have the impression that I did not spend almost the entire month of September looking at mom’s old photo albums with my daughter, and I had just now brought out pictures the very first time for the occasion when mom decided to make a casserole and carry it in the dish all the way from her house to my house. It is as if there is a whole group of people out there who only see us on Sundays, who are simply unaware of my September activities, and this is the first time they have ever seen me with a photo album out for viewing.

You might also have the impression that I left one of the photo albums open for mom to see I had been looking at the old pictures of little me with a bib on, or little me being held by mom and dad as I wore a cute little devil’s outfit, or a lonely green silhouetted man in front of a yellow silhouetted building. Unfortunately, I fear what it means is that while I was used to looking at pictures from Monday to Saturday and taking Sunday off, I will now be looking at pictures 7 days a week.

Sure enough, as mom began to look at the photo albums, I felt myself irresistibly drawn to the kitchen, with my sleeves rolled up and ready to do some heavy photo-gazing. I leaned on the table to brace myself for the worst. As mom held open a page which featured Grandpa Jim fishing, a large seashell, and pictures of multi-coloured silhouetted people, mom said to me, “I’m glad you have these albums out, Michael. I haven’t looked at them for ages!” All those silhouettes. You know, formerly little sis, it wasn’t until I was at university and I met Josef Weeder, professional photographer and artiste, did I learn there are ways to set up your camera so you don’t get all those silhouettes.

I looked at upside-down pictures of me on my 4th birthday and said, “Here’s me on my 4th birthday!” The pictures showed me and 2 friends standing around a bright yellow cake. Mom rested her arm on the table and propped up her head as if to say, “If you start talking about yourself, Mike, I am going to take a nap.” Fortunately that was not necessary, because Liz showed up out of nowhere with a salad bowl full of what appeared to part of a shrubbery from outside. (Yes, I know, April. She claimed it was a salad and insisted we eat it.) She saw me and mom and said, “Hey, are you looking at pictures?” I had to restrain myself as best I could from taunting her with a phrase like “No, Liz. Live action movies. Or… No. Liz. These are postcards from places mom and dad visited without us.”

Liz sat down and decided at that moment to turn her face into a duplicate of mine, except with a bun, and the sight was so horrible my eyes disappeared. Consequently, mom concentrated her photograph-looking on that page involving Liz. There was a picture of mom holding Liz, a photo of Liz wearing a pink hood, mom’s bong, and of course, more silhouettes. Mom said, “This is the day I brought you home from the hospital, Liz!” The picture of mom carrying Liz and dad carrying the supply of baby bad breath scent removers is priceless.

Then mom turned to me and said, “There you are with your teddy!” Did you know my teddy was actually blue? I certainly didn’t. However there was picture after picture in the album of me holding that blue bear. I didn’t know there would be a theme to the way these pictures were gathered. That sent a little shiver down my spine for some reason.

Now it was Liz’s turn to rest her arm near her head as I pointed the left side of the albums towards her. I said, “Here we are, playing in the sand box.” Of course, as was typical during this time period of my life, it was really me pouring the contents of the sand box over Elizabeth.

Liz’s mind turned to gift-getting, as it often does with her. She found the Christmas picture section on the page right across from the section on visiting people in graveyards. Liz said, “That’s us with Santa!” It didn’t really look anything like that, but I went along with her by saying, “Awww!!”

Mom felt a sudden rush of emotion, said, “Yes, you two were the cutest, most precious little kids on the planet!” and we went in for the first group hug I can remember any Patterson family members doing for decades. Liz nuzzled her head against mom’s face (just like her cat would do, so you know where she learned that behaviour.) I put my arm around mom’s back, put on my best “bask in mom’s glory” face, and tried to ignore the fact I had just grown breasts. I really hate when that happens. I have never have a bra ready, and frankly the jealous looks from mom and Liz when they realize I have a bigger cup size than they do, are a little tough to take.

Mom later confessed to me what was running through her mind at that very moment. It was, “…and, I kept wishing you’d hurry and grow up!!!” Of course, it always helps to remember that mom has never really liked “cute, precious little kids.” It took Liz and me a long time to achieve mom’s desires for us to no longer be cute and precious. I think that I am still quite cute, but I must admit that when Liz started wearing her hair in a bun all the time, her cuteness quotient went way down into the homely schoolmarm levels and has never truly returned.

The only real question remains, formerly little sis, will Liz, mom and I be looking at photo albums again next Sunday?

Michael Patterson
Yeah, ITA abt "Sunday world." I'll Cya l8r 4 Tgiving dinner, Mike. And I dunno abt U and pix next Sunday. U can only hope not, eh? Of course, since Mom's been 4getting abt me again, I doubt I'll B called upon 4 fotos involving me NEtime soon.


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  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Your mother's apologists will probably line up to tell you that this is an older album, that your pictures are in another one they've yet to look at but, as we both know, they're as full of it as your family. Your mom resents your presence because she didn't want kids in the house after she was fifty and for no other reason. All the crap she says about her degree is a lie 'cause we both know she'd be doing what she is now if you'd never been born. It's like you don't matter to these people. But then you knew that already.

  • At 10:52 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i kinda think that if there r ne foto albums w/pix of me, they're, like, @ the bottom of a ditch.

    and i think u're totally rite abt mom and the degree she never finished. if she hadn't had me, she'd just b using a different xxcuse.


  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Damn right. That's because the courseload had toughened up way too much in the interval between her first attempt and the second. As it stands, she couldn't even do your homework, let alone attend Uni. Rather than admit to being lazy and stupid, she points the finger of blame to you.

  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, mom is totally sore that merrie an' robin have rejected her bacon-macaroni-cheddar-greenbean casserole in favour of my ginger-sesame tofu-veggie stirfry.



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