Liz Leans on Anthony
After not answering me abt when I get 2 make her feel guilty, Liz called up Anthony and asked him 2 come get her. L8r, I found out that as they drove 2 the lake, Liz was all, "I needed sum1 2 talk 2, Anthony." And Anthony, of course, was like, "I'm glad U called!" Liz went, "My grandfather's in the hospital again, my sister is angry w/me, Mom's upset...and I'm coping w/sum pretty tuff kids @ school." And Anthony was like, "Strange, isn't it.... How negative stuff all seems 2 happen @ once. 1 thing piles on top of another!" Then he parked by the lake and sed, "But... we're resilient. We resolve whatever it it that's weighing us down--and, in the end, we're stronger." What's w/all the we-speak, Queen Victoria? And Liz sed, "After what happened 2 U... do U feel stronger?" And instead of answering that (what happened 2 Anthony? Girl, please!), Anthony was all, "Lean on me." And Liz sed she just that, while closing her eyes and being squeeful.
Well, it's here folks. We're focusing on Liz and Anthony. Let's C if they make us sorry we asked. Who'm I kidding, I'm already sorry I asked. Sumhow this is all abt poor lil Liz w/every bad thing piling up on her. "Y does everything hafta happen 2 meeeeeeeee?!?!!?" Barfing now.
Apes
Well, it's here folks. We're focusing on Liz and Anthony. Let's C if they make us sorry we asked. Who'm I kidding, I'm already sorry I asked. Sumhow this is all abt poor lil Liz w/every bad thing piling up on her. "Y does everything hafta happen 2 meeeeeeeee?!?!!?" Barfing now.
Apes
Labels: Anthony, Liz, stoopidity
posted by April Patterson @ 7:36 AM
7 Comments:
At 10:25 AM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
It's all about her, kiddo. She may look like she's as sad about Grampa Jim's stroke but I think she's just miffed about the fact that people aren't catering to her neeeeeeeeds. She's probably wishing she had a debilitating illness so the rest of the family would pity her. We both know she's never done anything worth paying atention to so she either has to get hitched, get knocked up or get hit by a bus to get noticed.
At 11:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
hey, i just got back from the milboro 5k for the heart & stroke foundation of ontario. ger and eva ran w/me, it was pretty cube.
dc2, i think liz wd luv it if every1 thot she had a debilit8ing illness, and treated her all special an' gentle bcuz of that, but w/out her actually having 2 suffer from an icky debilit8ing illness.
apes
At 1:47 PM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
So, she'd be like the guy in the wheelchair from SCTV? You know who I mean. He can walk just fine but rolls around in obne to make people feel sorry for him.
At 4:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
or like ricky's dad on the trailer park boys, who does (or @ least did) the same thing 2 collect disability $$$.
apes
At 5:35 PM,
DreadedCandiru2 said…
Yeah, him too. The problem with my comparison is that the guys I mentioned admit to themselves they're scamming people for a reason. Your sister isn't that decent.
At 6:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, liz wd find sum way 2 justify it 2 herself. like she deserves sympathy and those debilit8ing-illness peeps r just attention hogs neway, and it's their fault she hasta go 2 those kinda lengths 2 get what she deserves.
apes
At 3:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
Formerly little sis. Sometimes people on Sundays think differently than they do the rest of the week, as you should know by now. In fact I have often thought that when I enter a Sunday, the entire fabric of the space-time continuum shatters and history rewrites itself in a wholly, more colourful and delightful type of story. For example, if I only lived on Sundays, I might have the impression that I did not spend almost the entire month of September looking at mom’s old photo albums with my daughter, and I had just now brought out pictures the very first time for the occasion when mom decided to make a casserole and carry it in the dish all the way from her house to my house. It is as if there is a whole group of people out there who only see us on Sundays, who are simply unaware of my September activities, and this is the first time they have ever seen me with a photo album out for viewing.
You might also have the impression that I left one of the photo albums open for mom to see I had been looking at the old pictures of little me with a bib on, or little me being held by mom and dad as I wore a cute little devil’s outfit, or a lonely green silhouetted man in front of a yellow silhouetted building. Unfortunately, I fear what it means is that while I was used to looking at pictures from Monday to Saturday and taking Sunday off, I will now be looking at pictures 7 days a week.
Sure enough, as mom began to look at the photo albums, I felt myself irresistibly drawn to the kitchen, with my sleeves rolled up and ready to do some heavy photo-gazing. I leaned on the table to brace myself for the worst. As mom held open a page which featured Grandpa Jim fishing, a large seashell, and pictures of multi-coloured silhouetted people, mom said to me, “I’m glad you have these albums out, Michael. I haven’t looked at them for ages!” All those silhouettes. You know, formerly little sis, it wasn’t until I was at university and I met Josef Weeder, professional photographer and artiste, did I learn there are ways to set up your camera so you don’t get all those silhouettes.
I looked at upside-down pictures of me on my 4th birthday and said, “Here’s me on my 4th birthday!” The pictures showed me and 2 friends standing around a bright yellow cake. Mom rested her arm on the table and propped up her head as if to say, “If you start talking about yourself, Mike, I am going to take a nap.” Fortunately that was not necessary, because Liz showed up out of nowhere with a salad bowl full of what appeared to part of a shrubbery from outside. (Yes, I know, April. She claimed it was a salad and insisted we eat it.) She saw me and mom and said, “Hey, are you looking at pictures?” I had to restrain myself as best I could from taunting her with a phrase like “No, Liz. Live action movies. Or… No. Liz. These are postcards from places mom and dad visited without us.”
Liz sat down and decided at that moment to turn her face into a duplicate of mine, except with a bun, and the sight was so horrible my eyes disappeared. Consequently, mom concentrated her photograph-looking on that page involving Liz. There was a picture of mom holding Liz, a photo of Liz wearing a pink hood, mom’s bong, and of course, more silhouettes. Mom said, “This is the day I brought you home from the hospital, Liz!” The picture of mom carrying Liz and dad carrying the supply of baby bad breath scent removers is priceless.
Then mom turned to me and said, “There you are with your teddy!” Did you know my teddy was actually blue? I certainly didn’t. However there was picture after picture in the album of me holding that blue bear. I didn’t know there would be a theme to the way these pictures were gathered. That sent a little shiver down my spine for some reason.
Now it was Liz’s turn to rest her arm near her head as I pointed the left side of the albums towards her. I said, “Here we are, playing in the sand box.” Of course, as was typical during this time period of my life, it was really me pouring the contents of the sand box over Elizabeth.
Liz’s mind turned to gift-getting, as it often does with her. She found the Christmas picture section on the page right across from the section on visiting people in graveyards. Liz said, “That’s us with Santa!” It didn’t really look anything like that, but I went along with her by saying, “Awww!!”
Mom felt a sudden rush of emotion, said, “Yes, you two were the cutest, most precious little kids on the planet!” and we went in for the first group hug I can remember any Patterson family members doing for decades. Liz nuzzled her head against mom’s face (just like her cat would do, so you know where she learned that behaviour.) I put my arm around mom’s back, put on my best “bask in mom’s glory” face, and tried to ignore the fact I had just grown breasts. I really hate when that happens. I have never have a bra ready, and frankly the jealous looks from mom and Liz when they realize I have a bigger cup size than they do, are a little tough to take.
Mom later confessed to me what was running through her mind at that very moment. It was, “…and, I kept wishing you’d hurry and grow up!!!” Of course, it always helps to remember that mom has never really liked “cute, precious little kids.” It took Liz and me a long time to achieve mom’s desires for us to no longer be cute and precious. I think that I am still quite cute, but I must admit that when Liz started wearing her hair in a bun all the time, her cuteness quotient went way down into the homely schoolmarm levels and has never truly returned.
The only real question remains, formerly little sis, will Liz, mom and I be looking at photo albums again next Sunday?
Love,
Michael Patterson
Post a Comment
<< Home