April's Real Blog

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

No borrow--let's hear some BIDDING!

As Dee was working on the alterations 2 the not-Marian gown, She sed 2 Liz, "The 1st couple of yrs will B fun... And then U'll start C-ing ea other in a different lite. U'll go from being lovers to friends, parents, business partners, roommates, co-workers..." Liz replied, "Anthony and I have been friends 4 a long time, Dee. ...And I already feel like a parent!" Dee tells me that Liz had a slitely panicky look on her face as she sed this, and guessed it mite B cuz she was realizing that she and the Ant had skipped rite over the "lover" part B4 they even got married. When Dee sed this, I sed, "Oh, like in that oldie from the 80s, by the Motels, the one that goes, 'Take the "L" out of "lover" and it's over.'" Dee gave me a funny look and sed, "Yeah, sumthing like that."

NEway, the next thing Dee sed 2 Liz was, "Trust me. Marriage is a real challenge, and I wanted 2 let U know that we'll B there 4 U, Liz. NEtime U guyz need NEthing, let us know, OK?" Liz was like, "Well, there IS sumthing we'll B borrowing from U, Dee..." And Dee went, "What's that?" That when Liz was all, "Yr babysitter."

Er, no. No1 "borrows" me. Bidding war. We'll start the bidding @ $2/hr above my current base r8.

Dunc, OMG, I'm so sorry U slept thru yr xxam! I think U ended up having, like, 21 dbl-dbls. MayB we can talk 2 the English teacher and get U rescheduled.


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  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Someone Liz's Age said…


    Do you worry that you won't be able to go away to school if Liz "borrows" you from Dee all the time?

    Someone Liz's Age

    p.s. don't be like Liz. Don't get married until you're at least 30. That's what I plan to do.

  • At 10:06 AM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…

    Maybe you need this guy to teach you how to speak like an auctioneer.

    Or else hire this guy.

  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Did your sister just say she was pregnant with that baby-sitter line? Honestly, I had wondered how quickly she would get pregnant, since the trend with your mother and sister-in-law was for "unexpected (at least for the husband)" pregnancies almost at the beginning of marriage. Your sister tells Deanna she wants her babysitter in today's strip and it could be taken as, "I want a babysitter for my new step-daughter." However, when you think about that, the step-daughter already has a babysitter aside from you, Anthony used all those times he went out with Liz at a moment's notice without his daughter, like when Liz needed to be comforted by Anthony over your Grandpa Jim's second stroke.

    A lot of this conversation may seem like Deanna being nice to Elizabeth, but a lot of it seems to be Deanna trying to put your sister in her place. Deanna has been the Queen Bee in your family for a long time, and now she may be worried that Elizabeth may be challenging her, as she will also have a child and a husband with a successful career. If Elizabeth is pregnant, this would be a fabulous feat of one-upmanship. Deanna got pregnant before her honeymoon, but Elizabeth will be pregnant before the marriage. I think Deanna must realize this, because you do not tell how she responded to Elizabeth's desire for her babysitter. If she thought Elizabeth meant her step-daughter, Deanna would just say, "You can ask April to sit for Francie any time you want. She is your sister, after all." But she didn't say that. Your story has no response at all, as if Deanna was gobsmacked by the question. And Deanna would be gobsmacked by a question about baby-sitters, if she realized Elizabeth had one-upped her with a premarital pregnancy.

    It all makes sense now. Elizabeth said, "Oh I have to get married this summer, because of Grandpa Jim's health, because I want him to see me in Grandma Marian's dress at my wedding." But everyone knows your sister rarely visits your Grandpa Jim, and then she just had Deanna alter the dress, where Grandpa Jim might not recognize it. The clues are all there. It's like you are a Blogger who gives little clues that allow me to read between the lines and know that there is something going on in a Elizabeth's life, and you can't show it all! Amazing writing, April. And by the way, if you see Elizabeth, tell her congratulations for me on the pregnancy.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:27 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard Bunt,

    Why aren't you in prison where you belong? Weren't you sentenced for 2 years back for your trial that started in 2006? Hum. OK. I guess you could be out by now.

    To your points. Of course, Elizabeth isn't pregnant before getting married. Your arguments are completely idiotic. For one thing, it is extremely common for a Patterson to be gobsmacked. It happens almost everytime someone makes a joke or does some clever wordplay. I, myself, am gobsmacked by things people around me say, or things my children say and do, or even things I say to myself; at least 20 times a day. It is meaningless to interpret my wife's being gobsmacked as having any hidden meaning.

    Second of all, Patterson women do not get pregnant before marriage. They get pregnant as soon as they possible can right after marriage. That is the family tradition, and it is a good one. As a matter of fact, Anthony and I had a long discussion about the subject and how it would be a very good idea for him to take extra precautions at the beginning of his marriage. He assured me that he is armed and ready for a wife flaunting her fertility. If Elizabeth were to side-step Anthony's preparations by getting pregnant before marriage, when Anthony was not prepared, it just wouldn't be fair. After all the time I spent with Anthony explaining how to tell when prescriptions had changed unexpectedly, and how to make sure she was taking them every day, that time would be completely wasted, and Elizabeth would be over there, pregnant and laughing at me and Anthony for wasting our time. No. That simply would not do. That would be against the rules. That would not be cricket. She would be a big, pregnant cheater. No fair.

    Third of all is your preposterous idea the Grandpa Jim can't recognize Elizabeth's altered wedding dress as Gramma Marian's dress. It is obviously not her dress and Grandpa Jim, in his feeble state of mind thought it was, so how could a few alterations even have an effect on that? Elizabeth could wear an old, potato sack for a wedding dress, and Grandpa Jim would think Gramma Marian wore it. By the way, this is just between you and me, and not Elizabeth. The Patterson family line from mom and Deanna is that it is Gramma Marian's old dress. They are saving so much money.

    In conclusion, you are full of baloney as usual. Elizabeth is not pregnant. So there!

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:32 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Michael Patterson,

    I was released by the Court of Appeals in Toronto. The Milborough Courts did not follow proper legal procedure, because they couldn't take the time to get their lazy butts off their chesterfields and learn what it was. I have been free for some time now.

    And I still think your sister is pregnant. I have noticed that your sister April, your wife and even your future step-niece are all wearing belly shirts lately, and your sister Elizabeth isn't. Another clear sign of pregnancy.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:35 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard Bunt,

    My wife informs me that wearing a belly shirt is not a sign of pregnancy. It is simply a sign that fashions in Milborough are hopelessly behind-the-times. Just because Elizabeth is not showing her belly, doesn't mean she is pregnant. It just means she has allowed herself to get fat.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, wen u sed u were late, u meant "late 2 class cuz u were tryin' 2 help duncan b allowed 2 take hiz english xxam", rite? i dunno y, but this convo w/howeird & ur bro 'bout ur sis iz makin' me rilly nervous 4 sum reasn.

  • At 11:02 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Michael Patterson,

    I will accept your explanation of fat and poor fashions, you got from your friend, business partner, roommate, and co-worker, Deanna; about why Elizabeth does not wear a belly shirt. That is a reasonable explanation and I am personally glad that Elizabeth does not show her belly around Milborough.

    By the way, my wife still thinks of me as a lover.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:05 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard Bunt,

    You are cruel man to bring that up. I think you will find a vicious brute named Boward Hunt will be in my next novel, describing you in great detail. And why you should be in prison.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Shut up, shut up, shut up! I am not pregnant or fat! I am tastefully solid.

    Liz Patterson

  • At 2:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry jeremy, u were rite that i was just running l8 cuz i was trying 2 help dunc get his english xxam resked'ed.


  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, and don't worry, "someone liz's age," i won't let myself get "borrowed" and i will go far away 4 school. and not look back. age 30 sounds abt rite!


  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, April? Just ran across this book review and thought of your brother. Think he's written anything under a pseudonym?

  • At 9:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, anon, that book sounds really, really bad! but i think my bro has 2 big an ego 2 publish under ne name other than his own.


  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    patrickrghost, i meant 2 thank u 4 the links on being an auctioneer and the other guy 2 hire. i'll keep those in mind if we manage 2 get the bidding going!


  • At 12:41 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    I cant sleep 2nite. I blew off my 1st exam, so why shld I study 4 nemore. Yr mom says shes already raised u, so I guess ur like the 4gotten milk bag @ the back of the fridge. U mite as well leave b4 u stink up the place.

    Im off 2 TO 2morrow 2 resume my career as a squeegie kid. If u want 2 join me, Ill b on the 1st GO of the day.

    L8r. Mayb.

    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson


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