April's Real Blog

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Did Mom challenge Dad 2 a Duel?

Okay, so after Mom had the convo w/Liz I told U abt yesterday? She went and found Dad in his workshop. Usually when Dad's in his workshop, Mom's content 2 4get abt him 4 days, wks, or even months @ a time. But I guess the whole "Liz's wedding" thing is something she thinx is worth interrupting him 4.

So when Mom told Dad the thing that Liz sed abt a summer wedding, Dad's reaction was, "A summer wedding? THIS summer?" Mom sed, "I think so, John. My Dad is really not well. If Elizabeth wants him 2 C her married in my mom's dress..." Gah, it's NOT Grandma Marian's dress! Dad sed, "Hmmm..." Then he sed, "So, what U're saying is: Our lives R abt 2 B plunged in2 a frenzy of party plans and pandemonium!" Mom sed, 'R U OK wh/that?" Dad told her, "Sure...I don't have 2 do NEthing." Which inspired Mom 2 pick up a rubber glove from the work table and throw it 2 Dad's hed.

Wow, so she's back 2 throwing things @ Dad's hed. I thot she'd broken herself of that habit. And a glove, 2. I wonder if she was trying 2 throw it in his face, 2 challenge him 2 a duel. Did she think she was Cyrano DeBergerac? She has the nose 4 it! And speaking of habits, I thot Dad was over his habit of flaunting his unwillingness 2 help out w/NEthing that's not rel8ed 2 dentistry or choo-choos.

Jeremy, abt yr, er, stanky problem. I'll come by w/sum special soap rite after I finish posting this.



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  • At 9:36 AM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…

    So my suspicions were right...that's not your Grandma Marian's dress. Of course, it could have changed designs over the 30 years or so since it was stuffed way back in the far corners of the crawlspace. Who knows...maybe some freak wormhole opened up down there, and someone in another dimension switched the real dress with the one Liz wore. There's no telling how that dress really got there.

    I still stick to the theory that it belonged to the former owners of the house. What would be freaky is if they see Liz and Anthony's wedding announcement in the local newspaper, and the picture accompanying the announcement shows Liz in that dress.

  • At 9:43 AM, OpenID patrickrsghost said…

    One thing I forgot to mention: as far as your dad saying he won't have to do anything, he's wrong. He will be even more involved in Liz's wedding than Mike's. For one thing, it's traditional for the father to escort the bride to the altar, granted that they will have a traditional wedding. Which they will. In most cases, the priest or preacher will say "Who giveth this woman?" to which the father (or other escort, if the father is not available) would answer "I do."

    I'm sure Liz would probably also ask your dad to get more involved in some way or another.

  • At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Ghost of Grandma Marian said…

    My daughter is a liar! Or stupid! Or a stupid liar, lying stupidly! That is NOT my dress!

    I wish I had never made that deathbed promise to Elly, to watch over the family. What an awful show that's been. Being dead is bad enough anyway, what with the Ghostly Grandpa from Family Circus hitting on me day after day. :(

    Ghost of Grandma Marian

  • At 10:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    patrickrsghost, i think the whole thing abt my dad thinking he doesn't have 2 do nething has 2 do w/preparations, not particip8ing in the ceremony. i think dad figures mom and others will take care of all the planning and logistics. then he'll just show up, walk liz down the aisle, make a toast @ the reception, get really drunk, then play with his choo-choo set until he loses consciousness.

    nope, totally not grandma marian's dress. hi, grandma marian. sorry the fam's been such a freakshow.


  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. It has been awhile since Mom has thrown things at Dad’s head. Frankly after all the head injuries from the coffee cups, I am glad to see she is going with something softer like a glove. I doubt it has anything to do with dueling. I think it has more to do with the fact that Dad’s skull probably cannot take another coffee cup-related head injury. You are too young to remember too much of this, but there was a time when I would avoid going into the kitchen for fear of seeing Dad laid out on the floor with blood pouring from his head as he was surrounded by shards of broken coffee cup.

    As for Mom’s motivation, all I can say is that she appears to have realized that is part of her youth she misses. My children enjoy throwing their Super Teddy so much that it has rubbed off on Mom, during the times she has babysat my kids. There is nothing like coming by your house to pick up our kids from Mom, to find a few pieces of Super Teddy fluff in her hair, as you hand over the flowers in payment for services rendered.

    As for yours and Gerald’s eventual wedding, I will try very hard not to tell you “I told you so” when the time comes; just as I did whenever Elizabeth would tell us about some boyfriend of hers, who wasn’t Anthony Caine.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u can wash me netime. we were l8 2 skool, but it wuz definitely worth it. i think i am cleanest i have evah been. did u notice the english teach & her assistant both sed i wuz a nice, clean young man & pinched my cheek (the 1 on my face)? wut kind of soap wuz that neway?

    it may sound kinda bad, but if i were ur dad, i wudn’t get newhere near ur mom & ur sis w/their weddin’ planz. i mean it might b fun 2 watch them fite ovah stuff, but i dunno wut i wud do if ur mom sed, “jeremy. i like the roses & elizabeth likes the orchids. which 1 do u like?” that wud b like a torture.

    oh, man. sorry i sed that if they make u help w/weddin’ planz. well, they prolly will, won’t they? sheesh. that sucks. i know i’m gonna regret this, but since ur my gf, if u get dragged n2 helpin’ out ur sis w/her weddin’, i’ll help u out w/wutevah u wunt. but if ur mom triez 2 hug me w/her breasts again, i am totally gonna stop. if i evn see those things wigglin’ @me, i am out of there. i had such bad dreams last nite, u wud not believe.

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well, your mom put Moira Kinney and my wife Beatrice Alfarero on “red alert” for any wedding cancellations in the summer that your sister can take over. Beatrice checked around and all the nice places for weddings and receptions are all taken, since summer time is just 1½ weeks away. It’s so bad, even Anne Nichols is booked up for wedding reception catering (poor saps). I think it’s because someone announced time was going to stop in Milborough on September 29th, and so a lot of people want to get married while they still can, just in case it turns out to be true.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if your mom calls on Lawrence Poirier for flowers as if he were a florist. On the other hand, that might not be a bad idea. Most people, who have weddings, don’t usually use landscapers as florists; and Lawrence might be available, whereas a regular florist might not. Of course Lawrence might still be a little mad that your folks bought a birch tree from him, but seemed to have forgotten his name. Lawrence likes Liz enough from when she used to work for him, that it probably won’t matter to him.

    In the meantime, my daughter María, who is engaged to Paul Mayes (Gordon Mayes’ son), anticipates she will be invited to the wedding as Paul Mayes’ date, as a part of the Mayes’ family; since Gordon is Anthony’s boss and he and Tracey were so instrumental in helping Anthony destroy his first marriage. As for me, I would be surprised if I get an invitation.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, when u r on yr deathbed, and i STILL have not married gerald (since i never, ever will), i will try 2 resist going "i told u so." or even "y on earth cdn't u ever take what i sed 2 u @ face value?"

    jeremy, it was a v. special soap w/concentr8ed natural botanicals formul8ed 4 top odour removal. i'm glad u enjoyed that. i did 2. totally worth the "tardy."

    howard, i wish it weren't true, but i m pretty sure u r rite abt not being invited 2 liz's wedding!


  • At 5:03 PM, OpenID dreadedcandiru2 said…

    It almost looked as if time was going stop Labor Day of last year, didn't it? But it didn't. I think that your brother is right when he says that the Johnston Institute will have your mother explain to us how we got where we are now.

  • At 8:00 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. When you say things like, “when you are on your deathbed”, it brings to mind other situations like when you said, “ I’ll wait ‘til it’s a best seller!” I certainly took what you said at face value then, because as soon as my novel, Stone Season was on a best-seller list, I reminded you of your promise to read my book. As for you and Gerald Delaney-Forsythe, if you don’t end up in a hug or a kiss with him before September, or are with him at Elizabeth’s wedding; then I will reconsider my opinion.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I think I may go to your sister’s wedding disguised as a silhouette. Beatrice didn’t think it was a good idea. Then I suggested I might go in a dress disguised as an ugly woman. Beatrice has warmed up to the silhouette idea.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:37 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, well that wuz weird. a bettin’ pool on wen ur sis iz gonna get married. the choices were:

    a. september 29, 2008
    b. september 29, 2008 + 30 more days
    c. september 29, 2008 + 60 more days
    d. september 29, 2009
    e. before jim richards dies
    f. after jim richards dies
    g. while jim richards is dying.
    h. while jim richards is reminiscing about his marriage to his first wife, marian.

    i don’t think u took that bettin’ pool v. well. i mean considerin’ u were runnin’ ‘round wavin’ that fryin’ pan @the bookie’s head.

  • At 9:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, as it happens, i did read yr book, like i sed i wd. i didn't say nething afterwards cuz i'd just finished reading 2 merrie and robin that book that ends w/the moral, "if u have nuthing nice 2 say, don't say nething."

    jeremy, yeah, i got upset @ the idea ppl were making bets abt my gramps dying. i don't wanna think abt that, it's 2 sad.

    howard, i will keep a v. close eye on all the silhouette peeps @ the wedding. clever idea!



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