April's Real Blog

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"


Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!


Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,


  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger Susan T-O said…

    April, I'm going to miss you. Your blog is pretty much the only reason I followed along with your family's stories. In fact, I had stopped for a long time & only went back to it when I was given the link to your blog. Thank you, and take care!

  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, susan t-o!


  • At 10:14 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Ive been hanging in North Bay this weekend w8ing 4 the witch. Aftah reading yr post this am, I dcided 2 man up & get it ovah with. I went 2 Corbeil & knocked on the witch's door.

    The witch sed, "Duncan, I thot u mite b looking 4 me. Come in & have a cup of coffee & a cinnamon bun."

    I was rilly skared & almost didnt go in but then I thot, wtf do I have 2 lose, Im stuck in Mboro w/ silhouette 'rents & a jerk of a big brother when I shud b in Barbados w/ my ril family.

    I sed 2 the witch, "U told Apes that 'the extended families, friends and acquaintances of the Pattersons continue to live and grow, love and laugh and experience life...'"

    "Yes," said the witch, "thats true. They do and will."

    Then I go, "But then u sed, 'as if part of a complex novel, whose pages are carefully crafted and then turned by another hand.'"

    The witch sed nuthing.

    I go, "My life. Dont u mean that it's my hand that will b doing the turning of my pages now?"

    The witch sighed & said, "I suppose ur rite."

    I was glad she agreed cos Ive never rilly been literary-minded & this life book cr*p was making my hed hurt.

    "So ur dun w/ me & I can have my life back now," I sed. The witch sed nuthing but, "Wld u like another cinnamon bun?"

    We talked abt the weather and Barbados, & then she sed goodbye. I felt so sad when I walked out the door. It was weird.

    I went thru my knapsack while I was w8ing 4 the bus back 2 Mboro. I found my passport & all my other id plus a one-way plane ticket 2 Bridgetown. Im leaving 2morrow.

    Apes, plz meet me @ Horny Ts this pm. Bring all yr peeps, even that crazee cowgirl Eva. I want 2 say goodbye.

    Yr best bud always & 4evah,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, that's a gr8 idea--we'll all meet @ ht's! c u in a coupla hrs, eh?


    p.s. i'll miss u, 2, but i know u'll b happier in barbados.

  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, eva, and i have just walked in2 horny t's. when we got here, dunc and becky were putting together sum tables so that a bunch of us can sit 2gether. gerald just walked in w/his gf adele. howard is here w/beatrice, ana, and maria. vicki simone and gordie r up @ the counter ordering. omg, kimmi lasalle just wandered in. and keesha grant is out front, getting outta her car. zandra larson, charles wallace, and arne just came in from the back door. wow, even zenia and zenobia r here. pierce inverarity and drew fontaine r also here. well, i'd better finish posting this so we can sit down. i'm sure more ppl will b getting her soon!


  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Kortney Krelbutz said…

    I hate the Pattersons and Milborough, but for some reason I want to be here and say goodbye. And have a double double. And Tim Bits.

    Kortney Krelbutz

  • At 1:08 PM, Anonymous Fiona Brass said…

    I just got April's message. Belmont IV and I are on our way to Tim Hortons!

    Fiona Brass

  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Chantal said…

    April, I really haven't seen you since you had that slumber party for your tenth birthday party, but Becky told me I should come by!


  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    duncky wuncky, can i go to barbaros w/u?

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Well, at least you're getting out while the getting is good. You don't want to be around when Elly starts rewriting the past.

  • At 2:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i guess it's kinda good my mom's gonna b focusing on stuff that happened long b4 i was born. i think she'll get bored and stop b4 she gets up 2 when i came along.


  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh man this is the best party evah.

    Especially the fite btween Kimmi & Evah. Catholic Military Skool Girls r the cubest.\!

    Zed is trying 2 bring me down. She says I didnt understand wtf the witch rote, I say who cares, the witch didnt understand wtf she rote either so Im free.

    Will sum1 bring me another maple dip & dbl dbl when ur @ the counter kthx.

    Yr bestest bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    Charles Wallace and I had this strong need to go to Milborough today. Arne drove us over, since he said he had to pick up some things from his old apartment.
    It's been an odd weekend. My family went to the CNE yesterday, since my parents have some weird attachment to it. We passed by a fortune teller on the midway, and she called Charles Wallace over to her.
    "Hey! Small child! I have your fortune!" Charles Wallace dragged me over and said,
    "But fortune telling is just a variety of illusion when you tell the subject a series of suitably vague statements. That's what my uncle said." The fortune teller frowned.
    "I'm real, you little prig. What's your last name?"
    "Larson," Charles Wallace said. The fortune teller frowned again.
    "Damn. I only have real futures for Pattersons."
    "Well, give him a fake one," I said.
    "Suit yourself, missy. I'm only accurate on Pattersons. OK, both of you will get PhDs, neither will teach, he'll do computer games, you'll be a lawyer. Happy?" Charles Wallace and I looked at each other. Then we both mumbled something about having to go to the Tiny Tom Donuts booth. Anyway, here we are at Tim Hortons, and Charles Wallace is dissecting a Strawberry Blossom doughnut.


  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc sure likes his maple dips and dbl dbls! when i brot them 2 him, i thot i mite lose a hand!

    luckily, kimmi calmed down enuf not 2 put eva in hospital. now they're laffing abt the whole thing. weird, eh?

    that 4tune teller zandra was talking abt sounds creepy, doesn't she? there seems 2 b a lot of that going around!


  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Its gr8 that theres a stage in Horny Ts now. Beckers new arrangement of Purple Lips is gr8. Im going 2 ask Perdita if we can book her @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas 4 Xmas or mayb March break next year.

    BTW, thx 4 the XL dbl-dbl. I think Ill just stay up all nite & sleep on the plane 2morrow.


    Yr best bud,
    Duncan Anderson

    p.s. Beckers, if ur feeling nostalgic, Ill meet u bhind the DQ after closing time.

  • At 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    While I may be a ghost, I do have more power than most other ghosts you've heard or read about in movies, books, or TV shows, whether they're real (some of the famous haunted places you might have heard about, like the Tower of London or a few places in Ontario), or fictional, like the ghosts in Dickens' "A Christmas Carol in Prose". One of those powers is the ability to transport myself voluntarily to Milborough, Corbeil, and elsewhere in Canada and see what everyone up there is, or was, up to.

    I also witnessed the reception just as you described it, with the loud booming voice and slide show and everything. Unfortunately, many of you don't know what happened after the presentation was over.

    On my travels, I witnessed thousands of people looking at their newspapers' Sunday comics, reading that strip, and *sniff-sniffling*. Many of them knew well in advance this day was coming. They already had a box of Kleenex or Puffs next to them on their tables. I then witnessed many of them head to Lilliput's, all red-eyed and drippy-nosed, telling your mom what a great 29 years it's been, they've enjoyed every single minute of the strip, recalled all the good times, the bad times, and how everyone held together, "for better or for worse."

    Albeit being a ghost, I still can experience certain emotions or feelings that you the living can experience. One of those feelings is revulsion. The same kind you tend to get when your mom or dad are trying to be wise, or when anyone, even yourself, makes a bad pun.

    Before returning to my assigned haunting place in west Georgia, I witnessed something else among a lot of the customers at Lilliput's, and also those that couldn't go, but still somehow tell your mom their opinions. They began cutting out the strip from their papers (I'm sure you heard the snip-snipping), but instead of placing it on the refrigerator, like they have so many hundreds or thousands of others, they placed it in a neat matte picture frame, and then hung it on the wall along with all their other photos of friends, family members, long-passed pets, and any scenery they snapped pictures of.

    Some of the people at Lilliput's felt it wasn't enough to cut out the strip from their Sunday paper, or print it off their computers (especially since some of them only have black-and-white printers). While ordering their coffee at the counter, they also ordered a copy of the strip, which was printed on a thicker piece of paper, suitable for framing. I witnessed some of them taking it next door to the Frame Shoppe and asking them to frame it.

    I thought that frame shop had closed down, so I went in, materialized myself into a real person, and asked them why they're located next to a coffee shop/bookstore that sells only certain books by certain authors, model trains parts and accessories just so your dad doesn't have to pay full price, the coffee isn't all that great, and the only thing people go in to do is to talk to the proprietor (your mom), hardly really buying anything except maybe the occasional flashback book of your lives. They told me that once in a while those people come into their shop with a copy of a strip, either cut from their newspapers, printed off the Internet (some don't care if it's in black and white), or purchased from your mom's bookstore, and ask that the strip be framed. They showed me a bunch of pre-made matte frames specifically for the strips, whether it's a Sunday strip, a daily strip, or a collection of strips telling a particular story (like when Farley died, when Mike's friend Lawrence "came out", they told me, were the two they'd seen the most). They then asked me if I had brought my cut-out in and wanted it framed. I said I didn't, that I don't buy a local newspaper, and I don't print them out unless I find them very funny. Which wasn't often. I left the shop, looked in on Lilliput's, and sure enough a lot of them were, in fact, gathered around your mom.

    While out I also heard a thunderous *TAPPITY-TAP-TAP-TAPPITY-TAPPITY-TAP* of millions of keyboards, typing out best wishes to your mom and to the WOC as well.

  • At 6:18 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, I pulled out sum of the weddin’ viddy frum the reception & the peeps here r enjoyin’ it. here’s1 that got sum laffs:

    Carol Enjo: Holy crap! I can’t see. It’s completely black in this hotel.
    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Carol Enjo: Tell them to turn on the lights.
    Keith Enjo: It’s not the lights. My eyelids are completely shut.
    Carol Enjo: Dawn! Dawn! What’s going on? My eyes won’t open.
    Dawn Enjo: Mom. Ouch!! Hit a chair. It’s been that way all week. It’s something about this wedding.
    Keith Enjo: The wedding? How can you tell?
    Dawn Enjo: I can see fine except when I am doing something with this wedding.
    Carol Enjo: Is the bride or groom here yet?
    Dawn Enjo: How would I know? Shawna-Marie!! Have Liz or Anthony come from hospital yet?
    Shawna-Marie Verano: No. They are still there. I asked what was going on, and someone said they were watching their grandfather sleep and discussing the philosophy of life with their step-grandmother.
    Carol Enjo: How can she see and I can’t?
    Dawn Enjo: It only affects people from Asian descent. Shawna-Marie isn’t Asian.
    Carol Enjo: I know Shawna-Marie isn’t Asian. I’m not blind. OK. I used to not be blind.
    Keith Enjo: Asian descent. This is that slanty-eye Asian thing again. I’ve had enough of this. Let’s go honey. Maybe you can get Shawna-Marie to call us a cab.
    Shawna-Marie Verano: OK. You’re a cab. Just kidding. I’ll call.
    Me: Um…Do you have anything to say to the couple, even though you can’t see?
    Carol Enjo: I’ll say something. Elizabeth, Asians can open their eyes. But for me, my husband and my daughter to not be able to open our eyes, really opens my eyes about you and your views about Asians.
    Me: Um…Anyone else?
    Dawn Enjo: Sorry, Liz, I can’t take it anymore either. I’m leaving with mom and dad. If you get here, probably Shawna-Marie will be your only bridesmaid left. I heard most of the people got tired of waiting and left. Maybe you could give me copies of the pictures of the wedding, so I can see how it looked.

  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i mostly understand yr post, patrickrsghost, xxcept where u keep referring 2 a "strip" and refer 2 my mom as the proprietor of lilliput's. my mom used 2 own it, but she sold it 2 moira kinney. she still hangs out there all the time and keeps a "hand in," though.

    and "strips"--at 1st i thout mayB u meant "blondie," cuz my dad likes that so much. but then u talked abt farley and lawrence, and there were never ne "blondie" strips abt them. oh, well, it's not the 1st time in my life i didn't understand sumthing.

    jeremy, now i know y i saw shawna-marie leading dawn and her parents out, like they kinda formed a chain. i thot mayB they were reprising the conga.


  • At 6:46 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, here’s anothah weddin’ viddy frum the reception

    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Connie Poirier: I do. Elizabeth, the wedding was so beautiful and so wonderful. I was really touched when your mother let me sit with the family. It was almost like being the mother of the bride, which I can never be, except for step-daughters, which don’t count.
    Lawrence Poirier: Mom. I am not going to do drag, just so you can be mother-of-the-bride. If Nicholas and I were to get married, which we won’t, we would both wear tasteful suits.
    Greg Thomas: Why aren’t you getting married? It’s legal. It may be disgusting, but at least it’s not against the law. And where is Nicholas?
    Lawrence Poirier: Greg. It is not disgusting. I have many friends who have had tasteful and quite beautiful weddings.
    Greg Thomas: In Milborough?
    Lawrence Poirier: No. Not in Milborough. You know we can’t get married in this town.
    Greg Thomas: So, where is Nick anyway? This isn’t one of things where he doesn’t want to be around me is it?
    Lawrence Poirier: Although that is a reasonable guess, this time it is not the reason. Nicholas was requested to stay away by the bride and groom who thought he might be mistaken for the groom, if the groom was secretly bald and normally wore a toupee.
    Greg Thomas: You’ve got to be kidding.
    Lawrence Poirier: I wish I were. Oh, kid with the camera. I do have something to say. Elizabeth. Just because I donated these flowers to your wedding, Elizabeth, please do not tell people I am a florist. I had enough trouble with that after your brother got married. Landscaper is the title. Not florist. Landscaper.
    Connie Poirier: The flowers were a beautiful thought, Lawrence.
    Lawrence Poirier: Thanks mom.
    Greg Thomas: Well, I’ve had enough waiting. Let’s go home.
    Connie Poirier: I have to stay and support Elly. Also, she is planning to start reminiscing about the past starting on Monday and I need to be with her for that.
    Greg Thomas: You don’t have to be with her every time she starts reminiscing.
    Connie Poirier: Yes. Yes, I do. We’ve talked about this Greg.
    Greg Thomas: Well, I can’t believe you’re serious. Elly Patterson?
    Connie Poirier: We’ve been very close this year, closer than any year before.
    Lawrence Poirier: What are you talking about, mom?
    Greg Thomas: Your mother has this crazy idea she’s a lesbian.
    Lawrence Poirier: Good for you mom, I think. Are you going to throw her out of the house, Greg?
    Greg Thomas: I don’t have to. She’s going over to Elly Patterson’s place to help her reminisce starting Monday.
    Me: Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Greg Thomas: Elizabeth Patterson, your mother is a wife-stealer. And not only that but…What the hell is that?
    Lawrence Poirier: It looks like a projection screen. Mom, is this a part of the wedding?
    Connie Poirier: I don’t know.
    Greg Thomas: It looks like they are on a cruise together.
    Lawrence Poirier: Maybe it’s overlooking a lake.
    Connie Poirier: You bitch! You cheating bitch! You’re supposed to leave John for me.

    then there was that scuffle between your mom and connie poirier.

  • At 7:26 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I must say that I am sorry to see your Real Blog come to an end. I am especially sorry that it has come to end without you mentioning my wedding reception speech. Admittedly, it did not get the audience it deserved because, by the time Elizabeth and Anthony finally showed up to the wedding reception, the only people left were you, Mom and Dad, Josef Weeder, my wife Deanna, Gordon Mayes, Lawrence Poirier (whose parents left after that shouting match with mom), Shawna-Marie, and my son who had fallen asleep due to the lateness of the hour. Nevertheless, I have decided to share it with you. Here is the speech:

    Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your shoes. Mom made take mine off at the door, and my feet are starting to get a little cold. Just kidding. I have extra thick socks on.

    We are here to celebrate the joining in matrimony of Anthony Caine and my slightly older, little sister, Elizabeth. I won’t say this is a moment we have been waiting to happen for a long time, but I remember years ago when I first discovered Anthony and Elizabeth were dating, I was so surprised I nearly fell off my dinosaur.

    All kidding aside, I had an experience last year when my apartment burned down, that gave me a greater appreciation for Elizabeth than I ever had before. We were all living in mom’s house (my house now), and we were crammed in there together. However, living at home gave me the chance to get to know my sister better. We've had our frustrations. It wasn't easy sharing everything from sofas to Shreddies to time in the can. Compromise rules and the promise of new lodgings for us and for Elizabeth kept us sane. I remember thinking to myself, “I wish Anthony would propose so we can get Elizabeth out of the house.” Unfortunately that didn’t happen, or we might have had this wedding in August, 2007.

    Every day, I admire more the sister I used to tease and fight with. Elizabeth has become a patient and conscientious teacher. Her students mean the world to her and their progress is due to her innovative ways and her generous good nature. She has devoted herself to her job, and I am sure that next year will be the first year where she does not have any students who ask to be transferred to a different teacher.

    I remember last year living with Elizabeth. Her private life was like a roller coaster without a protective bar, so every time there was a big drop, some body would fall out of or into her life. Many evenings we spent, just the two of us, talking about life and love and "how do you know when someone is RIGHT for you?" I told Elizabeth, when it comes to a husband, it's not enough for him to give up his job for you. It’s not enough for him to give up his home for you. You can't just give up everything important to you for the love of a woman. That is not the way to find someone who will be committed to you. It takes something else. Something special.

    Then I reminded her of an old game we used to play. Elizabeth and I used to divide our back yard into "lands". There was jumping land, hopping land, there was rolling, running and statue land. Once the boundaries were established, the trick was to remember which was which as we chased each other from land to land, making the appropriate movements as we went. Arguments were always about who rolled when they should have jumped and no fair landing on "statue" just because you were tired! We eventually decided that "statue" was the loser's land, to be avoided at all times. Rules were expanded to allow one to shove the other into "statue" which, naturally, gave us another excuse to cry foul. We could do this for hours - and it was free.

    I said to Elizabeth, our old game with divided “lands” is an analogy for the kind of man you want. I man you can get for free. A man you can just make up rules over. A man who is like a back yard, you can divide into lands. A man who will give up nothing to be with you. That man is obviously Anthony Caine. I congratulate my sister for finally realizing she has made the right choice in a spouse.

    And of course, this whole wedding would not be possible if it weren’t for my mother, Elly Patterson. She puts the grand in grandmother. She is the sugar in everyone’s coffee. She is the one who kept my sister, Elizabeth from committing suicide as she went through the wedding planning. And she is also a terrific book editor, as you all know from reading my 2 novels which have made the best-seller list, and I know you will love the one which will be published next month. When I think about my mom and the years that she has dedicated to making sure Elizabeth knew that Anthony Caine was the right choice for her, I am simply amazed. Other parents might say, “Anthony’s married. Anthony has a child. Pushing your daughter toward him is immoral.” Those people don’t know my mom. Some people think they know morality, but mom has a morality all her own, better than any I have ever seen anywhere. She knew, all along, Anthony was the right one for Elizabeth, and as you can all see from today’s celebration, she was right once again, as she always is. So, a toast to Elly Patterson. Hip! Hip!

    {And the crowd was supposed to say “Hooray” there. What actually happened, was Josef Weeder whispered to me, “Mike, you’re supposed to toast the bride and groom.” So I had to do that instead.}

    That was my speech. I am sure all the people who left the wedding early are happy that I have chosen to share it with you, so they did not miss out.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i think jeremy's worked up an appetite w/all that transcribing. i'm gonna get him sum tim bits.


  • At 7:36 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Thanks for inviting Beatrice, Ana, María and me to your farewell party for Duncan Anderson. The girls are having a good time, and it has provided a teaching opportunity for me as a parent. I keep saying, “Ana. María. That is what happens to someone when they drink too much coffee.”

    Becky McGuire is a fantastic singer. I was quite impressed with her rendition of the song Purple Lips. My daughter, Ana, thought “purple lips” was a euphemism for something dirty, until I pointed out Duncan’s lip colour to her. Then she said, “Does he have lip blood circulation problems?” I don’t know the answer to that one.

    Just out of curiosity, do you know what Becky McGuire meant when she said to me, “I will have you back, Howard. I don’t care if you are married with children and ex-army. If Liz Patterson can do it, so can I.”? She said that and then she said she was going out behind the DQ with Duncan for a bit. It was very confusing. Sometimes those pop music stars are a little eccentric in their behaviour.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    I still think if I'd had just a bit more time I could have convicted Anthony as the Sicko Stargazer who was peeping on the elderly and hanging around school playgrounds. Dash it all.
    Well, good luck nursing large animals; I know two things about the horse, and one of them is rather course.
    Sgt. Royalson

  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike asked me 2 post the song i wrote and performed @ the reception. here goes:

    anthony and elizabeth,
    marriage isn't certain death,
    mike used 2 call liz "lizardbreath,"
    and here we r 2day!

    here's 2 the bride and groom,
    this isn't abt the doom and gloom,
    or who cheated when and on whom
    we'll leave all that 2 "yesterday."

    lizzie and the antman
    sed "can we marry? yes we can!"
    insta-family just add water,
    liz can now call francie "daughter."

    john and elly did a cheer
    when they heard the man they hold so dear
    fulfilled my big fear
    the proposal that led 2 this day

    now antman is my bro-in-law,
    he believes he has no flaw,
    if i had a gun, i'd draw,
    ok, just needed 2 have my say!


    then mom yanked me away from my mic.


  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, u and becky had a lot of history 2gether b4 history got rewritten a coupla times. u can retrace it by going back 2 august of 2005 and working your way forward. otoh, mayB u shd just enjoy life as u know it now.


  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i transcribed another 1, but this 1 iz a little disturbin'.

    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Phil Richards: Sure I do. Elizabeth, I just want you and…
    Phil Richards: That’s annoying. That voice is so loud. And what does it mean, Mike is going to get a film contract? I’ve read his books and I think they are pretty much unfilmable.
    Deanna Patterson: Cheese. 2 more books. And a film contract. I am not going to get any help around the house. This is bad news.
    Georgia Richards: Well, Deanna, I know exactly how you feel. It’s tough being a woman in the medical profession with a husband who is an artist.
    Phil Richards: It’s not as bad as she makes it look. I teach more than I play, and we get summers off for vacations through Europe. I love visiting my Auntie Phyllis.
    Deanna Patterson: Mike doesn’t get any time off, except just after he’s finished a book. I would love it if he were a teacher like you, Phil. The last time you visited, 2 years ago, I hoped you would be an influence on Mike. We had some good talks about balancing art with family life.
    Me: Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Deanna Patterson: Oh, sorry, Jeremy. Yes. Elizabeth, remember what I said about marriage, and how I will be there for you, when the times get tough, as I know they will. Also, I loved sewing your dress. I would love to do a little bit more of that, so if any of your single friends get married, let me know.
    Georgia Richards: Elizabeth. It’s been so long since we got to talk, but I am so glad you’re finally married, so we can finally stop talking about when you are getting married.
    Deanna Patterson: We’ll just start talking about when the baby is due.
    Georgia Richards: Right. So, if you are ever in Montreal, look us up.
    Phil Richards: Whenever she is in Montreal? No one in this family comes to visit us in Montreal. If someone ever did, then they would be up to some hanky-panky, that’s for sure.
    Deanna Patterson: Yay!! Sewing school. Finally I can spend time with my kids.
    Georgia Richards: “Goes annually to the Montreal ‘Just For Laughs’ festival.” What does that mean? No one comes to Montreal from this family. You just said so yourself, Phil. Is there something that happened between you and Deanna when you came to visit 2 years ago?
    Phil Richards: No! Nothing happened! I stayed in a hotel. This is just a coincidence.
    Georgia Richards: ‘Just For Laughs’ is standup comedians. It’s not suitable for kids. What is going on here?
    Phil Richards: Nothing is going on. The projection voice just got it wrong is all. It just said they were going to the festival. Not visiting us.
    Deanna Patterson: Well, if we went all the way to Montreal, we would certainly visit you.
    Georgia Richards: I see the pattern here. She works in the medical profession, just like I do. She’s younger. She’s prettier. She has kids. I suppose she likes men with beards.
    Deanna Patterson: Sometimes people tell me I am Michael’s beard.
    Georgia Richards: She even admits it. Phil Richards. I am leaving now. Don’t you talk to me, unless you have a good explanation. {She leaves}
    Phil Richards: But Georgia. It was just a projection. It’s not true. Georgia. Don’t leave.
    Deanna Patterson: It looks like she left. She was certainly getting excited over nothing. By the way, when we come to Montreal, I am going to get one room for me, and one room for the kids by themselves, so we won’t disturb them. That worked out pretty well last time.
    Phil Richards: You're right. It did. Are you still recording this? Give me that tape!
    Me: It's digital. Hey! Let go or you're gonna break it!

    then he chased me a little, but he'z kinda old & he cudn't keep up.

  • At 9:41 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    zomg! 0_o


  • At 11:27 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i transcribed another 1.

    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Candace Halloran: Yes!! It’s your day, girlfriend! Remember our pact! Best friends forever. Weeeaaaaaugh!
    Rudy Dodd: Candace. I think that’s a little over-the-top.
    Candace Halloran:Rudy, my man. Liz is my home girl. She is down with it.
    Ruby Andrews: Rudy’s right, hon. Liz is a smart girl. She’ll figure out you’re making fun of her.
    Candace Halloran: Oh, Auntie Roo. You’re no fun. Liz knows how I feel about marriage, and she still wanted me to be a bridesmaid and wear this thing.
    Rudy Dodd: I think you look good.
    Candace Halloran: You only like this dress because I am about to fall out of it.
    Rudy Dodd: Nothing wrong with that. At least I am being honest.
    Me: Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Ruby Andrews: Elizabeth, honey. I am so glad I lived long enough to see you married. I know I’ll die before I see Candace married. So at least one of my university girls is set.
    Rudy Dodd: Her other university girl is set too. We just don’t believe in marriage.
    Ruby Andrews: You see this lovely ceremony and you don’t want one for your own?
    Candace Halloran: Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!
    Rudy Dodd: Pshhttwha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
    Ruby Andrews: What’s so funny?
    Candace Halloran: Oh, Auntie Roo. The bride and the groom aren’t even here.
    Rudy Dodd: They said they were visiting her Grandpa in the hospital.
    Candace Halloran: That was hours ago. Everyone has left. The groom’s family is completely gone. The matron of honour is gone.
    Me: I’m still here. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Rudy Dodd: Oh sorry, man. I think I’m the only one who hasn’t talked. Um. Liz. Thanks for the free booze.
    Candace Halloran: That was good. Classy. You’re a classy guy, Rudy.
    Rudy Dodd: That’s why you love me.
    Candace Halloran: It certainly is.
    Ruby Andrews: Well, this has been an interesting wedding. I haven’t to been to one this strange since my cousin Archie almost got married to his girlfriends Betty and Veronica on the same day. Now that was a mess. This wedding is pretty close though.
    Candace Halloran: It’s getting late. We need to get you home. I don’t think we can wait any longer.

    then they got up & left. i think i have almost all of these transcribed.

  • At 11:54 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i transcribed another 1.

    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Dennis North: Uh, yeah. Elizabeth. This was a really weird wedding to go to. Not because it’s a bad ceremony or anything like that; but…well it is kind of weird about your grandfather having a heart attack. Sorry to hear about that. What I mean is, I remember back when we went to the New Years’ Eve party, back in 2004, and you made this big deal about how you and Anthony were just friends and you weren’t doing anything wrong and his wife was just insanely jealous and how you had to move to the Northwest to get away from all the craziness. So, I get this invitation to your wedding, and I am thinking, “What the hell happened to you?” You seemed so sincere, back in 2004; and now I am thinking you were just using me to get at this guy and break up his marriage so you could have him. That is not right, Liz. Not right. I don’t like being used, eh?
    Gary Crane: Oh, that’s nothing.
    Vivian Crane: Gary. This is a happy occasion. Don’t embarrass Elizabeth.
    Dennis North: What happened?
    Gary Crane: Without giving any details, let’s just say Elizabeth Patterson was known for dating more than one guy and having them “happen” to meet.
    Dennis North: So they would get in a fight?
    Gary Crane: Let’s just say it was her little way of making sure the competition knew the other existed.
    Greta: You’re talking about Warren Blackwood and Paul Wright, aren’t you?
    Vivian Crane: You know them?
    Greta: Sure. Through the network. Everyone knows all the details about Elizabeth’s love life, no matter how far or remote they may seem to be.
    Dennis North: Why didn’t I hear about it?
    Greta: You’re not an Ojibway or a member of the service organizations of the police, fire or judiciary.
    Me: Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Greta: Miigwetch for the invitation, Elizabeth. You seem to be very happy. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage.
    Gary Crane: Vivian and I wished we could have had a chance to talk to you, Elizabeth, since we drove all the way down from Mtigwaki. However, let me say, you don’t have to worry about the Mtigwaki School. It’s going well. Jesse Mukwa wanted to be here with his Aunt Marge, but unfortunately Jesse is spending his time with the juvenile justice system. I am afraid to say he was caught stealing things.
    Vivian Crane: It was a real shame. Jesse said he got in the habit of stealing and then he just couldn’t stop. I wish we had known early about it, so we could put a halt to it before he got in real trouble. But don’t trouble yourself about this. The good news is that the Mtigwaki School got the Ontario Award for Teaching Excellence.
    Gary Crane: I am so excited about. It goes to show that all the work we have done to turn around Aboriginal education has paid off. And you should get part credit for it, because until you were teaching there, I don’t anyone knew how bad it had gotten.
    Dennis North: Congratulations, Elizabeth.
    Greta: Congratulations. You’ve made a difference.
    Dennis North: When Liz and Anthony get here, and they start the music, would you like to dance?
    Greta: All right. But I think the DJ is packing up his equipment and leaving.
    Dennis North: Is it that late? I have to go too.

  • At 12:19 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i transcribed another 1.

    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Gordon Mayes: Yes. Anthony, you are a fine employee and I really enjoyed driving you to the wedding and ushering for you. In case you were wondering, those tickets I put in your pocket really are for your honeymoon. And in case you didn’t figure it out, I asked Dr. Patterson to remind you. Also, I would like you to know that your idea about my investing in a bed-and-breakfast as the next expansion of the “Mayes Motors Empire” is not going to work. “Mayes Motors Empire”. He-he-he! Sorry. That still cracks me up. Anyway, I had Julia run the numbers and she said I would lose too much money. Thanks for the suggestion though.
    Tracey Mayes: This wedding was so beautiful Elizabeth and you were just gorgeous in your grandmother’s old wedding dress.
    Anne Nichols: Her grandmother’s old wedding dress?
    Tracey Mayes: There’s a little bit of material from her grandmother’s old wedding dress in the one she is wearing.
    Moira Kinney: It looks like one off the rack.
    Tracey Mayes: Trust me. There’s a little bit of material from her grandmother’s in there.
    Beatrice Alfarero: They’ve made a big deal about it. That’s why they are taking so long at the hospital, to make sure her grandfather sees her in the dress.
    Moira Kinney: That’s so sweet.
    Steve Nichols: I’m starving. When are we going to eat?
    Anne Nichols: When the bride and groom get here. If you are so hungry, then go eat some of Howard Bunt’s food!! Dammit!!!
    Steve Nichols: It’s all Vegan crap. I need human food.
    Anne Nichols: There are some moments, Steve, when I know I how much I love you. And this is one of them.
    Steve Nichols: Anne, if we could go back in time, I mean…if I asked you to…
    Anne Nichols: Yes, Steve….with all my heart, I would!
    Steve Nichols: OK. I’m going out to get a burger, like I wanted to before we got here. Anyone coming with me?
    Tracey Mayes: I’m there.
    Moira Kinney: Me too. Eric. Wake up.
    Eric Kinney: What? Are they here yet?
    Moira Kinney: No. We’re going for a burger.
    Eric Kinney: Count me in.
    Moira Kinney: How about you, Beatrice?
    Beatrice Alfarero: Howard would be upset if I ate meat. We’ll just go home. The girls are really tired.
    Gordon Mayes: I have to stay. They’ll notice if am missing, plus I have to make out some cheques to pay for this thing.
    Tracey Mayes: OK. I’ll see you at the house.

    that wuz it 4 that 1. 2 more.

  • At 12:48 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i transcribed another 1.

    Me: I'm recording video greetings from the guests to the bride and groom. Do you have anything to say to the couple?
    Mira Sobinski: Well, Yes. Elizabeth, that little dropdown presentation was very interesting. Your son will be James Allen, named after your grandfather. Congratulations in advance on your pregnancy.
    Wilf Sobinski: Elizabeth. I am glad to be invited to your wedding. It was a good ceremony. If you ever need any hardware, I can get it for you at a family discount rate. I hope your marriage is at least successful as Mira’s and mine is.
    Mira Sobinski: Is that all you need?
    Me: Yes.
    Mira Sobinski: Good. James Allen. You see, Wilf, there is no shame in naming your children after your parents or grandparents in the Patterson family, contrary to what we were told before.
    Wilf Sobinski: Why couldn’t Robin be Wilf then?
    Mira Sobinski: You know very well the reason. Michael got all obsessed with Robin and his Merry men, after his daughter was nicknamed Merrie from Meredith.
    Wilf Sobinski: Stupid reason for a name, if you ask me. If you can get Meredith named after you, by calling her Merrie to sound like Mira, then why couldn’t Robin have a nickname like Wolfie to be like Wilf?
    Mira Sobinski: Is this a serious question? It took a long time to figure out a name for Meredith that would name her after me and still fool those Pattersons. I think Wolfie would be too obvious, for even them.
    Wilf Sobinski: I still don’t see why she couldn’t be called Mary instead of Meredith. That would be closer to Mira.
    Mira Sobinski: Wilf. We can’t do that because aprilp_katje would get upset. Oh, there’s Deanna.
    Wilf Sobinski: Deanna, honey. You’re going to quit pharmacy?
    Deanna Sobinski: Dad, you know I stink as a pharmacist. It’s been a running joke ever since I got confused about birth control back in 2002.
    Mira Sobinski: Right. It’s in our genes. I used to be a nurse, and I had to change my name from Eva, and darken my hair thanks to that mistake I made in nursing. I am much better at sewing. You may think those flower girl dresses are hideous, but you should have seen what they originally wanted. Deanna, I think a sewing school would be great, and it’s good to have it out in the open. Did you slip the witch a bribe?
    Deanna Sobinski: I was right in line behind the guy from the Calgary Stampede and the guy from the Montreal ‘Just For Laughs’ festival.
    Mira Sobinski: I can’t wait to get started on our school. It is going to be so much fun to be with my daughter all the time again.
    Deanna Sobinski: I’ve missed you, mom.
    Mira Sobinski: What about mother Elly?
    Deanna Sobinski: One thing I have learned, living in Milborough for the last 2 years, is what a good mom I have in Burlington.
    Mira Sobinski: You’ve finally come back to me. Things have gone full circle.
    Wilf Sobinski: It’s good to see you two back together again, just like it was at the beginning.

    1 more april & it's the best 1.

  • At 1:12 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, this iz the last 1 to transcribe

    Me: Crap! Calgary? Country living and country boy! F**k! I am completely screwed.
    April Patterson:You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline.
    Me: Veganism. Nothing about the country boy. Dammit. I am going to be drop-kicked to the curb.
    April Patterson: Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out.
    Me: This is…I thought…Calgary is the 3rd largest city in Canada. How is that country? That doesn’t matter. I am going to lose her. I am going to lose her to a freaking fake Calgary cowboy. I love her.
    Projection screen voice: WHATEVER!
    April Patterson: Jeremy! Jeremy! Are you all right?
    Me: I am going to lose you…I love you so much. I was going to get into Guelph to be with you, and….
    April Patterson: Hush, Jeremy. You’re not going to lose me. It’s just that stupid old witch again. She doesn’t control me anymore. She’s lost all her power. Look! I am taking my hair down and it’s not popping back up in a propeller bun.
    Me: Yeah. It’s not popping up.
    April Patterson: She’s given up all her power, so she can go back and change things in the past no one cares about but her. I’m still here. I love you.
    Me: But what if you decide you want to be with a Calgary cowboy and not a childhood sweetheart?
    April Patterson: If you’re with someone who really loves you, it doesn’t matter if they are a cowboy or a childhood sweetheart.
    Me: So, you’re going to check to see if the cowboy really loves you?
    April Patterson: Jeremy Jones. Shut up and kiss me.

    that wuz the best 1. i luv u, april patterson.

  • At 10:33 AM, Blogger rafe said…

    Sad to see you go Apes.

    Still at least you escape your family, even if you have to tell them stories about working at the Stampede.

  • At 10:36 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, rafe! it's gonna b weird not blogging here nemore. it's been part of my daily routine since i was 14!


  • At 3:09 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Im back in Barbados. Even Perdita was happy 2c me. She said Silhouette Duncan drove her crazee, he was 2 perfect & our 'rents liked him better than her. Silhouette me disappeared during yesterday's day shift @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas, rite about the time I was visiting the witch. No, he's not buried in the goat pen, I checked.

    So evrythings cube again. I've got my Grade 12 diploma, my drivers licence, my job, my wheels, & when Im 18, my moms share of Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. Things r looking rilly good 4 MCDunC!

    Ill b thinking of u 2morrow am when u hafta go back 2 RP Boire. Keep in touch, eh?

    Yr best bud 4evah,
    Duncan Anderson

    p.s. Come & visit whenever u want, u can bring Jer if u want 2.

  • At 3:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, man, u r sooooo lucky!!! part of me wishes the witch had made u stay in mboro and do grade 12 w/me @ rp boire. but i know u'd b way unhappy, so i'll try and let go of my selfish thots! i'll miss u a lot tho!


  • At 5:40 PM, Blogger Jess said…

    Hey April! Thanks so much for making the effort to write every day - it's been so fun (and therapeutic) to hear your side of the story. Best of luck at University!

    PS - Thanks also to everyone else who wrote in from Milborough - it's been great to hear your voices!

  • At 8:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx, jess! :)


  • At 7:31 PM, Anonymous Thorvald McGuire said…


    By Odin's one good eye, let us lift a glass of Brennavin and have a plate of rancid shark meat tonight. Johanna Sigurdardottir, Iceland's openly lesbian minister of social affairs, will take over Iceland's government as prime minister. It is a good time for gays and Icelanders alike.

    Thorvald McGuire

  • At 8:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    here, here, mr. mcguire! that's awesome!


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous Thorvald McGuire said…


    By Ymir’s frosty beard, I swear that I was not responsible for Eyjafjallajokull volcano. There are some who have suggested that it is the result of me cooking up too much rancid shark meat, while drinking too much Brennavin. Anyone seeing with the clear vision of Heimdall, would know even I am not responsible for volcanoes. If you hear anyone blame me, tell them I was in Milborough at the time and not anywhere visiting my uncle in Iceland.

    Thorvald McGuire

  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…



Post a Comment

<< Home