April's Real Blog

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Like Always, Eh?

If you thought Liz's next message to me was gonna be about sharing her engagement/getting married someday, maybe-probably news with the fam, then you are wrong. Here's the latest she sent me:

Don't listen to Mike. If Gerald shows up divorced and has a half-Pakistani, or half-whatever-else kid, wanting to marry you, don't accept. Those half-whatsis kids get in the way of all the fun. Like for instance, after the stuff I told you about in my last e-mail, where we told little Frenchy that we were discussing marriage and she asked if she could still have her own room, she suddenly asked Anthony, "Daddy... can I talk to you over here... alone?" Anthony grinned his super-happy smile at her and said, "Of course!" They went into her room, and of course I tiptoed over there and listened at the doorway to see if Frenchy said anything bad about me.

I heard her voice saying, "What's gonna happen to me if you marry Elizabeth?" As usual, I had to remind myself of Frenchy's age. You might remember, she turned three on March 7. And all this stuff I am telling you happened at the very end of February (I am super at keeping the plot twists under wraps!). I'll have to check my old child-development textbook from university, but I am pretty sure normal kids her age don't talk or think like this. But this is Milborough. You might remember that one of the signs outside of the Milborough border is "Milborough: Forget what you think you know about child development."

So, where was I? Right, Frenchy asking what's gonna happen to her if Anthony and I get married. I wonder if the little snoop found my brochures from the boarding schools. Anthony told her, "You'll live in a happy home with two people who love you very much." For a moment there, I wondered who else was going to move in with us. Then I realized that he meant that he and I both love Frenchy very much. I guess that's the kind of thing he has to say to get her to not bug us about planning our wedding.

Next, I heard Frenchy asking, "Do I hafta call her 'Mom'?" And Anthony said, "No, you can call her 'Elizabeth,' like always." Then, I heard Frenchy asking, "What about my REAL mom?" And Anthony told her, "When she has time, you'll see her and talk to her--just like always. And I will be here for you, sweetheart. You know that." And Frenchy said, "...Just like always." Then I peeked in the doorway and say them hugging. And I felt a bit jealous, because while I had given Anthony a big hug after he'd said that stuff about how we could say we were engaged (which some mean people have been saying isn't necessarily the same as actually BEING engaged, those meanies), he still hadn't given ME a big old hug. And I really wanted one.

Well, you know what Sunday means. Probably a whole different story, maybe not even told by me. Unless the Good Witch wants the "Sunday" people to know what's going on. Though I kind of think the "Sunday" people think that Anthony and I got engaged last August. Mom says the "Sunday" people are a bit stupid and we need to be patient with them. Anyway, I might have more to say Monday.

Way to stretch out yr story, Liz. Hey, Jeremy, Dunc, and Dunc's "Secret Sum1." Sorry about the big mix-up @ 2 AM. Where we all kinda swapped by mistake. Thanx 4 yr compliments abt my "moves" Bambi Von Bon Bon taught me, tho, Dunc. Let's make sure if we have NE special 2 AM appts 2nite, we have 'em @ totally diff locations. After all, Jeremy, Eva, and I all hafta go back 2 Mboro 2morrow.


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  • At 11:34 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, man oh man oh man, that wuz mbarrassin’ last nite. i mean it wuz rilly dark, but i shouda figgered thingz out earlier. it wuzn’t till the secret sum1 sed, “that wuz rilly good. now put ur big purple lips on this”, that i knew sumthin’ wuz wrong, cuz i don’t have purple lips like duncan. the secret sum1 (whoevah she is) wuz surprized 2, cuz i heard her scream wen i sed, "i'm not duncan. i'm jeremy."

    so, if ne1 sez i did nethin’ i wuzn’t suppozed 2 do, it wuz by totally by accident. i hope u believe me.

  • At 1:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i believe u cuz if ne1 sez I did nething I wasn't supposted 2 to, THAT was totally by accident, 2. so i understand completely.


  • At 5:40 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ru still around? duncan’s silhouette, charles wallace larson, andy (sorry, anderson) davis came n & sed, “u will not believe wut arne haz set 4 the ides of march illusion @farley hill. i sed, “so am i gonna get 2c it?” the head dishwasher, andy sed, “no. u stay here & wash.” i sed, “wut’s gonna happen 2 me if u guyz all leave 2c it? i might die frum washin’ 2 many dishes.” charles wallace sed, “if u go crayzee, we’ll put u in a happy home w/2 peeps 2 take care of u morning & evening.” i sed, “wut ‘bout ur mom?” charles wallace sed, “oh, she’ll b there 2.” i sed, “no, i mean andy’s mom.” andy sed, “i dunno. she’ll prolly b there.” i sed, “but who will b here 2 handle the bizness?” duncan’s silhouette sed, “i dunno.” sure enuff, they’ve all gone, leavin’ 2 wash dishes by myself. no1 is here 4 me, just like always.

  • At 8:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, no, jeremy, that's terrible! when duncan told eva, zandra, and me 2 load in2 the wagon, he sed "every1" was going. i had no idea u were being left b-hind!


  • At 10:13 PM, Blogger howard said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 10:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hope everything’s going ok @farley hill. i finally finished washin’ all the dishes & i wuz kinda wonderin’ y it wuz there weren’t nemore. then i realized that there were no customerz cuz they were all over @farley hill. judgin’ frum the sirens & the flamez shootin’ n2 the sky, arne’s illusion wuz just az successful az most of his illusionz r. wen u have time, if u cud write & say ur not hurt, that wud b rilly gr8.

  • At 10:57 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Perdita just finished talking to the constabulary. It's been a long night. Charles Wallace and I went with our parents and Duncan's parents for dinner and some tourist-type stuff after dinner. Everything seemed fine until we got caught in traffic going north. My father was getting annoyed, but then he realized where all the traffic jam was going.
    "Oh no. If anyone asks you, I have no brother." Half the island, it seemed, was going to Farley Hill.
    Arne had set up some shaky Greek columns around the plantation ruins, and a PA system. I think he had whatever staff wasn't holding down the bar with him, too. Mrs. Anderson was trying to find Perdita.
    "Tonight," Arne said on the PA when he finally began the illusion, "tonight we remember the glory that was Greece, the grandeur that was Rome, and the majesty that is magic." Arne was in a toga, or was meant to be in a toga. I think it was Duncan's grandmother's good tablecloth.
    "You may have heard of the illusion where a magician catches a bullet that has been shot DIRECTLY AT HIM. Child's play! Tonight, just as Julius Caesar did, I shall catch knives thrown at me in a storm of Olympian proportions!" The crowd started to get excited.
    "I don't know where to start with what was wrong with that," I said. Charles Wallace climbed up on the hood of the car.
    Arne set off the first string of fireworks, and cued "The Final Countdown."
    "Now, gentlemen, THE KNIVES!" he shouted. The busboys started throwing them at him. Unfortunately he didn't catch the first one, or the second. "Oh my god, that really hurts!" he yelled.
    Things got bad after that. Arne stumbled over the second string of fireworks and set it off. The second string lit the boxes of unused flares, which were stored under what we found out right then was Barbados's second oldest tree. The police showed up then, and started arresting anyone near the PA. A constable went looking for Perdita, since Redd Hott Bajan Mammas was the alleged sponsor. My parents got us into the car before Arne could see us.
    I have a really sick feeling Arne's going back to Toronto with us.


  • At 12:12 AM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson said…

    Dear Sum1,
    Ur the best. I'll nevah 4get u. Sekrit Sum1, 2nites r last nite
    2gethah 4 maybe 4evah. Meet me bhind the dumpster @RHBM after all the buses get back from Farley Hill. I have a rilly special pressie 4u.

  • At 2:22 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. One of the things we don’t like to mention in our family was the day when Elizabeth (known as Lizzie in those days) severely injured a creature we refer to today as a Rolly (combining the words real + dolly). These creatures were known because their physical appearance was astonishingly like that of a child’s doll, but they were actually intelligent creatures. The way you could tell the difference between a Rolly and a child’s plaything was that a doll’s appearance did not change, while a Rolly’s appearance and facial expressions would alter just like an intelligent creature’s would. What made such a unique creature seek out for exploration among us Pattersons, we will never know. What we do know is that Lizzie saw one of these creatures smiling and sitting on a table, grabbed it by its leg, and slammed it to the ground yelling, “Blah!!” If it weren’t for the fact that the creature’s facial expression changed to one of dazed amazement and it started screaming bloody murder, Lizzie might have finished it off right then and there. Among us kids, she is by far the most physically violent as you well know.

    Lizzie has often said the real reason she attacked the Rolly, was because she was angry that I had taken a book from her. Not only that but I was mad because mom had shrieked at me, “Michael, you clean up this room or I’ll give everything you own to the Goodwill!” And mom was supposedly mad because dad had yelled at her, “Elly! Don’t use my tool kit if you can’t remember to put things back!” That hardly seems like a sequence of events that would lead to violence to the Rolly, but that is the official story we Pattersons tell.about the matter, in case anyone asks you on today, the 28th anniversary of the Rolly attack.

    Michael Patterson


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