April's Real Blog

Friday, March 07, 2008

Oh, no, he did NOT!

Liz sent me her l8est e-mail on the next bit of what happed that super-eventful nite when Warren dropped in:

Wait until you find out what happened next. I can hardly believe it, even though I was there and saw the whole thing. Even though Pattersons normally don't turn down a friend begging for a place to crash for the night, especially since we get martyr points for putting up with people like that, I couldn't risk that Anthony might see Warren through the windows when he accidentally points his telescope at my apartment because he happens to be stargazing in my neighbourhood. Knowing how Anthony jumps to conclusions, I didn't want him to run off and propose to Julia or Kortney or something. So I did something Pattersons hate, I asserted myself and said, "You have to go. You can stay at a motel. I'll give you some money." As I was telling him that, I was pulling my oddly shaped wallet out of my purse. Warren told me, "I've got money, Liz..." At just that moment, my phone, which is at the other end of the apartment from where we were standing, rang. And before I had a chance to do anything, Warren sprinted across the room, fast as can be, and answered my phone. I was so shocked, all I could do was raise my brows, bug out my eyes, and let my mouth fall open. Warren, who had his jacket half on/half off, answered, "Hello?" And I could hear Anthony's voice on the other end, going, "Um... who's this?" And Warren handed me the phone and said, "...I think it's the OTHER man in your life!"

April, can you believe this? I felt my chances of EVER marrying Anthony fading away. I could just imagine him going through his phone book, calling every unmarried Milborough woman he knows until he finds someone willing to dash off to the courthouse as soon as it opens to marry as fast as possible. I felt my life was about to be ruined! But I can't tell you whether it was or not, because of the Patterson rules of suspenseful storytelling. Stay tuned!

Wow, flyboy has some serious boundary issues, eh? I mean, who DOES that? Man, I wish you were allowed to tell us what happed next. I can't remember the last time I really wanted to know the next part of one of our Patterson stories.


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  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    Redd Hott Bajan Mammas is going 2 b slammed 4 March Break. The Canadian Union of Magicians is having a convention in Bridgetown. Arne 4got 2 tell Perdita that he rented a table at the convention & is giving out 50% discount coupons 4 RHBM. We figured it out when the bartender complained that there was a guy @ the bar who pulled a bird outta her ear evry time she served him. (Guess who had 2 clean up the bird **** l8r?) Its so bad that Perditas brot Andy 2 work, & when hes not sleeping, hes washing dishes.

    Perditas so pissed w/ Arne that Arnes staying @ my house. Now my mom & I r pissed, 2. Plz, plz, plz, help me out here. Perdita says she will pay dbl min wage plus tips plus airfare plus room & board 2 ne1 who will come 2 Barbados 4 March Break & work @ RHBM

    Zed and Charles Wallace r leaving 2nite. Plz, plz come & bring whoever else wants a sweet deal.


    Yr desperate bud,
    Duncan Anderson

  • At 9:12 AM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    My uncle appears to have done it again. This March break, the Southern Ontario Accountants Association decided to hold their semi-annual conference in Barbados due to a winning pitch from an independent convention planner. My mother called Duncan's mother to tell her, and they stayed on the phone for a really long time. Charles Wallace said Duncan's mother was so mad, he could hear both sides of the conversation. Both my mother and Duncan's mother got suspicious about the accountants' conference when my mother read the brochure my father had just been sent in the mail.
    "Nightly displays of legerdemain! Accountancy and illusion!" Charles Wallace wasn't sure who was yelling that at that point.
    In any case, for the March break, we're all going to Barbados. I don't think my father knows how involved Arne is in the accountants' conference. I guess Charles Wallace and I are going to be working while my mother and Duncan's mother try to do something prolonged and painful to Arne.


  • At 9:27 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    OMG. I didnt no abt the accountants. I must of been working during that fite.

    Jer, if ur reading this, plz come. I promise not 2 even try 2 beat u up.

    Apes, bring yr guitar. Mayb we can do a matinee on weekdays if there r enuf peeps working.

    Yr bestest bud,
    MC DunC

    p.s. Do u think I shld tell Zed that Bambi is RHBM's Head Waitperson?

  • At 11:46 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    duncan, i’ll go if april goez & my mom sez it’z ok. howevah, u mite have a hard tyme gettin’ april 2day. gerald got ahold of her cell & haz been answerin’ all her calls by saying, “april patterson’s stud muffin gerald. may i help u?”

  • At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chico. No invitation! Are you afraid that if a hot-blooded Latino such as me comes to Barbados, I will steal your women? If it is, then you are probably right. Women around the world respond to Latin loving.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, dunc, and zandra, i got my fone back from ger and called my mom 2 ask if i can go 2 barbados 4 march break. after i got her 2 remember who i m & y i'd b asking her permission 4 nething, she was like, "oh, yeah, go, whatever, i was planning 2 go away that wk neway."

    so it loox like we r on. i hafta re-record my voicemail message cuz it seems ger changed it. gah, he's really been mental l8ly.


  • At 2:35 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Marjee Mahaha, Warren Blackwood’s sometimes fiancée came by Portrait Magazine to have lunch with me today. She felt she was overstaying her welcome at my home (and she was). My wife, Beatrice, had started polishing the frying pans, which is never a good sign.

    As usual, Marjee had read your sister’s Blog entry for the day and she was anxious to talk about it. This is how the conversation went:

    Marjee: He picked up the phone and answered it at someone else’s place. That’s a very bad habit he has. He did that one over at my mother’s place when her boyfriend called and he carried on a whole conversation with him as if he was mom’s new boyfriend. He thinks it’s funny.
    Me: So you think he was just trying to be funny when he picked up the phone and it turned out to be Anthony Caine?
    Marjee: Oh, no. He’s trying to break up Elizabeth and Anthony. When he gets in these “I worship Elizabeth” moods, he can be very jealous that any other man gave him attention. Do remember what he did last year with Elizabeth and flying her all the way to Mtigwaki to find Paul Wright cheating on her?
    Me: I thought that was a lot to go through. It probably would have been easier just to tell her that her boyfriend is cheating on her.
    Marjee: She would never believe him if he said that. Oh, no. Elizabeth will only believe physical evidence. She told Warren once that “Seeing is believing.”
    Me: How do you think this is going to turn out?
    Marjee: She’ll reject Warren. Warren will come back to me with a flowers, chocolates and big apology. Then next year, he’ll try again to break up whatever guy Elizabeth is with.
    Me: You don’t think it will be Anthony Caine?
    Marjee: It could be. It all depends on whether or not he falls for this trick of Warren’s. With my mom and her boyfriend, it was no big deal. Mom got on the phone and said, “Ignore my daughter’s stupid boyfriend. He thinks he’s funny.” And that was that. Of course mom has more credibility than Elizabeth, who has a reputation for stringing men on. On the hand, Anthony has been lusting after Liz every since he first met her, so there’s a good chance he will be willing to say he believes her, even when he doesn’t.
    Me: That’s true. I remember when I thought she was interested in me when we both worked at Lakeshore Landscaping.
    Marjee: Why did you think that?
    Me: Just crazy I guess.

    That was the conversation as I remember it. Marjee may have more to add.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:48 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. Not to worry about Anthony calling and proposing to other women. After the last time, when you went on that date with Warren Blackwood, Gordon Mayes assigned Julia to handle the matter. She is excellent. Not only is she friendly, outgoing, and intelligent; but she’s short and fat, i.e. not a threat to you at all with Anthony Caine, who prefers women who are the exact opposite of Julia. She’s been on alert ever since you and Anthony started dating to be ready to “take a proposal” for the cause, if you screwed something up in the courtship and caused Anthony to start looking for a Quebecoise woman to marry in revenge, like he did the last time.

    Your back is covered, Elizabeth. I think it is safe to say that no one in Milborough, aside from this Warren Blackwood you let in your apartment in the middle of the night, wants Anthony Caine to be married to anyone but you.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:51 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, Howard did a great job transcribing the conversation we had today. I did feel bad about overstaying my welcome at his house, but I really needed someone to talk to about Warren and his "Elizabeth" obsession. I keep telling myself that its effects are always temporary, but it's still hard to go through these episodes when they happen.

    Howard, thanks for complimenting me on my dress, though I did notice you whispered something under your breath about how the color and style would suit you better.


  • At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Julia said…

    Your brother is right, Elizabeth. I'm on the job!


  • At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    I had a fight with Duncan's Silhouette. I'd like to go to Barbados to help out at RHBM during March break, but Duncan's Silhouette says I have to choose between him and Duncan.


  • At 6:04 PM, Anonymous Anthony said…


    Well, last night was very interesting.

    I'd just changed into my usual going to bed attire of underwear, a t-shirt, thermal socks, slippers, pajamas (tops and bottoms, both long) and was about to put on my robe, nightcap and muffler (in these days of high energy bills I do my part of keeping the heat turned down. The doctor sometimes complains about Frannie not putting on weight but the doctor isn't paying my gas bill) when I decided I should call your sister to make sure she was home safe for the night, had done a number two, and brushed her teeth.

    Your sister loves little attentions, especially at night. It may have something to do with this horrible recurring nightmare she has of being left alone in the dark in a highchair.

    Anyway, I was very surprised to hear a man answer the phone. I know your sister likes to have students over to her house so they can have heart-to-hearts, but it was late and a schoolnight, so naturally I was perturbed enough to ask who it was.

    Well, the guy said something about it being the other man in your sister's life.

    I'm so mad I've half a mind to take the .21 carat champagne diamond Gordon's sister's friend got as an engagement ring from a guy who left her to join a rodeo (she gave me a deal and was willing to take a postdated check) and give it right back to Gordon's sister's friend.


  • At 6:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    eva, april & i depart TO pearson @6:30 am & arrive @bridgetown @12:45 pm on air canada. ur welcome 2 join us, but i gotta say if u go xxpectin' tyme w/duncan ur gonna b sorry. it sounds like he haz bambi & zandra 2 deal w/. up 2u. but if u wanna c how messed up peeps can b if they have 2 many lovers, just check out april's sis' whacked out luv life.

  • At 8:14 PM, Anonymous Eva Abuya said…

    I'm in. Don't tell the silhouette!


  • At 8:17 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i m so xxcited abt gettin outta mboro, even if it's gonna b a working trip.

    oh, and i think u already told zed abt bambi by asking that in yr comment, since zandra seems 2 b checking in here.


  • At 10:59 PM, Anonymous Perdita Anderson said…

    Thank you for accepting employment at Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's for March Break.

    When you arrive, please look for your greeter with the sign with our distinctive logo. I think that it is rather rude, but Arne insists that it will attract Canadian, American, and British tourists. So far, Arne has not steered me wrong.

    Front of the house will be trained by our Head Waitperson, Bambi Van Bon Bon. Back of the house will be trained by our Head Dishwasher, Duncan Anderson.

    I look forward to meeting and working with each of you.

    Yours very truly,

    Perdita Anderson
    Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's LLP

    I look


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