Warren?
Another Liz-gram showed up in my e-mail:
Apes
Hey, April, I'll bet you weren't expecting my story to have a twist, but it does! Ha, I fooled you!Warren, eh? This cd get interesting. 'Course it wda helped 2 use this new-fangled device called communication w/him, but I M sure U and probably Mike 2 will tell me that's not the Patterson way.
While I was working on grading my students' tests (what was I thinking give them it test, it keeps them busy for a long time in class, but then I have to grade them), my doorbell rang. Even though it was LATE! So I thought, "Whoever you are, go away!" Then I climbed the stairs and answered the door, and it was WARREN BLACKWOOD standing there, but I noticed it wasn't the really tall, slim version of him, but the shorter more "solid" version. Not the totally chubby "almost Gordo" version, though. Anyway, while I was noticing all that, I said, "Warren! What are you doing here? --Do you know how LATE it is?" And I also wondered how he knew to find me in my apartment, since the last time we saw each other, I was still living in the big house on Sharon Park Drive, with the sun in my eyes. But before I got a chance to ask about that, Warren said, "I'm sorry, Liz... My head's a mess right now. Could I talk to you?" And I said, "Yes! Sure! Come in!" I started thinking about whether it would be better to call my principal and tell him I was sick, or to tell my students they wouldn't get their tests back for another day. But then, Warren threw his arms around me and I yelled, "Warren... This isn't TALKING!" In case he didn't know the difference.
So you are probably wondering what he wanted to "talk" about, and did I tell him about Anthony being my very good friend now, but you will have to wait and see. This is all I'm going to tell you now. Because if I tell my story too fast it will be Mike's turn again, and you know when it's Mike's turn, he takes a month or more to tell his stories.
Apes
Labels: Liz, personality transplants, Warren
posted by April Patterson @ 6:26 AM
12 Comments:
At 11:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
I was called to the scene of a late night (make that "very late night") altercation at the apartment of one Elizabeth Patterson. On arrival, I found the body of a Caucasian male, age approximately 30, sprawled in a pool of blood. Standing over him was an elderly gentlemen who would identify himself only as "Anthony." He was screaming like a little girl and hurling invectives at the corpse, which he claimed belonged to one "Warren Somethingorother," a helicopter pilot. The apartment's owner, Elizabeth Patterson, told a lengthy and frankly unconvincing story of how "Anthony" had "once again" saved her from a rapist. Her claim was that Warren had shown up unbidden at her domicile and then hugged her. Sensing that this was only preliminary to a violent and sadistic sex act, she managed to stall him long enough to call Anthony, her childhood sweetheart, to come to the scene to rescue her. I have taken Ms. Patterson and "Anthony" into custody and secured the body for the coroner. (This "Anthony" strikes me as looking very similar to the "astronomy buff" who was using his telescope to peer into both the Northlands Old Folks Home and the Greater Ontario Orphan Asylum last year.) It's times like these when I most miss my old Academy roommate, Constable Paul Wright, who could probably crack this curious case pronto.
Your faithful servant,
Sgt. Royalson
At 12:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson,
Boozhoo (Hello).
My office told me of your call and I read your writings on April’s Real Blog where you asked me about a case involving my former girlfriend Elizabeth Patterson. I am sorry I cannot consult with you. I have my own problems with Elizabeth Patterson now and it would prejudice the case. I have received many maajiibii'igan (letters) telling me I should go to Milborough and ask Elizabeth for a second chance in our relationship. The letters say I should tell her how wrong I was to cheat on her. The maajiibii'igan (letters) say I should nandodamawask (beg) for her forgiveness. There is something about the maajiibii'igan (letters) which make me want to do this. My girlfriend Susan Dokis (whom I call Chipper) has tied me to a chair until whatever this is passes. She is also writing this maajiibii'igan (letter) for me.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know u’ve been wavin’ me off all day, but shud i like b worried i keep seein’ u & gerald 2gethah & he’s like huggin’ u or kissin’ ur hand or nibblin’ @ur ear or tryin’ 2 chew the bangz on ur head, while u keep sayin’, “gerald. this isn’t talkin’!” i hadda have lunch w/eva & duncan’s anderson’s silhouette & luis guzmán & luis’ gf rosario & they’re kinda like tellin’ me thingz r prolly ovah between u & me, cuz aftah u & gerald broke up, u keep gettin’ back 2gethah, like on new years’ eve. i don’t b-lieve them, but i’m kinda havin’ a hard tyme w/it. u know, cuz ur sis has these guys who r always comin’ ‘round 2 hit on her, evn aftah she broke up w/them 2. i’m thinkin’ mebbe it’s 1 of those family thingz u don’t have ne control ovah.
At 2:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
sgt. royalson, i think u r confused again. i saw warren blackwood in his helicopter this morning, skywriting, "i still love u, elizabeth patterson."
jeremy, here's what happed. ger grabbed me by the shoulders, all, "my head's a mess rite now. cd i talk 2 u?" he looked like he'd been crying and he seemed kinda jittery, like he'd had 2 many dbl dbls @ ht's. i was like, "ok." but then next thing i knew, he was hugging me and trying 2 kiss me and everything, like u sed, and i was telling him "this isn't talking." i also told him 2 scram cuz i'm w/u now. that's when sgt. royalson showed up, flashed his badge @ u, and told u not 2 kill gerald.
it's turning out 2 b a weird day.
apes
At 3:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, that wuz sgt. royalson? i kinda thought he wud b more kinda like...u know...police-like.
At 4:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
Sgt. Royalson here.
Warren is alive? I wonder whose body that was on the floor then? Is anyone else missing in the neighborhood? I suppose under the circs I will have to release my suspects. Apologies all around.
And Constable Wright - good to hear from you, old chap. Chipper still ties you up, I see! Just like the old days!
Sgt. Royalson
At 4:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Warren
At 4:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
That was a CPR dummy! We're doing a safety unit at my school.
Liz
At 5:42 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have spent most of my day talking to Marjee Mahaha, my former co-worker at Greta "Sugar" Van Rensselaer’s hair salon and Warren Blackwood’s sometimes fiancée. She showed up at my office at Portrait Magazine unexpectedly, and said, “I'm sorry, Howard... My head's a mess right now. Could I talk to you?" And I said, "Yes! Sure! Come in!" But then, Marjee threw her arms around me and started unbuttoning my shirt. I yelled, "Marjee... This isn't TALKING!"
Then she broke down and told me this story:
In August, 2002, my fiancé Warren Blackwood, was in Canadore College Helicopter Training and met Elizabeth Patterson on a bus ride to school. He tried to ask her out, but she wouldn’t give him the information to contact her.
Then the next year, he met Elizabeth on a bus again on April 2, 2003. They dated for about 7 weeks until he left for a mining job May 27, 2003 having never kissed and left as friends with a hug.
Then he told me he thought it was all over; but it wasn’t. Elizabeth Patterson graduated from Nippissing in June of 2004 but didn’t have a date for her graduation party. Warren said he suddenly felt this strong urge that he had to be at Elizabeth’s graduation. And so at great expense he flew his helicopter in for her graduation, even though he was so unimportant in Elizabeth’s eyes that none of Elizabeth’s family had ever heard of him, including you, April.
Warren went back to his job and thought he was done with it again, but once again, in December, 2005, he found himself calling her up to give her a ride to Toronto. Elizabeth showed up with the constable, so once again Warren was convinced he was done with it.
Then it happened again, a year later in January 2007, he heard that the constable was messing around on Elizabeth, and Warren felt this irressistable urge to take Elizabeth to see him and destroy their relationship. Elizabeth called him up for a date in March, 2007 and after that he got work in Yellowknife, where he thought he might get together with Elizabeth occasionally, but she would not agree to come there to visit him.
Marjee’s eyes were filled with tears again. She said, “I visited Warren in Yellowknife, and he told me he was done with Elizabeth Patterson, and now he’s back with her this week. I love Warren, but about once a year he gets an urge to go back and try again with Elizabeth Patterson. It’s like an annual addiction that he has to go on 1 or 2 dates with Elizabeth, and then he’s back to normal.”
I said, “Are you saying Warren is a Patterson Patron, a Patteron junkie, addicted to Patterson, i.e. one of those persons who has to make an annual pilgrimage to a Patterson and declare his love for them, before returning back to his normal life, kind of like Gordon Mayes?” Marjee sobbed he was. She said, “He barely knows her. 2 months of dates in university back in 2003 and they have barely talked since. I don’t know why anyone could possibly think that Warren and Elizabeth Patterson would be any kind of a romantic couple.”
I told her that I didn’t really see the problem. She could have Warren 99% of the year, and then once a year he would go see your sister, nothing would happen with her, and he could return home back to her. Then Marjee said she wanted someone 100% loyal like I am to Beatrice Alfarero, my wife. And I had to confess that when it came to your sister, no one was 100% loyal to their spouses or girlfriends. Just ask Thérèse (formerly) Caine. I had to admit that I too, feel an annual call to profess my love for your sister. Marjee asked me how Beatrice handled it and I told her the straight answer, “Frying pan to the head and locked in a closet until the feeling passes. Sometimes it takes a week or two.” But then Marjee said, “No, I mean how does she handle the idea that her husband will never be completely hers?”
I said, “Beatrice works for Moira Kinney, who bought Lilliput’s book and toy store from Elly Patterson, understanding that the store would never be completely hers. This past December, Moira was forced by Elly to host a book-signing party for Michael Patterson’s book Stone Season, which is not suitable for children in a toy store and most adults too. Beatrice has gotten used to the idea because she saw Moira get used to the idea; plus she has met Elizabeth Patterson enough times to know that she’s no threat.”
Then Marjee sobbed about how Beatrice could possibly think that she’s no threat. I showed her a picture of your sister, one of the ones where she looks almost exactly like your mother. Marjee said, “Oh! Yuck! That’s really Elizabeth? Can I get a copy of that for Warren?” So, I made her a copy of the picture, and Marjee promised that as soon as Warren gets done with embarrassing himself with your sister this time, she’s going to knock him on the head with the frying pan and force him to look at that picture until his desire for your sister goes away.
I think things will go well, but Marjee herself may have some things to say on the subject this week, as she puts her plan to work.
Love,
Howard Bunt
At 6:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I see that Howard related to you and your readers the conversation I had with him today. Warren has really put me through the emotional wringer since the last time he broke off our engagement. It makes me crazy the way he keeps making a play for Elizabeth every year or so.
On the up side, I went to a support group at the Milborough Mental Health Centre, for people who are in or who are recovering from a relationship with someone obsessed with an ex. Thérèse Caine was there too. What a sweetheart!
Marjee
At 11:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Geez, this is the DUMBEST assignment I've ever been on. Flyboy kept saying he was FLYING (ha ha) to be going to Milborough for some female that Jazz says is important; and like the reports say, these people are weird, changing skin color and heigth and random.
I'm pretty sure human laws don't allow you to land in Apartment dwelling parking lots.
At 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
It's just not fair, I don't think you understand, but maybe you do since you broke things off with Gerald and he keeps coming around anyway, and back in last April (not you, the month), I was following all of the rules that it says you should do in The (Patterson) Rules, well that is supposed to make the men know you are a real prize, but that Warren, he put his work in front of being with me, which is like the ultimate pleasure on earth, to be with a Patterson woman, and I gave the phone a good spitting to let him know that he had missed out on life with an emotionally mature woman with a healthy supply of saliva, because some men like that thing, I have been told, and I thought he had come over to my apartment to talk, but then he was grabbing me, so mom always says that coffee is better than sex, so I thought I could distract Warren with coffee, so I said, “Warren, let go!...I’ll make you a coffee!” and he said, “OK, OK…” like he knew coffee was better than sex, and I was upset because we never had sex before when we were dating so how did he know that my coffee would be better than sex with me, not that I would ever have sex with Warren, but I was so insulted and then he said a word which a good Patterson man never says unless threatened with a gun or a bazooka or something, he said, “Thanks” and so I thought it would be a good idea to remind him of the time, just in case he didn’t have a watch on and I said, “Look. It’s after 10.” ( and I thought about pointing to a clock when I said to look, but I had my hands full of coffee cups and I know all about that trick where someone asks you the time on your watch while you are holding coffee because that little creep, my favourite student, Jesse Mukwa used to do it to me all the time), so I said, “Why are you here? What’s the matter?” which are pretty direct questions for me, and I hate to say this, but sometimes when I am tired I forget that according to the handy little "Passive Language Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, a Patterson woman should never ask direct questions, so then he told me, and he said, “I quit my job, Liz. I got so tired of being sent all over the place. I want to stop. I don’t have a HOME anywhere!! I can’t fly anymore. It’s one of the two things in life that I really love, and I have to give it up,” and as I thought about it, I seem to remember having heard this same speech before the last time a man grabbed me when I didn’t want him to and someone telling me they had no HOME, like I had a feeling of DJ view, (which is where DJ’s know what song is coming up before they even say it), and I looked at Warren and he did not really look that much like a DJ to me, and I thought it was a good thing Anthony wasn’t here or he would tell me I could give my apartment to Warren and then move in with him, so Warren could have a home and I could live in my other home with Anthony, but then I remember that Warren had counted to 2 things he really loved, and thought I knew the other one must be my coffee, so I said, “What’s the other thing?” and he didn’t say it was my coffee at all, he said, “You” and when he said that I had this sudden feeling that I looked like a combination of mom and Mike and not much like myself at all, and you know, April, I had this sudden memory of mom telling one of those secret mom things where she said to me, “Lizzie. You need to stop digging in your diaper, I am going to change you in a few minutes” and then she said, “Lizzie, if there’s one thing in your life you can never trust, it’s a man who is willing to give up things to be with you. A man who is willing to transfer his job for you or a man who is willing to give up his job to be close to you are the types of men who will marry you for more than 30 years and then you will find out that they have been cheating on you all along with some slut you have known for years. Those are not the types of men for you. You need to go with an emotionally-distant man, who will never make any kind of sacrifice for you and might leave you sitting in a high chair all night. Those are the men, men like your father, who make the best husbands and dads.” and while I was rememberizing that, I was also wondering how Warren would pay for apartment rent without his job, and that Warren is just a big poopyhead if he thinks I am going to pay for apartment rent for him too, and how this could mess up everything with Anthony, just as he was almost about to consider the possibility of perhaps, maybe getting me an engagement ring, which is the type of thing that unemployed Warren is not going to give me, unless he has some rich relatives somewhere. I am very confused about all of this as you tell, but at least Mike isn’t telling his boring stories.
LIz
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