A Flashback on Parental Failure
Liz came over this morning while we were eating brekky and she was all, "I had a terrible nightmare about being strapped into a chair in the middle of the night, in the dark, with no way to get out, and I was hungry and thirsty and sitting in a bunch of wet!" Mom laffed and sed, "April, make yr sister sum cinnamon toast. Have a seat, Liz, I think you just had a baby-hood memory." Liz's eyes kinda bugged out. I got up 2 make cinny toast, even tho I wasn't dun w/my granola yet, cuz I didn't want Mom 2 unhinge her jaw @ me. While I was fixing Lizzie's toast, Mom started 2 tell Liz a story.
"Well," she sed. "One time, when U were a baby, sumwhere around 9 months old or so, yr father and I were sleeping and U started wailing from yr room. A big red WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA that filled half our bedroom. Without opening my eyes, I shouted, 'Alright, Elizabeth!... Daddy's getting up." Dad chimed in w/"I woke up 2 find a little cloud of dirt rite over my nose, and I clenched my jaw. Yr mom and I turned 2 face each other, and she sed, 'I don'tknow... go get her a glass of milk or sumthing...' I got up, went in2 Lizzie's room, picked her up, brought her to the kitchen, got a pitcher of milk (we kept it in an unsealed pitcher back then), put Liz in her high chair, poured the milk, and then...." He paused and looked like he didn't want 2 tell the rest. Mom was like, "Go ahead, John. I asked the girls and they kind of smiled and sed, 'Yes, tell that one.'" Dad shook his head and sed, "Y do I alwayz have 2 B the one who looks like an arse?" And Mom sed, "Tell it, John!" He sighed and sed, "Liz, I drank the milk, put the glass in the sink, put the pitcher back in the fridge, shut off the light, and went back 2 bed."
Liz gulped. "U left me there? In my high-chair, in the dark?" Dad sed, "Liz, I was very, very tired!" I gave Liz her toast and sed, "I guess this xxplains a lot abt U." Liz shouted, "Shut up! I turned out fine. MayB I'll have 2 try this technique on Frenchy!" I sed, "Francie doesn't sit in a high chair NEmore." And Liz sed, "MayB she does from now on!" And I sed, "U sound like a crazy person!" And Liz sed, "Takes one 2 know one!" I sed, "Ooh, good comeback. U just sed we're both crazy!" Liz sed, "No I didn't!" I rolled my eyes and finished my granola so I cd go 2 my 'puter and write this entry.
Apes
"Well," she sed. "One time, when U were a baby, sumwhere around 9 months old or so, yr father and I were sleeping and U started wailing from yr room. A big red WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA that filled half our bedroom. Without opening my eyes, I shouted, 'Alright, Elizabeth!... Daddy's getting up." Dad chimed in w/"I woke up 2 find a little cloud of dirt rite over my nose, and I clenched my jaw. Yr mom and I turned 2 face each other, and she sed, 'I don'tknow... go get her a glass of milk or sumthing...' I got up, went in2 Lizzie's room, picked her up, brought her to the kitchen, got a pitcher of milk (we kept it in an unsealed pitcher back then), put Liz in her high chair, poured the milk, and then...." He paused and looked like he didn't want 2 tell the rest. Mom was like, "Go ahead, John. I asked the girls and they kind of smiled and sed, 'Yes, tell that one.'" Dad shook his head and sed, "Y do I alwayz have 2 B the one who looks like an arse?" And Mom sed, "Tell it, John!" He sighed and sed, "Liz, I drank the milk, put the glass in the sink, put the pitcher back in the fridge, shut off the light, and went back 2 bed."
Liz gulped. "U left me there? In my high-chair, in the dark?" Dad sed, "Liz, I was very, very tired!" I gave Liz her toast and sed, "I guess this xxplains a lot abt U." Liz shouted, "Shut up! I turned out fine. MayB I'll have 2 try this technique on Frenchy!" I sed, "Francie doesn't sit in a high chair NEmore." And Liz sed, "MayB she does from now on!" And I sed, "U sound like a crazy person!" And Liz sed, "Takes one 2 know one!" I sed, "Ooh, good comeback. U just sed we're both crazy!" Liz sed, "No I didn't!" I rolled my eyes and finished my granola so I cd go 2 my 'puter and write this entry.
Apes
Labels: Dad, gratuitous reminiscing, Liz, Mom, stoopidity, Sundays
posted by April Patterson @ 7:22 AM
5 Comments:
At 10:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, that story ‘bout ur dad & ur sis wen she wuz little sounds pretty bad. howevah, i have had sum worse xxperiences w/my dad, like the tyme on 1 of our “outings” wen he left me @madame trixie’s brothel & cigar emporium 4 a few days wen he ran off w/1 of madame trixie’s employees. there wuz awhile there where madame trixie sed she wuz gonna adopt me & i wuz gonna b renamed spike. 4tun8ly, mom found dad & asked him where i wuz & altho he cudn’t remember, his gf @the tyme & former trixie employee, lulu-belle latour remembered where he left me. it wuz a long tyme aftah that b4 i got 2 go on ne more “outings” w/dad. thass kinda like ur dad’s story w/ur sis; but not xxactly.
At 10:56 AM,
April Patterson said…
wow, jeremy, that suxx. gd thing madame trixie looked out 4 u like that, & lulu-belle told yr mom where 2 find u. what is it w/the clueless dads?
apes
At 3:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, all thingz considered, clueless dads might be a good thing.
aftah all, aftah we found out yesterday that sum peeps hope the pattersons might take ovah canada, ur argument 2 ur dad 2 convince him not 2 try 4 prime minister wuz a pretty good 1 i thought. ‘course i wud have nevah guessed ur dad wuz evn interested in those kindsa things. he wuz like, “well, april, aftah all the work i have done w/the underprivileged in othah countries & aftah all the work i have done in our community it only made sense the next step would b2 run canada. i couldn’t do a worse job than stephen harper. plus i can prolly get the governor general 2 appoint me. michaëlle jean owes me a favour ‘cuz of a root canal i gave her a long tyme ago back in haiti. u do remember the tyme i was doin’ dental work back in haiti don’t u?”
i swear aftah ur dad sed thoze thingz, u looked az gobsmacked az i have evah seen u gobsmacked. ur gob actually looked like it had been smacked. u sed, “bwuh!? dad, i thought all u did wuz dentistry & ur trainz.” then ur dad sed, “oh, april. that wud b silly. wut u mean iz that wen ur mom & u talk ‘bout the stuff i do, ur mom likes 2 point out all the st00pid thingz i do ‘round the house, but she nevah talks ‘bout nething else i do that might not b az st00pid.” then u looked more gobsmacked, but aftah that u were brill.
u sed, “boy dad, that duzn’t sound like the right reason 2b prime minister. politicks haz 2b fun. that's y it wuz invented. the very best times with politicks that i remember were when family & friends got together, gathered in a kitchen or living room, & sum1 wud talk ‘bout sum1 else behind their back, & sumbody wud talk ‘bout how sum1’s prayer wuz 2 long, and every1 of the kids got n2 a fight & peeps started 2 talk ‘bout who wuz or wuzn’t a good parent. those r absolutely the best times! that's when playing politicks is 4 the pure love of it. it doesn't matter if ur incredibly good @politicks or not. what matters is the fun. unfortunately politicks have been turned n2 a huge industry, & we now have such a lot of hype. it's unfortunate that stephen harper is makin’ the choices he is & will b missing the most important part of politicks: friendship & fun. so, u can only wish him luck, knowing that if he does make it, he will likely not have a happy life. sometimes it's a blessing to not b2 good or 2 driven 2 succeed in sumthing that you love, because such ambition takes all the fun out of it. being a professional politician is a difficult life. having a normal life, surrounded by friends & family & enjoying politicks as a hobby or as a passion is a lot more fun. once you go 2b a prime minister, it's hard 2 tell who likes u4 urself or 4 wut u can do.”
that did it rite there. ur dad sed, “4 once in ur life, i think ur right, april. xxcuze me, i have sum calls 2 make.”
u were brilliant. i have like the smartest gf in the world. now insteada havin’ ur dad az prime minister, we get 2 keep stephen harper.
At 3:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, u r rite, we still have stephen harper. mayB we shdn't say ne of this 2 loud. there r peeps who mite kill me 4 what i just did!
yeah, the secret of convincing my dad is using his own language and just changing sum of the words 2 fit the given sitch. he always finds his own arguments the most compelling, an' the funniest part is he doesn't even realize he's actually listening to his own logic.
apes
At 11:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Prime, you were right. This town DOES get all weird on Sundays. I think someone's got a hold of some time travel technology, all my racing logos became for earth items like Billy Beer and Studio 54.
Bumblebee became a VW "bug" scaring the girl and her potential mate for a second, but they seemed used to used to this kind of behavior and just shrugged and said "another Sunday."
I know I get human behavior better than most Autobots, but what I observed in this "flash to the past" even disturbed me. I went to find the target "Liz" but since we'd regressed decades back she was only a baby.
Is it normal for humans to find the idea of abandoning their small ones in the middle of the night funny? Maybe its some Canadian culture "in joke" I don't get.
Hopefully I'll be able to observe and maybe talk to her tomorrow. Intel from the young human "April" indicated that on Mondays things go back to normal, but who knows in this crazy town.
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