April's Real Blog

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Liz kicks her guests to the curb

Liz wrote me another e-mail and it went like this:

When I was in Limbo, I got so used to not having to worry about going to my job, writing lesson plans, or doing any grading, that I panicked when it was 10:00 PM, Candace and Rudy were still at my apartment, and I realized that I needed to write a lesson plan and grade a stack of tests for the next day! So I thought I'd better drop a hint that they should leave, by saying, "Well, I have a class to prepare for and test to correct...." I was worried they might not pick up on that, but Rudy said, "Yeah... we should go." As they were leaving, I shouted out the door, "Goodnight, Rudy! 'Night, Candace!" And Rudy waved while Candace said, "See you, Liz!" My feelings were a little hurt that they didn't wish me a good night. How am I supposed to have a good night if they don't wish me one?

I sat down at my computer to write the lesson plan, which was going to be a math and reading lesson based on buying clothes from that stack of catalogues I have been meaning to get rid of, I thought, "I love those guys, but I have so much to do tonight, I don't have time for visitors." Shiimsa was on the counter when I was thinking that, but next thing I knew, she was on my shoulders, with her head against one of my cheeks and her back end against the other, and I thought this: "Right. You're not a visitor... You OWN the place!!!" Then I thought it's not like me at all to think that, shouldn't I be yelling at her or chasing her around the apartment or something? Does this have something to do with me looking like Mike with a wig? I'm confused.

Liz, you being confused is pretty usual. I'd be more concerned if U were not confused.


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  • At 11:22 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Slightly older little sis. You are fortunate to have such good friends as Candace and Rudy, who not only serve the purpose of making you appear attractive in comparison; but have the good sense to take a hint when you want them to go away. I know that when my in-laws visit, they don’t ever seem to be able to take a hint, and I invariably end up having to bodily throw them out the door. For example, at Christmas Dinner, when I announced that people who give really long prayers before we eat should be the first to leave the party, my in-laws acted like I was telling a joke. Then when I hinted that it was long considered to be a tradition of the Patterson family to have the people who brought the most food for the dinner to be the ones who would need to leave to get more food, they just stared at me like I was insane. I don’t think it was until I got their coats, handed them to my in-laws and said, “Get out!!” did they finally take my subtle hints. Yes, Liz, you are lucky your friends are smarter than my in-laws.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger Nick said…

    Not sure Liz looks like Mike in a wig so much as Anthony with boobs.

    So very creepy, what's happening in Milborough?

  • At 12:24 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i shouda figgered it wud happen. u say 2 eva abuya & duncan anderson’s silhouette & luis guzmán & gf rosario u wanna go visit the last place on the treasure map we have been followin’ all week & wut do they say? “"well, i have a class 2 prepare 4. i have a test 2 study 4. i have tix 2c the leafs. i have 2 go 2 a meeting for the prevention of cruelty 2 silhouettes.” none of them wanted 2 go & find out ‘bout the spot on the map marked with the pic of the old woman in beach wear with the “come here, big boy” look in fronta a drawing board. i guess it’s gonna b just u & me 4 this 1. let’s go.

  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm not sure what 2 tell u, nick, but it seemz there's a team of transformers looking in2 the weirdness that is mboro.


  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    Mike, well of course my friends are smarter than your in-laws, what makes you think I'd have friends who aren't? But also, I am probably a better hinter than you are. Mom says women are generally better at hints than men are.


  • At 2:00 PM, Anonymous Jazz said…

    From: Autobot Jazz, intelligence officer and special operations
    To: Optimus Prime
    CC: April Patterson, human, Milboroughian

    Man, Prime, this is one spoooky town they got up here! As soon as my team entered, we reconfigured our modes to the local vehicles, and immediately began hovering! I ain't never seen nothing like it on this planet!

    I sent Bumblebee to watch over the blog-human. He has taken the form of her car, and he has been assisted her with her own missions. He attempted to help her and her potential mate in some kind of mating ritual, but it seemed not to work out as well as he planned. The two mostly just exchanged data information. I dont think i'll ever understand humans.

    No sign of Decepticons so far. We've gotten a lead on that sorceress, we're going to investigate one Elizabeth Patterson, she seems to have had the last contact with her. Gotta go, I think I'm turning "stealth mode" and I dunno if comm...

  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i guess i’ll tell this part. we got n2 ur kinda odd-actin’ hybrid car & the treasure map w/the pic of the woman in beach clothes lined up with the h.g. davis public school, the same elementary school we went 2 growin’ up. ur car’s radio kept playin’ thingz like “stop, in the name of love” & stuff like that. u gotta get ur car radio fixed.

    neway we got there & we looked ‘round 4 an old woman in beach wear or a drawin’ table. u sed that mebbe it wud b in the art room, since it wuz a drawin’ table. so we went ‘round there & u kinda gasped & sed sumthin’ ‘bout how u were startin’ 2 remembah thingz u had 4gotten. ovah in the background, ur car started playin’ “september of my years” 4 sum reasn.

    so, the skool iz closed & locked up 4 the weekend, but we looked n the window of the art room & didn’t c nethin’. then u noticed this crawl space on the outside. u sed since we got the treasure map in the crawl space then mebbe we were supposed to go n2 the crawl space. i got the cover off of it & it wuz weird nside, which means like it wuz rilly clean & not covered in dirt & bugs like most crawl spaces.

    it wuz also rilly big, like we were able 2 walk on our handz & kneez & not do a lotta crawlin’. we passed by a sign that sed, “this way to anthony caine’s groomsmen.” i asked u if u wanted 2 go that way & u were all kinda glassy-eyed & sed, “no. that way leads 2 a bunch of guys no1 haz seen in ovah 10 years. we needta keep goin’ 4ward.” then we passed a sign that sed, “this way 2 miraculous dress restorations.” i sed, “u got ne dresses u need restored?” u sed, “don’t b silly, jeremy.”

    then we came n2 a big open space w/a buncha computerz & there wuz a lady there in sum kinda jumpsuit wearin’ horn-rimmed glasses & she hadda buncha tatts. u sed, “stephanie. wut ru doin’ here?” & she sed, “april wut ru doin’ here & w/jeremy jones. ur supposed 2b mopin’ ovah ur 18-month long breakup with gerald delaney-forsythe.” then u sed, “i got hor…” i think i better not say that part & the othah part where u & the stephanie compared me 2 her bf.

    neway, u sed 2 stephanie ‘bout the treasure map & how there wuz the pic of the old woman w/the beach clothes w/the “take me on the drawin’ table” look. & stephanie laffed & sed, “oh that. well, thass cuz she got hor…” i guess i better leave part off 2. no1 wunts 2 hear that kinda stuff ‘bout old peeps.

    so, then u asked stephanie wut she wuz doin’ there again. & she sed sumthin’ rilly strange. she sed, “well, april. since ur a patterson, i guess i can tell u. these computers run special equipment which looks 4 special peeps in canada. they look 4 peeps who were born or have children who were born ‘bout the same tyme as the pattersons. or peeps who have the same career as the pattersons. or peeps who r just rilly st00pid. then when the computer finds sum1 like that, they watch their actions carefully & make sure that if they do the same thing a patterson does or might do, then it is immediately reported & 1 of the pattersons hazta do it.

    then u sed sumthin’ ‘bout y wud ne1 wanna 2 know that stuff. & stephanie sed that the whole power & magick of being a patterson iz that there r othah peeps who see their own lives reflected in the life of the pattersons, & in order 4 that 2 happ, there hazta b a system in place 2 make sure those thingz r guaranteed 2 happ. i sed, “y duz there hafta b a system?” & stephanie sed 2 me, “peeps just think it iz az ez az can b 2b so dull & borin’; but it’s not. it takes a lotta work 2 find the mundane thingz peeps do & not try 2 make it innerestin’ sumhow.” then she started 2 cry & u sed, “jeremy! u’ve upset stephanie.” & i thot ‘bout pretty much the whole month of february & all those thingz that ur bro wrote 4 ur blog & how borin’ they were & i hadda kinda agree. it must take a special kinda talent 2 take sumthin’ that iz rilly dull & then 2 make it evn duller. so i sed 2 her, “well, i dunno if it makes u feel ne bettah, but this whole month of february haz gotta b one of the dullest & most borin’ months i have evah seen.” then stephanie kinda perked up & sed, “u rilly mean that?” i sed, “i do. i make it a point 2 tell the truth cuz of how my dad usedta lie all the tyme 2 me & my mom, & i honestly can’t think of a worst month in the last 16+ years i have been around.” then stephanie beamed & she wuz pretty happ ‘bout all that. then u sed, “i dunno, jeremy. november wuz pretty bad 2.”

    then i sed, “so, y do u wunt these peeps 2 think that patterson r just like them?” then stephanie sed, “2 create an army. if they r convinced that their lives r like the pattersons’ lives, then 1 day, they will b told that the pattersons r gonna take over all of canada & they will follow suit ‘cuz all their lives the pattersons have done the same thing they have.” well, u looked kinda stunned by that & i did 2, so we kinda left.

    aftah we got back outside the crawl space, u started rollin’ on the ground & laffin’. u sed, “pattersons r gonna take over all of canada?!!! my mom? my dad? my bro? my sis? the only way my sis wud take ovah all of canada wud be if the prime minister got divorced & left her the job.” u laffed & laffed & laffed ‘till i thot u were gonna get sick. then u got sick. & ur car started playin’ the theme 2 the “alka seltzer” commercial on the radio.

    now u can fill in the rest of wutevah u wunt 2 fill in. u know, the stuff ur car did & that kinda thing.

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm not sure y the car was playing that medley of driving-theme songs, like "baby u can drive my car" by the beatles, "drive" by the cars, "panama" by van halen, and so on. it was kinda, what? self-serving?

    neway, i can't believe i laffed so hard i puked. jeremy was like, "that was hella weird. thass gotta b what we were supposta find there, but what do we do w/that?"

    i was like, "stop them?" and jeremy was like, "stop them from finding the boring ppl?" and i was like, "no, i mean stop my fam from taking over canada!" jeremy sed, "but u were laffing abt that so hard u puked." and i sed, "i know, i still have that aftertaste in my mouth. u got a mint?" he did, and let me have one. i popped the mint in my mouth and then sed, "i know i was laffing, but i also laffed abt mike b-ing able 2 get his book published and have ne1 wanna buy it, and look what happed there." jeremy sed "gd pt."

    then he was like, "but how can we stop them? and b-sides, wd whoever made the map even b against patterson domination?" and i was like, "also a gd pt."

    then jeremy sed, "we needta look @ that map again. it's @ rosario's house." we r on our way there now.



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