April's Real Blog

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

And Dee uses Grandma Marian's wedding dress?

Well, Mike has the next installment in his "what we found in the crawl space" story. Let's C how long it took them 2 get 2 "Hey, this dress wd B PERFECT 4 LIZ!"

Formerly little sis. There comes a time in a man's life when you have to consider that your wife has gone crazy. Take this dress of Grandma Marian’s that Deanna found in the crawl space for example. After she found it, she became completely obsessed. I was dipping my tea bag into my coffee cup to get the best flavour out of it, when I saw Deanna had laid the dress out on the table, spreading it out and admiring it. She said, “I’m going to take this to the dry cleaners and see if they can spruce it up.” I said, “Really?” This was my way of saying, “Why do you want to spend money making a 60-year-old dress look good? It’s not like anyone will ever see it again.”

Then Deanna grasped the dress in both hands and said, “Then, I’ll put it in one of those pretty boxes with the window on top.” I held my tea cup with the usual Patterson pinky extended and said, “And then what?” This was my way of saying, “You’re going to put it in one of those boxes like they put pastries in the grocery store? Is it your plan to put the dress in the kitchen so people can look at it, while they are eating a doughnut?”

Then Deanna gave me this strange look, where her nose and her mouth were starting to be grotesquely distorted. She said, “I don’t know! But, your grandmother’s wedding dress is far too precious to leave in the crawl space!!!” I suddenly went dark from one of those unexpected silhouettes, but while I was there, I started to wonder why it is that my wife, who barely got to meet Grandma Marian before she died, would suddenly be obsessed with her wedding dress. I know that Deanna has embraced the Patterson family and mom and rejected her own mother for the longest time. It never occurred to me that Deanna might also embrace my Grandma Marian and possibly reject her own grandmother too. This could even go back to even earlier generations. Maybe Deanna prefers my great grandmother to her great grandmother. Maybe the same is true of my great, great grandmother or my great, great, great grandmother. I tell you, April, I think there is no depth to which my wife would not sink in her quest to fully immerse herself in all things Patterson. I thought about discussing this particular aspect of her personally with my wife, but there were far more important things to be discussed. Manly things. I said, “So is my hockey gear!!” Considering all the discussion of frilly feminine things like wedding dresses, pastry boxes, and dead grandmothers; I felt it was time to bring up a man subject and there is no manlier subject than hockey. I’ll bet you forgot I even played hockey at one time, didn’t you, April?

Well, my wife apparently had forgotten that, because she said to me, “But honey!...You never USE it!!!” She clutched that wedding dress to her bosom and I tried with all my might not to look at her bosom. And yet I did and I felt all my manly, hockey bravado melt away so I was just left with a dumbstruck look on my face, my coffee cup with tea in it and my extended pinky, and a strange feeling my nose had grown. I looked downward and sure enough, there was the cursive “Lynn” lined up with my manhood again.

It is difficult to feel manly when your wife has gone nuts over something really girly.

Michael Patterson
Actually, Mike, I do remember that U played hockey. Mostly cuz there R times when Mom gets in this weird mood and starts muttering abt U. It starts out kinda sounding like, "Mutter mutter mutter, Michael mutter mutter mutter Mike." Then she'll go, "2 think I drove him 2 all those hockey games and practices and sat in the stands 2 cheer him on even when I was freezing my butt off!" I'm not sure what that's all abt, but I estim8 she does it every 4 wks or so.

I'm not sure what Dee is getting at. Does she have a habit of using old bridal gowns?


Labels: , ,


  • At 2:10 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, wow! ur sil iz rilly goin’ nuts ovah this dress, but i dunno wut a dry cleaner iz gonna do 4 a 60-yo dress stored in a box in a crawl space.

    neway, we had our own mystery 2 solve. we had gone ovah 2 lakeshore landscaping that lawrence poirier and his partner nicholas browne own & were tryin’ 2 figger out how that map rosario found in the crawl space of the mboro yoga centre had their workplace listed az $. u talked 2 lawrence 2c if a dollar sign cd sumhow b abt a lack of money, since there wuzn’t nethin’ obvious there.

    then i saw sumthin’ that made me figger out wut it must b. i sed, “that pot ovah there seems kinda not like the othah flower pots here.” nicholas browne laffed & sed, “oh i call that lawrence’s folly.” lawrence sed, “yeah. well, elly patterson took a trip 2 mexico & she brought back this pot she sed wuz the pieces of an antique aztec pot.” nicholas sed, “told him she wuz givin’ it 2 him cuz it wuz frum mexico just like his dad.” then u sed, “but lawrence’s dad iz frum brazil.” lawrence sed, “well, i mentioned that” & she sed, “all those spanish-speakin’ countries r kinda alike. neplace where u can say, ‘en lo bueno y en lo malo’ & sum1 sez back, ‘usted debe tener una cámara fotográfica en mi casa.’ is like a 2nd home 2 me.” then u sed sumthin’ like, “thass just like mom.”

    i sed, “so the pot looks like it is put 2gethah & not in pieces.” lawrence sed, “i spent a lotta money tryin’ 2 get the pot restored. aftah all, if it wuz rilly an aztec pot, it wuz like a valuable antique or an heirloom frum the old dayz.” nicholas sed, “& aftah it wuz put back 2gethah, it looked like this.” & nicholas picked up the pot, turned it around & there wuz a dollar sign & a slot where u cud put coins. i sed, “so there’s money spent 2 have a dollar sign pot w/no money.” u sed, “money 4 no money.”

    then luis guzmán came up & sed, “wen i wuz in mexico, we wud dream ‘bout havin’ a bank 4 our money like that.” then eva sed, “ur lucky. where i wuz brought up we were lucky 2 dream ‘bout ourselves dreamin’ ‘bout havin’ a bank like that.” then duncan’s silhouette sed, “wen i wuz a silhouette in barbados, they wudn’t evn let silhouettes carry money.” then luis’ gf rosario sed, “how do u carry money neway? i can’t evn tell ur wearin’ ne clothez.” duncan’s silhouette sed, “i can’t b-lieve u wud say such a thing. can’t u see the outline of my pants? a silhouette duzn’t walk ‘round naked.” then eva sed, “thass rite. wen he iz naked u can c a whole different outline.” then rosario sed, “oh rite. his parts wud stick out.” duncan’s silhouette sed, “stop talkin’ ‘bout me like i am not here. just because i look like a shadow duzn’t mean u shud treat me like a shadow.”

    i sed, “i think that pot is the treasure listed on the map. mebbe we cud take a look @it.” u sed, “good idea.” we looked ovah the pot w/the dollar sign & there on the bottom were sum letters. they were “dzs lnqd ozrsqhdr” luis sed, “it must b sum kinda code.” so we copied it down & decided 2 look 4 the next spot on the map. i’ll turn this ovah 2 sum1 else now.

  • At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Luis Guzmán said…


    Chica. My turn now to tell this story. I have tried to figure out the code, but I don’t think it is in Spanish.

    We looked at the map and there were some marks on it. We found la muestra del dólar. That left the picture of gold and the picture of an old woman wearing beach wear, who looks like she wants to be taken on una tabla de dibujo. We decided to look for the gold. The lady in the beach wear is too repugnante to want to find, even for a hot-blooded Latino man. Maybe the gold might be some kind of clue to the real al tesoro. I thought it might be jewelry, so I could give some to Rosario, but I have changed my mind.

    We lined up the mapa del tesoro with the mapa moderno de Milborough, and it looked like the gold part lines up with a place called Brass’ Pool Hall and Tavern. I think that the color on the map may be brass and not gold, because the name says Brass. So we decided to go there after school and someone else will talk about it later. I have to finish some math.

    Luis Guzmán

  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, so blogger was down 4 a while there. i won't have a chance 2 fill in ne deets abt our visit 2 brass's pool hall and tavern now cuz mom is insisting i help her catalogue those slides she found this past wkend. jeremy mite b able 2 share sum stuff w/u 2nite. he wasn't sure if he'd get the chance, but he sed he'd try.



Post a Comment

<< Home