April's Real Blog

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Warren makes bad choices

Liz wrote in 2 share what happed next when Warren dropped by her apt unxxpectedly:

It's just not fair, I don't think you understand, but maybe you do since you broke things off with Gerald and he keeps coming around anyway, and back in last April (not you, the month), I was following all of the rules that it says you should do in The (Patterson) Rules, well that is supposed to make the men know you are a real prize, but that Warren, he put his work in front of being with me, which is like the ultimate pleasure on earth, to be with a Patterson woman, and I gave the phone a good spitting to let him know that he had missed out on life with an emotionally mature woman with a healthy supply of saliva, because some men like that thing, I have been told, and I thought he had come over to my apartment to talk, but then he was grabbing me, so mom always says that coffee is better than sex, so I thought I could distract Warren with coffee, so I said, “Warren, let go!...I’ll make you a coffee!” and he said, “OK, OK…” like he knew coffee was better than sex, and I was upset because we never had sex before when we were dating so how did he know that my coffee would be better than sex with me, not that I would ever have sex with Warren, but I was so insulted and then he said a word which a good Patterson man never says unless threatened with a gun or a bazooka or something, he said, “Thanks” and so I thought it would be a good idea to remind him of the time, just in case he didn’t have a watch on and I said, “Look. It’s after 10.” ( and I thought about pointing to a clock when I said to look, but I had my hands full of coffee cups and I know all about that trick where someone asks you the time on your watch while you are holding coffee because that little creep, my favourite student, Jesse Mukwa used to do it to me all the time), so I said, “Why are you here? What’s the matter?” which are pretty direct questions for me, and I hate to say this, but sometimes when I am tired I forget that according to the handy little "Passive Language Purity Guide" that the Johnston Institute puts out, a Patterson woman should never ask direct questions, so then he told me, and he said, “I quit my job, Liz. I got so tired of being sent all over the place. I want to stop. I don’t have a HOME anywhere!! I can’t fly anymore. It’s one of the two things in life that I really love, and I have to give it up,” and as I thought about it, I seem to remember having heard this same speech before the last time a man grabbed me when I didn’t want him to and someone telling me they had no HOME, like I had a feeling of DJ view, (which is where DJ’s know what song is coming up before they even say it), and I looked at Warren and he did not really look that much like a DJ to me, and I thought it was a good thing Anthony wasn’t here or he would tell me I could give my apartment to Warren and then move in with him, so Warren could have a home and I could live in my other home with Anthony, but then I remember that Warren had counted to 2 things he really loved, and thought I knew the other one must be my coffee, so I said, “What’s the other thing?” and he didn’t say it was my coffee at all, he said, “You” and when he said that I had this sudden feeling that I looked like a combination of mom and Mike and not much like myself at all, and you know, April, I had this sudden memory of mom telling one of those secret mom things where she said to me, “Lizzie. You need to stop digging in your diaper, I am going to change you in a few minutes” and then she said, “Lizzie, if there’s one thing in your life you can never trust, it’s a man who is willing to give up things to be with you. A man who is willing to transfer his job for you or a man who is willing to give up his job to be close to you are the types of men who will marry you for more than 30 years and then you will find out that they have been cheating on you all along with some slut you have known for years. Those are not the types of men for you. You need to go with an emotionally-distant man, who will never make any kind of sacrifice for you and might leave you sitting in a high chair all night. Those are the men, men like your father, who make the best husbands and dads.” and while I was rememberizing that, I was also wondering how Warren would pay for apartment rent without his job, and that Warren is just a big poopyhead if he thinks I am going to pay for apartment rent for him too, and how this could mess up everything with Anthony, just as he was almost about to consider the possibility of perhaps, maybe getting me an engagement ring, which is the type of thing that unemployed Warren is not going to give me, unless he has some rich relatives somewhere. I am very confused about all of this as you tell, but at least Mike isn’t telling his boring stories.

Liz, it's déjà vu, which means "already seen," and it's this feeling you get, where something it's happening feels like it's already happened B4 another time, only U know it hasn't. Not "DJ view," U goof!

And Y do men keep associating Liz with having a home? She's a grade-four teacher, not a realtor! MayB those Transformers who R studying us cd look in2 this mystery?


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  • At 12:52 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i hadda kinda convo w/gerald which iz makin’ me nervous, evn tho i know i shudn’t be nervous. but gerald stopped me in the hall & he sed, “jeremy, jeremy, jeremy. u think ur b-ing romantic 4 april, but ur doin’ it all wrong. wut u hafta do iz find sum way that ur relationship w/her won’t work & then u drop n2 her life aftah a lotta tyme & get back 2gethah w/her, only 2 hafta b apart frum her 4 the same reasn again. i have my musick career 2 get in the way, but wen the tyme iz rite, i am gonna come back n2 her life & tell her i am gonna give up my musick career 4 her & then that will b it, except 4 sum ballroom dance moves & stuff wen she realizes i am the 1 for her.” i sed, “april iz not gonna b like her sis & this warren blackwood guy who drops n2 see her every year.” then gerald sed, “blackwood. oh, i 4got ‘bout him. i wuz takin’ a lesson from mr. anthony caine.”

    then i realized wut gerald wuz talkin’ ‘bout, how anthony caine & ur sis broke up in university & then got 2gethah every couple of months or so, ‘till he destroyed his marriage 4 her. then i kinda got scared that mebbe gerald wuz on2 sumthin’, cuz of wut he sed happed w/u guyz ovah new years’ eve. he seemed rilly sure that hiz way iz the way 2 romance u.

    i hope he’z wrong, cuz u know i kinda like havin’ a gf 2 do thingz w/like every day & not every couple of months. u know like 2nite, w/watching the leafs take on the new jersey devils. i like snugglin’ on the chesterfield w/u & watching hockey 2gethah & i wudn’t wanna hafta wait like a month between tymes 2 do sumthin’ like that, eh?

    sorry, 2 get nervous ‘bout this, but gerald seemed 2b rilly sure ‘bout it, like he had no doubt he wuz gonna end up w/u in end.

  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You have asked why do men keep associating our sister Elizabeth with having a home, since she is not a realtor. In order to understand this, you have to understand the basic nature of what makes a home. It is not a structure or a building. What makes a home is having a women in the house who understands the importance of keeping the house and taking care of the children. Without that in your home, you have no home.

    Just think of poor Anthony Caine and his ex-wife Thérèse. She was so busy traveling, taking courses and climbing up the corporate ladder; she never understood what makes a home. When a mother has kept the house spotless, there is a home. When a mother cooks for her children, even if she is a dreadful cook like Elizabeth and the family’s favourite meal is Kraft dinner, there is a home. There are not many women like that left in the world. My Deanna is one. Mom is another. Grandma Marian was yet another. I think it is safe to say that our Elizabeth will be one too. Obviously Anthony Caine and Warren Blackwood think so, and they realize the importance of getting a catch like Elizabeth to make their house into a home, or they wouldn’t have been willing to destroy their marriage or their career to get her. That tells you how rare and special a woman like Elizabeth is.

    This is something for you to realize too. I know you have plans to be a veterinarian, and that is a great choice, so long as you remember to do it just the way that Auntie Bev did it, where she practised veterinary medicine for fifteen years from a small clinic built into the Cruikshank farm home. That allowed her to work and still make their farm into a home. Something to remember for when you get to that point in your life.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:37 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I had lunch with Marjee Mahaha today. She read over your blog today to see how Warren Blackwood, her sometime fiancé was embarassing himself with your sister this year. I asked her if she was upset that Warren had quit his job and said that flying and Elizabeth Patterson were the only things that he loved. Then Marjee told me Warren was prone to exaggeration when it came to talking to Elizabeth.

    I said, “How is he exaggerating?” Marjee said, “Well, first of all, the idea that Warren can’t live in one place and also be a helicopter pilot, so he has to quit his job. What Warren really means to say is that he can’t keep working for the mining company as a helicopter pilot and expect to stay in one location for very long. Obviously, he could work as a helicopter pilot instructor in any of the pilot schools in Toronto and live in one place. The idea he has to give up flying for Elizabeth is so stupid, I cannot even imagine someone out of touch with reality as even a deranged, 60-year-old comic strip artist coming up with that idea and expecting anyone to believe it.”

    I said, “What about the part where he said he loves Elizabeth?” Marjee said, “He dated her for 2 months in university in 2003 and has seen her once or twice a year since then. I’ve dated Warren for longer than that, just this past year, going to visit him in Yellowknife. He doesn’t know her well enough to love her and to be frank, I am better-looking than she is, I dress better than she does, I cook better than she does, I keep a cleaner house than she does, I am better in bed, and to be honest, I am a whole lot easier to get along with than little, Miss ‘Everything has to be my way’ Elizabeth Patterson.”

    Marjee is sure Warren will come back to her as soon as he gets rejected by your sister, although Marjee may have a few things to say about the matter herself.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u don't hafta worry. gerald is so deluded he thinx i m just like liz. i think u will agree that i m not. we r totally watching hockey 2nite. if the leafs do well, we get 2 celebr8, and if they don't we can comfort ea other. either way we both win, eh?

    mike, i m gonna figure out my own way of doing things, not slavishly follow sum preset "patterson" way.

    howard, i can't understand y marjee puts up w/all that, tho i guess she has her own reasons.


  • At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, why I put up with all that--I guess right after I explain it to myself, I'll go ahead and explain it to you. I know it doesn't really make sense, but I keep doing it!

    It's true that Liz is like an addiction for Warren, but it comes and goes. Maybe someday there will be a cure.


  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You call it “slavishly follow some preset ‘Patterson’ way.” I call it, “Embracing your destiny.” You will be successful, because you are a Patterson. However, if you understand your destiny, you can work within that framework to become even better, even greater than what you are expected to be. For example, I was destined to become a best-selling author, but by embracing my destiny to have mom as my editor, i.e. including her before I had even figured out the ending to my book, I was able to avoid all those disappointments other authors face, like rejections and grueling book tours.

    In contrast, Elizabeth should have been married to Anthony Caine and teacher of the year by now; but she is not. Why is that? Two years wasted in the Northwest with a constable boyfriend.

    You have to judge which life you want to have, formerly little sis: My life of near perfection, or Elizabeth’s life of painful futility and men coming to her apartment at all hours of the night. Your choice.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, good 2 hear gerald iz deluded when he thinx ur like ur sis. i definitely think ur not like her, like 4 one thing, u don’t look like ur mom or ur bro @all. cuz u know, if i were like anthony caine & i wuz kissin' on ur sis, & wen i looked @ur sis, she looked like ur mom or ur bro, i wud be like, rilly disgusted. i know wenevah we have been kissin', i know wen i open my eyes 2 look @u, ur actually gonna b pretty.

    um, if the leafs win, will u do that yoga thing w/ur legz i like?

  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i choose my OWN destiny, mike! liz's probs r not from resisting her destiny. she was happy in mtig. she shda stayed there.


  • At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, as usual, you don't know what you are talking about. I'm a "southern" girl. No way I could have stayed in the North. And Paul could never be happy down South. Because he's made of snow.

    So "Ugly Brother" is right. I never should have followed that "adventure" like I did. Anthony is just like Dad, and that should have been my hint that I should have stayed with him, even that summer when we completely ignored each other because we were bored with each other. We were so young and foolish back then.


  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i cannot reason w/my sibs. they never listen 2 me. jeremy, shd i come over yet?


  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i did not c yr post until just now. yeah, i'll def. do the yoga thing u like! even if the leafs don't win.


  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, oh yeah, come ovah now. mom’z alreddy got supper goin’ & she haz a spot 4u w/lotsa veggies & i told her not 2 pour melted cheese all ovah them like last tyme. i did the butternut squash dish, in case ur innerested. u’ll hafta kinda ignore step-dad & mom w/their chicken a la king, but ur prolly usedta that frum eatin’ @ur place. the games on @7:30 & mom & dad r cube w/us snugglin’ xxcept mom sez she duzn’t wunt ne “wardrobe malfunctions”, like the last tyme wen we thot they were outa the room & they weren’t, eh? i think mom iz gettin’ usedta u, cuz she took down the big sign that had the list of local hospitals & addresses marked, “in case of april patterson”.

  • At 7:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m @ jeremy's place. we've finished dinner and r getting ready 2 watch the leafs vs. the devils. go leafs!

    i'm so glad jeremy's mom finally took down that "in case of april patterson" sign. it was making me v. self-conscious.


  • At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Optimus Prime said…

    So called "Apes." We don't have an answer for you, we're just hopin your sister can provide us info to the evil sorceress and hopefully that will lead us to Megatron. She seems to be able to suspsend time in her apartment through witchcraft and coffee, making it hard for us to get any good intel.

    Her apartment is some kind of magnetic attraction to base metals, perhaps that's a clue?

    I pray to Primus that no nation of power notices your town's power. I could see a coalition of earthen lands declaring war on Canada based on these activities! As a diplomat first, I will try to stop this, and hope my Autobot team can get some answers beyond "young adults like to swap DNA."


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