April's Real Blog

Thursday, March 06, 2008


Liz wrote 2 me w/the next bit of what happed when Warren dropped by her place one recent nite:

After Warren and I finished our coffee, I really wanted him to leave, so I tried Mom's "subtle hint for getting guests to leave #1," which is to wash and dry your dishes in front of them. As I was drying a mug, I told Warren, "Look, ...I'm sorry about your job..." Which wasn't really true, because what's it to me, and I never told him to quit, but it seemed like the thing I should say. Then Warren said, "Yeah--I'm hoping I can get something stable now... maybe teach at the college." I kind of looked over my shoulder at him while I put away the mug and told him, "You could do that. They have a good flight school there." And Warren said, "I'd hafta take some courses though. ...MAN! I never should have quit. Not without an alternative." Well, duh! But instead of saying, "Duh," which Mom says is not ladylike, I said, "Warren, I'd like to help you, but I don't know how." Warren opened his eyes very wide, raised his eyebrows, and said, "Well... I'm sharing my place with a guy and he's got... You know... company. I need somewhere to crash for a couple of nights. And I said, "You can't stay HERE! --Besides, I'm seeing someone! And instead of asking me who, so I could tell him about Anthony, he said, "I know..." And then his eyelids went droopy and he added, "You're seeing ME!"

April, suddenly I had this weird sicky feeling in my tummy and I wondered if he might be referring to that time in December of 2005, when I had told him I was with Paul, and during our helicopter ride to Milborough, I told him "seeing is believing." Why do people keep doing that, making references to things that were said, like, um, one, two, three, yeah, three years ago? Like you can't say anything because someone will use it again and kind of say it back. And I also wondered since when does he even have a "place" in Milborough? And if he does, and it's his place, why doesn't he kick out the guy who has "company"? But I didn't ask him any of this. But you'll have to wait until tomorrow before I tell you what happened next.

Bad move, Warren. If you're going to rearrange yr life 2 B w/Liz U @ least have 2 do yr intel and find out if she is d8ing NE1 else.


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  • At 11:17 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i still don’t get it. gerald’s house haz company ovah & his ‘rents asked ur ‘rents if he cud spend the night ovah @ur place & ur ‘rents sed “yes”? y iz it ur house? haven’t these peeps heard of a hotel? or mebbe evn puttin’ the company up in a hotel? who duz this kinda stuff? who sez “yes” 2 this kinda stuff? i mean aside frum ur ‘rents & ur whacked-out sis. now i think ‘bout it, ur ‘rents did have ur entire fam in that 1 house 4 months & months. & wut did ur ‘rents mean wen they sed, “u hafta b ovah @ur house 2 entertain ur guest”?

    ok. i’ll calm down. but wen we’re ovah @ur place 2nite, gerald better wanna watch the leafs play the bruins @7, & not sum tv special on the life of the vikings.

  • At 11:53 AM, Blogger howard said…


    We got visited by Marjee Mahaha, Warren Blackwood’s sometimes fiancée last night for supper and she stayed over. My wife, Beatrice Alfarero felt she was spending a little too much time with us, but my daughters, María and Ana were more sympathetic. They said, “But mom, her fiancé’s chasing after Elizabeth Patterson. Just imagine if it were dad doing that.” We saw your blog this morning and just shook our heads. This is how the conversation went:

    Maria: Does that trick work?
    Beatrice: What trick?
    Maria: The trick where you tell the woman you love her and you have given up everything for her and, oh by the way, can I stay the night, because my roommate has company over? That trick.
    Beatrice: I suppose we will find out if Elizabeth Patterson fell for it tomorrow.
    Maria: No. I mean has that trick ever worked? Are there people that stupid?
    Ana: If Paul Mayes did it to you, you would fall for it.
    Maria: That’s different. Paul Mayes is hott. And he’s rich, so it would mean he really did have a roommate like that, and he wasn’t just some unemployed helicopter pilot sleaze.
    Marjee: Don’t believe that unemployed part. First he says he has to give up flying forever, and then he says he is thinking about working in the local college only he already knows he has to take some teaching certification classes. You can tell from that, he’s already checked out job options. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has already worked out some agreement with the college to work helicopter-related jobs until he is officially qualified as a trainer. But is Elizabeth Patterson smart enough to put that together? No. I bet she won’t even mention it.
    Me: Frankly, I will be surprised if Elizabeth lets him sleep over. That would jeopardize her relationship with Anthony she has been working on ever since she found out he was engaged to be married.
    Marjee: When it comes to doing something stupid, never underestimate Elizabeth Patterson.
    Me: Well, you have a point there.
    Maria: How dumb is she?
    Ana: Is she really as stupid as people say she is?
    Beatrice: We will find out tomorrow if Elizabeth Patterson fell for Warren Blackwood’s trick. You will have to wait. Now you two need to get ready for school.
    Marjee: There’s no need to wait. She’s going to say, “Yes.”
    Me: Why didn’t you take him in? You’re his fiancée.
    Marjee: Who do you think his “roommate” is? Howard. Don’t be naïve. There’s no company. People don’t drive over to someone’s apartment in the middle of the night and tell such a stupid story. Whatever it is that is making Warren act like an idiot over Elizabeth, knows that she is as thick as a brick, and she will fall for this simple suggestion.
    Beatrice: Yes, Howard. Not only that, but she knows better. She told Warren she was seeing someone else. Remember what you told Elizabeth the time you got away from me and you starting throwing yourself at her?
    Me: Massage for house kitties is a legitimate profession.
    Beatrice: You’re just lucky I got there in time to stop you. Why don’t you go to stop Warren, Marjee?
    Marjee: Warren will come back eventually and I know with Elizabeth Patterson, nothing will happen. He’s not in any danger.
    Beatrice: What if Anthony catches him there and they get into a fight?
    Marjee: You think Anthony could hurt Warren? Hahaha!
    Me: Warren might be in for a vicious ear-tweaking. Hahaha!

    That’s what I remember about the conversation, although Marjee may want to add something.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 1:06 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I afraid we are witnessing what is referred to in the Patterson courting rituals as the last minute play by the rival. For me, it was when Rhetta Blum decided we could make another go of our relationship, just shortly before my future wife, the lovely Deanna, announced to me she had broken off her engagement to the other guy to whom she was engaged before me. Fortunately, I was able to weather this storm until Rhetta went out on a date with another guy, freeing me up to date Deanna while keeping me without cheating on Rhetta to do that. Remember, it’s not cheating if the other person cheats first.

    Now it is Elizabeth’s turn to weather the storm, and I must admit it appears it is going to be tougher for her than it was for me. With Rhetta and Deanna, it was an easy choice because Deanna did not nag me like Rhetta did and Deanna was a lot better-looking. With Elizabeth she has a choice between Warren Blackwood and Anthony Caine.

    Anthony does have steady employment with Gordon Mayes and a house. However, he does have the liability of having a half-Quebecoise child and a Quebecoise ex-wife who will probably stop by from time-to-time and ask for money. Warren Blackwood has no money or house, but he does have the advantage of being prettier than Anthony Caine and for that matter, Elizabeth too. If he were to marry into the Patterson family, he would be the prettiest next to me and Deanna, of course.

    Anthony Caine is slow, steady and dependable, and I would say more slow than it is necessary when it comes to asking a girl on dates or to get married. Warren Blackwood is faster, but he has made the critical mistake of telling Elizabeth he loves her. As you know, confessions of love are not the way to a Patterson’s heart. If you were to go through my old monthly letters from, you would find that not once do I ever I say that I love my wife, Deanna. Anthony understands this well; whereas inexperienced Warren does not.

    Anthony Caine will be Elizabeth’s finale choice, due to the childhood sweetheart factor. However, if you get tired of Elizabeth hemming and hawing before she chooses Anthony Caine, I have some more stories I can from my youth and childhood.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, not only did my mom tell ger he can stay @ my house, but she also sed that he can have my room and that i hafta go stay sumwhere else. is there room @ yr house? do u think yr mom wd say it's ok?

    howard, so u're the kitty masseur that liz once mentioned in passing. i wondered abt that!

    mike, no way m i yearning 4 ne of your stories!


  • At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Li Patterson said…

    April, I cannot believe all the mean people out there who say I am stupid. That is so unfair! If I were stupid, I wouldn't have "bestest teacher" awards @ my school. Which I do. So I'm not!


  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, it is so good to be able to talk with someone who understands what I'm going through with Warren chasing after your sister. Anyone who hasn't had a partner fall for Liz's "Patterson allure" can't begin to get what it's like!


  • At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Bubbles said…

    There's nothing wrong with a kitty massage service! My kitties love a good massage! Ricky and Mr. Lahey ruined my chances of getting my "kitty daycare" business off the ground, so I understand what you might be going through, Howard.

    April, please tell your father to stop calling me. My trains are not for sale!

    Sunnyvale Trailer Park

  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if mom will say "yes" 2u stayin' ovah, but i will definitely ask. i suppose we just hafta w8 till ur mom sez ur done doin' ur guest-entertaining duties w/gerald & then u can come ovah 2 my place, if mom sez it's ok. & if mom duzn't say it's ok, then u already know it's pretty ez 2 sneak u in w/o mom noticin'.

  • At 2:03 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Yes, I pretty much had little kitty Shiimsa in a catatonic state with the massage (and yes I did use that pun with your sister). She loved it and I think she was close to inviting me to pull on her shirt (for some reason), when Beatrice came through the door waving a frying pan and yelling something like "Get your hands off that pussy!" It was not one of my better moments.

    Beatrice is a lot better about predicting my Elizabeth Patterson allure moments than she used to be. Most times, I don't make it out of the house in that kind of mood, much less all the way to Elizabeth's apartment in the middle of the night, before I have been frying-panned into clearer, non-Elizabeth Patterson allured thinking.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 3:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    (OOC comments: All I can say is that I love reading this blog and the replies to it. It is probably the best thing that I have come across since I started getting frustrated with the FBoFW comics! Keep up with the good work!!

  • At 6:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    [Thanks, morga! Please feel free to stop by here for more OOC talk. :)]

  • At 11:45 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, omg. iz gerald evah goin' 2 go 2 bed? y duz ur mom insist u hafta b a good hostess 2 him 4 az long az he iz awake? @least the leafs crushed boston 8 - 2, 4 wut parts of the game i got 2 watch, in between gerald insistin' we watch a special on vikingz & a tv show called, "y canuck musicians can."

    i wuz rilly tempted 2 go back home & c the game, but every tyme i turned my back gerald wuz sayin', "now he's gone, ur seeing me", like it wuz sum kinda weird hypnotic command or sumthin'. it wuz that or he wuz tryin' 2 munch on ur bangz, like he did on new years.

    wut ru puttin' in gerald's drink? ok. i don't wanna know.

  • At 2:08 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, that stuff in gerald's drink worked gr8. he's sleepin' like a baby...a baby that snores & drools, but pretty close. now we're ovah @my place we can get sum sleep. oh...um...i guess we can do that 1st.


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