April's Real Blog

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Liz shows Francie how messy eating is done

OMG, I am having the best time working @ Redd Hott Bajan Mamma's in Barbardos w/Duncan an' his fam and Jeremy, Eva, Zandra, and her lil bro Charles Wallace. So, so cube!

So Liz sent me another e-mail:
April, as you know, we Pattersons always change the subject on Sundays, but I get to tell the "Sunday" story this time. Because it's still MY turn! MINE! I can't tell you anything else about when Warren dropped by my apartment and answered Anthony's phone call yet, so instead, I'll tell you about this one time recently when I was watching Frenchy. Anthony had a big, important Astronomy Club Executive Committee meeting, so he asked me to come over and care for the kid. And Mom says I should always be ready to show Anthony what a great stepmom I'll be someday, when he finally asks me to marry him.

Anyway, the first thing I did after Anthony left the house was to put Frenchy into her booster seat at the kitchen table. You might be confused because she didn't need a booster seat at the Christmas dinner, but you shouldn't be, because you should be used to Milborough child development and dis-development. So I thought about what I could get her that would be nice and easy to make, and I was happy to see that Anthony had bread, peanut butter, and jelly. I made a PB & J sandwich for Frenchy brought it over to her. Then, as I was putting the ingredients away, I looked over my shoulder and saw that she had pulled the sandwich apart and was licking the PB & J off of the bread. I said, "Francie, you're old enough to know how to eat properly!" And while she was tearing one of her messy pieces of bread in half, she said, "But... I don't wanna eat properly... I wanna eat like this." I noticed that somehow, magically, Frenchy's face was completely clean again. Then, to make a point, I quickly made a PB & J sandwich of my own and tore the pieces apart as I asked, "You mean, like this?"

Then I started to lick PB & J off of the inside of one side of bread while making these sounds: "MUNCH, GLUPP, SLURBP, MFF, EAT, SLURP, GLUPPP... SLORBP, GLMPH, SLUPP, EAT..." While I did this, clean-faced Frenchy laughed like she'd never seen anything so funny. I had a bad feeling that my "teaching moment" wasn't having the effect I meant it to. Especially since I could kind of see Frenchy's point that PB & J is extra delicious if eaten that way. But I couldn't tell her that, so instead I got up and said, "Well, that's that! Guess I'd better clean up!" And Frenchy said, "No, 'Lizabeth!!" And she suddenly had PB & J on her face again. I asked, "Why not?" And then her face went clean just as she said, "I don't want you to grow up so fast!!!" I got a gobsmacked look on my face, because what 3-year-old talks like that? Though I should be used to that from Frenchy. Oh, that reminds me, did you know she turned 3 this past Friday, March 7? Anthony said we weren't going to celebrate because he wants to make sure he doesn't spoil her. Mom heard about this and said, "I knew there was a reason I've always liked Anthony!"

Oh, ew. What a vommy story. I think I need 2 go B sick now.


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  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous anderson "andy" davis said…

    Dear Francoise,

    My name is Andy. I am 3 years old. I live in Barbados with my mamma and her friend Arne, except on alternate weekends and Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I guess you know Arne and my Uncle Duncan and my Grandma Anderson and my Grandpa Anderson because they used to live in Canada.

    My mamma has a restaurant and she lets me play there all the time. You should come over and play with me. I have my very own squeegie and I scrape food off the plates into the garbage. Sometimes the food gets all over my uniform. It's a lot of fun. I think you would have fun, too.

    Your friend,

  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Duncan, you asked me to meet you in the parlour at 2:00 a.m.. I went there, and you were hunched over on the corner of the couch saying "rinse wash rinse bleach no no no" over and over. I left you there and went to have a shower before I went to sleep, since I was covered in lighter fluid. Luckily Bambi and Perdita had removed all the matchbooks from the tables. I really, really hate magicians. Zenia emailed me this morning: she's got a part-time job at Blackstones, that bar on Elm Street downtown, working the bar. Better her than me.


  • At 2:36 PM, Anonymous Francie Caine said…

    Hi, Andy. That sounds like fun. But my Papa won't buy me a plane ticket.

    Everyone says Lizabeth is going to be my new mommy. But I miss my old mommy. I don't see her often, but when I do, she cuts my sandwiches into four small triangles and removes the crusts. They are easier to eat and I don't have to pull them apart.

    Francie Caine

  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, sorry Zed.

    Andy, d00d, Francoise doesnt no evry1 who lives in Canada. Canadas a rilly humungus place, its like a zillion times bigger than Barbados. Ask CW 2 show u a map on his Crackberry.

  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Zenia said…

    Zandra, the men here are pigs, of course, but I know how to handle them. I don't feel so well, though. I think I have a terminal illness.


  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Yeah, Zenia, u have a terminal case of b*tchiness. Sux 2b u. Ill send sum flowers 2 ur funeral.

  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    We've got a bit of down-time today: Arne's taken the magicians off to some other part of Bridgetown to bother people. Jeremy's fixing the soundboard, since Arne used it for rabbit storage last night. He keeps on forgetting most rabbits aren't like Wilco. Wilco, by the way, is writing a new soap opera for Radio-Canada: "La petite maison avec les trains." Duncan, April and Eva are jamming, and I think Andy is trying to play something percussive.


  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous anderson "andy" davis said…

    Dear Francoise,

    Do you want me to ask my mommy if she will buy you a plane ticket so you can come and play with me? My mommy bought plane tickets for all of Uncle Duncan's friends so they could come and play with him.

    I know what sandwiches are. My mamma has them on the menu of her restaurant for the tourists to eat. I don't like sandwiches. My favourite foods are flying fish and cou-cou, and pudding and souse. We don't have any pudding and souse at my mamma's restaurant, but sometimes my Uncle Duncan takes me to KFC and buys me some as a treat.

    Your friend,

  • At 3:38 PM, Anonymous Francie Caine said…

    Andy, I would love that, but I think that your mommy would need to ask my daddy and that my daddy would say "no."


  • At 5:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    i know ur havin’ a hard tyme believin’ this, but those marks on my neck r not frum eva, evn tho she sez they r. aftah duncan left us @the goat farm & showin’ us the place where he wuz almost killed by goats (boring), then eva & i were not sleepin’ 2gethah. i woke up cuz i heard sum noise & wen i went 2c wut it wuz, there wuz a giant cat takin’ apart a sandwich in 2 halves & eatin’ both halves & getting food all ovah its fur. i sed 2 the cat, “ur makin’a mess.” & then i swear the cat sed 2 me, “toopid. get faustus goat milk, if u value ur life.” i thot i was dreamin’ till the cat knocked me down & bit my neck & sed, “toopid. goat milk. now!” so i spent part of the evenin’ milkin’ goats 4 this giant cat. neway, the mark on my neck iz where the cat bit me & not frum eva bitin’ me there, even if she sez thass wut happed. it’s not wut happed.

  • At 8:35 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, d00d, just b happy that Faustus didnt ask u 4 fresh goat meat, k?

    Beach partay 2nite!!!

    p.s. Sekret message 4 sum1: Meet me in the parlour @ 2:00 am.

  • At 9:10 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Oh crap. It's been hellish today, since we're not just innundated with magicians, we've got cricketers and their fans. We had a slow afternoon, but around 6 the cricketers turned up. There's a major cup series going on, sponsored by Carib Beer. The Carib Beer Girls are here, along with Beery the Giant Beer Bottle, the understudy mascot.

  • At 9:18 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Oh crap. Arne's just come back with a group of magicians, and they're trying to do something to Beery the Giant Beer Bottle.

  • At 9:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    the cat thing was kinda hard 2 believe, but then jeremy brot me 2 him and the same thing almost happened 2 me. luckily jeremy already had goat milk ready. eva was saying, "it was me, it was me!" until she got surprised by duncan's silhouette, and suddenly she was like, "oh, when'd u get here?" and "it wasn't me, it was the cat, ha-ha, funny joke, eh?"

    i'm having hella fun @ the party!


  • At 10:35 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u know i think this is the 1st tyme i have evah wondered if a giant beer bottle is a screw top or a pop off top.

    az 4 how duncan's silhouette got here, remembah how my luggage weighed 2 much? yes, thass the reason.

  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    I think it's a pop-off top, Jeremy, when the giant beer bottle takes its head off itself and then screams, "You frakking magician, I'll show you where that lighter fluid goes!"
    Beery was about to slug Arne until one of the tourists stood up and said, "I'm on vacation now, but I'm Mopey, the Mascot from Mayes Midtown Motors, and also the president of the Southern Ontario Mascot Association. You, sir (and he was pointing at the beer bottle) are not to de-head under any circumstances, even when seriously provoked. That's an infraction of Rule 7(b)(i) of the International Mascot Rules, 2005 revision." Arne was pretty lucky Mopey was there. Bambi didn't have to get Donavan out from the parking area to settle things down.

  • At 12:26 AM, Anonymous Joy said…

    This had me laughing out loud. Awesome. Keep it up.


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