April's Real Blog

Friday, March 14, 2008

Liz calls top bunk

Well, NE1 who was wagering that Anthony wd pull off the most bloodless, no-passion marriage proposal he cd got 2 collect $ after reading the "Liz" installment I posted 4 all of U yesterday. She's sent me an e-mail 2 tell what happened rite after her big "YEEAAHH" outburst:

After Anthony and I got ourselves engaged, I was so excited that I forgot that Frenchy had been in her room the whole time. Why is she not in boarding school? Anyway, she's not, and right after I cheered out loud, she walked into the room and asked, "Daddy? What happened?" By then, Anthony and I were hugging, while still sitting side-by-side. Anthony told her, "It's OK, honey... We were just discussing.... Well, Elizabeth and I were talking about getting married someday." Then I opened my big mouth and said, "If it's okay with you!" I wanted to show Anthony how "good with kids" I am, but then I realized that if she said it's not okay with her, I might have been unengaged! But I went on, asking, "What do you think, Francie? How would you feel if I came to live with you forever?" And she said, "I dunno. Could I keep my own room?" I was so surprised by her answer that I went into silhouette. And Anthony got a "gobsmacked" look on his face.

Ha! I'm not even done telling this story. More tomorrow.

Hm, maybe Anthony WILL make Liz and Francie share a room. And basement play-cage. Never know with the Antman.


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  • At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Francie Caine said…

    Hello, Andy. I saw your question about stepmoms. What is a stepmom?


  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, I stopped by Lilliput's today to buy some bridal magazines and there were a whole bunch of people having coffee with Mom. A lot of them were throwing their arms around her and thanking her. I can't understand what that's all about.


  • At 1:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it haz been awful in the BOH w/andy az the new head dishwasher. u hafta call him anderson now. plus duncan’s silhouette & charles wallace have been playin’ off him all mornin’. “charles wallace & i were talkin’ ‘bout wut a gr8 boss u r, andy, & how gr8 bosses will let us go 2 farley hill, 2c wut arne iz doin’, if thass ok w/u?” or eva came up 2 him & sed, “andy. i’m tired of sleepin’ w/the goats. how wud u feel if i came 2 live w/u 4evah, or @least till we go back 2 mboro?” then andy sez, “az long az i get 2 keep my own room.” so it’s been kinda just me washin’ dishes 2day. i only saw duncan 1 tyme wen he walked in covered in sand & sum othah sumthin’ & he looked awful. andy sed, “YEEAAAAAHH”. duncan sed, “AAAAAHH!” i sed, “wut happened?” duncan sed, “pelicans. don’t ask.” so i didn’t.

  • At 2:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    foh has been kinda weird 2, jeremy. bambi von bon bon keeps giving us lil "seminars" on special moves we shd use 2 increase our tip %ages. every once in a while zandra will comment, "that move is not okay with me."


  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, altho i mite agree that sum of thoze moves mite not b 1s that u shud uze 4 customerz, i wudn't mind c-ing u do them sumtyme. like 2nite or rilly netime we can find tyme 2gethah, which iz hardly @all since we have been here.

  • At 2:54 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Now that Elizabeth is somewhat officially engaged (which means that she isn’t officially engaged until she tells the story about how she told mom about it), you should be taking notes on her behaviour so you will know what to do when your time for engagement comes.

    For example, if you have the misfortune to plan to marry someone who already has children (like if Gerald Delaney-Forsythe marries that Pakistani girl he has been seen around Milborough with, before he quits his music career, divorces his wife and gets custody of his half-Pakistani child to chase after you), it is necessary to gain their confidence before the children are sent off to boarding school. One of the best ways to do this, you see demonstrated quite expertly by our sister in her story today. It is the method that we refer in the Patterson world as: Giving the Child All the Power. You are not truly giving the child all the power. After all, even when I was young there were moments when my parents didn’t let me get away with something, although I have a hard time remembering them now. I would tell a story about something that happened in 1979 to illustrate my point, but that will cause you to lose focus.

    Elizabeth gave you three excellent examples of Giving the Child All the Power:

    1. She told the little half-Quebecoise girl that she would only get married to Anthony if it was OK with her. It’s obvious to anyone who knows Elizabeth that the likelihood of her giving up Anthony Caine after spending so much time in pursuit of him, if a little little half-Quebecoise girl says so, is remote at best. However, by making this gesture, if the girl does approve, then she has effectively acknowledged Elizabeth as her stepmother, whether she realizes what she is doing or not. So, later on, when Elizabeth suggests that boarding school for half-Quebecoise children to the girl, she can say, “But you told me it was OK with you to be your stepmother and to do the best thing for you.”

    2. The second example was to ask the little half-Quebecoise girl what she thinks. This is what we call the nonsensical, generic question. Without specificity, the little girl can say what she thinks on any particular subject and expect Elizabeth to value the importance of those thoughts; when, in reality, Elizabeth can put them off to the mild ramblings of a little girl.

    3. The third example was to ask the little half-Quebecoise girl would feel if Elizabeth came to live with her forever. Now this was cleverly worded; because unless Elizabeth and the little half-Quebecoise girl plan to become members of the walking dead, there is no way this can happen in the first place. This way, if the girl does say she minds it, then when Elizabeth moves in and the little girl complains, Elizabeth can point out that she won’t be living there with her forever, just long enough to get her to boarding school.

    You see there. Our sister is somewhat, officially engaged, and already the power and prestige of a possibly-impending wedding has energized her with a greater intelligence than Elizabeth has had in 10 or 15 y ears. Be sure to take notes, formerly little sis, for your later use. I would consider putting the notes in a crawl space. Those areas are a lot better for storage than I thought.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your sister’s story made me wonder how it was that I handled Beatrice’s two girls María and Ana when we decided to get married. I was trying to remember it, but I couldn’t. So I asked them and they said this was how it went:

    Beatrice: Girls. Look at what Howard gave me tonight.
    María: How many carats is that?
    Beatrice: María. Don’t be rude. It’s not the size of the ring that counts but the reason for the ring.
    Ana: It means you’re officially engaged and Howard is going to be our new father.
    María: That’s for sure. “It don’t mean a thing, if you ain’t got that ring.”
    Beatrice: You could say that we’re engaged, but no one is going to replace your father in our hearts. He died fighting for the United States in Afghanistan. He is a war hero and we will always remember him. Howard would be your step-father.
    Me: So, is it OK with you girls that your mom and I are getting married someday?
    María: Are you asking for our permission?
    Ana: And what is this “someday”? You’re not going to be one of these couples that are engaged, like forever, are you?
    Me: No. We plan to get married as soon as your mom can get some time off from work. I am really asking you so we can deal with any issues you may have about it right away.
    María: Then why didn’t you just say that?
    Ana: We’re not stupid.
    Me: OK. So, what do you think? How would you feel if I came to live with you forever?
    María: What? You’re not living with us forever. You’re living with mom forever. I have plans for my life.
    Ana: Me too. Why aren’t you asking us something like, “What do you think about me being your stepdad?” That would be more honest.
    Me: OK. What do you think about me being your stepdad?
    Ana: Howard. We already talked about this.
    María: Remember. Mommy and you and us. We had a long talk and we already decided. We’re going to get a new house together where María and I can stay at the same school. You get to take over the cooking from momma, because you are better at it, and you take us to anything we do in the evening when mommy has to work. It was all decided. All you had to do was get the ring and propose. How many carats is that ring?
    Ana: She only wants to know, because when she gets Paul Mayes to propose to her, she is going to ask for more carats than that.
    María: That’s not the only reason. Where’s momma?
    Ana: She went in the other room to call uncle in Toronto and auntie in Guelph. First you get the ring, then you tell everyone. That’s what normal people do.

    And that’s what they told me. You think I would remember a conversation like that, where I was saying things so idiotic.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, meet me @ 2 am b-hind the goat house and i'll show u sum moves.

    mike, i don't have 2 take notes. i m never gonna marry gerald. he can have as many half-pakistani children as he wants, it won't have nething 2 do with me.

    howard, it's pretty scary when there r things like that u have no memory of. i h8 it when that happens!


  • At 5:02 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i will definitely b there. oh, if duncan decidez that he'z gonna meet his secret sum1 there 2, we shud prolly switch locationz.

  • At 10:43 PM, Anonymous Duncan Anderson said…

    Dear Sum1,
    It was rilly gr8 2 hang with u @ the beach last nite. U always make me laff & 4get all my probs. But we both no ur not my Sekrit Sum1.
    Sekrit Sum1, we r running outta time. I have missed u so much. Plz, plz, plz, meet me in my room 2nite when u finish ur shift. Let me show u how much I care abt u. Give me a chance.


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