April's Real Blog

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I heard he's hung like a Tic Tac!

So Liz wrote a lil more abt what happened @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception more than 2 wks ago:

Okay, well, before I tell more about the wedding, I want to respond to your stupid friend Vicki, she says she is surprised I would object to drunk Mason since I am supposedly a big drunk myself at parties, well, you can tell her, there are rules of proper Patterson decorum, missy, and "stinking drunk" is fine for a party in the woods with all your friends where you ride on your best friend's boyfriend's shoulders and provocatively rub your crotch on the back of his head, and then end up waking up naked from the waist-down with your sleeping bag tangled up with your best friend's sleeping bag and you don't quite remember anything that happened after 11 pm, but that is not okay for a wedding, at a wedding, the most that is appropriate is "pleasantly sloshed," whereas Mason was just plain old "dead drunk."

Anyway, I was trying to wake up stupid Mason, my now ex-future husband, when Anthony came over to me and asked, "May I?" and I said, "You may," and I didn't even care what it was he was asking me to do, I hoped it might involve getting the minister to turn this into a surprise double wedding, sitting there with my drunk ex-future husband was making me very depressed about my marital prospects and I was figuring, hey, you know, at least I know Anthony doesn't have a drinking problem, and only likes to (mentally) cheat on his wife with me, and his big fault was just having an ugly mustache which is now gone.

So anyway, we were dancing, and for a second, I thought Dennis North might of put on Anthony's ugly brown accountant suit and new glasses and drawn on some freckles, because Anthony was never that good of a dancer, I used to come home from school dances with broken toes in high school, anyway, Anthony asked if my date would mind, and I said he wouldn't care, and Mason let out a snore to indicate his non-caring-ness, and then to be polite I asked him if his date would mind us dancing, I couldn't remember Miss Piggy's name, anyway, Anthony said he didn't think so.

Then Anthony said he had been wanting to dance with me for a long time, and I decided it was time to turn my Patterson Allure on him full-force, and I asked, "Just dance?" because I knew this was an allusion to sex, and a Patterson Hoo-Hoo is irresistible to men, that's what Mom tells me, anyway, that seemed to do the trick, because Anthony kind of dipped me, and said, "Just...everything," and of course everything includes sex, and I felt Anthony's hard man-thing pushing against my magical hoo-hoo, which suddenly felt kind of wet and squishy, and I knew right then that Anthony's man-thing was meant to go into my magical Patterson hoo-hoo, and that if we weren't careful, we were going to have to get married right there on the dance floor even if Shawna-Marie did not actually want a surprise double wedding, if you know what I mean.

More later.

OMG, Liz, U gave Anthony a boner @ the wedding reception! Was it all teeny-tiny, like ppl have been speculating?

NEway, I'm working @ Lilliput's this month, and then it's off 2 the farm next month. We're having a book sale, in case NE1's looking 4 summer reading!


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  • At 12:35 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Of course I would not know if Anthony's man-thing would be considered large or small or in-between, firstly because I didn't see it, I just felt it, and secondly, because I do not know much of anything about man-things, being the proper young Patterson lady that I am, and you can't prove otherwise.


  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gotcha, liz. ::wink, wink::


  • At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sgt. Royalson here.
    I suppose that I should be honored to be the first to congratulate you, young lady, on your new brother-in-law, the dashing Anthony. Although I have long suspected he is a sex fiend and the perpetrator of countless outrages throughout upper and lower Canada, I have never proved same. And it may be that domesticated life with your spinster sister will do him some good. We can but hope.
    P.S. Don't accept his invitation to go to his basement "workshop."

  • At 5:35 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Hi April,
    I guess Anthony Caine is on his way to becoming your brother in law. He'll have the Milborough accounting world to himself. Last night my parents told me and Charles Wallace that they were going to be moving to Toronto after Charles Wallace finishes Grade 5. We tried to convince them to move to Toronto right now, but they were adamant--next year they're moving, since my mother has been asked to do something more or less medical by the University of Toronto.


    Oh, you wouldn't happen to know exactly where your sister is teaching this fall, would you?

  • At 5:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    zandra, toronto, eh? how cube! so much cooler than mboro! liz sez she's gonna still b teaching @ the glenallen elementary school, same as she did this past school yr. grade 4 again.


    p.s. sgt. royalson, i'm not sure what u have heard, but liz sez she hasn't married anthony (yet?). were u, like, predicting the future?

  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger Zandra Larson said…

    Thanks, April. My brother wanted to make sure for next year. He'll be staying put at King Edward VIII now that he knows where your sister will be.

    Duncan said you guys would be playing at the telethon at the mall--make sure you don't go onstage after Arne.


  • At 11:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie and Brian’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: Howard, sorry it took Jen and me so long to stop by today. I think we had too good a time on Canada Day. How far had we gotten in this wedding the last time we talked?
    Me: Mason had just passed out and was sleeping on the table.
    Jen: Poor Mason. He was out of it and he was so embarrassed when he finally woke up. You know some people actually get drunk and pass out at weddings, but it is usually well into the reception and not when the speeches are being made. I think he blamed it on consuming alcohol while he was taking pain medication from injuring his back having to carry Elizabeth Patterson at the rehearsal the day before. She is not a light girl.
    Alyssa: That’s just nonsense. The whole idea that the man Shawna-Marie would choose to marry has a best friend, who doesn’t know how to take care of himself is idiotic. I think it was a plot. Anthony Caine’s date, Julia, kept trying to encourage him to make his move on Elizabeth Patterson and you know he would never have done it, if Mason was awake and paying attention to Elizabeth Patterson. Mason had to be gotten rid of, and there is only one person at that wedding strong-willed enough to do it, and it certainly wasn’t Liz or Anthony, who have less will than God gave tree sloths.
    Jen: There you go on your conspiracy theories again. Honestly, I don’t know why you bother.
    Alyssa: Well, it just doesn’t make sense. If Anthony Caine wanted to go to the wedding with Elizabeth Patterson, but turned her down in favour of Julia, once she found out about it, she would have cancelled her date with him and made him take Elizabeth instead. The woman was jumping up and down, and giving thumbs-up, and making all sorts of obscene gestures trying to encourage him. It just wasn’t right. Most women, if a man asked them on a date and spent the time moaning over some girl they dated 8 years ago in high school, would have been insulted. They certainly wouldn’t have turned into a grotesque cheerleader, while Anthony danced with Liz.
    Jen: Listen. Some girls are just freaks, but that doesn’t mean they are freaks that drug people’s drinks to knock them unconscious. Can we please talk about something else?
    Alyssa: Oh, alright. Let’s see. Mason was supposed to introduce the dancing of the bride and groom, but he was out of it. So, Elizabeth said she would sit by him to make sure he didn’t roll onto the floor. We were trying to get someone to introduce Shawna-Marie and Brian to do the tradition couple’s dance, when I looked over at the dance floor and there was Elizabeth and Anthony dancing.
    Jen: Oh my God. It was so rude. Not only did she leave poor Mason to fend for himself, but she and Anthony took the first dance. I was in shock.
    Alyssa: I think everyone was in shock. I remember Mama Verano saying she only seen someone that rude one time before, and it was Elly Patterson.
    Jen: Like mother, like daughter, I suppose. What are you going to do?
    Alyssa: Well, you’ll do what Shawna-Marie did, I suppose and give them plenty of space and start your own couple’s dance far away from them and try to ignore them.
    Jen: That and assign someone else to look after poor Mason. When he woke up, he was so happy someone took care of him.
    Alyssa: How happy was he?
    Jen: Very happy, and I am not going to talk about it any more.
    Alyssa: No?
    Jen: Well, let’s just say between Anthony Caine and a drunken Mason, I still ended up at the end of the evening with the best man.
    Alyssa: How good was he?
    Jen: Very good, and I am not going to talk about it any more.
    Alyssa: I think the next majour thing that happened was between Anthony Caine and Elizabeth Patterson on the dance floor. They really stole the evening from Shawna-Marie.
    Me: I think we should stop here. This is as far as April went.
    Jen: OK. Howard. We’ll talk to you tomorrow.
    Alyssa: Yes, except if you could not wear that skin-tight pink spandex, I would appreciate it.

    That was the latest conversation with Alyssa and Jen. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i read ur july monthly letter & i gotta thank once again 4 not mentionin' me. by the way, gerald didn't share ne of his food w/honoria, evn tho she wuz starvin' frum b-ing on that dirt diet. i knew he wudn't. in fact, he kinda left her unconscious & went off 2 do his own thing (so 2 speak).

    wen i went 2 visit her in her house 2 go out, she had been asleep w/her head on a table 4 a long tyme. i cud tell frum the table cloth wrinkles on her face. her mom asked me if i had evah seen her look bettah & u know how i am w/the honesty so i sed, "yes." her mom wuz kinda offended, but then i asked if it wuz ok if took honoria 2 a special person i knew who cud make peeps evn thinner (which wuz the truth, but not the whole truth, eh?) neway, i took her 2c dr. mccaulay & he kinda fixed the whole sitch w/her rents, so she's not gonna die of starvation & stuff.

    the funny part 'bout it is that honoria & her rents r mad @me now.

  • At 12:17 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, I am not sure I really want to share this next part, because it is private, but you are going to find out anyway, because I understand Anthony told Gordon and Tracey, who will tell the whole town, anyway, we danced all night until it was time to form the Traditional Wedding Conga Line, and the next thing I knew, Anthony and I were running out of the tent and out into the night, I wasn't sure why we were running, but I was hoping we were running to some late-night wedding chapel, I am 26 now, and that is old, I need a husband before my eggs all dry up.

    But, when I asked Anthony where we were going, he said somewhere we could talk, but then he took me to the lake, and I was about to say that we would not be able to talk underwater, when all of a sudden, Anthony grabbed me and kissed me, and it was so exciting that I felt my entire body begin to swell with lust, mainly my ass, which I could feel was taking on that unfortunate shape it sometimes gets, like it is a giant sack of pudding, fortunately though, Anthony kisses with his eyes squeezed shut.

    More later.



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