April's Real Blog

Monday, July 02, 2007

Mason Proves Himself Unsuitable

Liz decided 2 fill in sum more deets abt what happed on Shawna-Marie's wedding day, back on the weekend B4 my lunch w/Shannon and her friends. So she posted this:

I will now talk about the rest of what happened at the wedding, at the reception, there were all the usual boring toasts and speeches, there were a lot of them, and I have to say, they were really really bad. The best man went on and on about Shawna-Marie's beauty even though it was plain to see that Shawna-Marie looked very very manly and unattractive that day, then someone wished them to have "lots" of kids which was totally stupid because everyone knows Shawna-Marie is one of those crazy people who says if she ever decides to have kids she will have only one, and then Shawna-Marie's dad got up and started bawling and calling her "my little girl," well, by then it was obvious what the problem was, everyone in the room was incredibly drunk.

Well, then it was time for my knight in shining armor, my presumed future husband Mason to say the last speech and get the dance going, but he didn't, he just sat there, so I reminded him, except for some stupid reason, I called him "master of ceremonies" and not "best man," it was then that I realized that I was in fact also kind of drunk, but not as drunk as I realized Mason was, he had his hand over his mouth like he was gonna barf, but then he did a faceplant on the table, and started to snore, and I saw that his nose was huge, and though I knew that the nose plus snoring was a good sign he would be my future husband, but I was not so interested anymore, now that I learned he does not know the appropriate level of drunkenness for a member of the wedding party, which is "tipsy," not "unconscious," this was a very disappointing development, but it did occur to me that this might be the perfect opportunity for someone else to save the day, some one quiet and unassuming, an ordinary guy, a guy who you would never think would be great at anything exciting, a guy who doesn't drink because the Association of North American Accountants recommends against it, you know, someone like that, I'm thinking of a type, not a specific person or anything.

More later, Liz

Hmm, yeah. I know there R just DOZENZ of guys U know who R, like, this "type," eh?


P.S. Happy Canada Day, yo! :)

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  • At 12:59 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    April, I'm finally back from Yellowknife, where I was spending some time with my [adoptive] mom Maggie O'Connell Mahaha, who was doing pilot work up there. Warren was there, too, sort of trying to secure me as a "back up" girlfriend. This was surprising since we'd broken our engagement over his hooking up with your sister Liz after the Mtigwaki fiasco.

    Anyway, as you might remember, I was hired to do hair for Shawna-Marie's wedding. One thing I want to mention is that I did NOT do that awful sideways updo to Alyssa. It was a nice, normal updo to the back when I was finished with it, but Alyssa insisted on tinkering with it herself afterwards. And I believe you've seen the unfortunate results in the pictures.

    I read your entry this morning, with Liz's message about the reception, and this reminded me of a curious thing I noticed about Mason. When I did his hair, it was a sort of sandy colour. But right after I did it, it seemed as if he might have put black shoe polish in it, for some unknown reason. And not only that, but his appearance kept changing throughout the day, so it was hard to tell he was even the same person. If I'd been drinking, I might have blamed the alcohol, but I was completely clean and dry that day, so there was clearly something else going on. Weird.


  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Hiya, sis! Those were sum cool igloo pix that you took w/yr cell fone camera. Yikes...I cracked a pun w/o meaning 2. So sorry. Neway, Gordie wants 2 know how the sk8boarding conditions are up there. I'll keep my fingers crossed 4 a sk8 tour up north...lol.

    I totally agree w/Marjee, Mason looks diff n every pic on yr family's web site, Apes. Why'd he stop looking like such a pretty boy? I also think it's kinda weird 4 Liz 2 be all "OMG, he's drinking!" when she's got those pics of herself all hungover on her camping trip n August of 2005 & the day after New Years Day 2006. My mom sez I won't hafta worry about hangovers & the DTs if I just smoke those herbal cigarettes she likes. There's no tobacco n them, but they do smell funny.


  • At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Hey, Vicks! Glad you liked those pics I e-mailed you. I don't know about the skateboarding conditions in Yellowknife, because I swear those pilots were constantly talking my ears off with all their gossip. There was no way to find out anything not related to whatever melodramas they have going on in their lives!


  • At 2:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, i dunno y mason changed like that. but i guess it's similar 2 the shape shifting that george stibbs an' melville kelpfroth r known 4.

    btw, i m @ a cookout @ eva's house, w/ger, dunc, and luis, 4 canada day. eva sez u r welcome 2 join us! this is prolly the last chance we have 2 c dunc b4 he leaves 4 barbados!


  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    That also happened 2 Jeremy. Altho maybe he had a growth spurt since I last saw him.

    Cube, Apes! Can me & Gordie pick up nething? I'll tell him 2 leave his sk8board @ home. I'll wear this top that I bought w/the UO gift card you gave me 4 my b-day, thanx again!


  • At 3:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, hey, vicks, i can c u an' gordie coming down the sidewalk. i'm glad u got my txt that eva doesn't need u 2 bring nething. the top looks v. cute!


  • At 4:41 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    I totally dig those shoes u got from Bluefly, Apes! U get 2 b so stylish when the wicked witch of Corbeil isn't dictating yr wardrobe.

    Man, Eva's place is the bomb! I'm lovin the inground pool, but it'll b a cold day n hell b4 ne1 sees me n a swimsuit. It's been nice 2 dip my feet @ the shallow end, tho.

    Whoa...how did Ted Bartlesnoff get an nvite here? His spiking the punch @ my end-of-summer bash was the whole reason the police were summoned 2 my house. Foob.


  • At 5:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, i'm pretty sure ted crashed the party. i can ask eva 2 get her dad 2 kick him out, think i shd?

    yeah, i can dress much better during the times when i'm not writing abt myself in my blog entries!


  • At 8:07 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie and Brian’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: Howard, I am a little surprised you are still interested in this subject after we stopped talking to you about it 2 weeks ago. Your bride-to-be seemed a little snippy to see us again. I guess she’s out of school, isn’t she? Maybe those exams were making her mad, but she looked kind of like a girl who had her boyfriend stolen from her by a Patterson. Let’s see, how far had we gotten in this wedding the last time we talked?
    Me: In the middle of wedding pictures, which were being taken outdoors.
    Jen: Oh, that’s right. We were taking pictures under the tent in front of the flowered and ribboned up arch where the wedding ceremony took place. Brian was taking the garter off Shawna-Marie’s leg for the cameraman.
    Alyssa: And Anthony Caine’s date, Julia, kept trying to encourage him to make his move on Elizabeth Patterson, which of course, he didn’t do; but it was fun to watch him try to not try. Or not try to try. You know Anthony.
    Jen: I don’t know why the photographer insisted on getting pictures of the garter just then, because you know in most weddings the throwing of the garter is done close to the same time as the throwing of the bouquet.
    Alyssa: I think he just wanted to see Shawna-Marie’s legs. What happened next? After all the picture-taking, we had to go to the reception. It was indoors, even though the wedding was outdoors. I don’t know why they didn’t cater the wedding in the giant circus tent with all the space that was already there.
    Jen: Listen to you, Miss Critical. You have to have an alternative place for the wedding if it rains, so you set up the reception inside.
    Alyssa: That’s what the tent was for.
    Jen: When you have your wedding, you can do it all in one place. Shawna-Marie had a nice setup with a long head table right in front of a curtain where a heart was mounted saying “Brian & Shawna-Marie”. I was glad there sign was there, because I think most of the people didn’t know what Brian’s name was, but they could tell from the lack of black people at the wedding, someone’s family does not exactly approve of the wedding.
    Alyssa: You don’t know that.
    Jen: When the only black people are the bride, groom, and the bride’s parents; I sure do.
    Alyssa: I’m sure they were there somewhere. You just didn’t see them.
    Jen: I saw plenty. I saw Shawna-Marie making out with that old white guy in the receiving line after the wedding, and you know the rules about “stick to your own kind” in Milborough.
    Alyssa: You’re not going into that theory that Brian is a groom to Shawna-Marie in name only, eh, and she’s really with the old guy? That’s just a vile rumour. Talk about something else.
    Jen: Oh, all right. Now the head table was decorated with flowers and ribbons which matched the colour of the flowers in the bridesmaids’ dresses. It was really quite lovely.
    Alyssa: Lovely except some idiot planted the wedding cake just to the side of the bride at the head table, instead of putting the cake where the rest of the food was being served.
    Jen: It was such a tiny cake, I’m sure no one noticed.
    Alyssa: It was even tinier after they served it. That cake went fast.
    Jen: Howard, I know you will never invite Elizabeth Patterson to your wedding, but Shawna-Marie did and she simply did not have enough cake for Elizabeth Patterson and the rest of the people at the wedding.
    Alyssa: It wouldn’t have been so bad, except for the awful dinner at the reception didn’t fill everyone up.
    Jen: You mean the dinner where the only one who gets a plate is the bride?
    Alyssa: That was really strange. Only cake and wine for everyone, but Shawna-Marie gets a plate. What was up with that?
    Jen: It was some battle between Shawna-Marie and her mom. It had to be.
    Alyssa: Did you ever figure out why the only members of the wedding party at the head table were men, except for Shawna-Marie?
    Jen: That was weird. I figured as bridesmaids, we would be sitting there. It was a long table, but it was only groomsmen and other guys. Well, I guess there was Elizabeth Patterson standing on the side of the table like some kind of faithful dog. Unlike us and Dawn Enjo, she didn’t seem to have the good sense to understand that all-male thing.
    Alyssa: I didn’t understand it either, but at least I had the good sense not to stand next to the table, while all the men were making speeches.
    Jen: Shawna-Marie’s mother looked so mad when Shawna-Marie’s dad did his speech and she didn’t get to say anything as a parent of the bride.
    Alyssa: Too bad. Her speech would have been fun. Horrible fun. That’s probably the reason for all men. Women must be silent, so Momma doesn’t get to talk.
    Jen: I think Dawn was a little mad she didn’t get to do her Maid of Honour speech for Shawna-Marie.
    Alyssa: I guess so. But what was she going to say? After all she has only known Shawna-Marie since elementary school.
    Jen: At least she would have been better than the guy they tapped to do the best man speech instead of Mason.
    Alyssa: Oh my God! He was so horrible. We were “tink”-ing the glasses to get Shawna-Marie and Brian to kiss just to try to get him to shut up. {Imitation} You married a beautiful girl, man! You need to have lots of kids with her, man! She’s hott, man! I would do her, man! If I could find a girl as beautiful as Shawna-Marie, I’d make sure she was knocked up, man!”
    Jen: And Mason! What happened to him?
    Alyssa: I thought teetotaler Mason would be perfect for functioning alcoholic Elizabeth Patterson, but somehow she got some wine into him and that’s all it took. He passed completely out.
    Jen: Elizabeth could hold her liquor though. The only reason I knew she was tipsy, was she kept on referring to Mason as the Master of Ceremonies. That was funny. Like Mason could have been the Master of Ceremonies when he was falling asleep drunk.
    Alyssa: I guess “best man” wasn’t good enough for her and she had to give him a more exciting title. It doesn’t mean she was drunk.
    Jen: Did you smell her breath?
    Alyssa: Her breath always smells like that. That’s why she’s called Lizard breath.
    Jen: They should have called her drunken Lizard breath.
    Alyssa: Well, when Mason passed out, Liz was over there poking at him to make sure he was really unconscious and then you-know-who decided that was going to be his time to act.
    Me: I think we should stop here. This is as far as April went.
    Jen: OK. Howard. We’ll talk to you tomorrow.
    Alyssa: Yes, except if you could not wear that see-through dress tomorrow, I would appreciate it.

    That was the latest conversation with Alyssa and Jen. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 8:28 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the koolhaus is kinda closed 4 canada day, but i gotta i hope ur havin’ a good tyme @eva’z place 4 canada day. i wunted 2 go 2 the toronto ribfest @centennial park in etobicoke; but honoria took me 2 the mboro country club canada day stuff nstead. ever since she’z been on that dirt diet, she has been gettin’ thinner & weaker. she spent mosta the tyme sleepin’ & makin’ a “snozzz” sound. i’m not sure wut 2 do, cuz her mom is like, rilly proud honoria iz able 2 fit in a size 0 now, & 4 sum reasn her mom just thinks she’s drunk cuz she passed out in fronta a ½-full wine glass and almost mt wine bottle. u know there’s lotsa reasons peeps pass out & not just drinkin’ wine, like 4 eatin’ only dirt. honoria duzn’t look like her regular self 2 me, like her nose is puffy & stuff. i think i mite hafta kidnap her & force her 2 eat.

  • At 8:33 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Let this be a lesson for you. If you go out with a man who is interested in you, but he is not your childhood sweetheart, chances are he is a stinking drunk.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 the upd8, howard! say, the c-thru dress, was that the designer gown u txted me abt, the one that the newlyfoobs producers told u 2 wear?


  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, i will hafta ask ger 2 share his secret stash of food w/his sis. this dirt diet is gonna kill her otherwise!


  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Yes, the “designer” gown the Newlyfoobs producers told me to wear. They are trying to up the flesh content of the show to appeal to Becky’s audience, which is mainly teenaged girls and gays. I am covered up, but nearly naked. Alyssa found it a little distracting. Not to worry though. With the Newlyfoobs filming, I have been working out even more than usual. There are a couple of cute guys working the production, and I have to keep my hands off them, or I will appear disloyal to Becky.

    There’s nothing like lifting weights to remove tension. And I have found there are no rules against cooking things for the cute production guys. As you know, April. The way to a man’s heart and other body parts, is through his stomach. Now that I think about that, with your family, you may not know that.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:56 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, thanx 4 askin’ gerald 2 share his secret stash of food, but i dunno if it will work. honoria is rilly n2 the dirt diet, cuz u know, her mom iz like, sayin’ a lotta nice thingz ‘bout honoria’s thinness & stuff. i dunno if gerald offered that honoria wud take ne food frum him. also, u mite think gerald is all of a sudden a gr8 guy cuz u realized he’z playin’ a charity gig w/rebecca 4 special needs kids, but i think u musta 4got gerald iz gettin’ paid 4 that gig & u mita 4gotten he’z nevah xxactly apologized 4 lettin’ peeps think ur a slut & all that stuff he sed he’z done w/rebecca. wut i am sayin’ is i dunno if gerald such a nice guy he wud share his secret stash of food, if all there iz 2 eat iz dirt @his house.

  • At 12:20 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Okay, well, before I tell more about the wedding, I want to respond to your stupid friend Vicki, she says she is surprised I would object to drunk Mason since I am supposedly a big drunk myself at parties, well, you can tell her, there are rules of proper Patterson decorum, missy, and "stinking drunk" is fine for a party in the woods with all your friends where you ride on your best friend's boyfriend's shoulders and provocatively rub your crotch on the back of his head, and then end up waking up naked from the waist-down with your sleeping bag tangled up with your best friend's sleeping bag and you don't quite remember anything that happened after 11 pm, but that is not okay for a wedding, at a wedding, the most that is appropriate is "pleasantly sloshed," whereas Mason was just plain old "dead drunk."

    Anyway, I was trying to wake up stupid Mason, my now ex-future husband, when Anthony came over to me and asked, "May I?" and I said, "You may," and I didn't even care what it was he was asking me to do, I hoped it might involve getting the minister to turn this into a surprise double wedding, sitting there with my drunk ex-future husband was making me very depressed about my marital prospects and I was figuring, hey, you know, at least I know Anthony doesn't have a drinking problem, and only likes to (mentally) cheat on his wife with me, and his big fault was just having an ugly mustache which is now gone.

    So anyway, we were dancing, and for a second, I thought Dennis North might of put on Anthony's ugly brown accountant suit and new glasses and drawn on some freckles, because Anthony was never that good of a dancer, I used to come home from school dances with broken toes in high school, anyway, Anthony asked if my date would mind, and I said he wouldn't care, and Mason let out a snore to indicate his non-caring-ness, and then to be polite I asked him if his date would mind us dancing, I couldn't remember Miss Piggy's name, anyway, Anthony said he didn't think so.

    Then Anthony said he had been wanting to dance with me for a long time, and I decided it was time to turn my Patterson Allure on him full-force, and I asked, "Just dance?" because I knew this was an allusion to sex, and a Patterson Hoo-Hoo is irresisitble to men, that's what Mom tells me, anyway, that seemed to do the trick, because Anthony kind of dipped me, and said, "Just...everything," and of course everything includes sex, and I felt Anthony's hard man-thing pushing against my magical hoo-hoo, which suddenly felt kind of wet and squishy, and I knew right then that Anthony's man-thing was meant to go into my magical Patterson hoo-hoo, and that if we weren't careful, we were going to have to get married right there on the dance floor even if Shawna-Marie did not actually want a surprise double wedding, if you know what I mean.

    More later.



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