April's Real Blog

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

[Not] Talking

Liz wrote another message abt her time @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception, more than 2.5 wks ago:

Well, I am not sure I really want to share this next part, because it is private, but you are going to find out anyway, because I understand Anthony told Gordon and Tracey, who will tell the whole town, anyway, we danced all night until it was time to form the Traditional Wedding Conga Line, and the next thing I knew, Anthony and I were running out of the tent and out into the night, I wasn't sure why we were running, but I was hoping we were running to some late-night wedding chapel, I am 26 now, and that is old, I need a husband before my eggs all dry up.

But, when I asked Anthony where we were going, he said somewhere we could talk, but then he took me to the lake, and I was about to say that we would not be able to talk underwater, when all of a sudden, Anthony grabbed me and kissed me, and it was so exciting that I felt my entire body begin to swell with lust, mainly my ass, which I could feel was taking on that unfortunate shape it sometimes gets, like it is a giant sack of pudding, fortunately though, Anthony kisses with his eyes squeezed shut.

More later.

U R rite abt Gordo an' Tracey tellin' peeps, Liz. Tracey was in Lilliput's, shopping 4 sum summer reading 4 Paul an' Rosemary, and she cdn't stop gabbing abt how xxcited she is that U an' Anthony cd B getting 2gether again. Only 5.5 yrs after she, Mike, and Gordo plotted 2 reunite U 2.

Jeremy, U did the rite thing w/helping Honoria, even if she an' her 'rents R mad. I M sure she'll come around when she realized U saved her from being starved 2 death by Mrs. F.

Howard, thanx 1ce again 4 the Jen/Alyssa perspective on the wedding reception.


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  • At 5:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids had their usual perspective on things at Shawna-Marie and Brian’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it.

    Alyssa: Howard, are you finally ready for the real dirt on Anthony and Elizabeth at the wedding?
    Me: I don’t know. I think we stopped yesterday with Anthony and Elizabeth dancing.
    Alyssa: That part was certainly dull. The music was pop dance songs mostly that Shawna-Marie likes, but Anthony and Elizabeth were doing that ballroom dance stuff as if Mama Verano had picked the music and all they were doing was Strauss waltzes led by a string quartet.
    Jen: And it wasn’t even good ballroom dancing. They were so stiff and awkward; I was tempted to go over to them and slap them and tell them to loosen up. They were dancing like they were at some dance set up between 12-year-olds at a country club where none of them wanted to dance or had ever danced before.
    Alyssa: That’s a pretty good description. I know people used to talk about Liz being a good dancer when she was at Gordon Mayes’ New Years Eve party in 2004 with Dennis North, but it was pretty obvious that Dennis was making her look good.
    Jen: There you go. Now this had to be a shock to Anthony, if he thought he would prefer to be with his “good dancer” ex-girlfriend, instead of his “bad dancer” wife. I don’t think he was really shocked though, since his style of dancing seemed to mainly consist of wrapping his arm around Elizabeth and pulling her crotch as close to him as possible.
    Alyssa: In Elizabeth’s defence, she seemed to be pulling back from him the whole time. Well, then our substitute “best man” got up and announced a conga line and the party was really fun after that.
    Me: How do you mean “fun”?
    Jen: Everyone loosened up and had a good time. Maybe it was because the “ballroom dancers” left right then, or maybe it was because it got everyone in the room dancing, even Mama Verano. I don’t know, but there were a few people who were saying, “Thank God the corpses left the room.”
    Alyssa: Corpses. That’s a good one. All I heard was when they were running off, someone said something about they didn’t know trees could run so well. The main thing was that Shawna-Marie had a good time, and she didn’t seem to be insulted at all that one of her bridesmaids decided not to stay to celebrate her wedding with her. I would have been a little insulted, but this is Liz Patterson we are talking about after all. Everything is about her, even when it’s someone else’s wedding.
    Jen: True. True. The bridesmaid is obligated to dance with each of the groomsmen and the groom, and did she do that? Of course not. Did she socialize or talk to anyone? Of course not. She didn’t even visit with Shawna-Marie, or Dawn Enjo, or her friend Candace that I could see. Oh my God. She is so rude. She is definitely not invited to my wedding.
    Alyssa: Well, Pattersons are known for their rudeness. The best part is when they came back. There was messed-up hair and lipstick not on lips, and everyone knew what they had been doing.
    Jen: Well, they hadn’t gone all the way, because you know, it was pretty obvious from Anthony that certain pressures had not been relieved.
    Alyssa: Right. That’s so funny. I was like, “Cover yourself with your jacket, idiot. Nobody wants to see ‘little Anthony’ trying to claw his way out of your cheap brown suit pants.”
    Jen: Then you know what happened after that? It was even worse.
    Me: I think we should stop here. This is as far as April went.
    Jen: Oh, Howard. Just when it’s getting good. We’ll talk to you tomorrow.
    Alyssa: Yes, except if you could not wear that red-white-and-blue, stars-and-stripes USA speedo, I would appreciate it.

    That was the latest conversation with Alyssa and Jen. More tomorrow.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I see you have finally registered in your mental faculties the good news that most of us heard some time ago about the outcome of the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding, where Elizabeth and Anthony are finally together after wasting the last 8 years with non-childhood sweethearts. Like the Lizardbreath wrote about her drying eggs, mom also hopes that Elizabeth will be able to produce more grandchildren, so she will have an excuse for grandmotherly affection in the presence of Elizabeth, instead of having to put on a show of affection for the Quebecoise child Elizabeth will be inheriting.

    Those of us who were keeping informed of the wedding activities as they were going on, were quite relieved that the “best man” conveniently became unable to give Elizabeth the attention she needs. Drugs and alcohol do not mix, I mean, assuming that was what the “best man” had been taking, not that it was.

    We were also quite relieved someone was there at the wedding forceful enough to push Anthony into asking the Lizardbreath to dance. Considering how her breath is so lizardly these days, there was no question that no other man would ask her to dance; but as I understand it, Dad’s favourite dental patient, Julia, had to threaten Anthony with physical violence to get him to make that move. There are those who would say, “Ask her to dance or I will murder you where you stand” is a little strong a threat, but those people have not had to endure 8 years of this nonsense like you and I and the rest of our family have. All I can say, it’s a good thing the man has almost no sense of smell and believes a short, fat woman with a cake knife is capable of murder.

    At least Elizabeth is finally with the man with whom she was destined to be, and she can finally enjoy the kind of happiness that I have with my wife, the lovely Deanna and our two children. Now, we just have to deal with Warren Blackwood, when he decides to come back to Milborough. I am sure that will be great fun. I wonder if he responds to threats, or if he, like so many before him, has realized that there is a woman far better for him than Elizabeth. As you know, “Far better or far worse”, he’s not going to marry Elizabeth.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 5:54 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, good news ‘bout me & honoria. i wuz playin’ a gig w/sum folkz frum the st8s, who r celeb8in’ their country’s independence day 2day, evn tho live in canada now. u wud figger canada wud b enuff 4 them, but u know how sum peeps r.

    honoria, came up 2 where i wuz workin’ the tunez & she sed 2 me, “jeremy-flower. all is 4given. can we go somewhere private 2 talk?” i sed, “uh, no, cuz i am workin’, & it wud b rude, not 2 mention unprofessional, just 2 walk out on a party.” i thot honoria wuz gonna b mad, but the peeps throwin’ the party came ovah & asked who she wuz & invited her 2 join the partee. we’ve been havin’ a gr8 tyme. honoria did the conga & a whole lotta thoze group line dances & stuff. i xxpect honoria wunted 2 go off sum place & kiss or diddle, but u know u can always do that stuff l8er. she seems 2b in a lot bettah mood, wen she’z not just eatin’ dirt.

  • At 6:02 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It’s so good not to have to not write you as a show of support for my brother. I am having a great time with Jeremy right now, and I hope the fact that you are supposed to hate him in public for making fun of special needs kids will not break us apart. After all, I hope that someday, when you follow the same path as your sister with her boyfriend / fiancé, Mr. Caine and get ready to marry my brother, we will be as close as real sisters.

    Jeremy says I should thank you for not mentioning me in your monthly letter, which I do. Your monthly letter did not mention your reconciliation with my brother Gerald at all, which I did find confusing. I certainly think it is a noteworthy event. Jeremy tells me that sometimes you write your letters way in advance and perhaps the two of you had not yet reconciled when you wrote it. Jeremy said the witch of Corbeil may have thrown that reconciliation at you unexpectedly, but I don’t think that could be it. After all, everyone says that with Mr. Caine and your sister together, there is a clear proof that you will end up with my brother and no other.

    I think we should spend some more time together. I see you are participating in a community youth theatre this summer. Do you think I should volunteer Jeremy to help out?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, thanx 4 fillin' in the deets from alyssa an' jen. wow, those girls sure do like 2 harsh on yr clothes, eh?

    mike, it's not my fault no1 told me abt what happed @ the wedding till now.

    jeremy, it's cube that honoria had fun and didn't end up needing 2 b rude. that wda been much 2 similar 2 liz an' anthony!

    honoria, jeremy soundz like he's pretty bizzy w/his dj stuff, so it mite not b the best idea 2 volunteer him 4 nething else. but if u r interested, i'm sure the theatre cd use yr help. we just started building the set an' scenery 4 the community theatre's production of david mamet's sexual perversity in chicago.

    oh, an i didn't mention making up w/ger cuz i got a memo from corbeil telling me what subjects 2 write abt. and @ the bottom of the memo was "and NOT gerald!" weird, eh?


  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, Apes.

    I had my suitcase packed last nite 4 r flite 2morrow 2 Barbados & went 2 bed. My 'rents got me up @ midnite & said pack evrything. Sumthing abt Mboro b-ing a hellmouth. We filled up container aft container they wont even get 2 Barbados til Aug so I think we r not coming back again evah. My mom even went aftah those st00pid cats shes got Falstaff but Faustus got away from her.

    So Apes, I left u my house key its in Eddys digestive track sorry abt that it was an accident if u want 2 partee @ r house this summer. Dont worry abt nething cos u will c theres nuthing left 2 worry abt.

    C u mayb sumday.

    Yr best bud 4evah,

  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    My darling Shiimsa,

    Tomorrow is my last day in Milborough. I am leaving for a sugar cane farm in Barbados, although I believe from listening to the toopids talk that there will also be a lengthy and very pleasurable stay on a goat farm.

    I am begging you to share my cat carrier and embark on a new life in Barbados with me. Please say you will. I do not think I am returning. Surely you have felt, as I have felt, the tremours beneath the earth as we have scoured the garbage cans of Milborough for delicacies. This world cannot continue to exist, as well you know. Please join me on our journey towards a new and fulfilling life. The cat carrier will be open until the toopids lock it up. It should be 5:00 am, but they are so drunk tonight that I think you can reasonably wait until 6:00 am.

    Whatever your decision, know that I will love you always.


  • At 1:10 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Well, when I left you with my last post I was telling you how Anthony and I were kissing by a lake near the tent where someone or other was having some kind of important party, I forget, what was important was, I knew this meant I am going to get a husband very soon, whew, I know Mom says the Good Witch always provides but I was really starting to doubt it, what with being 27 oops I mean 26 and not having a husband, that is a close shave with spinsterhood, which is funny because spinsters don't shave their legs at all, that's what Mom told me.

    Anyway, when we finally stopped kissing, I was sure Anthony was finally going to propose, but instead he just hugged me and said he missed me, so I hugged him and said I missed him too, but tears were welling up in my eyes, tears of disappointment, I was thinking, "Dag gum it, when am I going to get my fracking proposal already?!?", and then Anthony released me and we looked into each other's eyes, and I thought, "This is it!" but it wasn't, Anthony just made some stupid speech about how we had fallen in love and broken up with other people, and I was thinking, "Sheesh, thanks for bringing that up, jerkface," and then he asked me--ASKED ME--if I didn't think maybe we could possibly consider forming a committee of disinterested parties to ponder the question of whether it might be prudent at this juncture for me and Anthony to try falling in love again, or something like that, I forget, it was so wishy-washy I hope to erase those lukewarm words out of my brain forever, but I do remember that the words "could we give it one more chance?" were used.

    Well, though I was extremely and totally disappointed not to be getting a proposal I did what any brave and proper Patterson woman would do, you would be proud of me, I gave an answer that included 1) wordplay and 2) refusal to reveal feelings, I played it cool, almost like I totally didn't care one way or another, and I said, "Chances are, we could," when I came home and told Mom, she high-fived me.

    More later.



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