Dog Days of Mom
Yesterday evening, Mom shook her hed and was all, "April, U know what I was just thinking?" And I was like, "That if U put a bunch of farm animals on a ship, and the ship hit rough waters, all the animals except the bulls would fall over, and then the farmer wd ask the bulls how they kept their balance, and one of the bulls wd xxplain, 'We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down'?" Mom laffed w/her tung sticking out, and she sed, "No, but I luv that!" I sed, "Yeah, I figured." Then she sed, "I was just thinking 'The DOG days of summer.' B-cuz all day long, Edgar and Dixie have been whining 2 get out. Then when they get 2 hot and thirsty, they come in 2 drink sum water, and almost rite after, they want out again! I'm so sick of opening and closing that door!" I asked, "Y not just put a water supply outside 4 them, so they don't hafta come in 2 drink?" Mom sed, "That wd attract mosquitoes, and we'd all get malaria! Don't they teach U NEthing @ that school?" And I sed, "In that case, Y'd U never get Mike 2 drain the kiddie pool @ the old house? That's a much bigger mosquito magnet than a couple of doggie bowls wd B!" And Mom was all, "Well, that's MICHAEL!" As if mosquitoes have special respect for his belongings. ::rolleyes::
Apes
Apes
Labels: boring, Mom, pets, stoopidity, Sundays
posted by April Patterson @ 8:15 AM
4 Comments:
At 9:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
I feel bad for Edgar and that rat-looking dog, Dixie. My human, Charlie Brown, always brings food and water out to my doghouse for me. Charlie Brown is a good human.
At 6:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Our mother may have told you the reason she doesn’t put a water supply outside for the dogs is because of mosquitoes and malaria, but as you so cleverly pointed out with your kiddie pool example, it is not mom’s real reason. The real reason for the indoor water for the dogs has to do with what happened last year with Edgar and his outdoor water supply, when he decided to “take a nap” on the sprinkler. Dad was perturbed that the lawn didn’t get watered, but mom was more perturbed when she received complaints from the neighbours and random passersby about Edgar’s somewhat amourous napping with the sprinkler over his private doggy parts in public. Mom did not want a recurrence of that situation and so the dogs get their water inside from now on. Mom will gladly trade a little inconvenient door opening and closing for that kind of public embarrassment any day.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am back frum my rogues retreat 4 a few days @least b4 i have 2 go 2 a crooks’ convention in a few days. normally, i wud kinda b sad not 2 read ur stuff 4 awhile, but aftah readin’ wut u put in ‘bout movin’, mothballs, puns ‘bout sweatin’, & dogs goin’ in & outa doors all day long; i can c i didn’t rilly miss 2 much.
u mite find it innerestin’ 2 know that 1 of my classes @the rogues’ retreat wuz taught by none othah than the guy who usedta own ur house, george stibbs. the class wuz called, “friendly rodents or weapons of revenge?”. it wuz a whole thing ‘bout how squirrels or electrified rodents can b both cuddly, while servin’ the purpose of revenge w/o givin’ peeps a clue who wuz seekin’ revenge. he talked ‘bout how wen ur dad started harrassin’ him in his house, how his wife wuz alive @the beginnin’ wen ur dad started talkin’ ‘bout the house in his september, 2005 monthly letter, & how the harassment led 2 her early death.
then he sed how if u wanna get revenge against sum1 who is well-protected like ur fam iz, by the good witch of corbeil, it is difficult unless u find their weakness. &1 of the weaknesses 4 ur dad iz believin’ ne1 tellin’ a story ‘bout havin’ a career in trains, like he did wen he told ur dad u wuz a retired railroad maintenance guy, like he did in ur dad’s october, 2006 monthly letter. ur dad didn’t pay ne attention 2 thingz like how george wuz talkin’ ‘bout stuff he nevah coulda been old enuff 2 have known ‘bout. but ‘cuz he wuz involved in railroads, ur dad believed everythin’ he sed, kinda like the hold kortney krelbutz had ovah ur mom, back wen she wuz workin’ 4 her & kinda like the hold gerald haz ovah u (but thass a different story).
neway, breedin’ squirrels in the attic is 1 way. carpenter ants iz anothah, not 2 mention broken sump pumps & fridge compressors & suddenly breakin’ birchtrees r just a few things george haz left u cuz he wunts revenge 4 his wife. i made a list 4u of everythin’ george sed in his class. i know ur suppozed 2 h8 me these days, but u know i rilly don’t want u2 get hurt cuz of sumthin’ ur st00pid dad did.
i’ll drop the list off on the way 2 pick up honoria. there wuz a whole class on proper diddling durin’ my week & honoria iz rilly anxious 4 me 2 show her my new techniques.
At 1:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. My lovely Deanna did not waste a moment starting to make changes to the house as soon as you and our parents left our house. She sent the children out to play in the ravine, and immediately got to work pulling wallpaper off the wall. I could tell she was prepared for a big effort, because she had a bucket to deal with old wallpaper paste, and a scraper, and a little rug to put her knees on. Of course, I know she should have layered the floor with drop cloths all the way to the wall to catch any little bits of wall paper which might fall down, but we had one of those minor home renovation miracles, which seem to occur all the time for us Pattersons (just ask dad how lucky he was the guy who repaired your roof knew how to handle squirrels). Deanna was able to simply the pull the wall paper off the wall with no mess, no wallpaper removal solution, and no scraping. It was quite impressive. I would have thought we would have needed a wallpaper knife, a perforating tool or wallpaper scratcher, wallpaper removal solution, drop cloths, a solution sprayer, in addition to the bucket Deanna had; but such was not the case. It’s good to be a Patterson.
As she was performing this minor miracle, she regaled me with the question, “Do you think your mom will mind if we remove her wallpaper?” My thought was, “Of course she will mind. You are talking about the woman who shaves her sheets. She will wring her hands and weep over every change we make.” However, I decided to duck that question by saying, “It’s our house now, Dee! We can do anything we want to do: paint, varnish, paper, carpet, tile…” I had hoped by my making this list; it would encourage my lovely Deanna to limit her home renovation desires to those things. Alas, such was not the case.
After I demonstrated my superior skill at scrunching up old wallpaper in my hands and putting it in a box, Deanna picked up her bucket and said, “I know. I’m just sensitive about her feelings. Your parents lived here for a long time.” I could tell what Deanna meant. What she really meant was that she did not want to have to deal with mom screaming at the top of her lungs about her old wallpaper. However, nothing could prepare me for the surprise with which Deanna let loose next. She said, “Do you think she would mind if we redesigned the kitchen?” I was shocked. We had never discussed it before and kitchen redesign was not on my list. When we entered the kitchen, I could see from the wine bottle and wine glass sitting there, my lovely Deanna was speaking with the courage that only comes from the consumption of wine chosen for its girly colour of pink.
I was thinking, “Are you crazy? Mom started shrieking when April (you) suggested she change the drapes in the kitchen. There is no way she would allow a whole kitchen redesign!” However, I showed great restraint and simply said, “You want to change the kitchen? But…(thinking very quickly I said) I’ve always liked it the way it is!” This way I put the blame for not wanting the kitchen changed on me, and not on mom. At least that gave me a chance to talk Deanna out of it before she brings the wrath of mom on us. I know how your readers love cliff-hanging suspense, so I will refrain from telling you more about this thrill-packed, home renovation, adventure story until tomorrow.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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