April's Real Blog

Thursday, July 12, 2007


So after Mom hugged me the other day, she went outside w/the dogs 2 check on the contractors who'd been doing the repairs on the roof. 1 guy was up on a ladder an' the other was, like, holding the ladder, as the guy up top was all, "Just getting the last coat dun, Mrs. P. --Good thing that tree fell on this place--yr attic was full of squirrels!" Then he climbed down 2 say, "When we opened her up, we found quite a nest of 'em. The mothballs we threw in shd keep 'em from coming back." [Memo 2 contractor guy: an attic is not a "her"; an attic does not have a vagina!] Then, the contractor guy went on w/"Of course, the mothballs will stink yr place up a bit--but... that's the place U pay 4 privacy!" Privacy? From squirrels? That's not the usual way ppl think of having a squirrel-free house, but whatevs. Then, it was clear that this guy had only set up the whole "price U pay" thing so's that when he handed Mom his bill, he cd B all, "And here's the price U pay 4 ME!"

In rel8ed news, when Mike came by, and Mom told him abt all this, his eyes kinda got glazey an' distant when he heard the word "attic."


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  • At 2:21 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Yesterday when I went by the new little house to see what it looks like now that it is repaired, and I ran into this guy from "Fast Eddie's Roof Repair, House Painting, and Squirrel Removal Service," I mean kind of literally, I ran the bumper of my car into the bumper of his big van, and Fast Eddie came out to inspect the damage, you know, the guy with the black mustache that looks scribbly, well he said not to worry about the damage, that he would add it to the price Mom will pay, I thought whew, because I already got three tickets last month and have to go to driving school, anyway, Fast Eddie reminded me that his given name is Edward Caine, he is Anthony's second cousin three times removed, and he said he heard in the Caine Family Newsletter that Anthony and I are back together, I said yes, we are trying to fall in love again, but that it can be hard when Anthony works so many long hours and then insists on spending time with that baby of his, who I think is getting spoiled, and Fast Eddie looked me up and down and said he definitely agreed that Anthony's priorities were all out of whack, and I said that I was having to resort to using stand-ins for Anthony to help me visualize falling in love with him, but that my cat quit in shame after her attempt to give me a romantic dinner failed, anyway, to make a long story short, Fast Eddie told me that he has another specialty, one he doesn't advertise on the side of his van, and that specialty is acting as a romantic stand-in of sorts for needy women, and that he will do anything I want him to do for a reasonable price, which he would just add to Mom's tab.

    So, last night, Fast Eddie picked me up for a dinner and dancing date and it was amazing, he shaved his mustache and drew on black freckles and dyed his hair and he looked just like Anthony, and since he wore glasses but he doesn't need them he couldn't see too good and kept stumbling around all klutzy-like, just like Anthony, and then he took me out to Chuck E. Cheeze's for a romantic dinner, just like Anthony would, and Fast Eddie talked a lot about accounting problems at his work the whole time, just like Anthony would, and then he made sure to get me home by 8:30, just like Anthony would, and then when he kissed me, his teeth banged into my teeth and it hurt, just like when Anthony kisses me, and then Fast Eddie begged me for sex for about 45 minutes, just like Anthony, and I turned him down and closed the door on him, leaving him on his knees in the hallway, crying, just like Anthony, so this pretend date was a huge success, except for one funny thing, I'm trying really hard to fall in love but it's just not happening, weird huh?, oh well, it's not important, I just want to get married anyway, so maybe I will just tell Anthony I tried really hard and finally fell in love and will just lie about it, it won't matter either way anyhow.


  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i think i shd warn u. that eddie guy gave mom an itemized bill an' after her glasses and clip-on earrings came flying offa her head, she totally was all, "i need 2 have a talk w/elizabeth!!!!"



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