April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 04, 2007


Shortly after the telethon was over, I received an e-mail from Shannon:
Hi, April guess what! The telethon made 45 thousan bucks!! It's all for kids with special neds. Thank you for singing. You and Eva were really good. I'm glad Becky is nice to you again. I stayed for all the 24 hours. It was very cool. Mr Mays who own the big car company ask me to help with the telethon next year and guess what I said yes!! Now why? Cause you help me have self confidence. I am different for a reason and I am going to make a difference.

Love, Shannon.

P.S. If you ever ned a fiend, pls let me now.
After I read the e-mail I smiled and didn't even have a lame thot bubble. NEway, I think we're finally dun focusing on the telethon here @ this blog. 2morrow oughta B the usual sumthing diff, and Monday, who knows? Shannon, I don't think I ned a fiend, but I can always use a friend. :)




  • At 11:16 AM, Anonymous shannon lake said…


    I am so excited you used my e-mail. Right after I wrote it, my brother Blair told me I need to use the spell-checker. It was too late. I already sent it. I was too happy about my news. I had to tell you the news. I couldn’t wait.

    You are so funny to make fun of my spelling that way. You don’t ned a fiend. If anyone else but the nicest girl in Milborough wrote that, I think I would be insulted.

    I am very excited for next year’s telethon. Mr Mays said we made 45 thousand bucks. I thought the number was like 150 thousand bucks. Faith told me a special needs telethon she saw made that much. Mr Mays said you have to subtract the cost of putting it on TV and the sponsor’s fees. I said to Mr Mays it made good sense. Then he asked me to help with the telethon next year. He said I would be perfect. I’m so happy. I can’t wait until next year.

    Also, someone told me they are going to make up t-shirts that say, “I am different for a reason and I am going to make a difference.” It’s my saying. If you didn’t help me have self confidence, I wouldn’t have a saying. You are the best.

    Your fiend (just kidding) friend,
    Shannon Lake

  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shan, i'm glad u weren't offended. i felt i was showing that u r a real friend-not-fiend that i can joke w/u like that. not like u r made out of glass just cuz u r special needs. liz tried 2 tell me that kids w/special needs don't have a sense of humour and i shdn't joke like that. i sed she obvs didn't read the official press releases abt u an' yr wicked sense of humour.


  • At 11:48 AM, Blogger howard said…


    What does Shannon Lake mean, “Becky is nice to you again.” Is she still mad about when Becky wouldn’t take that water from her at the Gym / Jam last October? I wouldn’t be surprised. That Gym / Jam really tainted Becky’s career. Fortunately, after playing the Hearts Together telethon, things seem to be going a lot better. We even got this Johnston Institute for Better Living Certificate of Goodness in the mail. The letter says:

    Dear Miss McGuire,

    Even though your status as a roadside gig is unchanged, performing at the Hearts Together telethon for free; and your deference, obeisance, and kow-towing to April Patterson have been deemed to meet the appropriate levels for you to achieve certification as “Good.” Please remember to genuflect to any Pattersons you may meet in public venues, and pay them homage. This certification can be reversed if you don’t follow the guidelines in the attached pamphlet.

    Yours sincerely,
    Johnston Institute for Better Living

    And then there is a pamphlet entitled: The Care and Treatment of Pattersons. I know you are visiting your grandpa Jim and Iris right now, but I have left it out, just in case you want to read it. The section on “How to eat a Patterson’s cooking and survive” is quite interesting.

    If I am not home when you get back, I have been calling people all day to tell let them know Becky and I are not getting married today. Some of the invitees don’t have a phone, so I am going to intercept them at the bus station. Becky is doing really well at the Gems video game you got her. I can’t even read the score she has anymore. If you could wipe off any drool on her face when you get back, I would appreciate it. Thanks,

    Howard Bunt

  • At 12:00 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. My good friend, Gordon Mayes says the Hearts Together telethon in which you sang was phenomenally successful. We are out on his new fishing boat, which he says he got to celebrate the telethon’s success. It is very fancy. I think Gordon said it set him back about $100,000.

    You would love being out here, April. Almost every other word out of Gordon’s mouth is how the success of the telethon is entirely due to you, not only for your song, but for just being there to give self confidence to the other performers. Of course, he has mentioned that you having a soon-to-be published author for a brother has helped too. I haven’t been “fishing” for compliments, but I have caught quite a few for you.

    We have been catching a lot of fish, and this time after we catch them, Gordon is going to put them in the freezer instead of leaving them in the cooler. The eating is going to be good tonight, and no more food poisoning. You should come over and join us, assuming you are still in Milborough and not actually in Winnipeg.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 12:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, congrats 2 becky on the goodness cert. iris was so xxcited abt the news, she is making becky a special macramé owl in honour of the occasion!

    mike, i aleady have dinner plans, and no i'm not in winnipeg yet. i will say so here on the blog when i am.


  • At 12:12 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, wud u please call off shannon lake? she has been marchin’ in fronta my house all mornin’ carrying a sign which sez, “i am different 4 a reason & i am gonna make a difference” on 1 side. on the othah side it says, “apologize jeremy jones 4 sayin’, “you got a watch on april. this story is going to take a loooong time.”” i dunno if u noticed, but all the kids apologized, who walked by ur lunch table that day when u sat w/shannon, xxcept 4 me.

    no, w8. i take that back. i just saw sum1 ask shannon wut the sign wuz about & they got bored w8in’ 4 her 2 finish tellin’ them & walked off. i think i may go set up a chair outside 2c if it happs again.

  • At 12:30 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I discovered today that if I look at your friend Shannon Lake at just the right angle, she appears to be a svelte and quite attractive young lady. Then if look at her from a different angle, she appears to have 3 or 4 chins. It is an interesting visual phenomenon. If I knew how she did it, then I might be able to be the big fattie I am, but show myself off at an angle to make me look like a size 0. Shannon reminded me a lot of a fun house mirror.

    I found Shannon on Jeremy’s front lawn with Jeremy practically rolling on the ground with laughter, each time Shannon tried to explain something or another to a passerby about how people don’t need to have watches when they listen to her talk. Each time she did this, the passerby would invariably check their watch and left before Shannon was finished. There is something about that, which my Jeremy flower found hilarious, but I failed to grasp it. Boys have such a strange sense of humour sometimes.

    In any case, Shannon wouldn’t let me and Jeremy alone until Jeremy apologized to her for something, and so I said to him, “Jeremy. A true gentleman apologizes to a lady when she asks for one, even if he has no idea for what he is apologizing.” That set him straight and I daresay a fair bit better than Shannon’s speech or the sign she was carrying. She was happy though, and started nattering on about how she is different so she can make a difference, or some such nonsense as that.

    Then I told my Jeremy flower that just because his gig to DJ the Bunt / McGuire wedding reception was cancelled, that did not mean he should spend his time rolling on the ground and laughing at special needs protesters. It meant he should be spending time with me, and by spending time, I really mean spending money. We are off getting things we need for our trip to the Dutch tulip festival. I know you plan to travel soon and you may need some things too, like a proper traveling dress perhaps. You are welcome to join us, assuming you can keep your required public disgust for Jeremy in check.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, jeremy, i won't do nething. unless u change yr mind.


  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, my step-grandmom iris saw yr post, and she insisted on giving me sum "mad money" 2 go shopping w/u. i m on my way 2 the mall.


  • At 12:59 PM, Anonymous honoria delaney-forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. No, no, no. Not the mall. Please. The place is completely choked with "April Patterson performed here" signs, those special needs kids put up after the telethon.

    There are some nice dress shoppes I know, where we can get very nice clothes that are more out-of-the way in downtown Milborough. Did you know how many ethnic cultures have a background in clothing? If you didn't, the downtown Milborough shoppes are like an encyclopedia of them. Meet us at Chow's Kimonos and we'll start from there.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 1:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm @ chow's kimonos w/honoria an' jeremy. she is getting sum kinda glee by getting jeremy 2 model sum of their kimonos while she chews on a cotton ball.


  • At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Blair Lake said…

    I just want to apologize on behalf of my family to everyone who suffered the sight of my sister Shannon protesting on their lawns. Our mom sent me out to find her and bring her home after she started receiving complaints. Shannon is confined to her room right now, working on an apology letter my mother asked her to compose. With spellcheck.

    Blair Lake

  • At 4:26 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It has been a delight to shop with you. I wish we could have shopped more (although my Jeremy flower doesn’t), but I perfectly understand your reasons for stopping.

    I must admit I was quite surprised when we walked by the downtown coffee shop and saw that young man (I think he said his name was Dennis) sitting next to your sister mouthing “Save me!” to passersby. Naturally, you felt the need to go into the coffee shop to see what was going on. Your sister did not seem happy to see us, but the young man sitting next to her did. I somehow doubt that “people-watching” is exactly what was going on with your sister and the young man.

    It sounded a lot more like she was subjecting him to a discussion about which plants are or are not toxic to cats and yet are still unattractive to cats. He was quite grateful when you reminded your sister that she had planned to go to Ottawa to spend a few days with her friend Dawn, and insisted that you accompany her back to her apartment to make sure that was what she did.

    I hope everything went well with getting your sister packed up. I think the outfit we picked out for you to travel to Winnipeg shows off your figure quite nicely. It looks so much better on you than it did on Jeremy.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 4:55 PM, Blogger howard said…


    When you come back to our place (which as you may remember is just 2 houses down from your new place), I need to warn you about something. I had to go out and break up a fight with your dad and a guy down the road. I was coming home from the bus station, having sent most of Becky’s relatives back home, since our wedding kind of didn’t happen this weekend as I planned. On the way back, I see your dad in his neighbour’s yard, and there is a guy in front of his car, the one with the purple and acid green paint. He’s yelling at your dad, “Get away old man. I don’t care if Model T’s were all black. I am not telling you what my insurance is worth, or how much I owe on the car and my parents don’t care what kind of car I have in their driveway. I am 26 years old, man! My parents don’t live here.”

    Then your dad said, “I’m just trying to be neighbourly. It occurred to me the other day that not much has changed around this neighbourhood since we first moved here.” The young man said, “You just moved here in July, but I heard how you killed George Stibbs’ wife by going by their house every day for 2 years. You are not killing me to get this car.”

    Then your dad was saying something like, “That car is a real work of art. It looks like a sportscar, but it’s really an elderly Saturn sedan. It's your original souped-up grocery getter. It’s the perfect car for me. It’s young-looking, and yet practical for hauling things.” The young man said, “Go away, man, before I have to hurt you! You’re not getting this car!” Then your dad said, “That’s what George Stibbs said about his house 2 years ago, and look where I live now! The stereo on the car is so loud, it’s probably loosening all of your dental work, and then you’ll have to come and see me.”

    Then the young man lunged at your dad, and fortunately I was there to stop him before he got to your father. I said to your dad, “Don’t you have a book report due?” He said, “Oh right. Mexican train book. I better get to it.” The young man said, “He’s not going to get my car. Man, those guys are crazy in that house. His wife spends most of the day staring out her front window at people and taking notes. They creep me out.”

    I said, “What about their daughter, who lives with them?” He said, “They have a daughter? I thought he said he was redoing his basement to make an apartment for renters.” I think I have the man straightened out now, but you might want to keep an eye on him and your dad.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, this is that time in the month when all sortsa bizarre things happ, things that r based on stuff my fam has written in their montly letters. it's really spooky how this stuff happs rite on sked, pretty much every month.

    thanx 4 intervening w/that guy and my dad, howard. and dennis, if u r reading this, u're welcome!


  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous lonlyanthdad2fran said…


    It's been a busy day at Mayes Midtown Motors.

    The new RPB "Needabout Special" is just about ready for delivery. It's quite a sight: a 1971 VW Vanagon with 313,000 klicks on the old odometer. The mechanics call it the Bondomobile. It's got reasonably new tires now, after having been up on blocks for a while. Gord had been using it to store cracked batteries that they wouldn't accept at the dump because of something to do with lead and acid. I was never much good at science, but I can tell you we were always raking dead raccoons out from under it.

    But thanks to a grant from Ontario, he was able to outfit it with a wheelchair lift (actually an old keg cradle from a beer truck) and seating appropriate for special needs students who are up to date with their tetanus inoculations.

    Your dad suggested painting it purple and acid green, BTW. And it's got a big smiley face on the side so special needs students will know that it can take them to fun places, as long as the fun places aren't uphill.

    All the Mayes Midtown Motors advertising in the windows kind of messes with the view a bit, but it's still a bargain at $45,000. Watch out for the sudden pull to the right when the brakes are applied though. Takes a pretty strong set of arms to keep her from running up onto the sidewalk.

    BTW, please tell your dad's dental office to quit calling me. I guess I somehow got on a senior list the last time I was there and they're always trying to fill slots. I know you're dad's practice is going to hell what with him using the wrong tools all the time and all, but how many cleanings does a guy need in one summer?


  • At 7:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    anthony, that van soundz v. hazardous. can't gordo sell that boat and get sumthing safer?

    my dad prob had u put on that frequent-checkup list so he'd have an xxcuse 2 c u more often an' bend yr ears abt lizzie. mom made him promise 2 cut back on cinnabuns and there r only so many reasons 4 him 2 come in and have his 'vASSe serviced when there's nothing wrong with it.

    it mite help if u schedule yrself a cleaning, then casually mention that u and liz r taking things v. v. slowly and she wants every1 2 respect her privacy. dad is v. used 2 liz concealing stuff, and if he has the idea that yr relationship w/liz going sumwhere, he mite back off from trying 2 sked so many dental visits.


  • At 4:02 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Sometimes wives can be mysterious creatures. As you know, mom and dad had agreed to leave behind all their appliances when they moved, in order to provide me and Deanna with furniture, since we lost all ours in the apartment fire last December, and so mom could get all new things in your new house. I thought this was very gracious of mom and dad. However, we were not in the house for very long before Deanna had visited mom and dad and after viewing their new washer and dryer, she decided she wanted one of those too.

    Obviously we couldn’t afford that, but Deanna talked to dad who talked to Gordon Mayes who gave us the card of a man who could get us a new washer and dryer, except there were some conditions. They were not the newest of new with the fancy touch-operated buttons. They still have the old-fashioned dials. We had to transport and install it ourselves from where the man had it stored in a van down by the Sharon River. It was an odd situation, but certainly worth it for the price, and especially for Deanna’s satisfaction at having a new washer and dryer.

    Lawrence and Nick had barely got it into the house, when Deanna wanted to wash some clothes. She had been letting them build up. My son went along to observe his mother, and also to get his stuffed bear washed (don’t ask). My daughter was…um…I am not exactly sure where she was at the time. I was just getting ready to start working on my second novel again after Lawrence and Nick left, when I heard my lovely Deanna say, “Michael, the washing machine won’t work…and we just bought it!!

    I could tell my wife’s happiness was waning. I went over to her near the washer and dryer to comfort her, but I was distracted by her low-cut blouse and said, “Hmmm…” I pretended to be thinking of a solution, when in reality, I was actually looking intently at my wife, trying to get as much height as I possibly could, in order to improve the view. I noticed my son had a fierce grip on my leg and I wondered why. I looked more carefully at my wife and saw the storm clouds overhead. My son has learned to fear his mother’s storm clouds, and I believe he did that much earlier than I did when I was growing up.

    Not satisfied with my Hmmm-ing to solve the problem, my lovely Deanna decided to take the man who sold us the washer to task, in order to make herself feel better, I suppose. I heard her say, “I’m gonna call the guy who sold it to us!” Then I heard a sound I hadn’t heard in awhile, the sound mom makes when she is mad about something. It is something akin to listening to a herd of pigs snort, as you know. Who else does that kind of thing? Deanna does, when she is in a rage.

    Well, I had to have something to cover that pig sound, so I checked to see if the washer and dryer were hooked up properly and discovered the washer had never been plugged in. Once I plugged it in, it made a nice “HUMMMSHHHHH” sound which covered Deanna’s noises nicely. I said, “Deanna! I forgot to plug in the washing machine! It’s OK!!!”

    Then I heard Deanna complaining about not being able to contact the salesperson who sold us the washer, and she was going to…FAX him. I didn’t even know we had one of those machines, but we do. I managed to stop her just in time, by saying, “If it ain’t broke, then don’t FAX it!” That’s a hilarious joke, and I laughed and laughed the whole time Deanna was hitting me.

    Wives are certainly mysterious creatures, formerly little sis.

    Michael Patterson


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