April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Years and time and waiting

Last nite, Liz called me 2 yell @ me 4 suggesting she can't tell the diff betw a babybot and and little girl w/a babybot brandname tattooed on her neck. But she soon changed the subj over 2 Anthony and what they talked abt 2 months ago @ Shawna-Marie's wedding reception (hey, don't yell @ me 4 being back on the wedding--this is LIZ'S doing!).

Liz sed that she an' Anth were on that stone bridge @ that country club where the wedding reception was. They both leaned over the side, and Liz kind of snuggled up 2 him. Anthony was all, "After all these yrs, Elizabeth. After all these yrs!" What a weird thing 2 say! And Liz went, "I know." Then Anthony sed, "I shd have asked U 2 marry me when we were both in university." And Liz was all, "I wasn't ready then, Anthony." Anthony asked, "R U ready now?" Liz sez she was s00per-xxcited, cuz she thot Anthony was "finally" popping the question, yet she also wanted 2 play it sorta cool. She was like, "2 get married? Perhaps... How abt U? Do U want 2 get married again?" Then she sez her heart sank when he put his arm around her as they started 2 walk off of the bridge and told her, "Sumday. But... I'm not in a rush. I can w8. ...After all this time."

WTF? And Y R we getting this all as a flashback, LIZ?


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  • At 10:51 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I read what you said our Lizardbreath had told you about her romantic evening with Anthony Caine and my heart swelled with joy. He can be taught! I told Anthony over and over again, the big mistake that all the other guys made with Elizabeth, was when they finally got her alone and she was unattached to any other man, then they would completely mess up by telling Elizabeth they loved her and wanted to be with her. I said to him, “Anthony. When that moment comes for you, and it will come, do not under any circumstances say to Elizabeth you love and you want to marry you. You can say you wanted to marry some time long in the past. You can ask if she is ready for marriage. But never, ever actually ask her in the present tense.” I had him repeat it several times for me, to make sure he got it.

    I read what you said Liz said he said and I couldn’t be prouder. Anthony did it just right. I told him to tell Liz he wants to get married someday, but don’t be in a rush. He has done his part. Now, it is up to the rest of Elizabeth’s family, and that includes you, April, to find a way to get Elizabeth and Anthony married, without either of them actually telling each other they love each other, and without either of them actually making any kind of commitment to each other. If Elizabeth thinks it just “happened” to her, like she woke up one morning and realized she was married to Anthony by fate, that would be best.

    I am thinking that drugging her drink while she is on a date with Anthony, and then making up pictures of her getting married to Anthony while she is unconscious, might do the trick. Do you think that will work? Do you know of any “wedding chapel” bed spreads? I am going to ask mom.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 1:23 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I'm just trying to tell about that night the way the people at Mission Control are telling me to, dragging it out and whatever, it's not like I want to do this, I'd rather deal with Anthony's not-proposal in my own way, thank you very much, but as usual, nosy people want to know all about my life, so here I am.

    Also, Mike is an idiot, I am finally ready to get married present tense and he is coaching Anthony to deal with the old not-ready-yet me, augh, I can hardly stand to keep doing these Polite Parkside Playdates, all I want is to be married in a house with my own real babies already, sheesh, I keep hinting by saying to Anthony stuff like, "If we were married, I wouldn't have to go home at night after our playdates," and "If we were married, I'd live in your house with you," and "If we were married, you and I would be able to do the horizontal lambada whenever you want to," and "If we were married, I'd let you put your penis in my vagina whenever you want to, and also maybe your penis in my mouth on your birthday and Canada Day," but so far Anthony has not gotten the hint that he should just buy a ring already!


  • At 1:36 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I was shocked to read Liz’s letter describing her behaviour with Anthony Caine, mainly because Anthony had not told me she had said these things to him, and they are the kinds of things he would mention. When I asked Anthony about it, he sounded surprised and told me he needed to take some time off from work so he could go home and rest and think about them while he was looking at a picture of Elizabeth.

    I protested and said, “Did Elizabeth actually say those things to you?” He said, “Of course, Mike. As you have told me over and over again, whatever Elizabeth says is right. She just may not have said any of things to me out loud, or loud enough where I could hear it, or maybe there was traffic noise, or maybe her thought balloon was obscured by cloud cover.”

    Not to worry though, formerly little sis. Mom has come up with a clever plan, which I am sure you will hear about the next time Liz talks about talking to mom.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:42 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids, really didn’t have anything to add to your sister’s story about her night with Anthony Caine at the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding, although both of them were quite happy Anthony and Elizabeth did not immediately leap into being engaged. Alyssa said the idea of your sister rushing back into Shawna-Marie’s wedding announcing she was engaged would have been horrible.

    I am little depressed now, because I got a message from Becky that she has gone to Barbados with her band to perform at a Goats Together telethon being held at a place called, Redd Hott Bajan Mammas, and she will start her summer tour from there. I should have gotten her to marry me when she was still in Milborough, even though she wasn’t ready then. I guess I’ll have to wait until she gets back. The only upside is Becky took all the rest of the goat milk and goat cheese with her.

    I hope everything is going well for you in Winnipeg, even though haven’t talked about it in your blog in awhile.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:43 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno wut 2 think ‘bout honoria. she’s like a completely diff person ‘round all these rich tulip peeps. sum1 tried 2 kill that bronson guy w/a parade float & took out hiz bodyguards & his gf & all the guy cud say wuz it wuz a close shave & he wuz glad it wuzn’t him. honoria haz turned herself n2 a freakin’ target, by standin’ nexta him in the parade. now i hafta figger out who is trying 2 kill this bronson guy, so honoria duzn’t get killed. i’m a sound guy, not a freakin’ detective.

  • At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I have great news! I get to be Bronson van Daam’s escort in the Dutch Tulip festival. He gets to sit in the big box during the parade and I get to sit right beside him! It is quite an honour! I am so excited! I simply have to tell you how this lucky thing occurred.

    They were rehearsing the Dutch Tulip parade today, and one of the practice parade floats went out of control while Bronson was in the box with his girlfriend and his two bodyguards. The float flattened everyone except Bronson, who escaped when he pushed his bodyguards and girlfriend in front of him to cushion the impact of the float. He is so smart.

    After the ambulance came and took the bodies of the guards and his girlfriend away, Bronson’s mother asked all the unattached ladies there if they wanted to be Bronson’s escort, and I volunteered. Of course Bronson’s mother said, “Does anyone else other than the daughter of the woman who murdered my brother want to do it?” But no one else did, and so I got the job.

    We stood in the box for the rest of the parade practice. Bronson had his arms folded, and my head was leaning against his shoulder, just like old times. Bronson said, “After all these years, Honoria. After all these years!” I said wistfully, “I know.” Bronson said, “I should have asked you to marry me when we were both in Cashwell Day School together, and before Mater had you thrown out of school.” I said, “I was too young then, Bronson. I was only 13, you know.” Bronson said, “Are you ready now?” I said, “I’m only 14. I am still too young.”

    Then I added, “How about you? Do you want to get married?” Bronson said, “Someday. If I can make it past this death curse on the van Daam men which kills them when they turn 16, I will think about it. It would be foolish to marry now, and then leave a widow with a claim to the van Daam fortune.” He looked so forlorn when he said it. Poor Bronson has the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I get to be his escort. I am so excited! Mater is thrilled too and so proud of me. Years ago, she was Bronson’s uncle Ronson’s escort in the Dutch Tulip festival parade, before he died from the truck of tulips which overturned on him.

    Even brother Gerald is excited. He said, “At last you are getting rid of Jeremy Jones.” I tried to tell Gerald that just because I was talking about marriage with Bronson van Daam, that didn’t mean my relationship with my Jeremy flower was in danger, any more then it meant his relationship with you was over after all the stuff he did with Becky McGuire, or your sister’s relationship with Anthony Caine was over when he got married and had a child with another woman. I also said the same thing to Jeremy, but he didn’t talk very much as usual. I think he was just beside himself with excitement about me getting to be Bronson’s escort.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, liz, i m surprised u sed all that stuff 2 anthony abt doing sex things! i never thot u'd admit 2 being willing 2 do stuff like that!

    howard, i'm sorry 2 hear abt u being depressed. i got a txt from dunc saying that the goats 2gether thing was gonna b a big deal and that becks looked v. hott. but he also sed sumthing abt her missing her "howiekins" or sumsuch.

    oh, and i'm having fun in winni, tho it's hard 2 find time 2 write abt ne of that in addition 2 whatevs else i need 2 blog abt. laura and i do early horseback riding, and then we rush off 2 the vet clinic.

    honoria, if that bronson guy was willing 2 throw his bodyguards AND his gf under that float, rn't u worried he'd do the same 2 u?!?!?


  • At 6:19 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I don't like "dirty talk" as you know but I have no time left to fool around anymore, I just remembered I might actually be 27 instead of 26 and even if I am only 26 that is OLD to not have a husband locked in, think about it, we have to have an engagement and a wedding before we can start trying to have babies and remember how many years Mike's engagement took and even after he got married for real him and Dee still couldn't try for babies until the fake wedding was over and that took ages to plan and if things take that long I will be in my 30s by then and I will be too old to have Main Children, and who knows what happens when you don't have Main Children but try to have babies in your 30s anyway, I don't think anybody has ever tried it before, probably your babies all turn out like Oops Babies and no offense to you April because I know you are sensitive about this but Mom is always going on and on about how you ruined her life, I mean Mom and Dad seem to hate you and I don't want to hate all my kids, that would be terrible, I mean you have to have a son and a daughter (one of each) Main Children to be proud of if you want to be happy when you're over 50, and before you say anything, no, Frenchy won't count, Stepkids are always strange creatures who do odd and controversial things like be gay and own their own businesses.


  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, liz, i heard rumours that u can have kids in yr 30s and they'll b perfectly luvly. mayB u can just make sure u have those "main" kids b4 u turn 40. then don't have an "oops" kid if we're so awful and life-ruining.


  • At 7:36 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I don’t have to worry about Bronson van Daam throwing me under a float. Don’t be silly. He really didn’t like those bodyguards and his ex-girlfriend, because they were all set up for him by his Mater. He likes me a lot better, because his Mater hates my Mater.

    I’ll tell you how I know he likes me better. Bronson and I were having dinner together, since I am his escort. Of course, I was following my diet of celery and the occasional cotton ball; so I had to turn down everything which was being offered to me to eat. Even the chocolate. Well, Bronson was so gallant, he said, “If Honoria cannot eat the chocolate, then neither will I.” So, Bronson gave both our chocolate desserts to his new bodyguards to eat and they died right away, from some kind of poison extracted from tulips is what I heard. If it had been Bronson’s old girlfriend, he would have insisted she have a bite of the chocolate, and she would have been dead too. So, you see it doesn’t matter if the float ran over her. The chocolate would have gotten her a few hours later.

    The important part is that Bronson treats me a lot better than his old girlfriend, so there is nothing to worry about. Besides, he is so much fun and brother Gerald just loves him and keeps asking him advice on how to get you to play baseball with him. I guess you are not very good at baseball, dearest future sister. I don’t think baseball is that ladylike a sport, so it doesn’t bother me at all you are not good at it.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 7:40 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i have been doin’ sum kinda detective work. i asked the guy, kleeves, who is the old guy that is does the ground-keepin’ work @the park where the tulip fest iz gonna b, if he knew ne1 who wud wanna kill bronson van daam. it turns out, evn tho he is just 16, bronson van daam haz a lotta enemies. accordin’ 2 kleeves, almost every1 who knows him, h8s him. i hafta agree there, i just barely know the guy, & i don’t like him. ‘course i don’t h8 him enuff 2 wanna kill him. Kleeves sez the guy iz a whiny, spineless loser, who iz gonna have his job handed 2 him, his home handed 2 him, & he just xxpects the girls he wunts 2 w8 4 him 2b done w/the girl he is currently d8in’.

    kleeves sez cuz of the van daam curse, where the 1st born van daam boy dies wen they r 16, the most likely suspects r the 2nd, 3rd, 4th born van daam boys; cuz their inheritance gets a lot biggah, if the 1st born van daam guy dies. ‘course he sez, ne of bronson’s ex-gf’s wud b a good choice 2.

    supposedly, the curse came frum a 1st nations guy named benjamin barker, cuz a long tyme ago judge turpon van daam stole his wife frum him, evn tho judge turpon van daam wuz alreddy married. it wuzn’t so long that kleeves didn’t remembah tho. he’s pretty old, but still gets ‘round enuff 2b able 2 work. kleeves sed the judge got this barker guy put in jail on the false charges he wuz doin’ unnatural native acts w/sum othah underage 1st nations girl, so he cud make the move on his wife. but b4 the guy wuz put in jail he swore this curse against the van daams. evah since then, the 1st born van daam boy has died @age 16. they think it iz cuz of the ghost of benjamin barker doin' it.

    the last one 2 die, wuz honoria’s mom’z old bf, ronson van daam. he wuz the 1st born of carlo van daam, who wuz a 2nd born kid who got the dutch tulips biz when his oldah bro died.

  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, what a weird thing abt the van daam fam. sorry honoria, but i think bronson soundz like a bit of a creep! tho i was on the fone w/liz when honoria and jeremy's posts came up. i read them 2 liz and she thot, esp. from jeremy's description, that bronson sounds steady, reliable, honest, funny, and hardworking. i sed i didn't get that @ all from what jeremy wrote, but she told me i'm stupid and i don't understand the imp. things in life.


  • At 10:26 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I wouldn’t say you are stupid and don't understand the important things in life. I think you are confused about Bronson van Daam, because of what my Jeremy flower wrote. If my Jeremy flower has a fault, aside from his appearance, his inability to dress properly, his inability to control his flatulence in public, and his unfortunate body odor; it is his inability to make friends. There are not many people Jeremy likes, and even fewer who like him. So, for my Jeremy flower to say something like “most people hate a great man like Bronson van Daam,” it isn’t the pot calling the kettle black; it is the pot calling the 19th century Tiffany polished, sterling silver flatware black. Or to put it another way, it would be like Jeremy saying, “Most people hate my brother Gerald” except on a much grander scale.

    Although I would normally consider your sister’s opinion on things to be somewhat suspect, this time she seems to have gotten it just right. Bronson is the handsomest boy I have ever known. He is tall, blond, and carries a trim figure. He plays polo and lacrosse, as gentlemen do. If you were to meet him, you would simply melt. It doesn’t hurt matters that he is filthy rich, too. I am quite lucky that float managed to get his girlfriend out of the way so I could be his escort for the festival.

    I think my Jeremy flower is just jealous, when he has no reason to be jealous. Just because I am Bronson’s escort for the Dutch Tulip festival and have to spend a lot of time with him, doesn’t mean that there is anything between us Jeremy needs to be concerned over. After all, Bronson’s Mater insists I will never, ever marry Bronson. Remember, she got me thrown out of Cashwell Day School. Jeremy doesn’t need to worry.

    Your sister can tell you about it with her relationship with Mr. Caine. Hugging, hand-holding, walks in the park, looking deeply into each other’s eyes mean nothing, absolutely nothing. Jeremy should understand that. I am sure you do, dearest future sister. Don’t be confused by what Jeremy writes. He simply doesn’t understand the important things in life.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe


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