April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Wherein Liz Reminisces with Anthony on Recent History

Well, Dad stopped by @ Gordo's Garage an' Grill yesterday afternoon 2 ask Anthony if he's flossing regularly, but the real reason was 2 press him abt what happed w/Liz @ the park yesterday morning. It seems that after their "polite"/"careful" conversation, Liz went in2 reminiscing/flashback mode, talking abt Shawna-Marie's wedding. According 2 Dad, who called me 1st thing this morning, Liz was all, "Ppl came looking 4 us after the weddng, but we hid in the rose garden giggling like kids. It was a perfect nite... A clear starry sky, both of us in evening clothes. --It was all so romantic." She reminded Anthony about having sed, "Anthony, what time is it?" And she reminded him that he'd been all, "That's the second time U've asked me. --Do U want the nite 2 B over?" And Liz had been like, "No... I don't want it 2 END!"

Dad was a bit confused. He wanted 2 know, since these events were so recent and both of them had been there, Y'd it been necessary 2 review this stuff. Anthony is apparently still nervous abt giving Pattersons enuf praise, so he was like, "Dr. P! What an insightful question! Well, of course your eldest daughter, the lovely Elizabeth, is a rare creature, with mysterious ways. I'm just happy to go along 4 the ride and not make mistakes. Which reminds me, I need 2 call Michael 4 sum more advice!"

Bleah. Well I had an awesum time @ the "April Patterson Festival" here @ the farm in Winni. The bands were all AWESUM! 2day Laura and I R going horseback riding after brekky and then we'll go 2 the veterinary clinic.


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  • At 10:00 AM, Blogger howard said…


    My new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids were quite surprised I was asking them for perspective on things at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it:

    Alyssa: Howard, why are you still talking about this? The wedding was two months ago?
    Me: I am trying to make a contribution to April Patterson, Liz’s sister’s blog and today she was writing about a conversation her sister had with Anthony Caine and that ended up with Liz rehashing things which happened with Anthony Caine at the Shawna-Marie Verano wedding. I guess Liz considers it to be a moment in her life so romantic, she had to describe it again with the person who was there with her.
    Jen: It’s been two months. Elizabeth and Anthony haven’t done anything more interesting in two months? That’s usually when most of the romantic things occur, you know.
    Alyssa: Jen, we are talking about Elizabeth here. She’s probably only been out with Anthony 2 times, and they were probably park dates with Anthony’s little girl.
    Me: I think you’re right. How did you know that?
    Alyssa: Howard. This is Milborough and she is an unmarried Patterson. Everyone knows what’s going on with them.
    Jen: What do you want us to comment about, Howard?
    Me: What did Elizabeth and Anthony do after they left the wedding reception?
    Alyssa: Well, Shawna-Marie wanted Liz for some pictures with the bridesmaids with throwing the bouquet, so we had to go and look for her.
    Jen: She was standing right out where we could see her, so it wasn’t that hard. Plus, that girl Julia, who was Anthony’s date, was standing there staring at them, so she knew exactly where they were. She said it part of her job or something. Weird. Anyway, Alyssa and I went out and we said, “Elizabeth. Shawna-Marie wants you in for some more pictures.” Of course instead of coming in, she and Anthony go running into the rose garden to hide. I mean, it was pretty obvious what they were doing. I said, “Elizabeth. Those roses are only knee deep. I can still see you.” But she still didn’t come back in. She just stood out there with Anthony, and they were both giggling like they were little children, getting away with something naughty.
    Alyssa: That’s a pretty extensive rose garden in that park. I always thought it was very pretty, even though those roses are kind of weird the way they grow right on the ground like that, and not in bushes.
    Jen: They are called ground cover roses and they grow in small shrubs.
    Alyssa: I saw them. They weren’t in shrubs. Each individual rose was coming straight out of the ground.
    Jen: Then they weren’t roses. Roses are a garden shrub.
    Alyssa: Whatever they were, the park custodians were majourly mad the next day when they found people had been trampling on and picking the rose garden roses. Of course, Shawna-Marie got the blame, because it was her wedding. She was pretty mad about that. It was just another added insult. Jen and I had to go back and tell her Elizabeth wasn’t coming in, and actually ran away from us. Shawna-Marie said, “What do you mean she isn’t coming in?” And we told her she was out with Anthony in the rose garden giggling and she wouldn’t answer us.
    Jen: Shawna-Marie was so angry. Dawn tried to calm her down. Alyssa and I were kind of shaking our heads. You know, when it comes to rudeness, the Pattersons are in a class all by themselves. If you invite one to be a member of your bridal party, you are just asking for trouble. I felt bad for Shawna-Marie, but really, she knew this would happen.
    Me: What happened then?
    Alyssa: What could you do? We went on without them. It’s hard to get concerned about someone who treats you like dirt on your wedding day.
    Jen: Well, Dawn Enjo was talking to people to see if there was any way she could un-invite Elizabeth to her wedding next year. I think she decided she was going to invite Elizabeth to Ottawa to visit, and then concoct some kind of excuse while she was there, like she and her fiancé were already married or something like that. Her brother did that once. He had one real and one fake wedding, almost a year apart.
    Alyssa: Are you going to invite us back tomorrow, Howard?
    Me: I don’t know yet. It depends on what April writes.
    Alyssa: Well, if you do, be sure to make more of this goat’s milk cheese cake. It is really good. Are you into goat’s milk now?
    Me: Well, Becky is.
    Jen: I’m sorry she cancelled your wedding Howard. I was looking forward to it.
    Alyssa: So was I. Did you plan to have a Patterson as one of your wedding party?
    Me: Actually, yes. April Patterson.
    Alyssa: Well, it’s just as well it was cancelled then.

    That’s pretty much how the conversation went.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I feel a little foolish this morning. I was running in my bare feet in the park, where my Jeremy flower is trying to fix the sound for the upcoming Dutch Tulip festival. Jeremy said, “Honoria. That’s a rose garden over there. You need to have shoes on.” I said to him, “Whatever for, Jeremy?” He said, “Thorns.” I said, “What are you talking about?” He said, “Roses have thorns.” I said, “Surely, you must be joking.” And then I felt a horrible pain in my feet as if someone had stuck a thousand needles in the bottoms of my feet. I collapsed and then I felt needles jutting into my arms and bottom. My Jeremy flower came over to pick me up and rescue me. He said, “Honoria. What are you doing? You have thorns all over you.”

    My brave and wise Jeremy, spent a long time pulling out thorns and putting little pink bandages on me. I explained to Jeremy, that when Mater has roses in our house in Milborough, they never have thorns, and Jeremy explained to me that florists remove the thorns. I felt very foolish, when he told me that. Jeremy was surprised I was so ignorant about flowers. He said, “Honoria. Sometimes you are very smart, and sometimes you are stupid as Elizabeth Patterson.” Dearest future sister. I think my Jeremy flower has a very low opinion of your sister’s intelligence. Surely she is not stupid enough to run through a rose garden in bare feet, is she?

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 10:03 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i guess honoria told u ‘bout her fun w/roses. lucky 4 her, she eats so little food, she didn’t bleed much.

    i spent all night pulling and replacin’ sound wires till it was all done. it wuz a lot better’n havin’ 2 spend the night tryin’ 2 sleep in the same room az ur bf, gerald, az i learned the night b4. & then, aftah all that, the sound still didn’t work. it’s ‘bout 2 drive me crayzee. i think sum1 is sabotagin’ my work, thass wut i think. i ran n2 bronson van daam, honoria’z ex-bf & he wuz all like, “i knew it wudn’t work. no mattah who they bring in, no1 can fix the sound in this park. by the way, duz honoria evah talk ‘bout me?” i sed, “go away u freak!”, cuz i didn’t wanna hafta tell him the truth which wuz, “all the freakin’ tyme."

    honoria sez, bronson van daam wud nevah do nething like sabotage. she sed his fam wud rather ask u wut tyme it wuz than do nething 2 stop the sound frum workin’ in the park. i sed, “wudya mean ask wut tyme it iz?” honoria just sed, “if u hafta ask wut tyme it is, then it means u wunt evah is goin’ on 2b ovah, & a van daam wud nevah let u know sumthin’ like that. it wud b a sign of weakness” the van daams r freaks. bronson haz 2 bodyguards on him all the tyme, cuz he is scared he is gonna die @16 yrs old, cuz of the van daam curse, like his uncle ronson did a long tyme back. i am pretty sure bronson is the 1 responsible 4 the sabotage. he duzn’t wunt me 2 succeed, cuz that wud make honoria look bad. if i can find where the sound is sabotaged, then i can fix it, & i will know 4 sure who did it.

  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Your description of the events at the Shawna-Marie wedding between Anthony and Elizabeth via father was interesting. I must congratulate you on not following the normal romance style of story-telling as you recounted pop’s words from Anthony from Elizabeth. These jarring breaks in the narrative flow are quite different, as if you are trying to say that this is not a particularly romantic story, for no other reason than you take a break to talk about special needs kids, telethons, moving between houses, and the like. “Embed the romance in the mundane, and you will drive the reader insane.” That’s what my university professor used to say, when he would try to encourage us to get to the point and not bury our narrative flow in too many alternate subplots.

    It’s nice to see my old professor got it wrong. The story you tell of Anthony and Elizabeth talking about telling time is a master stroke. How many romance stories can boast that plot idea? The best part is that I can completely believe that our sister Lizardbreath would spend her romantic moments with Anthony Caine asking him what time it is over and over again. And moreover, I can see our Anthony Caine answering in a breathy tone, “At the sound of the tone, the time will be exactly…” I specifically told him to go along with whatever Liz wanted to do, no matter how stupid it may seem. You can tell it paid off in spades, if she even talks about that moment when she is on another date with him. If Anthony works it right, she will even mention it when they get married.

    That’s the reason why Anthony got that park date with Liz. And I know he scored points with her, by listening to her describe the wedding events with him in first person plural, while they were standing in the park. When Liz tries to tell me the story about events where we were both in attendance, my usual response is to roll my eyes and try not to listen, which is more difficult than you would think. I have a great deal of sympathy for his surviving a night like that with Liz. Anthony Caine is made of stern stuff indeed.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 10:12 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey Apes,

    Sorry Ive bn offline so long, 2 much RL happening.

    I got my Barbadian drivers licence, its so cube 2b able 2 drive newhere netime w/ no1 else in the car. If we come back 2 Mboro Ill b the youngest d00d in Ontario w/ a full G licence. Sweet!

    I still dunno if we r coming back. I called my dads xtension @ the Mboro Credit Union, his vm message says hes back Sept 4. But my 'rents bot a house in Bridgetown, they said they r 2 used 2 b-ing on their own 2 share w/ all r relatives & its a good investment. All r furniture from Mboros there, my room looks almost the same as my room in Mboro. When I wake up in the morning I think Im in Mboro till I look out the window.

    L8r. I have 2 drive ovah 2 Grans 2 milk the goats. Then Im helping w/ the renos @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. Mom & Perdita r adding a niteclub 2 the restaurant.

    Yr friend 4evah,

  • At 11:30 AM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    Yesterday, I got this weird email, it went like this:

    To: "Elizabeth Patterson" (2hawt4u@milboro.com)
    From: "Mission Control" (liz+anth4evah@jifbl.org)
    Re: Project Loveocalypse

    Liz, the Good Witch thinks it is time you reveal more about your super-mysterious rendezvous with Anthony at the wedding. Drag the story out as long as possible. Try to make it sound exciting. We'll tell you when to stop.

    Thanks, Mission Control

    P.S. It's time to schedule another Polite Playdate at the Park.

    So I'm not really sure what's going on, but that's okay, I kind of like it when someone else is in charge of my life for once, it's all just so confusing, you know?


  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, heyyyyyyy, u tell alyssa an' jen that i'm not like liz and i wdn't have acted nething like that @ yr wedding, if u had had it. i wd have behaved like a wedding guest is supposta behave!

    ouch! honoria, that soundz v. painful. i wonder how liz managed 2 avoid getting thorns in her feet.

    jeremy, that bronson guy soundz like a pain!

    dunc, 4 sum reason i think there's a chance i'll never come back from winnipeg. but if i do, i hope u'll come back, 2!

    liz, thoze e-mails from jifbl.org sure r freekee.

    so, bizzy day 2day @ the clinic. i met melody unterjohnston @ april fest last nite, and she was @ the clinic 2day. 4 sum reason, whenev there was a pet there 2 b neutered, she was all, "me! let me assist! let me!" it was v. strange.


  • At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. I think Bronson van Daam is still in love with me. He was walking with me and he saw a rose thorn my Jeremy flower missed on my derriere from my fall in the roses this morning. He pulled it off and showed it to me. It’s a good thing it was a thorn, because I was getting ready to give him a ladylike slap for being fresh, even with his two bodyguards there. But he had the thorn in his hand, and he looked at me really dreamy-eyed. He said, “Honoria. Remember the time I pulled the thorn out of your bottom?” I said, “You did it before? I don’t remember that.” Then Bronson said, “No. I mean just now. Do you remember that?” I said I did. Then Bronson said, “Wasn’t it all so romantic?” I was a little confused by that statement. I said, “Why was it romantic?” Then Bronson said, “Because the weather is nice, and we are both wearing very nice clothes.” I had to agree there were certain elements of that which could lead one to romance.

    When I told my Jeremy flower, he did not think it was romantic at all. He said he had heard about people with such poor memories, they would remember things that just happened and forget they just happened or with whom it happened. He suggested Bronson might be like one of those people, and actually suggested your sister was like that too. I told him he must be mistaken, just like he was mistaken that Bronson was the one sabotaging his wires.

    Jeremy is convinced he has the solution to the sound system problem. I would be more excited, but since I found Bronson is thinking romantic thoughts about me, it just doesn’t seem as important to me anymore. Mater still wants it to happen. She hates it when Bronson’s mother introduces her as Dutch Tulip festival committee chairwoman and murderess.

    You will glad to hear that brother Gerald is behaving himself, and spending his time drinking and saying, “Hoo!” and not having anything to do with any of the young ladies who participate in the festival.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 8:51 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u won’t b-lieve this april, but it wuz electrified rodents. freakin’ big 1s. there is sum kinda colony of them here that developed like in 1910. no mattah wut peeps have tried 2 do w/the sound system, the rodents chewed thru the wires & wrecked the sound.

    i kinda have u2 thank 4 figgerin’ it out, cuz of that crayzee rabbit u have. i recognized the bite marks on the cables. u know how ur bunny wud bite the cables @ur house & the marks on the cable didn’t look like they came from ur rabbit’s teeth? u know 2 teeth makin' 3 teeth marks? it wuz kinda like that.

    i hafta rewire the whole thing again w/wires that have electrified rodent protection all along them. it’s rilly expensive, but aftah i am done, i am pretty sure the sound will work & honoria can b the big hero, or wutevah it is she wunts.

    u shud c her w/this bronson guy. he hangz ‘round her all the tyme, & right in fronta his current gf & sez thingz like, “u don’t needta b jealous, honey. honoria & i r just friendz.” like ne1 w/half a brain believez that. i think the new gf duzn’t needta worry, cuz honoria & this bronson guy can barely carry on a convo w/each other. they r completely wrong 4 each othah. i have a lot bettah convos w/honoria than that idiot.

  • At 9:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, remember when honoria posted abt the thorn in her butt an' bronson pulling it out and asking if she remembered that? and remember when jeremy posted abt figuring out that electrified rodents had been chewing the cables to the sound system? j/k, lol!

    honoria, i m glad 2 hear ger is keeping himself bizzy by saying "hoo" and not getting involved w/girls. pls let him know he's got nothing 2 worry abt w/steve this summer. steve has a gf and he knows i have a bf. he came over 2 jam this evening, but we r def. just friends. tho i did kinda notice he was doing this "gazing longingly" thing in my direction. and outta the corner of my eye, i cda sworn i saw a wistful thot bubble over his hed.



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