April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

So the 'Stache was THERESE'S Fault?

Liz sent me one of her long txt messages. Good thing I upgraded my fone plan 2 free unlimited txt messaging:
@ sm's wedding rec, i asked ant. y he shved the mustache. ant. said his dghter asked him 2. her mother said it made ant. look prof. ...francie said it made him look old. now when he looks in the mirror he thinx his face is missing smthing. i tell him it is and say 'this' and i lay a big kiss on his face!
Wow, so Francie got the whole concept of shaving off a moustache, rather than thinking it was like sum permanent part of Daddy's face, and she got the idea of him looking older w/it and younger without? And she's only two? I think there must have been a day when she was playing in that little kiddie jailhouse of hers, when Anthony got distracted, and sum1 replaced his toddler with a mini-adult. Oh, and the mustache was Thérèse's idea/fault? Right, OK.

Apes

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11 Comments:

  • At 10:08 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I asked my new friends Alyssa and Jen, your sister’s fellow bridesmaids at Shawna-Marie Verano’s wedding, if they had any insight about what happened between Anthony and Elizabeth after they left the wedding. This is what they told me, as best I can remember it:

    Alyssa: Howard, we really can only speculate. After Elizabeth got a few thorns in her feet from walking in the rose garden, there were some sharp cries of pain. Then they moved to the pathway which goes around the lake and went out of sight.
    Jen: Less thorns on the pathway for Liz's bare feet. Then there were some loud kissing noises, so we know they kissed a lot, and we know that Elizabeth must not be very good at it, like she doesn’t do it very often.
    Alyssa: That’s no surprise either. Elizabeth has always been pretty…Jen, what is the word I want to use here?
    Jen: Frigid? Cold? Frosty? Polar? Icy? Glacial?Hyperborean?
    Alyssa: Yes, one of those. The only time we ever see her act differently is when she drinks. When she drinks, she will ride on guys’ shoulders, and wrestle with guys. It’s like she has a whole different personality.
    Jen: And she did have a few drinks at the wedding. So, those kissing noises were not much of a surprise for her. The funny part is that poor Anthony Caine, may think she is going to act like that, when she is not drunk. He may not have any idea that romantic Liz is actually blotto Liz.
    Alyssa: He’ll figure it out soon enough, when he goes on some date with her, where she doesn’t drink and she’ll be back to that cool, formal way she normally is to guys.
    Jen: That’s really about it, Howard.
    Me: One more thing. Do you think Anthony shaved his mustache because his daughter told him to.
    Jen: What’s his daughter, 2½ years old? Howard, shaving his mustache is one thing, but the guy also changed his glasses. Did his daughter tell him to do that too? Did his daughter tell him to do both those things, just before he is going to a wedding with that Julia girl, whose sole purpose in life seems to be to encourage Anthony to go after Elizabeth? I am sure you can put 2 and 2 together Howard.
    Alyssa: His daughter told him to do it, eh? The only person who would believe that would be some foob. No offence, Howard.
    Me: None taken. I just wanted to know your opinion.

    That’s pretty much how the conversation went.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. I read what you wrote to me about how you were staying away from Steve, which I think is excellent, because I am so looking forward to being your sister legally and not just in spirit, after you and brother Gerald get married some day. That would be pretty hard if you were married to Steve instead. I remember all those secrets you told me about Steve when we had our sleepover. Some of them were pretty juicy, but rest assured they are safe with me. Gerald has no idea, and he never will.

    My Jeremy flower fixed the sound system for the Dutch Tulip festival with that special wire he was using, and tested it in front of everyone today. Mater was quite proud of him, and actually started calling him her favourite son. I think it would have made Gerald a little jealous, if he were sober enough to realize what Mater was saying and would ever stop saying, “Hoo!” It should be a happy moment for me too, but my Jeremy flower is a little mad at me. And he is mad at me for something which is completely not my fault.

    My ex-boyfriend, Bronson van Daam, came over to congratulate me for the working sound system, and I noticed he had shaved his mustache. I asked him why he shaved his mustache and he said it was because his niece has asked him to. Well, April, his niece is 2 years and 5 months old, so it was silly. Children that age can only say about 40 words, and I told him so. So, Bronson said, “Oh, Honoria. You are so smart. You caught me. I really shaved it because you didn’t like it. My girlfriend thought it made me look good and that’s why I had it.” Well, Bronson’s girlfriend was right there, and she looked pretty upset and ran away crying.

    Then Bronson started playing with his lip and said to me, “Honoria. Every time I see my face in the mirror, it seems to be missing something!” He started quivering his lips in front on me, and touching them with his finger, until I couldn’t stand it any more. I had to kiss him. It was just like I remembered it, with his breath that has the air of Dutch tulips. I like kissing my Jeremy flower too, you know. But you probably know from when you kissed him yourself, his breath is more like store-bought toothpaste and mouthwash. It is so pedestrian.

    Not to worry though, dear sister. My kiss with Bronson did not last too long. His mother grabbed my shoulder and said to Bronson, “What are you doing kissing this daughter of the woman who murdered your uncle and my brother? You already have a girlfriend. Just because this trollop brought in a man who fixed the sound system, doesn’t mean you have to lose all your moral sense. And what you have you done with your mustache?” I felt bad for Bronson as his mother led him away, but I felt even worse for myself when my Jeremy flower came up to me and said, “Having fun?” I tried to tell him I had to kiss Bronson, and it wasn’t my fault; but he wouldn’t listen. Boys can be so awfully thick sometimes. I wish you were here. You would understand.

    I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, when Kleeves the groundskeeper for the park came up and asked Jeremy what should be done with all the rabbits. Jeremy told me you have a bunny which likes electricity, so you know what they are like. With Jeremy’s new wires, the bunnies that had been eating the sound system wires didn’t know what to do with themselves, I suppose. Jeremy suggested calling a local rabbit farm to pick them up. That ended up being a very good idea, particularly when Jeremy told them to bring equipment which did not conduct electricity. I wanted to tell my Jeremy flower so, but he was still mad at me for kissing Bronson, and it had been over 2 hours later. Jeremy can certainly hold a grudge. Did you know that about him, April?

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, the electrified rodent proof wires work. they have sound 4 their st00pid tulip festival now. if u evah wanna anothah electrified rabbit, i know a good rabbit farm u can go 2.

    u know honoria’s ex-bf, bronson, who supposed 2 have sum curse frum his fam, so the 1st born boys die wen they r 16. well, i kinda gotta feelin’ there’s a good reason those guyz die @16, & it duzn’t have nethin’ 2 do w/sum stinkin’ curse.

     
  • At 3:21 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I see you are once again making an incorrect assumption with respect to Mr. Anthony Caine and his little half-Quebecoise child. As you are no doubt aware from the time you have spent with my own daughter, the normal levels of achievement associated with children and ages simply do not apply, when you use the time-honoured parenting techniques which were applied to Elizabeth and me.

    I knew, some time ago, Anthony and Elizabeth were destined for each other, by virtue of their childhood sweetheartishness. I think I may have mentioned it to you once or twice. I knew that some day Elizabeth would be bearing children for the illustrious Mr. Caine. And I in particular, knew that it would be disturbing to Elizabeth and Anthony, if their little half-Quebecoise child suddenly started chiding Elizabeth about her Patterson-style parenting vs. Quebecois-style parenting, which I understand involves the use of all kinds of heavy sauces.

    As soon as Anthony had shaken off his Quebecoise encumberance through divorce, I gave him a few helpful tips on Patterson-style parenting that I picked up over the years. Of course, mom had plenty to tell Anthony also. Clearly they have taken effect and proven their worth, because even a half-Quebecoise child has the knowledge and language skills of children much older than she is. No surreptitious replacements with mini-adults are needed when Patterson parenting skills are involved.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 3:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, guess what? according to wikipedia, rabbits are not rodents. so if u want stories abt "electrified rodents" us will hafta stick with rats, mice, and the like. coincidentally, there's a now-extinct rodent called the phoberomys pattersoni. weird, eh?

    honoria, yeah, i kinda noticed that jeremy can hold on2 a grudge. jeremy, i think honoria's sorry.

    funny thing, when i 1st got here monday nite, steve had this, like, peach fuzz on his upper lip, like he was trying 2 grow a 'stache. i was like, "ew, r u trying 2 grow a stache?" then next time i saw him, last nite, the fuzz was gone. when i asked abt it, he sed, his dogs didn't like it. i didn't say nething, but he looked rather shifty when he sed it.

    apes

     
  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    I think there is something not quite right with Anthony's daughter Frenchy, first of all, she is very tall like a four year old or something, and for another thing, she is supposed to be two but she can already talk better than some of the kids I get in my upper elementary classes, like Anthony told me that she said to him, "Daddy, you really ought to shave that moustache, it is most unbecoming and ages you considerably," and then the other day, when we were in the park, Anthony had to go to the men's room and while I was waiting with Frenchy she said, "Thank goodness we have this time alone, Miss Patterson, for I have a question I would urgently like to ask of you. Are you going to be my new mother, or are you just Daddy's fuck buddy?", it is very strange, but then later when I helped Anthony put Frenchy down for her nap (I want Anthony to see that I know that child care is mainly the job of a woman, not like his stupid ex-wife), I saw this little mark at the base of her neck, at first I thought it was a tattoo, but then I looked closer, it was like a little square bump under her skin and on top was written in little letters "Advanced BabyBot - JIfBL - Now with RomanceAssist(TM)", I think it's very strange for a two year old to have a tattoo don't you, I didn't mention it to Anthony though, I don't want to seem to be questioning his parenting skills when I am trying so hard to get him to pop the question, but I did say to Anthony that Frenchy seemed very advanced for her age, and he said he knew and he was surprised because Caines are notoriously "late bloomers" and of course her mother is a Frenchy so the genes on that side of the family are for shortness, alcoholism, and not shaving the armpits, no advancedness there, hmm, things have been very strange lately.

    Liz

     
  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, françoise wasn't replaced by a mini adult, she was replaced by a babybot! i wonder what they did w/the real francie!

    apes

     
  • At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Once again you have drawn the wrong conclusion about Anthony’s little girl thanks to our befuddled sister telling you things which are just not right. For one thing, the Advanced BabyBot was discontinued, because it had a tendency to grow hair like slatternly teenage pop singers. I believe the most recent version is the Babybot 2007+ (Hybrid Model), which is supposed to combine all the good things the old Babybot models had with some new things, sort of like taking the best of Anthony and his ex-Quebecoise wife and putting them together. However, just because a little girl has a tattoo, doesn’t automatically mean that she is a robot; anymore than the tattoo Deanna has on the back of her neck means she is a robot. It’s just a fashion statement popular with many of the young ladies of Milborough. I am pretty sure mom and dad would love it if you had one. You should ask them, when you get back to Milborough.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 8:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, "a little square bump under her skin" with "Advanced BabyBot - JIfBL - Now with RomanceAssist(TM)" is NOT a tattoo. u came close 2 admitting that francie's been replaced by a babybot 2007+ (hybrid model), but u backed away. who r u protecting? and what do they do w/the peeps they replace w/bots? imprison them? kill them? what have u dun 2 dee?

    if u think i'd let myself b replaced by a bot, u r crayzier than i already thot u were. w8, mayB u r a mikebot. that wd xxplain y u'd think it'd b ok 2 replace other ppl w/bots.

    apes

     
  • At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Aprilbot said…

    Brrr! It's so cold in this warehouse. April, how about you stay there in Winnipeg and let me take over your Milborough life? You have such a wonderful life in Milborough. I just know I'd appreciate it more than you do! Your mother is a caring, loving woman who just never stops giving to her family and community! Your father is a big kid at heart, but he's dependable and a great listener! Your sister is an innovative teacher and a modern woman with old-fashioned values! Your brother is a genius writer who sets a great example for his children! Your sister-in-law is a hard-working professional woman who balances career with family! You have friends who don't permit you to wallow in self-pity! Awesome!

    Aprilbot

     
  • At 9:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, i think i just got sick reading that. but what if letting the aprilbot take over 4 me in mboro didn't mean i hadta b imprisoned or killed, but that i cd stay here in winnipeg, go 2 uwinnipeg 4 pre-vet, and then go on 2 vet school? but mom an' dad wd totally still hafta pay 4 my tuition. bots don't need uni, u can just upload whatevs they need 2 know, eh?

    apes

     

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