April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Keeping Liz

Well, Mom told me she ran in2 Anthony and Françoise at the grocery store recently. She sed, "April, if I didn't know that girl was going to be two and a half next month, I'd swear she was @ least seven!" It seemz that after Anthony introduced Mom as Lizzie's mother, Francie was all, "Oh, it's such a pleasure 2 meet U ma'am! My father is quite fond of yr daughter! We went out 4 a caramel fudge Sunday this past Monday, and I got 2 have the cherry on top! Daddy sed, 'Whoa! That was filling! I'm glad we got 3 spoons!' And Miss Elizabeth got up and sed, 'I'll B rite back,' and went 2 the washroom. I was hoping she didn't go in there 2 purge. Bulimia is such a friteful illness! But I didn't want 2 worry Daddy, so instead I sed, 'Daddy? Is she a good friend?' And Daddy told me, 'Yes, she is.' That did not satisfy me, Mrs. Patterson, so I pressed on: 'Like, a really, really, really good friend?' Daddy answered, 'Yes, Elizabeth is a really, really, really good friend.' And I sed, 'Then...' and in2 Daddy's ear, whispered, 'Can we keep her?'"

Mom sed she called Liz rite away and told her, "Well, now U have 2 marry Anthony! That darling little girl clearly luvs U and wants U 2 B her new Mommy!" And Liz told Mom she was bizzy and wd hafta call her back.

NEway, not 2 much 2 tell @ the mo up here in Winni. Tho Steve tells me one of his puppies is v. attached 2 me and wd like 2 B able 2 keep me. I'm not sure how he knows this, but there U go.


Edit: In case U haven't had a chance 2 follow the comments l8ly, it loox like Jeremy Jones solved the mystery of the "Van Daam curse" (where their 1st-born males were dying freakish, accidental, tulip-rel8ed deaths @ age 16), and then died rescuing Honoria Forsythe and Bronson Van Daam from being crushed 2 death by tulips! And no1 is giving Jeremy NE credit 4 this!

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  • At 2:29 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I miss Becky so much, I decided to actually go out and eat instead of cooking for myself. I went to the Kool Kone ice cream parlour. As I entered, Anthony Caine and his little girl were walking out. It was busy in the Kool Kone, so I sat at a table, where the table had not been cleaned yet. The two men cleaning the table were talking to each other and said something to the effect of how they were constantly running out of spoons, no matter how many the store manager bought. They looked at me suspiciously because there were no spoons on my table, and I said I just got there. Then I had to empty my pockets to prove I was not a spoon thief.

    As they were about to leave, one of the men handed me a piece of paper he picked up off the table, and asked me if it was mine. I looked at it. It said:

    Chère maman,

    Je fais des excuses. Je n'ai pas écrit plus tôt. Je l'ai trouvée nue dormant dans la maison, après que le papa soit allé au mariage, juste comme toi ai pensé qu'elle. Nous sommes allés au parc aujourd'hui. Elle a porté une chemise qui lui a montré sa poitrine et son ventre, juste comme toi a pensé qu'elle. Elle a essayé de me suborner avec un parfait, juste comme toi a pensé qu'elle. Elle n'a pas mangé le parfait. Elle a dit, « vous allez d'abord ! » Elle est allée à la salle de toilette pour vomir, juste comme toi a pensé qu'elle. J'ai demandé à papa si elle était vraiment, vraiment, l'ami vraiment bon. Il a dit, « oui. » Maintenant je sais qu'elle était celle qui était nu après le mariage. J'ai demandé à papa si nous pourrions la maintenir dans la goupille. Il a souri. Je ne pense pas qu'il a compris ma plaisanterie.


    I said, “I think this belongs to the little girl who just left.” I went outside, and Anthony Caine was in the parking lot, strapping his daughter into a car seat. I said, “Wait! You left something!” And I waved the paper.

    Anthony saw me and the two guys from the Kool Kone and ran out of the parking lot, leaving his child strapped in the seat. I went to the car and the two men chased after Anthony. I said to her, “I’m sorry. I think you left this paper behind. Aren’t you a little large for this kind of car seat?” The girl said, “Yes, I believe I am; but I can tolerate it for short distances.”

    Then she looked at me carefully and said, “Excuse me, sir. Aren’t you Howard Bunt, the man who attacked Elizabeth Patterson?” I said, “I pulled her shirt.” The little girl said, “And my father rescued Elizabeth Patterson from you, did he not?” I said, “He tweaked my ear.” The little girl said, “Why are you not in prison?” I said, “An appeal.” The little girl said, “I see. Would you be a good fellow and not let daddy know what you saw on this paper?” I said, “It would be my pleasure.” The little girl said, “Thank you ever so much.” I said, “You’re welcome.”

    The little girl looked startled. She said, “I didn’t know anyone in Milborough knew those words.” I said, “Now you know better.” The little girl said, “Indeed I do. Those two men have caught daddy and are getting the spoons from him. I wish daddy knew how to use some other implement to eat than spoons. It would be best if you were gone by the time they got back.” I said, “I quite agree. Thank you for the advice.” The little girl said, “You’re welcome.” She was smiling quite a bit when she said it.

    I thought you might be interested to hear this story. The little girl was quite cute and very well-mannered. I felt better just looking at her, but her language skills were a little disturbing.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. Mission accomplished. Our Lizardbreath managed to appear as though she shared food with Anthony Caine and his little half-Quebecoise daughter, and she did not make them disgusted. As you know, Liz is a sloppy eater, and we were all afraid this particularly aspect of her would cause it to be difficult for her to make headway with Anthony Caine’s little girl.

    Fortunately, Liz did the old, “You go first!” trick; so neither Anthony nor his little half-Quebecoise daughter would see her consume hardly a thing. I know it was a struggle for Liz just to keep those few spoonfuls of ice cream in her mouth, without going on an eating rampage and devouring the sundae all by herself in front of them. I am very proud of our sister, as I know you are. We are so close to getting her married off, I can feel it. Soon this long ordeal will be over.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Walt Wallet said…

    Mr. Anthony Caine,

    As you may or may not not know, I was a bachelor until one night my boy Skeezix, was left on my doorstep. Those first years were pretty yard with just Skeezix and me, but it got better when I married Phyllis. I have heard about how well your daughter is doing with your new girlfriend. I hope you have as much success in marriage and child-rearing as I did.

    Walt Wallet

    P.S. (Phyllis thinks bribing a child with an ice cream sundae is just, plain, bad parenting. If you are ever in Gasoline Alley, you might not want to mention how your daughter accepted your girlfriend after 2 dates. It will make her mad.)

  • At 3:04 PM, Anonymous Thérèse Caine said…

    Ma pauvre petite! Her French, it is as if she wrote her ideas en anglais and used an online translator pour traduire into French! But I can forgive that, my little one has been away from her maman's Québecoise influence! It is heartbreaking! I am hoping she does not have too much of this ice cream on a regular basis. It is not good for one so young!

    Thérèse Caine

  • At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Francie Caine said…

    Oh, Maman! Papa, he will not allow me to take French lessons! He is diabolical! I have no choice but to rely on translation tools. I am so ashamed!


  • At 3:28 PM, Anonymous Thérese Caine said…

    Ma fi-fille, ne t'inquiète pas! I know your Papa is being unreasonable!

    Ta Ma-maman

  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i can't believe how well francie can read and write @ such a yung age.


  • At 2:38 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Dearest future sis. Since you are stuck in Winnipeg, I thought I would let you know about the great social gathering we had in the back yard of our new house. My lovely Deanna felt we should entertain, since we have the big house now. She said to me, “Who should we invite?” I said, “Naturally, my family and not yours.” Deanna said, “I mean who outside of your family?” I said, “We could invite Gordon and Tracey and their kids.” Deanna agreed. Then I said, “And we could invite my Grandpa Jim and his wife Iris, so Gordon and Tracey will have someone close to their age to talk to.” Deanna said, “I thought Gordon was only one year older than you.” I was confused for a moment; but then I remembered she was right.

    Then I got a bright idea. I said to Deanna, “Let’s make it a weird hat party.” Deanna disagreed. However, when I was calling people up to invite them I would say, “It’s a weird hat party.” The only really odd call was to Grandpa Jim and Iris, because when I invited them, Iris broke down and started crying, “It’s been 21 months since we have been invited to Sharon Park Lane. Bless you Mike.” I started to take back my invitation. After all, who wants crying old people at a party? Then I remembered Gordon and Tracey would need them to talk to.

    Then I got a call from mom saying how Elizabeth had managed to collar Anthony Caine, so we had to extend an invitation to him too; since he will be family pretty soon. However, I told him that we would not be serving any French food for his half-Quebecoise kid.

    As the day arrived, I put on my funny blue hat and began the cooking of the burgers, dogs, and buns on the grill. Anthony Caine showed up and he did not have a funny hat on, but he did have possibly the whitest legs I have seen on a man. He said his daughter told him he looked old in a funny hat, so he decided not to wear one. Gordon and Tracey were there in their funny hats. I knew I could count on Gordon, even though he took his hat off every time Anthony Caine took off his shoes and socks. I didn't understand it, but I was too busy to question him about it. When he arrived, I gave him a beer, and said, “The old folks are back there, if you need someone to talk with.” He and Tracey sat down with Grandpa Jim and Iris. I noticed only Grandpa Jim was wearing the funny hat. Of course dad showed up with his choo-choo engineer hat for his weird hat.

    The burgers were so sizzling, they sizzled with an extra ‘z’. I was master of my domain. The king of cooking. As I lifted each burger off the grill with my two-pronged fork, I realized that burgers fall off those pretty easily. Then I was the prince of picking up burgers off the ground before Edgar got them. I really wish mom and dad had left those dogs back at their house. They top my list of animals not to bring to a picnic.

    Mom was an eating machine. While she was passing out shrimp, she ate almost half the entire shrimp plate. The first burger of the day went to Paul Mayes, Gordon’s oldest. Gordon held him in his arms and I said without thinking, "You and your grandfather look really good together." Of course, I corrected my mistake.

    Later I put all the hamburgers and hotdogs into buns and ran though the mustard and Ketchup to make sure each burger was properly marinated. I passed these around to everyone, and I saw mom grab a burger while she still had her hands on the hotdog. Some people complained they didn’t want mustard or ketchup on their burgers, but they weren’t wearing a funny hat, so I ignored them.

    Apparently, my son has never seen his grandmother eating before, and it was quite an eye-full for someone that young. This is kind of odd since we all lived together for 7 months, but I cannot remember a time when we all sat down to eat together in that time. Can you?

    Then Mom pronounced, “Whooohh!! If I eat one more thing, I am going to blow up.” My son took what mom said at face value, and started screaming for me, when my daughter offered mom a marshmallow she cooked for her. I got to my son and said, “What’s the problem, and thanks for asking for me and not your mom this time.“ He explained to me why he was scared. I didn’t have to hear any more. I grabbed my son, threw him to the ground and covered his body with mine to protect him from the blast. Lucky for us, the blast didn’t come. It would have injured quite a few people if it did. I congratulated my son for warning us. We did have to ask mom to sit away from us, until she had digested enough not to be a threat to anyone.

    Michael Patterson


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