Mom an' Dad's Arteries Called
OK, Mom and Dad's arteries did not call, but I kinda wdn't B surprised if they did. Mom called, not 2 talk 2 me, but 2 check in w/Aunt Bev. After that convo was over, Aunt Bev reported 2 me, "It soundz like yr mother is enjoying her practice run of having an empty nest." I kinda rolled my eyez an' sed that didn't shock me @ all.
According 2 Aunt Bev, Mom had made a dinner where she and Dad ate not only a tuna noodle casserole w/melted cheese on top, but also burgers w/bacon on sesame buns, cole slaw, and strawberry fudge sundaes 4 dessert. I sed, "It soundz like she an' Dad R trying 2 B ded by the time I get home." And Auntie Bev nodded and sed, "It soundz that way, but probably it's your mother's shorthand 4 grabbing the gusto. Her big 'punch line,' if U will, was that U can't call it 'junk food' if it's made from scratch. Of course, U so can, but it wasn't worth arguing with yr mom" I sed I'm thinking of becoming a vegan, and she sed, "U go, girl!"
Apes
According 2 Aunt Bev, Mom had made a dinner where she and Dad ate not only a tuna noodle casserole w/melted cheese on top, but also burgers w/bacon on sesame buns, cole slaw, and strawberry fudge sundaes 4 dessert. I sed, "It soundz like she an' Dad R trying 2 B ded by the time I get home." And Auntie Bev nodded and sed, "It soundz that way, but probably it's your mother's shorthand 4 grabbing the gusto. Her big 'punch line,' if U will, was that U can't call it 'junk food' if it's made from scratch. Of course, U so can, but it wasn't worth arguing with yr mom" I sed I'm thinking of becoming a vegan, and she sed, "U go, girl!"
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:29 AM
23 Comments:
At 10:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. Mater and brother Gerald and I are back in Milborough after a glorious time at the Dutch Tulip festival. We had a comfortable ride back, except for the part where we had to deliver Jeremy Jones' suitcase and sound equipment repair kit to his mother. What a sourpuss. She was not the least bit interested in my news of my engagement to Bronson van Daam. By the way the Memorial Service is going to be this Saturday, in case you are in town for any reason. I won't be, because my fiance Bronson's family has invited me to go with his family out boating on the Caribbean.
As for your Blog today, dearest future sis, I have to tell you it took me quite awhile to get through it. Your parents' diet is not only bad for them, but so revolting I passed out just reading it. When I think about having tuna noodle casserole and hambbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Normally I would consider your criticism of the type of food we Pattersons have been born and raised on, in favour of Vegan lifestyle to be a base betrayal of the Patterson way of life. This was before we had to take my son to the doctor to deal with his difficulties in eating. First we caught his sister convincing him different things were food which were not; like dirt, dust bunnies, and the actual bunny (not the dusty kind). Then we found him chewing on a tack, then a few nails, a rusty screw, and a screwdriver. These were pretty normal things for kids.
But after the picnic with mom, now my son refuses to put anything in his mouth for fear he will "blow up like Gramma Elly". Mom didn't actually blow up. However, she did excrete some gasses from her body loudly enough, so that my son thinks that is what happened. Not only that, but it didn't help when some of the picnic guests actually jumped for cover with some of mom's louder gaseous excretions. We had to stop our daughter from sneaking balloons into the dining room and popping them. It took a long time for Deanna to calm our son down after our daughter said, "I've eaten so much, I am going to blow up like Gramma Elly" and then she stepped on a balloon and popped it.
A few videos the doctor loaned us, where Carl the Carrot declares he loves being cut into carrot coins, may get our son back into eating. Only time will tell.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. My apologies. Where was I? Let me see. It looks like I was getting ready to write "hamburgers wrapped in bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
At 10:09 AM,
howard said…
April,
It is unusual for me, but I think I have to agree with Honoria today. It's bad enough that I have had to observe your mother's eating habits live and in person, but I really don't want to read about it every day. I start to get flashbacks from the time I worked in the pastry store, and your mother was the majour customer. Those jaws of the giant, seemingly-toothless, mouth gave me nightmares. Can we have a different topic tomorrow, please?
Becky has finally left Barbados and is back touring through Canada. I don't get to tour with her this time, thanks to my job at Portrait Magazine. I notice that neither she nor Duncan Anderson chose to write and tell you what happened at the Goats Together telethon shot out of the Redd Hott Bajan Mamas restaurant. Perhaps I can cobble together something from the e-mails and telephone messages I had with Becky, if you are interested. Of course, if neither Duncan nor Becky were interested in telling you the story, it is possible no one is interested. The story of goats and pop music could be a little too cheesey.
Howard Bunt
At 10:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. This quite embarrassing; but I think I trying to make a point with you. What was it? Right! I am not ever, ever, ever going to eat with your Mater and Pater. Ever. Not only that, but this is 2 Blog entries in a row you have written talking about how disgusting an eater your Mater is. If you write another, I will have to stop reading for the following reasons: (1) Fear of injurying myself when I pass out reading it and (2) weight gain. I think I put on a kilogram or 2, just reading that awful list of food.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 11:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
honoria & howard, believe me, i'm not happy abt the gross-food/mom gluttony topics from yesterday and today. I haven't been able 2 eat nething since yesterday morning, i just lose my appetite thinking abt mom gorging herself on greasy food.
BUT try 2 remember there r forces controlling what i write abt. if not, believe me, i'd skip over this current topic and devote my entries 2 how much fun i'm having in winni, and how much i'm learning from helping out @ the vet's clinic.
i don't think i can travel back 2 mboro 4 the memorial svc. this wd take mom an' dad paying 4 another round-trip ticket. i've ordered flowers, of course.
i admit it surprises me, honoria, that u don't seem 2 feel the smallest amt of grief over jeremy jones. but b4 u get defensive, i'll give u this. it soundz like u an' that bronson guy r perfect 4 ea other and will b v., v. happy 2gether.
mike, an anthropomorphized carrot mite not b the most helpful thing 4 robin.
At 12:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Dearest future sister. I mentioned your comment about not feeling any grief over Jeremy Jones to Mater and she said it was an excellent idea. Apparently one of the symptoms of grief is weight loss, and I want to keep my weight down so I can look beautiful for my fiancé, Bronson van Daam. I have decided to try grieving for a week, to see if it works. Thanks for the suggestion, April.
Love,
Honoria Delaney-Forsythe
At 12:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. If we had an anthropomorphized carrot around, we certainly wouldn’t show it to my son. We would create a circus or maybe a museum of some kind for it. Those things are rare.
No, what we have is a video of an animated carrot. That is a completely different thing. However it is just one video out of the collection. There is also Brian Broccoli, who teaches children how he loves to be covered in cheese; and Susie Brussels Sprout, whom no one likes, but she develops affection for Larry Lettuce, whom she mistakes for her father. Unlike the picnic with mom, these videos are entirely flatulence-free.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I just got some terrible news, you won't believe it, I got another email from those "Mission Control" people, and this is what they said:
TO: Elizabeth Patterson (2hawt4u@milboro.com)
FROM: Mission Control (goodwitch@jibfl.org)
RE: Engagement Pending
Ms. Patterson--
We have read with some distress your recent postings at "April's Real Blog" about your urge to become quickly married to Mr. Caine. Please be advised that the Good Witch does not wish to see a speedy or "shotgun" wedding between you two. She thinks you need time to explore your relationship after so much time apart. Keep up the good work, and remember, a Patterson girl keeps her panties on.
Mission Control
April, what am I going to do, don't they know I am in my late 20s now and need to hurry up and get married so I don't just end up with spoiled Oops Babies, this is a disaster, Mom swore the Witch would get me married by September and now she's saying I need to "be patient," OMG, what am I going to do?!?
Liz
At 1:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
god, mike, u really r thick as a brick.
ok, let me make this easier 4 u. i think it is a v. v. bad idea 2 show robin videos with ANIMATED vegetables who r happy 2 b eaten. next thing u know, he'll b thinking of veggies as happy little friends and he won't want 2 eat them.
was that simple enuf 4 yr teeny little brain 2 understand?
apes
At 1:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i m guessing that the witch of the north isn't going 2 w8 that long 2 get u and anthony married 2 ea other. mayB early next yr? longer than that wd keep u-know-who away from all the vacations and spanish lessons she wants 2 focus on, so i'd try not 2 worry 2 much.
apes
At 3:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
What do you mean, "early next year," I don't want to be a winter bride, I want to be able to wear a strapless dress like Dee and Shawna-Marie and show off how I can be sexy, you can't do that when you have to wear a ski parka over your dress, also it will be too cold for us to do the theme "Garden Romance" for our wedding if it's anytime before May, to retell the way we got back together, we can't have our wedding in a garden in January, that would be too much snow for me to wear my slingback open toe pumps, also, "Garden Romance" is the only theme I can think of that will make people not wonder why Anthony is wearing a brown suit to our wedding, since brown in an earth tone, and he refuses to own or wear anything that is too obviously "fashion-conscious," because of the credo of the North American Association of Accountants, which requires members to "eschew slavish attention to fashion," so we have to get married sometime from May to October, and goddamn it, I can't wait another year, I'll be 27 or 28 and my eggs will get all dried up, god, I'm so upset, I think I am going to go have a little snack, Mom gave me some leftover tuna casserole, hamburgers with bacon, coleslaw, and ice cream sundae with strawberries and fudge, and also there are some leftovers I got at the picnic, you know, a half a watermelon, a bag of marshmallows, a pound of shrimp cocktail, an 8 pack of hot dogs, and some more hamburgers, the usual stuff, plus I have some Oreos and Kraft dinners just lying around, that'll make a nice little light treat before dinner.
Liz
P.S.--Did you notice after the picnic that your ass seems to be getting bigger, mine is definitely huger, and I can't figure it out, Mom says stuff isn't junkfood if it's homemade, it's healthy.
At 5:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, if u w8ed until may 2008 insteada sept 2007 2 b married, i don't think that wd make a huge diff in the quality of yr eggs. esp. since the witch has the power 2 slow down or stop yr aging if she wants.
and no, since i wasn't @ the picnic, it had no effect on my butt, which is getting smaller w/all the exercise and healthy eating we r doing on the farm.
apes
At 5:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. A few points:
First. Always remember one of the most basic elements of being a Patterson: Direct insults are the last refuge of the Patterson mind. I can only presume whatever the exercise and healthy eating Auntie Bev has got you doing, has caused you to forget this simple truth. If you want to insult me in the future, please remember to do it in a thought balloon, or with a good pun, or behind my back, or best of all, in a widely-distributed publication, where you call me by a fake name.
Second. It is not necessary to call me "god." I appreciate the sentiment; but “brother” is fine, since you are a fellow Patterson.
Third. It is not the Patterson way to second-guess doctors. That would be like second-guessing dad (or in this case, female pediatrician dad). If the doctor recommended the videos for my son, then she must be right. Just because you have been doing surgery on sick, Winnipeg animals, doesn’t mean you are smarter than dad. The only ones who meet that qualification are ethnic old women with home remedies derived from their ethnicity, like our old landlord, Lovey Saltzman.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Oh right, I forgot you are away, where is it you are again?, some boring thing or other, I can't remember, I was noticing how quiet you were at the barbeque and I was going to compliment you for not acting all martian-like, but I guess I don't have to do that now, anyway, I guess the Witch could make my eggs okay or whatever if she wanted to, but look at all the good people of Milborough, the Witch makes them have their Main Children before they are 30, one boy and one girl, and maybe an extra Oops baby, that is just how it works, probably because that means the Witch thinks it SHOULD work that way, well what does it mean if she makes me have something different, probably it means the Witch is mad at me, probably it means whatever she has in store for me isn't a happily ever after, but maybe some new and perverted kind of fate, oh my god, I am totally freaking out now, and it's hard to breathe, I feel chest pain, I knew I shouldn't of eaten all that food, excuse me now, I have to call 91111111111111111111111111111111111
At 5:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Just thought I would let you know, the operator said I just had bad heartburn and needed to take some Rolaids, and also that it isn't healthy to eat so much, but I told her, my mom and dad always talk about how they are trying to lose weight and do a diet, so if this is what my mom is eating, it must be diet food, and the operator asked, "Has your mom ever lost any weight on this diet?" and I had to admit that no she hasn't ever lost any weight in her life, but she is a good person and talks about it a lot, so this must be a good diet, and I said that the operator had a lot of nerve to question the wisdom of the great Elly Patterson, Landmark Builder, and I hung up, and came to write this, but I think I need another bottle of antacids so I have to go to the drugstore now.
Liz
At 5:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Slightly older little sis. I know it can be quite confusing to know where April is. I had that same problem this summer. When I wrote my August monthly letter, it was obvious to me she was in Winnipeg, because she sent me letters from Winnipeg to make me think she was in Winnipeg; but then April told me she wasn’t in Winnipeg at all, and those letters were clever fakes. Now she is telling you she is Winnipeg; while you remember having a conversation with her at my picnic in Milborough. It is quite an impressive feat. I wish I could have done that when I took my summer trip to Winnipeg, where people only know if I have left or arrived by looking around to see if I am there or not.
Just to let you know, the rumour is that you have to “date” Anthony Caine for at least as long as you “dated” your other boyfriends since Anthony Caine. That makes it seem more legitimate in the eyes of your public. That shouldn’t be too bad. I seem to remember you only dated Warren Blackwood for 2 months in university, and that constable guy was technically only your boyfriend from after you “officially” dumped Warren in Christmas, 2005 to May, 2006; when you decided to leave the constable to come home. My guess is 6 to 7 months top to cover that stretch; before Anthony Caine pops the question. I know you want a September wedding; but after all, we can’t have your wedding getting in the way of my book tour, for when my first novel becomes a best-seller and is proclaimed “The Great Canadian Novel”.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 6:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Auntie April, Robin is afraid to eat now. He thinks all the food is alive
Merrie
At 6:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
no eat! food alive! robin scared!
At 6:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, hm, gd thing u listened 2 that dr, eh?
apes
At 6:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Formerly little sis. Like most of your generation, you favour instant gratification. That is simply not the Patterson way. Remember how long it took from the time mom started talking about retirement to actually retiring? Remember how long it took from the time Liz left that place she lived in the Northwest until she got a real date with Anthony Caine? Remember how long it took for that slattern, Becky McGuire to start being nice to you again? Nothing happens quickly for a Patterson.
Deanna and I have experience dealing with our son’s illnesses. Remember he no longer has his earaches, he had last year. We will deal with his food fears in the same way, with solid, dependable medical care, given over several months.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:19 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Goats 2gether was cube, it wld of been rilly cube if Beckers hadnt been sorta upset abt Jer. I was rilly pumped 4 the gig. I think Beckers 4got she doesnt like me if u no what I mean. I think we r sorta gf/bf again, or mayb we were just sorta gf/bf 4 the gig.
Goats 2gether got so ginormous we had 2 move it from Redd Hott Bajan Mammas 2 my grans goat farm. My gran was rilly cube abt it, she just kept saying, "Woodstock did wonders for the value of the Yasgur farm."
L8r.
p.s. Have u hurd Beckers remix of Purple Lips, its gr8.
p.p.s. Beckers had me rite a tune 4 sum ballad abt Jer. It was recorded live @ the gig 4 Beckers next album. Mayb Beckers will post the lyrics, I cant w/o barfing.
At 8:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, dunc, congrats on goats 2gether being such a success.
becks, can u post yr lyrics?
btw, i talked 2 jeremy's mom, and i read her his posts abt solving the mystery abt the van daam curse and foiling that creepy kleeves guy's plans. she thanked me 4 showing that if he's dead, it was a hero's death and not a villain's death.
apes
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