April's Real Blog

Monday, August 20, 2007

Sometimes you've just gotta compost!

So, I heard that Liz an' Candace got 2gether recently. Liz is doing her usual kinda denial, cuz when Candace sed, "So, U and Anthony R a couple again!" Liz was like, "We're going slowly, Candace, it's still 'friendship,' OK?" Hrm, it's almost like that "checklist d8" they had the other nite never happened. NEway, Candace was like, "Really! --R U ready 2 take on the responsibility of a child, Liz? What if the ex-wife shows p and causes problems? What if angelic little Francie pulls the 'U can't boss ME around--U're not my mom!' thing?" And it seemz Liz went, "She will... --And I'll handle it! ...I can also handle her mom! Thérèse threw away a wonderful man and a beautiful daughter! --She just ... threw them away!!!" And Candace sed, "And U're in2 recycling!"

Isn't it interesting what Candace did here? Normally, if sum1 tells U that she and a guy R still just in a "friendship," U wdn't go in2 questions that imply U R in a longterm relationship, eh? But that's xxactly what Candace did, cuz she saw rite thru the "friendship" lie. And notice Liz never sez, "Y R U asking me all these questions like I'm abt 2 B Anthony's wife and Francie's stepmom? It's just 'friendship'?" Cuz they both knew that was not true.

So Liz is gonna "handle it," foax--she going to "take on" Françoise! Oh, and if U're thinking that Thérèse cdn't throw away Anthony cuz she never really had him, what w/his being obsessed w/Liz the whole time he was with her, U wdn't B alone!


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  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes,

    I guess we r not coming back. My 'rents havent xactly said we rnt coming back, but they said I dont hafta go 2 skool in Barbados cos its 2 different, I shld of written my O Levels already & I wld hafta repeat a year. So Im going 2 do this. My 'rents say if I pass all my courses I can b in the house band @ Redd Hott Bajan Mammas. So Im going 2 b a working d00d w/ a ril drivers licence, thats so cube.

    U shld stay in Manitoba & do the same thing, then we wld still sorta b classmates.

    L8r. Gran just called me 2 come & muck out the goat pens.

  • At 2:38 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…


    I wish you would all stop talking about me, it's so rude, you know I don't hardly have time to write here anymore, what with my "friendship" with Anthony and taking on Francoise and then going home and spending lots of quality time with my cat, who is jealous of Anthony and Frenchy, and then that other thing I do most days, you know, what's it called, where I get up in front of some kids and run my yap, oh yeah, my job, well, that's demanding too, anyway, all I can say is, I thought Candace's checklist idea was great because it gave me a chance to hint to Anthony that it was time to propose, you would think he would get it by all the kissing of him I have been doing, but god, he is so slow!!!, I'm starting to see why Therese threw him away, still, this is my marriage opportunity and I am not going to let it get away!


    P.S.--If you see some brochures come to the house for Baby Boarding Schools, could you hang on to them to me, I sent them there so Anthony wouldn't accidentally see them before the you-know-what with a W happens.

  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, u'd better warn mom abt the brochures, cuz i'm in winnipeg and i'm not gonna c them.

    dunc, that distance-ed idea u have isn't bad. i have this weird feeling that if i never came home, my mom and dad wd never notice. so mayB i'll stay in winni and do distance-ed till i'm graduated.

    i sympathize abt the goat pens. i hadta clean out the horse stalls 2day. ick.


  • At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Constable Paul Wright said…


    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Miigwetch (Thank you) for your telephone call telling me your sister and Anthony Caine are asho-wiidigendi (engaged to each other). I think you said, “They are almost willing to make a lifelong commitment”, which I think is the same thing. My girlfriend, Susan Dokis, whom I call Chipper, has been zegendamhe (nervous) about Elizabeth. She knows Elizabeth has a history of going back to old boyfriends. Chipper was afraid she would someday try to come back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to take me away from her.

    I have told Chipper many times I love her and it would never happen. We have been together since last December. Everyone in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) tells us, just by seeing us work together; they know we are a good match for each other. It helps Chipper when she hears that, but she is still zegendamhe (nervous).

    Chipper thinks your sister has some kind of manidookaazohe (power) over men. She has reminded me I did not webinidi (separate) from your sister after she agadendaagozihe (shamed) me with Warren Blackwood at Christmas in 2005, or after she left Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to chase after Mr. Caine last year. Chipper says, “She threw away a wonderful man, a fantastic job and a beautiful community! She just threw them away like they were ziigwebinigan (garbage). She may come back to try and salvage what she left behind.” I said, “Do you mean recycle?” And Chipper said, “No. Salvage is the right word.”

    Your telephone message did a lot to help Chipper. Miigwetch (thank you) for the call. I hope your sister and Mr. Caine are happy together. The happier they are, the safer Chipper feels.

    I hope things are going well for you and you learn much to become a mashkikiiwininiikwe (female doctor) of animals. Chipper wants you to know, you are always welcome to visit us in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), as long as you don’t bring your sister.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

  • At 7:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, thanx 4 writing! i'm glad i cd help.

    i mite visit u sumtime during summer and holiday breaks during university, cuz mom and dad r sounding like they won't let me stay w/them @ all once i leave 4 uni. there's even talk of taking in tenants so they won't have room 4 me.


  • At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. I was quite relieved to hear our Lizardbreath sister is doing her old “he’s just a friend” routine. As you know from her prior experiences with men, the more Liz denies she is in a relationship, the more interested she is in the man. The only thing which would be better is if Liz had said she detested Anthony and never wanted to see him again. Then we would know she is really close to being ready to accept a proposal. If she had declared to her friend Candace she was desperately in love with Anthony, then we would all know she has her bags packed and is getting ready to cross the country to get away from him. Just remember when it comes to Liz; the more she lies, the more she loves.

    I was quite pleased to hear Elizabeth is ready to “handle” the Quebecoise ex-wife and her little half-Quebecoise daughter. I have been a little nervous about the ex-wife reappearing from wherever it is that Quebecoise women go. British Columbia, maybe? In the 7 months we were all living together in the house on Sharon Park Drive, I am sure you remember exactly how many times Liz was willing to “handle” the recycling. She doesn’t usually like to get her hands dirty; except with cat hair and Kraft dinner and those papers she stores all over her room.

    I expect that our sister may make a little phone call to have the Quebecoise ex-wife “handled” instead of having to personally take a frying pan to her head. Her friend Candace may be able to read Liz pretty well, but she certainly missed that turn of phrase, just like she didn’t ask Elizabeth how she felt about “handling it,” i.e. the little half-Quebecoise daughter. Candace is not as smart as you make her out to be sometimes. A person’s choice of pronouns will always give their true intentions away.

    Things are going very well, indeed!

    Michael Patterson

  • At 8:25 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. Your latest Blog entry was so weird. It sounds like your sister thinks little Françoise is going to be some kind of problem for her. I have done babysitting for Mr. Caine many times and believe me, the hardest part of the job is Mr. Caine and not little Françoise. Before he was dating your sister, he would go out to his astronomy club meetings and wouldn’t come back until the next day sometimes, smelling of alcohol and cheap perfume. I think the people who are in astronomy clubs could stand to buy a much better quality perfume and not drink so much beer. Personally, I would be very distracted if I had to smell that stuff while I was drunk and trying to look at stars.

    Little Françoise, on the other hand, has never said to me, “You can’t boss me around—you’re not my mom!” If she did, I would probably say, “Ick! I’m just your babysitter, not your step-mother. Besides your dad does not have a trust fund or any money that I can tell. Otherwise he would buy you toys instead of making them all himself out of scrap wood he finds around your neighbourhood.” I have never had to say that to little Françoise. She is pretty angelic, except she doesn’t have wings or play a harp. She does hover; but when she does that she reminds me more of a little girl-shaped automobile than an angel.

    Little Françoise is just 2 years old, and she is already potty-trained, and she can feed herself without making a mess, and she can dress herself. She is a lot easier than most of my other baby-sitting jobs. I think I am going to miss her, when I go back to Cashwell Day School and I won’t live close enough to baby-sit any more. I hope you do come back to Milborough at least for a little while before school starts again. I would like to get to say good-bye to you before I leave in 2 weeks. The last time my parents sent me to school, I was 6 years old, and they forgot all about me for 8 years. I have a bad feeling the same thing is going to happen again and once I am gone, I will be gone for good.

    I hope it’s not happening to you too, now you are in Winnipeg. I have noticed no one in your family has said one word about where you are, since you left. I find it very suspicious, because the same thing happened to me. One day back in 2000, brother Gerald was talking to me about how he used my age and Mater's age in his locker combination, and then the next thing you know, my family never mentioned me again. Don't be scared, April. I am sure it is just a coincidence.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

  • At 9:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    honoria, i think the same kinda thing mite happ 2 me. i'll try not 2 b scared. mayB b-ing 4gotten by my 'rents is not the worst thing.


  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I did have an odd encounter with your sister today, whom I usually try to avoid like the plague. Some people in the neighbourhood had left some old lawn chairs out for the trash pickup and your sister was picking through them. I asked her what she was doing and she said, “Recycling. I am looking for furniture for my apartment. Someone threw away these wonderful and beautiful chairs. Someone just…threw them away. And I am into recycling.” I told her perhaps she didn’t understand what the word “recycling” meant, and she said, “Who’s the school teacher here, and who’s the man who should be in prison for attacking me?” That ended our conversation fairly quickly.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:32 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…


    Dearest future sister. It is not the worst thing to have your parents forget you, but it is certainly not the best. You need a Mater and Pater to take an interest in what you are doing and advise you. If Mater and Pater approve, I will get to marry Bronson van Daam when I turn 16 years old; but if they forget I exist, then I will have to wait until I am 18. It’s just so unfair.

    Just look at what is happening with your sister and Mr. Caine. I certainly don’t want that to happen to me. When you are young and thin and beautiful; you have so many more choices than you do than when you are your sister’s age, and have to settle for someone like Mr. Caine, a single parent who only has a job because Mr. Mayes pities him and who has been stalking your sister for years. When you have to marry a stalker / loser, and especially one with no trust fund, that is a sign your parents are not paying attention to you. Thank goodness you are dating my brother Gerald, who adores you, and has never stalked you.

    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe


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