April's Real Blog

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Who Liz was/is

Tho Liz made a fuss abt me talking abt her here on the blog, she made a pt of calling me last nite 2 tell me more.

She sez that while she had Candace there @ her apt, Candace held Shiimsa while Liz got snax from the fridge. Liz was all, "Candace, Y R U being so negative?" Was she? Candace sed, "I'm just playing the devil's advocate, OK? I want U 2 C both sides of this relationship! U had the chance 2 B w/Anthony B4, but U didn't take it. What's different abt him now?" Liz sniffed sum onion dip 2 C if it had gone bad, and while doing so, she sed, "I'm the one who's different." Then, Liz put the dip on the table and started 2 dip chips in2 it. Awesum hostessing skills, Liz--just DIG rite in while yr guest stands there an' watches U. NEway, as she was dipping her chip, Liz continued w/"I grew up! And in order 2 d that, I had 2 get away from everything and every1 I knew. I wanted 2 find and who I was." Candace was all, "And?" And Liz, taking a messy bite outta her chip, was like, "I found out who I AM!" Really? And who's that?

Sorry, Liz, but U haven't been acting more grown-up since U've moved back from Mtig, what with the rolling up in2 the fetal position with yr toy bunny, or chasing me around 2 beat on me when I say sumthing U don't like. Making raspberry sounds @ the fone when Warren disappoints U (and did U even let him know U're not available--guess not, B-cuz Anthony is yr "friend"). And I hope that l8r in the week, we learn that Candace talked abt Anthony's icky behaviour. His "W8 4 me" rite after the going-after; his being in luv w/Liz (in a way that was obvs 2 every1) the whole time he and Thérèse were 2gether--from d8ing, thru engagement, marriage, and divorce.

Apes

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11 Comments:

  • At 12:34 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    I keep forgetting you are in Winnipeg, you are never here when I need you, anyway, Mom is going to hang on to those brochures for me, also, Candace is being really annoying, for one thing, she keeps trying to make me decide Anthony is just a boring, blah, no-good nerd face like I used to think, and also, she was kind of molesting my cat, using her like a fur scarf and a lot of other things, it's very unnatural, usually when I play with Shiimsa like that, she opens some veins in my neck, I don't know what it is, probably some kind of crazy voodoo witchcraft that people who live in sin learn or something, anyhow, I was really good, I wanted to point out how Rudy is an even bigger loser than Anthony, but I restrained myself by gobbling chips, so actually I was doing the right thing, anyhow, I just think Candace doesn't want me to marry Anthony because of her not-so-secret love for me, and she's jealous, because there is no good reason to think that hooking back up with your divorced ex-boyfriend who has a small child and was obsessed with you all throughout his marriage after many years of not being remotely attracted to him and getting married ASAP is not a good plan, because it IS a good plan, it's an excellent one, it's the best plan ever, and I'm not going to hear any more about it from you naysayers.

    Liz

     
  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, liz, who r u trying 2 convince? cuz it soundz like u r trying 2 convince YRSELF.

    apes

     
  • At 3:45 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Once again, I am afraid that you fail to see the big picture when it comes to your older sister. You focus on the little foibles and quirks of her personality (spitting at phones, fetal position, trying to beat on you, etc.) as a measure of her maturity. Since I am older, I can see a tremendous difference in the way the Lizardbreath was before she went to work up in the Northwest somewhere, and the way she is now. She has finally discovered who she is. And that is a Patterson.

    No longer does our family have to endure her protestations that she has a boyfriend, and it is not Anthony Caine. No longer do we have to worry that she wants to live anywhere but in Milborough, and wants to be something other than a mommy. She has come home and embraced who she is. She is so close to becoming a Patterson woman through-and-through (except she will be called Mrs. Caine, of course).

    My wife, the lovely Deanna, often says it was her time in Honduras, which caused her to realize she should be married to me and bear my children. She had to have her “growing up” trip too. Liz is just the same. Even though Liz’s time in that place in the north was unpleasant for all of us, I see now it must have been necessary for Liz to accept who she is. It just took her a lot longer than it took Deanna.

    Just think, April. After Elizabeth and Anthony marry, then the only one of my siblings left to “grow up” will be you. With your rebellious nature, you might take even longer than the Lizardbreath. However, I feel satisfaction in knowing that someday, you will be back in Milborough, married to your childhood sweetheart, making babies and bad puns with the rest of us Pattersons.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

    P.S. (Do you know of any reason why, when I am eating chips in front of my children, and a little bit slips accidentally out of my mouth, that my children should start shouting, “Don’t eat me, Auntie Liz!”? Liz claims she has no idea why it happens, so I thought you might know, since you were around the kids more often than Liz.)

     
  • At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Honoria Delaney-Forsythe said…

    April,

    Dearest future sister. Ever since I have gotten back to Milborough and started baby-sitting little Françoise Caine again, I can tell you Mr. Caine has changed. Your sister may say that he hasn’t changed and she has; but I think it has been the other way around.

    When Mr. Caine comes back from a late date with your sister, he no longer smells of cheap perfume and alcohol, like he did before when he would go out on his all-night Astronomy Club outings. He comes back smelling usually like coffee, potato chips, and onion dip gone bad; and sometimes I see bits of food on odd parts of his clothing, which is a definite change.

    I said to Mr. Caine, “It looks like you’re putting on a little weight, Mr. Caine.” And he said, “Honoria. One of things I like best about Elizabeth Patterson is she is not a shy eater, or a dainty eater. She goes after food like a ravenous animal, and I can’t help joining in.” He seems happy to me, but I think I will avoid seeing your sister eat something, if I possibly can.

    It seems to me, if a lady eats like a starving animal, it would take a special man to want to see that day-in and day-out for the rest of his life. Maybe you shouldn’t be so tough on your sister and what she is trying to say. Anthony Caine may be the only man alive who can stand to see her eat.

    Love,
    Honoria Delaney-Forsythe

     
  • At 4:33 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I remember my time when I visited that hellhole called Mtigwaki, and if I had to live there for 2 years, I doubt I would feel like I had grown up. More likely, I would feel like I needed to be committed to an insane asylum. I have never doubted that your sister’s move away from Mtigwaki was the right thing to do. It’s her move back to Milborough, I found the most troubling.

    I don’t know if I would say your sister grew up or not. However, when I have seen your sister, it is pretty obvious she has grown out. When she moved back to Milborough, I used to worry about being affected by your sister’s Patterson allure, that particular aspect of her which caused men to throw themselves after her; but since she started dating Anthony Caine, I think her Patterson allure is all gone. In fact, when I saw her the other day, playing with lawn furniture for her apartment, I suddenly realized your sister was quite unattractive. She had such an oddly-shaped, overly-thick neck, and the back of her head was considerably smaller than the front of her head, and her jaw seemed to be enormous. And her face was actually dirty with food stains and not in the cute “Got Milk” kind of way. It’s hard to believe it was the same girl, whose shirt I pulled almost 2 years ago. She has definitely changed April. She seems more like your mother than ever.

    Becky is still on tour and seems to be doing very well. I thought the tour title was a little questionable (The “Bitch no Longer” tour), but the people who come to her concerts have embraced it. I miss her, but I have been keeping myself busy with work. I did get a strange call from Beatrice Alfarero, who works at your mom’s old store Lilliputs’. She wants to get together for supper and talk about something. She’s an old girlfriend who broke up with me years ago, back when I was confused about my orientation. Spending time in public with old girlfriends is dangerous when you are engaged; so I will try to make the supper as brief and as public as possible.

    I hope things are going well with you in Winnipeg.

    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 6:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, sumthing abt how u look like liz, or vice versa, while eating? and the way liz eats as tho she's gonna eat everything/every1 in site? and she mita threatened 2 eat yr kids 2 get them 2 leave her w/her snax, @ least that soundz like sumthing she'd do.

    honoria, u mite b rite. that anthony changed but liz didn't. liz confuses stuff that way sumtymez.

    beatrice wants 2 meet w/u, howard? i wonder what that's all abt.

    apes

     
  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Hello, April and friends. I had an interesting talk with my mom, Maggie McConnell Mahaha, who works as a pilot. Mom says she ran into Warren Blackwood at one of those pilots' lounges where all the pilots gather and catch up on their pilot gossip.

    Warren was telling everyone that he was head-over-heels in love with his "significant other," Liz Patterson. That he was relieved that he'd maneuvered her break-up with Paul Wright and gotten her to agree to see him again after having escorted her to Michael's party. He said that he'd regretted having to cancel a date with her when his Yellowknife job came up, but that she'd been very understanding, and that he just knew once his work slowed down a bit, he'd swoop in and they'd pick right up where they'd left off.

    He had an engagement-ring catalog with him, and he was getting other pilots to comment on the various cuts and styles. Mom recommended a nice heart-shaped ring set on a simple platinum band.

    Poor Warren. I might even feel bad for him if he hadn't walked out on our engagement to be with Liz.

    Marjee

     
  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, and mike, i dunno if i'll ever come back 2 mboro. i kinda think mom and dad mite 4get all abt me.

    apes

     
  • At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. It is sometimes difficult in our family, the way we often look like each other at unexpected times. When we were all in the same house together, I had to be carefully when approaching mom or dad to check what they were wearing before I addressed them, since mom with her hair in a bun and dad often were indistinguishable. I suppose it is possible my children could be reacting to me at a moment when I am looking particularly Liz-like. They are not old enough yet to recognize the distinct differences between us, no matter how appearance may change. I will have to remember, whenever they react as if I am Auntie Liz and fear I will consume them, to remind them to check my breath first before they run screaming away. Our sister’s potent breath is the primary means by which I can tell it is she and not you or mom or even me, when I see…I mean smell her.

    As for your fear mom and dad will forget all about you, I don’t think that will happen. You know they love their little Aypo.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 8:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, the prob is that i think mom and dad (esp. mom) wish they cda frozen me in my "little aypo" stage. 4 sum reason, they r way less interested in "april @ 16." and since i'm "april @ 16," i'm afraid it's quite poss i'll b 4gotten.

    mayB sumday u and merrie and robin will b lookin' @ sum old albums, and sumthing merrie just did will remind u of sumthing i did when i was "aypo." and mayB u and the littles will look @ sum pix from that time. but u won't need me 4 that.

    apes

     
  • At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Melody Unterjohnston said…

    My cousin Lauren and I thought we'd stop in and say hi to Laura, April, Bev, and Danny.

    I've been reading this blog, and I was just telling April how much her sister Liz reminds me of MY sister Lyric. Lyric used to work in a First Nations community near Thunder Bay, Opiniig-Ojaanzhimaan. She taught in a small grade school while dating a totally hawt police officer, Peter Upstanding. Then one day, I innocently sent her an e-mail where I happened to mention that her high-school boyfriend, Antonio Walkingstick, had just separated from his wife, Marie-Huguette.

    Suddenly, and without warning, Lyric decided that she wanted to move back home, with me and my parents. She came home with her cat, Zhiingenjige, even though my mother was already freaking out on a daily basis over our dogs, Roger and Confederacy, and our bunny Caramel. She waited until the last minute to break this news to Peter and to the school where she worked.

    One day, this helicopter pilot whom Lyric had sort of not-dated in university, Barton, came by out of the blue and offered to take Lyric up to Opiniig-Ojaanzhimaan a day earlier than expected. Her old employer, Barry, met her at the helipad and broke the news that Peter was "with" the teacher who had replaced Lyric, Sharon Smokis. Sharon and Peter had cutesy nicknames for one another: Cheery and Brew.

    After breaking off with Peter, Lyric got her helicopter ride back home, and Barton revealed that he'd set up her discovery. It seems he hangs out in those same gossipy pilot lounges that Marjee was talking about in her post above.

    Lyric felt totally betrayed, but she kinda got over it and consented to go on a date with Warren. Our brother Gabe was having a party to celebrate the publishing of his book, Gravel Time, that his friend Toke was hosting. Lyric thought this would be a good occasion to go on a date with Barton.

    After their date, Barton made Lyric promise to go on another date with him soon. But then, on the day that Lyric decided she wanted to go out with him, Barton was unexpectedly called away on pilot business. She acted all understanding, but then she hung up and made mouth farts at the phone.

    A couple of months later, she received an invitation to the wedding of her friend Sharla-Claude, and she decide to invited Antonio. But Antonio had already invited an underling from his job, Jeanette. Lyric totally overreacted by berating herself the entire time she was driving home, and she almost got into an accident.

    But it turned out that Jeanette wasn't at all interested in Antonio, and she sort of pushed him at Lyric during Sharla-Claude's wedding reception. Lyric and Antonio went off into he bushes and made out during the reception, and rumour has it they got themselves all scratched up from rose thorns.

    Even though they talked about being ready to make a commitment, they told everyone that they're taking things slow. They've gone on a couple of "family" dates, bringing Antonio's daughter Iphigénie, to the playground, and one of the times, Lyric sort of bribed her with a sundae.

    On another date, Lyric and Antonio went to a restaurant and brought a list of qualities they'd culled from match.com and eHarmony.com, trying to see if they were compatible. They decided they were, even though Lyric answered one of the questions with a kiss.

    Recently, Lyric had a heart-to-heart chat with her friend Eunice. From what I've read on this blog yesterday and today, I gather it was very similar to the Liz/Candace conversation.

    Melody Unterjohnston

     

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